By |

The FDA is considering recalling furloughed food safety inspectors, citing the popularity of Chipotle’s new Lifestyle Bowls.

Ford sold out of a new $110,000 variant of its Lincoln Continental in just two days – the car is the first in years with center-opening “suicide doors”.  Although the Mexican drug gangs purchasing most of the vehicles prefer calling them “drive-by doors”.

Uber is experimenting with self-driving bikes and scooters, for people who can’t afford riding in self-driving cars, but who still want to be involved in fatal accidents.

Samsung may release three different versions of its upcoming Galaxy S10 phone, so customers can choose whether they want to keep their pocket warm, start a fire on an end table, or burn their whole house down.

GoFundMe launched a fundraising campaign to help furloughed Federal government workers. For just $750, you can buy a Pentagon purchasing employee a bag lunch.

The National Football League announced the referees for the Super Bowl. They selected every on-field & replay official graded “terrible” during the regular season, so fans can set their expectations accordingly.

Chinese authorities declared the work of He Jiankui – creator of the first gene-edited babies – illegal. He engineered the babies to be resistant to HIV. Authorities said they may consider leniency if his ‘genetically engineered boys with huge penises’ idea pans out.

Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium – site of the Super Bowl – will keep ‘Fan First’ pricing in effect for concessions. Hot dogs will still be $2 and a beer will cost $5. The only exception: earplugs sold prior to the Maroon 5 halftime show, which will sell for $99.

Two women found a five-foot crater in the sand while walking on a New Jersey beach. They believe that it may have been caused by a meteorite strike, because of a rock they found in the center, and because Chris Christie hadn’t been to that beach in months.

President Trump marked Monday’s national holiday with a visit to the grave of Martin Luther King, Jr. Trump laid a wreath on the grave and wished King a belated Merry Christmas.

By |

Chris Christie, in a new book, accuses Jared Kushner of a political “hit job” to oust him from possible Cabinet positions, as retaliation for Christie’s prosecution of Kushner’s father years earlier. The Guardian previewed the book, noting their advance review copy had gravy stains on it.

  • The book is titled ‘Let Me Finish’ after Christie’s favorite saying when his kids try talking to him during dinner.

YouTube is banning videos of dangerous pranks and challenges, directly resulting in the cancellation of fifty cable tv shows.

A Republican lawmaker in Missouri called pregnancies resulting from rape “God’s Silver Lining”, but only after her friend talked her out of calling it “God’s Plan B.”

Motorola is reportedly bringing back the Razr as a $1500 foldable smartphone, which is still a lot of money to spend on a phone in 2006.

Steve Carell will star in a new Netflix comedy, ‘Space Force’ — proving we live in a world where Trump’s dumb ideas are realized as multi-million dollar insults before they could ever find life as multi-billion dollar government failures.

University of Alabama QB Jalen Hurts announced he’s transferring to the University of Oklahoma. Hurts will play immediately, since he obtained his degree from Alabama in December, having completed the required curriculum of watching movies about college.

The Boston Globe reports the World Series Champion Boston Red Sox will visit the White House in mid-February. It’s unclear whether they’ll go inside to the dining room or just hit the drive-thru.

Amazon upgraded its Alexa voice assistant, so that if you ask Alexa to read out the latest news from today, her voice will sound like that of a professional newscaster- unless you ask her for sports news from Boston, Philly or New York, then her voice will sound like an annoying idiot.

The One Billion Oyster project is hoping to clean New York Harbor by repopulating it with oysterseach of which can purify up to 50 gallons of water a day before they’re harvested and eaten by New Yorkers who will vomit them back in to New York Harbor.

A mother giraffe gave birth to a calf at Disney World – horrifying families in attendance at the Princess Breakfast.

 

By |

President Trump named Mick Mulvaney acting chief of staff. Trump had met with former NJ Governor Chris Christie to take the job. Christie was rumored to be on the short list, and also on the obese list.

A report from Oxford University found that a Russian disinformation campaign used every major social media platform to share content geared to elect Donald Trump. It was so far-reaching, Russians issued 10 million tweets, 61 thousand Facebook posts, and even made Trump’s LinkedIn profile look pretty good.

Angela Ponce of Spain became the first transgender woman to compete in the Miss Universe pageant. Ponce did not make the Top 20, despite winning the bench press competition.

Spice Girl Mel ‘Scary Spice’ B posted photos to Instagram after suffering a severed hand and broken ribs in an accident. She’s expected to make a full recovery. Asked if injures would disrupt singing and dancing for the upcoming Spice Girls reunion tour, Scary said no, since she could never sing or dance to begin with.

Offset crashed wife Cardi B’s performance at the Rolling Loud Festival in Los Angeles over the weekend, showing a floral arrangement reading TAKE ME BACK CARDI. Cardi refused, despite Offset’s promise to include her in all his future threesomes.

Former Today Show host Megyn Kelly debuted a new short haircut. Kelly said the short hair makes it easier to put on the afro wig she bought for next year’s Halloween costume.

Merriam-Webster named ‘justice’ its Word of the Year for 2018, citing a large increase in look-ups for the word – though many are believed to be confused parents trying to find the teen girls’ clothing store of the same name.

  • ‘Justice’ succeeds 2017’s Word of the Year, ‘feminism’ — President Trump is already pretty sick of them both.

Following the Chicago Bears’ win over the Green Bay Packers, Bears left tackle Charles Leno Jr proposed marriage on the sidelines to his girlfriend, Jennifer Roth. Roth said yes, and Leno entered the concussion protocol.

RadarOnline reports that 69-year-old Caitlyn Jenner and her partner, 22-year-old Sophia Hutchins, are planning to marry and welcome a baby in 2019. They’re reportedly exploring adoption or having a surrogate carry Sophia’s egg and Caitlyn’s sperm.

An autonomous food delivery robot operated by Berkeley, California startup Kiwi, burst into flames on a sidewalk during a delivery on Friday. The robot left a note saying it couldn’t live with itself any longer for delivering all of those Arby’s sandwiches.

 

 

By |

The White House revoked the credentials of CNN’s Jim Acosta, following his tense exchange at a press conference with President Trump, when Acosta touched the arm of an intern attempting to take his mic. “Touching the White House interns is forbidden unless you’re the President” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was hospitalized, as her doctors said she suffered three fractured ribs in a fall. Justices Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Thomas & Roberts wrote their dissent that the ribs weren’t fractured after all.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was effectively fired, submitting a resignation letter at the request of President Trump on Wednesday. Trump supposedly authored the letter on Monday, but it took Sessions & staff two days to correct the spelling and grammar errors.

Among the candidates to replace Sessions as Attorney General — former NJ Governor and Trump Transition Team member Chris Christie. Adding Christie to Trump’s staff is believed to be an inside route to getting the White House one of those black ‘Free McDonald’s For Life’ cards.

Following a worldwide employee protest last week, Google is announcing new policies around sexual harassment in the workplace — doing so via one of the most uncomfortable Google Doodles you’ll ever watch.

Former reality tv star Anna Duggar sparked rumors of her being pregnant with her sixth child after video showed her with what could be a baby bump. Other Duggar women sparked bigger rumors after videos showed them with flat stomachs, shocking the world by not being pregnant for a couple of weeks.

Brody Roybal, two-time USA Paralympic sled hockey gold medalist, climbed Chicago’s Willis Tower’s 2,149 stairs using his upper body, arms & hands on Sunday. No word on when the elevators will be fixed.

Taco Bell announced “Party By Taco Bell”, a program that will allow people to book small gatherings in Taco Bell locations between November 24 and December 22. Party By Taco Bell can be used by families, groups of friends, or companies looking for a cheap way to say how much they hate their employees.

Reddit’s ‘Apple’ community is flooded with complaints over the company nickel-and-diming their users with charges for cloud storage, dongles and other fees making it more expensive to send penis pics to disgusted women.

Walmart announced its Black Friday electronics deals. They’ll start as early as 10pm on Thanksgiving night on Walmart.com, or via stampede in-person at Midnight.

 

 

By |

Britain is considering a ban on plastic straws, cotton swabs and other single-use items to protect the environment. No word if dental floss is under consideration, since most Brits seem to have never heard of it.

Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie angered taxpayers by committing to pay $85,000 in public funds for his official portrait – more than the cost of portraits for the three previous governors combined. The artist defended his fee, saying it’s difficult to find canvas and paint that stretches to keep getting bigger.

Photos inside the cabin of Southwest Airlines flight 1380, which made an emergency landing after an engine exploded, showed many passengers did not properly place oxygen masks over their nose and mouth. This worried federal safety regulators who want to ensure passengers are breathing freely when they think they’re going to die.

Brandy Hall of Ocean Springs, Mississippi took out a Facebook ad to find a gander to mate with her 2-year-old goose, Lucy – who had rejected several prospective mates for looking nothing like their Tinder photos.

April 20th is National School Walkout day to protest gun violence, and also the day several forgetful boys screwed up by staging elaborate high school Promposals during 3rd period when nobody’s in the building.

Alabama executed 83-year-old Walter Moody, the oldest prisoner executed in history. He was declared dead at 8:42pm. Lawyers argued his punishment was cruel and unusual, since he wouldn’t get to finish the episode of Matlock that he’d started watching at 8.

A tweet from toy maker Mattel’s official ‘Barbie’ twitter account revealed that Barbie has a last name – Roberts. Ken also has a last name, but he isn’t tweeting about it because he doesn’t want his wife to piece together what’s going on with Barbie.

The U.S. Senate unanimously passed a rule change allowing newborn babies on the Senate floor, in response to a request from Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth, who just gave birth to a baby girl, Maile. Duckworth brought Maile to a voting session where she met Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and spit up.

YouTube is under fire for placing ads from well-known brands like Amazon, Hershey, Adidas and Hilton on videos promoting racism, pedophilia and North Korean propaganda. Under Armour is pausing all YouTube ads, adding that it is not the ‘Official Footwear and Fitness Apparel Brand of Nazis and Perverts’.

56-year-old grandmother Lois Ann Reiss, accused of two murders, was caught in Texas after a weeks-long manhunt. New information revealed that while on the run, she visited a Louisiana casino and won a jackpot prize. She faces two charges of murder, and one charge of failing to send her grandson a birthday card with money in it.

Netflix released its quarterly earnings, topping analyst estimates. They now have passed 125 million monthly subscribers, and 100 billion annoying program suggestions.

By |

A new Bankrate study states 9 million people are hiding credit cards, savings or bank accounts from their live-in partner. Surprisingly, 31% of respondents say they consider “financial cheating” worse than “physical cheating.” Not surprisingly, the men who admitted using a joint checking account to have sex with a hooker did not get congratulated for it.

Item-tracking company Tile laid off 30 employees; and the Tiles attached to their laptops and other office supplies were traced to employee toilets.

A Norwegian Airlines jet broke the record for fastest transatlantic flight in a subsonic aircraft, going from New York to London in just 5 hours, 13 minutes – a 30-minute improvement off the old record. The jet’s speed was boosted by an especially powerful jet stream, and the pilot’s decision to have Indian food for lunch.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Las Vegas McCarran Airport is adding a pop-up marriage license bureau, where lovers looking to tie the knot can buy their license for $77. Visitors are asked to complete a pre-application, or to just skip it altogether, spend the money on blackjack and have one less thing to regret.

The dog flu is spreading across the U.S. for the first time in years; animal experts say few dogs are immunized, largely because the dogs run when they hear the word ‘vet’.

Former porn star and alleged Donald Trump mistress Stormy Daniels kicked off her “Make America Horny Again” tour at a strip club in South Carolina. Official tour t-shirts are available for $25 dry, or $30 wet.

New Jersey’s first lady told the crowd at a Women’s March that she was sexually assaulted, her speech was followed by a speech from former Governor Chris Christie’s last lunch entree, which was assaulted, but not necessarily sexually.

Great Britain’s Princess Eugenie of York is engaged to Jack Brooksbank – the soon-to-be “Eugenie Brooksbank” will receive the British Crown’s Award for Most Britishest Sounding Name Ever.

Twitter’s Chief Operating Officer resigned, hashtag #TrumpIsYourProblemNow.

Rum maker Bacardi is buying tequila maker Patron for $5 billion; $4 billion in tangible assets, and $1 billion in goodwill from douchebags and drunk chicks.

 

By |

The New York Times cut the number of free articles readable on its website from 10 per month to 5.  Meanwhile the Philadelphia Inquirer assured its website’s readers that the number of racist comments they can make each month will remain unlimited.

TV actress Kaley Cuoco is engaged to professional equestrian Karl Cook. This is Cook’s first marriage, and Cuoco’s second big bang.

The FIFA Men’s 2018 World Cup soccer matchups were released. The United States Men’s National Soccer team was matched up with golf caddies.

NBC will refuse to pay out the remainder of Matt Lauer’s $30 million contract; Lauer cancelled delivery of “personal massagers” he’d ordered as Christmas gifts for all the women on the Today staff.

President Trump’s lawyer, Charles Dowd, confirmed to the media that he wrote the tweet sent from Trump’s account rationalizing his firing of Michael Flynn. You’d write Trump’s tweets, too, if you could bill $500/character.

Preceding a joint press release from the President of NAMBLA and Alabama Senate Candidate Roy Moore calling it “the communications breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for” —  Facebook unveiled its Messenger For Kids app.

The implosion of Detroit’s Pontiac Silverdome failed to collapse the retired structure on the first try. Local officials are set to detonate a second round of explosives and, if that doesn’t work, the Silverdome will host Detroit’s Devil’s Night festivities next Halloween.

New Jersey Governor-elect Phil Murphy said that after this season, bear hunting will no longer be allowed in the Garden State. Murphy advised residents if  you want to shoot a 600 pound mammal rooting through garbage cans for something to eat, you’ll have to go to Chris Christie’s shore house or MetLife Stadium on Sundays.

Employee benefit consultants are lauding the $69 Billion CVS acquisition of Aetna, saying it could transform a massive, complex, pricey healthcare system into a more massive, complex, pricier healthcare system.

The Supreme Court will hear arguments on the legality of single-game sports gambling in states outside of Nevada. The Gorsuch/Thomas/Alito/Roberts/Kennedy approval parlay is paying even money at the Mirage.