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Surveillance video shows escaped murderer Danelo Cavalcante crab-walking up the wall in an exterior prison walkway to get to the roof. The manhunt continues to capture and return him to prison so he can lead total-body fitness classes.

The Pennsylvania State Police announced Operation Nighthawk – roving DUI enforcement patrols across the state during the weekend of September 9th. So drive sober or, if you’re a drunk driver who likes a challenge, get on out there.

Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, speaking after a brief hospitalization, discussed her “urgent fetal surgery”. She announced that the first episode of her new reality series, Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, will be titled ‘Urgent Fetal Surgery’.

Following the Supreme Court’s reversal of Roe v Wade, a new study shows states that have experienced a large increase in abortion services. Abortions in New Mexico increased 220%, as women seek to terminate their pregnancy and tour Carlsbad Caverns.

The Rolling Stones will release Hackney Diamonds – their first album of new music in 18 years – on October 20th. The album features contributions from Lady Gaga, Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, and whoever is donating plasma to Keith Richards.

Google’s Chrome browser turns 15 today. Executives marked the occasion with a party featuring strippers and other adult entertainers they found while in Incognito Mode.

Pepsi-owned Gatorade is introducing Gatorade Water – an electrolyte-infused water. Not to be outdone, Coca-Cola-owned Dasani is planning to introduce a new product that actually tastes like water.

Some illegal U.S. immigrants employed by disaster-relief companies are refusing to go to Florida to help with hurricane recovery efforts. They blame Governor DeSantis’ legislation requiring undocumented workers to be deported or – worse – forced to stay in Florida.

A bombshell Rolling Stone report called The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon a ‘toxic workplace’, saying four former writers experienced “suicidal ideation”. NBC defended their workplace, saying there’s nothing unique about wanting to kill yourself if you watch enough of Jimmy Fallon.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick broke up with his longtime girlfriend, Linda Holliday. Belichick is expected to remain single through the regular season, then scout new prospects at the 2024 MILF & Cougar Combine.

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The City of Philadelphia is changing all of its street lights to high-efficiency LED technology, following thousands of complaints from residents who couldn’t see who they were shooting or what car they were jacking.

A 35-year-old Indiana woman died of water toxicity after drinking too much water while on vacation – making one more public relations black eye for Dasani.

A tornado made landfall on Cape Cod earlier in the week – confirmed as a Category EF1, or, according to locals, a Wicked Twistah.

A 65 year old. woman suffered severe leg injuries after being bitten by a shark at New York’s Rockaway Beach. Officials blame warmer water temperatures, and sharks evolving taste for dry aged meat.

Los Angeles municipal workers joined hotel employees, actors, and writers on strike. So that’s pretty much everybody.

Rapper Tory Lanez was sentenced to 10 years in prison for shooting Megan Thee Stallion. She showed her approval for the stiff sentence by clomping her hoof once.

An umpire called up from Triple-A to work first base during Game 1 of a Phillies/Nationals doubleheader had 3 calls overturned by manager challenges. Major League Baseball announced he’s being promoted to Crew Chief.

The Made In America music festival in Philadelphia was cancelled by organizers, citing “severe circumstances outside of production control”. Although insiders say headliner Lizzo had fat-shamed a Benjamin Franklin impersonator, Gritty, and the Phillie Phanatic.

A United States nurse working in Haiti has been released by Haitian gang members who’d kidnapped her & her daughter. She’s thankful to be free and looking forward to being kidnapped in someplace a lot nicer.

Burger King announced a $400 million turnaround plan to reverse declining customer visits – $250 million in restaurant renovations, $150 million in advertising and digital app development, and $0 on the food.

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Kim Kardashian and Tom Brady were rumored to be “super flirty” at a July 4th party. Since Gronk will always be his tight end, Kim will have to be fullback.

A new study finds harmful chemicals are present in tap water in roughly 50% of U.S. cities – and in roughly 100% of Dasani, as a flavoring agent.

A bodyguard for NBA rookie Victor Wembanyama reportedly slapped Britney Spears in the face in Las Vegas when she tapped him on the shoulder for a photo. Britney declined the photo afterward because they got her good side.

Doctors in Singapore removed an octopus stuck in a man’s throat. The man sent the octopus in to grab the frog stuck there.

‘Matlock‘ is being rebooted with Kathy Bates, after network research among assisted living residents determined the one thing lacking from the Andy Griffith original was sex appeal.

Performers are concerned about fans throwing items on stage during concerts, after Bebe Rexha, Kelsey Ballerini, Pink & Drake all had incidents. Other artists like Toby Keith aren’t worried, and hope someone throws a decent song at him.

Vanderpump Rules Ariana Madix – who gained notoriety after her boyfriend had sex with her best friend – is the first confirmed contestant on Dancing With The Stars. Although execs are wondering whether, with this level of casting, they need to rebrand as Dancing With People You Might Have Heard Of.

An 81-year-old female nudist gave a CNN reporter advice for first-timers going to a nude beach, saying to behave “like you’re at a church picnic”. Only don’t stare at the pie and hot dogs.

Las Vegas debuted the MSG Sphere – an 18,000-seat arena billed as the World’s Largest Spherical Structure. Despite being round, owners say that once visitors are inside, they’ll be able to find a corner to piss in.

A teacher’s assistant in Canada was fired after school administrators discovered her OnlyFans account. In spite of her job status, three dozen sophomore boys paid to watch after-school detention.

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Officials are worried about a credible ISIS terrorist threat to the area around Kabul Airport in Afghanistan – they’re threatening to only sell Dasani water.

Over half of Florida’s school districts are defying Governor Desantis’ ban on mask mandates. Some families still support the mask ban, and are planning to have their kids trick-or-treat as themselves.

Vice President Kamala Harris visited Vietnam, and required a SEAL Team to free her from captivity making sneakers in a Nike factory.

Spencer Elden, who appeared naked underwater as a baby on the cover of Nirvana’s LP ‘Nevermind‘, is suing, claiming his appearance constitutes child pornography. Nirvana’s attorneys want to settle the lawsuit by giving Elden a binky and a nap.

Paulina Porizkova, 56, shared an unretouched version of her nude photo that appeared on the cover of LA Magazine. She said the pic used “no filters, no anything else”, a claim disputed by creeps who wish it had no hair obscuring her boobs.

Two U.S. congressmen – both former military service members – flew to Kabul to see the Afghanistan evacuation effort firsthand, and to hold the lowest-grossing fundraising dinners in modern history.

Delta Air Lines is raising health insurance premiums for unvaccinated workers by $200/month to compensate for COVID-19 expenses. The workers plan to make up the $200 by selling more stuff they steal out of your checked baggage.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts died at age 80, shocking everyone who placed bets on Keith Richards for the last 20 years.

Stones frontman Mick Jagger paid tribute to Watts, but feels that the show must go on – starting at $200 for lousy seats.

OnlyFans has reversed its decision and will no longer ban pornography on October 1st. Shares of KY and Astroglide lubricants are up 300% in early trading.

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A Memphis woman leaned in to a Burger King drive-thru window and fired gunshots because she thought the wait was too long. A Burger King spokesperson said they don’t expect gunshots over wait times, they typically draw gunfire because the fries are terrible.

Target’s new program lets parents recycle child car seats, cribs and strollers in exchange for coupons. So far they’ve received thousands of recyclable items, and hundreds of babies.

Experts warn coronavirus is still transmissable at warm-weather beach locations. They say COVID-19 can be contracted by handling rented beach chairs, in public showers & restrooms, or being bitten by unvaccinated sharks.

Visitors to Donald Trump’s new website, 45Office.com, can pay to receive a “personalized greeting” from Trump or his wife. Greetings from Melania in the nude cost more, nude greetings from Donald are standard.

Police are dealing with a juvenile crime wave along the Atlantic City boardwalk. They remain on the lookout for suspects looking to redeem over 2 million skee-ball tickets.

A Southwest Airlines pilot is accused of indecent exposure on a flight from Philadelphia to Orlando. He later resigned, but argues he was in the right because he’d turned off the fasten zipper sign.

Actress Thandiwe Newton – formerly Thandie – is now reclaiming her original name. Casting directors are catching on, sending emails reading “Hi Thandiwe – we gave the part to Zoe Saldana instead”.

Walgreens violated guidance by giving second doses of Pfizer COVID-19 vaccines four weeks after the first dose – not three – because it was easier. They agreed to adjust to three weeks, unless a customer has a Buy One Get One Free coupon, in which case they’ll give both doses at once.

A toxic wastewater reservoir in central Florida is at risk of collapse, releasing a wave of water that could destroy local fish & wildlife. They’re hoping to prevent the damage by pumping out 100 million gallons of toxic water per day, and transferring it to a local Dasani bottling plant.

Harvey Weinstein is appealing his rape conviction in New York, claiming witnesses were chosen to make him appear ‘loathsome’. Prosecutors disagree, saying they chose witnesses to make him appear ‘gross’.