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Fans of Architectural Digest are questioning why they chose Kim Kardashian to give commentary on a tour of producer Ryan Murphy’s home for their website. Kardashian defended her interest in architecture, saying she knows a lot about the texture of arks.

NASA is seeking volunteer ‘crew members’ to live in isolation for one year during a simulated mission to Mars. Applicants must have a STEM-based masters-level education and agree not to have unprotected sex on Mars.

Camden, New Jersey preschool students celebrated their 100th day of school by dressing up as 100-year-olds. Some of the kids really got into it, complaining about the applesauce and crapping their pants.

United Airlines diverted a Boston-to-San Francisco flight to Denver after pieces of the wing fell off. Fortunately they were able to fix it with some extra unruly-passenger duct tape and were flying again in no time.

American Airlines is raising its checked bag fees to $35, and promises to do a better job foiling cheapskates by scanning checked luggage for pets and toddlers.

Alabama’s Supreme Court ruled that frozen embryos are people. A worker at an Alabama fertility clinic now faces manslaughter charges after forgetting to put the emrbyos back in the freezer after making room for his Popsicles.

Capital One is buying Discover Card for $35 billion. Discover cardholders are hoping they’ll change the name so they get laughed at less often when paying for goods & services.

New York Attorney General Letitia James said she’ll seize Donald Trump’s assets if he doesn’t pay his $345 million fine for fraud. In response, Trump demanded workers crank out 865,000 pairs of his $399 sneakers for James to take.

A duo from China that scammed Apple out of 5,000 iPhones by claiming to run a phone repair service will spend up to 20 years in prison. They were given the opportunity for an alternate sentence building iPhones, but chose prison instead.

In Australia for her Eras Tour performances, Taylor Swift spent a day visiting the Sydney Zoo. She then announced a scathing new diss track for her upcoming album The Tortured Poets Department, titled ‘The Gorilla Won’t Wave Hello Back’.

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Volkswagen is adding artificial intelligence ChatGPT to its cars. Now a Volkswagen can earn a Bachelor’s degree from Arizona State.

Tiger Woods & sponsor Nike are splitting up after 27 years. Nike allegedly found sexts from Adidas on his phone and struck his car with a five-iron.

Electronics manufacturer LG unveiled the world’s largest 77-inch transparent TV, which you can see through when it’s turned off. LG says it makes rooms look bigger, and allows ordinary people with priceless paintings to mount them behind the TV.

The Perkiomen Valley school board in suburban Philadelphia approved a dog for one of the district’s middle schools. The dog will provide students with emotional support and can also eat homework.

Apple debuted its Vision Pro “mixed reality” headset, which ships in early February and costs $3,499. They recommend married couples buy two, so each person can visualize someone else in the bedroom on date nights.

Gabriel Attal, 34, became France’s youngest and first openly gay Prime Minister, and the country’s fourth gay Prime Minister.

Google is working with states so users can add drivers licenses to Google Wallet. Google doesn’t expect to add Mississippi anytime soon since officials there keep telling Google they don’t know how to print their cell phone screen.

Pope Francis called for a ban on surrogacy, saying it’s “exploitation”. Kim Kardashian, who has two kids via surrogate, disagreed, saying it’s both “a bargain, especially if you buy two” and “the best way to have kids without having sex with Kanye”.

United Airlines & Alaska Airlines found loose bolts when inspecting their grounded fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines also inspected their full aircraft fleet and reported no loosening of duct tape or Flex Seal super glue.

Alex Crow, 30, an Alabama priest who fled to Italy to marry an 18-year-old female Catholic school student he’d “groomed”, will be removed as a priest by Pope Francis. But Francis still said he’d buy them something from their registry at Crate & Barrel.

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An Arizona woman was trampled to death by an elk she was trying to feed. The woman’s body was found next to a bag from Taco Bell.

The Washington Zoo returned panda bears Mei Xiang and Tian Tian along with their cubs to China. In exchange, China returned several American grizzly bears detained at the Shanghai Zoo for espionage.

Ohio voters legalized recreational marijuana. But it will still take months for Cleveland to move up the America’s Most Livable Cities list.

A magnitude 5.3 earthquake struck near the western Texas town of Mantone. The quake started at 4:27 a.m. and lasted about a minute, at which point Texans stopped shooting at it.

The FDA approved a new injectable weight loss drug, Zepbound, following a lengthy clinical trial that resulted in Kelly Clarkson looking terrific.

GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is claiming censorship after airport retailer Hudson Booksellers said it won’t sell her upcoming memoir, MTG. Hudson said they based their decision on limited shelf space in airport stores, and Taylor Greene’s supporters being illiterate.

Actors union SAG-AFTRA ended their 118-day strike. Following member approval of the new deal on Friday, actors and studios will get back to work producing crap.

A brawl erupted outside the Los Angeles screening of a film documenting the Hamas terror attack in Israel. Across town, a bigger brawl erupted with hardcore MCU fanboys demanding refunds after a screening of The Marvels.

A former Maryland middle school teacher was arrested and charged with having sex with a student eight years ago when she was 22 and the student was 14. The former student described the sex as “memorable”.

A flight from the U.K. to the U.S. departed with two broken windows in the passenger cabin, and reached 15,000 feet before anyone noticed. Flight attendants attempted to fix them with ‘unruly passenger’ duct tape, but the flight turned around anyway.

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Chicago & Philadelphia are Numbers 1 & 2 on pest control company Orkin’s ‘Worst Bed Bug Cities’ list. Orkin workers say bed bug treatments are worst in those cities because the bed bugs are armed.

DoorDash will deliver Girl Scout Cookies. But go get your own goddamn pizza and Chinese food, say Girl Scouts.

Donald Trump abruptly ended an interview with NPR after being confronted about his lies regarding election fraud. The interviewer accepted some of the blame, saying he shouldn’t have booked the talk so close to the start of ‘Justice with Judge Jeanine’.

Friends say Pete Davidson is “bringing out the best” in Kim Kardashian. She’s also “hiding the worst” since her four kids aren’t around when they get together.

Several East Coast cities in the grip of a cold snap cancelled outdoor COVID testing events, for fear that those waiting in line could suffer from exposure, and because the swabs kept getting stuck in people’s noses.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson apologized for attending a “bring your own booze” party during the COVID lockdown. He also apologized for showing up to the party with Coors Light.

North Korea is in the midst of a fertilizer shortage, and is pleading with citizens to make more manure. In other news, North Korea is opening its first Taco Bell.

A man entered the cockpit of an American Airlines jet pre-flight and damaged instruments before being arrested. He now holds the distinguished title of being the first person duct-taped into the Captain’s Chair.

Bank of America is reducing its overdraft fees, and eliminating insufficient funds penalties for bounced checks. However, the fee for Bank of America customers using an out-of-network ATM increases to $500 per transaction.

The U.S. Mint announced the first-ever American Women Quarters Program, where images of women appear on 25-cent pieces. When you turn the quarter upside-down, their clothes come off.

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Stephanie Matto, star of 90 Day Fiance, shut down her business selling farts in a jar, claiming her diet of smoothies, beans and eggs caused severe gas pains. She’ll issue refunds for customers who bought gift cards to give out at Christmas.

A sign posted in a University of Maryland dormitory informs male students that masturbating in the shower is a housing code violation, and that the pipes “aren’t designed to handle semen”. That, and there’s a rash of unwanted pregnancies in campus sewer rats.

The European Union banned tattoo ink containing carcinogenic chemicals. Tattoo artists say this is hurting their ability to serve loyal customers who want new tattoos to commemorate their cancer battle.

Verizon & AT&T refused to delay the launch of 5G technology at the request of the FAA, who is concerned 5G may interfere with airline communication. “My jet is going down!” said an airline passenger over a smartphone with a speedy and reliable Verizon 5G connection.

French President Emmanuel Macron said he intends to “piss off” unvaccinated French citizens with severe restrictions to their ability accessing public places. Actually he said something sounding more like “peas uff” but French people still understood him.

AirlineRatings.com, an industry website, named Air New Zealand 2022’s Safest Airline based on crash & incident records, age of aircraft, COVID protocols, and fewest sticky seats from duct-taping enraged passengers.

KFC will begin selling plant-based Beyond Fried Chicken nuggets, which taste like chicken, but isn’t. This is different from their standard offering, which tastes like chicken, and mostly is.

For the first time, ABC’s ‘The Bachelor‘ had a bachelorette withdraw from the competition. Salley, a woman who’d been engaged but called off the wedding, said she was going home. Producers were confused, saying they didn’t know how to handle contestants behaving with dignity.

‘Real Housewives Of Miami’ star Lisa Hochstein said she’s removing her cosmetic ‘facial fillers’, saying she wants her face to look empty again.

John Deere introduced a fully autonomous self-driving tractor, which plows and harvests fields so farmers can spend more time in the barn building relationships with cows and sheep.

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Skytrax, an airline review group, named Qatar Airways the World’s Best Airline, and Delta Air Lines the Best North American Airline. American Airlines and Frontier received special recognition for Most Creative Use Of Duct Tape.

A Florida woman was arrested after being found nude and “pleasuring herself” in the back seat of a Jeep at an auto dealership. “I’ll take it!” said a customer following his overnight test drive.

Homeland Security chief Alejandro Mayorkas said that 1 in 5 illegal immigrants of the thousands gathered at the Del Rio, Texas border are now ill – a mix of COVID-19, and complications from food donated by local Taco Bell restaurants.

The Philadelphia Flower Show, which was held outdoors in 2021 for the first time due to the pandemic, will be held outdoors again in mid-June, 2022. This year’s theme will be Resuscitating Senior Citizens Experiencing Heat Stroke.

R. Kelly was convicted on all counts of racketeering and sex trafficking. He awaits sentencing and is much less convinced in his belief that he can fly.

French President Emanuel Macron was struck by an egg thrown at him while he attended a food fair. Macron is fine, and happy that the egg was used for something original and not put on a hamburger.

Alexandra Souveneva, 30, is charged with starting one of the large California wildfires, the Fawn Fire. Souveneva was reportedly “hiking to Canada” and started the fire to boil water. Souveneva’s attorney said she’s not good at judging distances or cooking.

Former UFC champion Ronda Rousey welcomed a daughter, her first child with husband Travis Browne. Rousey shared an Instagram snap of the child breastfeeding, then she switched to her right breast because her left had tapped out.

The parents of Brian Laundrie – wanted in the murder of Gabby Petito – called the cops when Dog The Bounty Hunter showed up on their lawn. The Laundries told police they’ve had stray dogs on their property, but that this one is the mangiest.

A Chinese man died of liver failure after he chugged 1.5 liters of Coca-Cola in 10 minutes. In addition to liver trauma, an autopsy revealed his throat suffered severe burns from the minute-long belch before he died.

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Cris Galera, a Brazilian lingerie model, recently “married herself” outside of a Sao Paulo Catholic Church to preach a message of “self love”. And boy, were her hands tired the next day.

A Michigan man had six kidney beans removed from his urethra after shoving them in the end of his penis for sexual gratification. He’s now okay, but visiting friends refuse to eat his chili.

Afghan women are dressing in rainbow colors to express their displeasure with Afghanistan’s oppressive patriarchical rules. The Taliban calls the women’s futures “rainbow no-so-brite”.

SpaceX successfully launched the first all-civilian crew into orbit, where one argued about masks & the 2020 election, becoming the first civilian astronaut to be duct-taped to their seat.

Walmart is offering a $30 discount for preorders of the new ninth-generation iPad, but is also charging Walmart shoppers $30 if they want to learn how to charge it and turn it on.

Mobile messaging platform WhatsApp is testing a Yellow Pages-style business directory. Businesses won’t need to create a listing, because WhatsApp owner Facebook already stole all the information they need to make it.

Brian Laundrie, 23, is now a “person of interest” in the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito, after she vanished during their cross-country road trip. Laundrie refuses to speak to police and hired a lawyer, who privately calls him a “guy who probably did it”.

Magician Dustin Tavella is the Season 16 winner of America’s Got Talent, beating out aerialists, comedians, singers and martial artists who got more talent.

Rapper Fat Joe is under fire for lyrics he used in a rap battle against Ja Rule, calling female rapper Lil Mo a “dusty bitch” that Ja Rule found in a crackhouse. Lil Mo objected to being called bitch & crackhead, saying her preferred nicknames are ‘shawty’ and ‘hoochie mama’.

British retailer Marks & Spencer blames the poor European economy and Brexit for its announced closure of 11 stores, in what they’re calling The Oh, Bother, This Is Dreadful News, Isn’t It? Store Closure Sale.