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The U.S. Postal Service introduced a Yogi Berra commemorative stamp. It honors a guy so dumb, the value of the stamp is ten cents less than whatever you’re trying to mail.

Rescue teams in Japan responded to a call regarding a drowning woman, that turned out to be a discarded sex doll. The doll was pulled from the water, then a half-dozen first responders fought for two hours to see who got to marry it.

NBA star and Khloe Kardashian baby-daddy Tristan Thompson was spotted at a party going into a bedroom with three women and then emerging a half-hour later looking “disheveled”. It’s the first time in several seasons that Thompson has put in 30 quality minutes.

Ping Golf unveiled its newest line of putters, featuring 11 different models you can use to miss from a foot away, then snap over your leg.

Renee Zellweger is reportedly dating HGTV reality star Ant Anstead. Her reps, however, will not confirm rumors she has Ant in her pants.

Kanye West sued Walmart for selling knockoff Yeezy sneakers. Walmart defended their products, saying they’re clearly marked Jaclyn Smeezy Sneakers.

Vice President Kamala Harris plans to make her first visit to the U.S./Mexico border, then keep going until she gets to Cabo.

Hip-hop star Blueface signed on to compete in the Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship, in hopes of beating up another celebrity and not becoming Redface.

Astronauts installed new solar panels outside of the International Space Station. They’re hoping it cuts their electric bill so that they don’t have to keep working part time jobs at the on-board Starbucks.

Derek Chauvin will be sentenced today in the murder of George Floyd. He’s being advised by his lawyer to get his affairs in order – and by “affairs” he means a head-to-toe Kevlar-lined prison jumpsuit to protect against daily prison shankings.

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A sequestered jury convicted Derek Chauvin on three separate murder & manslaughter counts in the killing of George Floyd. They returned the verdicts so fast, nobody earned Marriott Points or got to sample the free breakfast buffet.

Fox News’ Greg Gutfeld said he was relieved at the Derek Chauvin verdict because his neighborhood got looted during Black Lives Matter protests over the summer. Greg Gutfeld added that he lives in a Foot Locker.

Peloton refuses to recall their treadmills, despite instances of small children being injured by them. Peloton believes admitting their products hurt kids will harm their upcoming launch of Peloton Tricycles.

A Los Angeles judge ordered that all homeless people on Skid Row be offered housing by the fall. His ruling preceded the groundbreaking ceremony for Skid Townhomes.

Kelly Osbourne said on the premiere episode of her podcast that she’d relapsed after four years sober. Osbourne said she’s sober again, but hopes the ‘cast gets plenty of downloads and that she doesn’t download more martinis.

Six English soccer clubs exited the proposed European ‘Super League’ before it even started, leaving its future in question. However, the Not-So-Super League – featuring your kid’s 6 & under soccer game – is still on for “too early” this Saturday morning.

Pfizer says they’ve found counterfeit COVID-19 vaccines in foreign countries. A company spokesperson reminded health officials that authentic bottles of vaccine don’t have The Flintstones on them.

The parent company of Old Country Buffet declared bankruptcy, citing reduced traffic during the pandemic, and costly legal settlements with dozens of families whose toddlers drowned in the chocolate fountain.

A new study finds poor sleep doubles the risk of sexual dysfunction in women. The study included 1,000 sleeping women poked awake by their partners’ erections.

Queen Elizabeth thanked well-wishers on her 95th birthday – the first since the death of her husband Prince Philip. She said she’ll miss birthday sex, so she may open the closet and dust off the royal scepter.

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Derek Chauvin will not testify in his own defense at his murder trial. Chauvin informed the judge that it was his sole decision, just after his lawyer took his knee off of Chauvin’s neck.

The Chauvin trial jury is now expected to deliberate murder charges for the duration of an elevator ride to the jury room, then take another ride back to the courtroom and announce their conviction.

Democrats introduced legislation expanding the Supreme Court to 13 justices, and a separate bill to add a second Judge Judy who isn’t so mean all the time.

Mercedes-Benz debuted the EQS, its new all-electric car. The EQS has a ‘Power Nap’ mode for rest stops that reclines the seat, darkens the cabin, plays soothing sounds, and wakes up the driver if they’re having a bad dream about being poor.

Scientists have grown hybrid monkey/human embryos that survive up to three weeks in a lab. An unnamed investor is hoping combo monkey/humans can be fully developed so they can staff Amazon Warehouses.

Dr. Dre must find a new lawyer in his divorce proceedings, because his attorney had represented both Dre & his estranged wife in the past. The attorney objected, but the judge overruled his motion to dismizzle.

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez broke off their engagment. During this difficult time, neither asks for privacy.

The WNBA held its annual draft last night. “Really? I missed it.” said multiple players drafted by the WNBA.

A rare condition known as ‘superfetation’ resulted in a British woman conceiving a second child three weeks after first becoming pregnant, then delivering both as twins. She almost achieved superduperfetation, but the twins told a triplet to get lost.

Cuba’s Raul Castro, 89, resigned as Communist Party President. He said he hoped to celebrate with a cigar, but is worried his skin will catch fire.

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Egypt paraded 22 mummies through the streets of Cairo as they moved between museums. The parade took 12 hours since the mummies were really dragging their feet.

A double-mutant COVID-19 strain emerged in California. It’s believed to have originated when Wolverine made out with Storm on the set of Maskless X-Men.

Republicans are railing against the idea of COVID-19 ‘vaccine passports’ – mainly because they’re older and not crazy about their passport photos.

Dubai police made multiple arrests after nude women were photographed on the balcony of an apartment building, in violation of public decency laws. They face fines and prison terms, while the property manager faces a tenfold increase in guys wanting to rent apartments there.

A Tulsa, Oklahoma man was arrested for stalking a female coworker by leaving candy & food on her doorstep, then shooting her husband when they emerged from their home. He remains in jail, while the raccoons that ate the candy and food try to bail him out.

A magnitude 4.0 earthquake struck the Los Angeles area at around 4a.m. Monday, hoping to get the jump on traffic.

Cher apologized for a Tweet speculating if she were present at the murder of George Floyd, she could have helped. It started “if i could turn back tiiiiime..”

New Mexico has already administered COVID-19 vaccines to over 50% of residents. Local health officials credit both the efficiency of their plan, and New Mexico not offering much other interesting shit to do.

Katy Perry said she’s quit shaving her legs since becoming a Mom, describing herself as “fine, fresh, fierce ..and furry”.

Lizzo shared multiple photos on Instagram wearing a form-fitting purple dress with a lower-back cutout that exposed her butt crack. She had it made so she had somewhere to put her microphone while she’s clapping on stage.

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Starbucks shareholders rejected the proposed compensation of CEO Kevin Johnson, downgrading his venti-million-dollar bonus to tall, and writing Ken Johnston on it.

A judge ruled the trial of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin for the killing of George Floyd will remain in the city, saying they didn’t budget all that money on barricades and riot gear for nothing.

A new book, ‘Countdown‘, by New York doctor Shanna Swan, claims toxic chemicals have reduced male sperm counts by almost 60% since 1973. Swan cites a variety of chemicals, but specifically points out that Miller Lite was introduced in 1973.

Tanzania’s President John Magufuli, a COVID-19 skeptic who hadn’t procured any vaccines for his country, died of heart disease. Vice President Samia Suluhu Hassan was sworn in for her 30-day term until she dies of COVID-19.

An assistant district attorney in Bucks County, Pennsylvania was demoted for making GrubHub deliveries during work hours. He was caught after requesting a trial recess, then returning to the courtroom and asking jurors “who ordered the Quarter Pounder Value Meal?”

A 59-year-old Las Vegas billionaire is suing his 26-year-old ex-girlfriend, an Only Fans model, for using his properties to stage nude photos, including one wearing only a yarmulke from his son’s Bar Mitzvah. The model is currently dating his son.

Following multiple allegations of racist & homophobic language, ‘The Talk’ host Sharon Osbourne claims she’s receiving death threats. Asked who’s making them, Osbourne replied “p*ssy lickers, persian carpet c**ts, wontons, you name it”.

A lighting crew member died on the set of ABC’s ‘The Conners’. Right now, officials are only sure that he didn’t die of laughter.

Apple is planning massive privacy updates to iOS 14 this Spring, which may limit Facebook’s ability to get information from iPhone users. In response, Facebook is replacing Friend Requests with Stranger Requests.

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart got engaged to drag racer Leah Pruett. Stewart was quick to point out Pruett competes in top-fuel National Hot Rod Association events, not the other king of drag races.

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The CDC said it’s safe for vaccinated grandparents to visit in-person with low-risk family members. So grandchildren, consider yourself warned.

Five jurors have been selected in the trial of Derek Chauvin, Minneapolis police officer accused of killing George Floyd. Defense attorneys are looking to avoid juror bias, prosecutors are looking for people who can slam-dunk a murder conviction.

For the fourth time on Thursday, freshman Congressman Marjorie Taylor-Greene motioned to adjourn Congressional business for that day. Because apparently 10 weeks off isn’t enough.

A Kroger supermarket pharmacy in Virginia gave 10 people empty shots at a COVID-19 vaccine clinic. In a month, they’ll have to return for a second empty shot.

Lou Ottens, inventor of the cassette tape, passed away at age 94. Doctors were unable to save him by twirling a ball point pen in his hole. [story h/t to N.Y. ! ]

Apple announced new features coming to Apple Watch, including the ability to let the watch bore your friends by telling them about the features so you don’t have to.

Jennifer Garner said one of her daughters with Ben Affleck was kicked off a kindergarten soccer team because of paparazzi – that, and multiple red cards for kicks to the groin of opponents.

The Masked Singer unmasked its first non-winner of the new season: Kermit the Frog. So now you know that Kermit the Frog is officially a has-been.

Hillary Clinton tweeted about the 526,000 lives lost to COVID-19, and her disbelief that only a couple of them were on her enemies list.

The National Hockey League’s worst team, the Buffalo Sabres, will have fans in their home building for the first time since the pandemic started. City officials thanked the team for doing their part to give the city’s homeless someplace to go for a few hours.

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Jeffrey Epstein lawyer Alan Dershowitz challenged Epstein accuser Virginia Roberts to say on camera she was forced to have sex with Dershowitz on multiple occasions, so she did it for a Netflix documentary.  “I object!” yelled 81-year-old Dershowitz at his tv.

In Minneapolis, protestors set fire to a police station as protests against the death of George Floyd continuted for a third day. Cops tried stopping the fire by kneeling on it, but were unsuccessful.

Twitter flagged another of Donald Trump tweets, this one for ‘glorifying violence’ while threatening Minneapolis protestors. Twitter also put the same flag on thousands of other tweets from men & women bragging about “blowing up” public restrooms. 

Anheuser-Busch is crowdsourcing ideas from creative people to market its new Social Club brand of hard seltzer. So far they’ve gotten a lot of pictures, videos and drawings of people emptying it into sinks. 

Tech companies Creston, Logitech & Zoom introduced a new home webcam system that lets you participate in Zoom calls on your tv from your couch – giving you a far more comfortable place to fall asleep during office Zoom calls.

Budget grocery chain Aldi said they’re expanding curbside pickup service, for people who don’t mind gathering their unbagged groceries dumped by the curb.

YouTube introduced video chapters, making it easier for your influencer wannabe friends to segment their longer videos that you’ll never watch.

An Australian zookeeper is in critical condition after being mauled by two lions. Other zoo animals condemned the lions’ failure to adhere to social distancing.

Researchers discovered the deepest octopus on record, 4.3 miles below the surface of the Indian Ocean. “What is ocean life, really?” asked the deep octopus.

A 51-year-old Bay Area California woman was arrested on hate crime charges after leaving notes on Asian-American homes telling residents to leave the country. She had no comment other than to express regret over handwriting the letters, because there are more Asians than she thought.