By |

Ronda Rousey is four months pregnant, following her husband’s victory via submission hold in December.

NFL owners ratified new rules to expand the duties of the instant replay official in the press box – he or she will now be responsible for fetching beers in between helping on-field officials get their calls wrong.

Pregnant women are being encouraged to get a COVID-19 vaccine by the CDC, and by their friends & family so they can talk about something else besides being pregnant.

Oklahoma passed a law giving some legal protections to operators that strike protesters with their vehicles. The protesters are no longer permitted to sue the cowboy or the horse.

The International Space Station is running out of beds, according to both NASA, and the snippy front desk clerk at the International Space Station.

Reports surfaced of Barstool Sports CEO Erika Nardini having an affair with her married squash coach – who is now her separated smash coach.

Jeopardy! Announced its new roster of guest hosts, including Levar Burton, Robin Roberts, David Faber, George Stephanopolous and Joe Buck. Fan reaction ranged from delight over the inclusion of Levar Burton, to “Who the hell is David Faber?”

The Los Angeles Dodgers will debut a ‘fully vaccinated fan section’ at Dodger Stadium for Saturday’s game against the San Diego Padres – to be followed by a ‘fully vaccinated fistfight section’ for future home games against the San Francisco Giants.

A new study finds sleep deprivation in midlife increases the risk of dementia. In other words, your crying baby really is driving you nuts.

The purchaser of Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach mansion had it demolished, sharing photos of bucket loaders tearing up the floorboards and filling up with girls underwear.

By |

Verizon is launching a new tool to remotely troubleshoot technical issues in your home without a service technican visit. They’re calling it The Phone.

Amazon hired 100,000 new workers in the last four weeks and are planning to add another 75,000 to replace three-quarters of the first 100,000 that died of exhaustion.

Wildfires have engulfed the area surrounding Chernobyl, threatening extinction to the area’s indigenous two-headed animals.

George Stephanopolous has been diagnosed with COVID-19, or Stephanopoloronaviralous.

NFL staffs will have a practice draft this week in preparation for next week’s official online NFL Draft. They’ll utilize Microsoft Teams; they’d planned to use Zoom but Brett Favre kept crashing the meetings to show his penis.

Bernie Sanders endorsed Joe Biden for President, saying he places his full support behind the guy with whom he shares about one thing in common, sort of.

Deadly tornadoes devastated areas throughout the South and East. Donald Trump plans to tour the area via a GoPro drone with a MAGA cap on it.

Burger King is offering free Whoppers to students who solve a daily math problem. Then, it’s up to their parents to solve the weight gain and blood pressure problems.

Australia has its first ‘stool bank’, where people can get $25 donating healthy stool samples used in transplants to correct digestive disorders. Donors are given a battery of tests, frustrating the efforts of enterprising dogs looking to get Snausage money.

Police in Indonesia’s central Java province employ residents dressed in white sheets as ghosts – ‘pochong’ – to spook people into staying home at night during the coronavirus outbreak. Then they spend the day spooking workers into extending their shifts at the Nike factory.

By |

Michael Cohen, in a hearing regarding documents seized by the FBI, revealed that Fox News anchor Sean Hannity was also a client in addition to Donald Trump.  The ‘witch hunt’ is now a ‘which hunt’ – as in, ‘which’ is the bigger scumbag client of Michael Cohen?

Desiree Linden became the first American woman to win the Boston Marathon since 1985, after six Kenyan and Ethiopian women runners froze to death.

Domino’s announced that they’re creating hotspots so that people can have pizza delivered to outdoor locations like the beach. They came up with the idea when they noticed not very many people were getting sick to their stomachs at the beach.

Former FBI Director James Comey said that Donald Trump is “morally unfit to be President.” Adding to “physically”, “mentally”, “emotionally”, “strategically” and, of course, “totally”.

The New York Times and The New Yorker shared a Pulitzer prize for public service for their reporting on Harvey Weinstein and sexual harassment in Hollywood. The winning writers exchanged polite handshakes and nobody even thought about hugging each other.

Sun Country Airlines stranded passengers in Mexico, cancelling their return flights to Minnesota. The airline is seasonal, so cancelled flights were the last ones and Sun Country refused to send other aircraft. Luckily, a benevolent Mexican stranger offered to fly stranded passengers back to the states after they each swallowed several condoms.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Armstrong said employees will undergo ‘unconscious bias’ training following the Philadelphia incident where police were called to remove two black men from the shop. The training will also prevent baristas from putting six Splenda packets in black customers’ coffees without their asking.

James Comey continued a string of tv appearances Tuesday on ABC’s Good Morning America for a follow-up conversation with George Stephanopoulos. But he had to cut it short to get to his new gig on Live! With Kelly and Comey.

Brett Favre reportedly auditioned to replace departed Jon Gruden as color announcer on Monday Night Football, but was removed from consideration for repeatedly using his penis as the quarterback on the telestrator.

Pro wrestlers Nikki Bella and John Cena have ended their engagement. Insiders claim that Cena was balking over going through with their May wedding, leading Bella to tag out. The couple requests privacy until they can explain what happened at the next Wrestlemania.

By |

The New Yorker is reporting that a doorman at one of Donald Trump’s buildings was paid $30,000 not to discuss a story about a Trump building housekeeper allegedly bearing a child fathered by Trump. Not only did Trump supposedly get the housekeeper pregnant, he announced his missile strike on her two full days in advance.

A new study from the University of Connecticut reports that public restroom hand dryers suck up fecal matter and blow it back on users’ hands. The study also concluded that those are some pretty goddamned powerful bathroom hand dryers at the University of Connecticut.

President Trump has proposed rejoining the Trans-Pacific Partnership, presumably with a porn star he met in Japan.

Khloe Kardashian gave birth to a daughter with boyfriend Tristan Thompson, just days after allegations emerged that Thompson is a ‘serial cheater’, with gossip outlets posting images of him with several different women.  Thompson was present at the birth of his daughter, confident that he has three more affairs until he fouls out of the relationship.

A plastic surgeon in NYC who specializes in creating “designer nipples” for women say they ask for the “Kendall Jenner look”  – firmer nipples to highlight their breasts through their clothing. He said that if the surgery doesn’t take, the women still get a consolation prize of an old white t-shirt.

A bank robber stopped at Taylor Swift’s vacation home to throw stolen money over the fence to get her attention. She swiftly released a catchy diss track insulting the guy for not stealing and throwing more money.

Former FBI Director James Comey sat for an interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos, which airs Sunday. So in the course of a month, ABC and CBS will have aired Sunday night interviews with a man, and a woman, f*cked by Donald Trump.

Details are emerging about updates to Gmail, including ‘Confidential Mode’, which lets Gmail users stop recipients from forwarding them, or restricts the ability to copy, download or print them. It’s also known as ‘Your Grandfather’ Mode, since he can’t seem to do that stuff anyway.

The new Gmail will also allow users to require a password to open designated emails, which idiots are encouraged to not put in the ‘Subject’ line.

Tonya Harding was named to the newest cast of ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’. All Burbank, California Lowes & Home Depot stores report they’re sold out of crowbars.