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The Electoral College meets today and will confirm Joe Biden’s victory over Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential Election. Over 130 Republican Congressmen joined a new Trump lawsuit to confirm his victory in the Electoral Community College.

Video game publisher Electronic Arts acquired Codemasters – publishers of popular Micro Machines games. EA plans to create Grand Theft Auto-type games where players can run over hookers with tiny cars.

Baseball’s Cleveland Indians will reportedly change their team name from Indians. Native American leaders praised the move, saying they’ve suffered enough from their hundred-year association with the city of Cleveland.

Google suffered a service outage early Monday, impacting Gmail, search, Google Drive and other services. Although the outage was fixed in an hour, it will be cited as an excuse for “that email I never got” for several months.

Homeland Security confirmed a Russian cyberattack on the U.S. Treasury. The U.S. Mint will trash $10 bills whose backs were engraved with a photo of Donald Trump watching prostitutes urinate on a bed that Barack Obama slept in.

Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins will direct Rogue Squadron – the next entry in the Star Wars Cinematic Universe. Jenkins promises to add lots of women Rebel fighter pilots, and crew who are nervous about flying with them.

Facebook announced its new musical collaboration app, Collab, so users can create songs and videos together despite being in different locations. So far, no takers to collaborate with Lee Greenwood on his new song ‘Trump Won By A Landslide’.

A new ABC News/IPSOS poll finds 8 out of 10 Americans would agree to be inoculated against COVID-19, while respondents in the deep South said they’ll wait for a shot instead.

SpaceX’s Falcon 9 rocket successfully launched another satellite for SiriusXM radio – allowing the broadcaster to offer 200 more channels of Christmas music.

The UK authorized the trial use of psychedelic hallucinogen dimethyltriptamine – DMT – for use in treatment of depression. Drug makers are looking for several hundred Brits who feel depressed, but really groovy.

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Police in Oklahoma pulled over a woman driving a car with a tire missing and a full margarita in her cup holder. Police told her that they could see her rim, and she told them it has salt on it.

Facebook plans to implement a Content Oversight Board to review material posted there. Board members must like kittens and be able to read & speak Russian.

Burger King is partnering with Impossible Foods to offer a new version of its Whopper made with plant protein containing no meat. They plan to introduce it with an original Whopper ad slogan – it takes two hands to toss the Veggie Whopper in the garbage.

Carly Rae Jepsen will release her fourth album, ‘Dedicated’, next month. “Buy it, maybe” said Jepsen, reminding everyone who she is.

A second female is accusing former VP Joe Biden of inappropriate behavior, saying he leaned in to rub her nose against his. When Biden’s nose touched hers, the golden retriever puppy ran away.

Magician David Blaine is being investigated by the NYPD following claims of sexual assault. Police issued a search warrant to Blaine, seeking to find the bottom halves of the women.

The Global Drug Survey – conducted with 22,000 respondents worldwide – reveals people in Britain are most likely to combine sex and drugs. Anything to avoid British food.

Gmail added a message scheduling feature. So, go ahead and write that email firing people and schedule it to send at 4:45p.m.. on the Friday before your two-week vacation.

A California couple found a hidden camera disguised as a smoke detector above the bed in the Airbnb they’d rented. They discovered it when the speaker on the smoke detector told them to stop smoking because it was tough to see them having sex.

Jared Kushner said that ex-felons in Florida – now eligible to vote – are part of ‘the new coalition that President Trump is building’. By ‘coalition’ it’s presumed that Kushner means ‘staff’, either at the White House or Mar-A-Lago.

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Amazon announced that Amazon Key members can have packages delivered to the trunks of their cars — explaining the rash of drone crashes on the nation’s interstate highways.

Facebook released 25 pages of documents to show how it polices bullying and hate speech. Twitter also released its guide book, ‘How To Improve Your Bullying and Hate Speech’.

Oxford University researchers claim that hydrogen sulfide clouds make the atmosphere of Uranus smell like farts. They added that no human will ever experience it due to -200 Celsius temperatures, but said that if anyone wanted to come close, they could always use a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop toilet in December.

Police making a traffic stop arrested a Delaware woman for operating a “one-pot” meth lab in her Volkswagen Jetta. She was planning to use the money she made to buy an SUV and expand to a three-pot meth lab.

  • One-pot mobile meth labs are apparently expanding in popularity, as more and more Americans deliver for Amazon.

Google announced that it had taken down over 8 million objectionable YouTube videos over the last three months — giving you that excuse you’ve needed to explain why you haven’t watched your friend’s stand-up comedy debut.

Google followed the lead of Apple, Samsung & Twitter and changed its handgun emoji to a water gun. The change was protested by the Wicked Witch of the West.

Comcast has made a $31 Billion acquisition offer for European broadcaster Sky, in a coup to expand its World Class reputation for customer service to a whole new continent.

Global wine production slumped to its lowest level in 60 years in 2017, according to data from the International Organization of Vine and Wine, threatening to make cheap wine more expensive and lower in quality. “Hmm..I detect notes of elderberries, paint thinner and antifreeze..” said an oenophile hobo before wetting himself and falling asleep.

The new Gmail begins rolling out to users this week, featuring Confidential Mode – messages that can’t be forwarded or printed by recipients, and can be made to disappear after being read. The technology is being hailed as a breakthrough by office creeps looking to sexually harass coworkers.

Two former NFL cheerleaders offered to drop their discrimination lawsuit against the league in exchange for a one-dollar settlement and a meeting with Commissioner Roger Goodell. The women want to ask Goodell about their low pay & long hours, and if he has spirit!

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The New Yorker is reporting that a doorman at one of Donald Trump’s buildings was paid $30,000 not to discuss a story about a Trump building housekeeper allegedly bearing a child fathered by Trump. Not only did Trump supposedly get the housekeeper pregnant, he announced his missile strike on her two full days in advance.

A new study from the University of Connecticut reports that public restroom hand dryers suck up fecal matter and blow it back on users’ hands. The study also concluded that those are some pretty goddamned powerful bathroom hand dryers at the University of Connecticut.

President Trump has proposed rejoining the Trans-Pacific Partnership, presumably with a porn star he met in Japan.

Khloe Kardashian gave birth to a daughter with boyfriend Tristan Thompson, just days after allegations emerged that Thompson is a ‘serial cheater’, with gossip outlets posting images of him with several different women.  Thompson was present at the birth of his daughter, confident that he has three more affairs until he fouls out of the relationship.

A plastic surgeon in NYC who specializes in creating “designer nipples” for women say they ask for the “Kendall Jenner look”  – firmer nipples to highlight their breasts through their clothing. He said that if the surgery doesn’t take, the women still get a consolation prize of an old white t-shirt.

A bank robber stopped at Taylor Swift’s vacation home to throw stolen money over the fence to get her attention. She swiftly released a catchy diss track insulting the guy for not stealing and throwing more money.

Former FBI Director James Comey sat for an interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos, which airs Sunday. So in the course of a month, ABC and CBS will have aired Sunday night interviews with a man, and a woman, f*cked by Donald Trump.

Details are emerging about updates to Gmail, including ‘Confidential Mode’, which lets Gmail users stop recipients from forwarding them, or restricts the ability to copy, download or print them. It’s also known as ‘Your Grandfather’ Mode, since he can’t seem to do that stuff anyway.

The new Gmail will also allow users to require a password to open designated emails, which idiots are encouraged to not put in the ‘Subject’ line.

Tonya Harding was named to the newest cast of ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’. All Burbank, California Lowes & Home Depot stores report they’re sold out of crowbars.