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Florida’s controversial ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill is expected to be signed into law by Governor Ron DeSantis. Mississippi is considering related legislation, ‘Don’t Put ‘Homosexual’ On Spelling Tests’.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview “I have the best advice for women…get your f**king ass up and work”. Kardashian was dragged on social media, but critics admit no one has gotten their ass up as much as Kim Kardashian.

Photographers captured Kourtney Kardashian kissing & grinding on top of fiance Travis Barker on a California beach. Kourtney said she was just taking her sister’s advice by getting her ass up and getting to work.

NFL Hall Of Famer Deion Sanders had two of his toes amputated. He was considering having a third toe removed so the ones remaining would be a Prime number.

Exports of Nintendo gaming consoles to Russia have been stopped, citing the thousands of deaths suffered by Mario in his war with Bowser.

Tiger Woods’ daughter Sam introduced him at his World Golf Hall Of Fame induction, saying she “inducted (him) to the Dad Hall Of Fame a long time ago.” His induction to the Husband Hall Of Fame, however, remains in doubt.

Elon Musk and partner Grimes welcomed a second child, a girl born via surrogate, Exa Dark Siderael. She and older brother X Æ A-XII, are now officially The Hardest Kids To Buy Personalized Souvenirs For At Disney World.

Courteney Cox claims she doesn’t remember the 10 years she spent on sitcom ‘Friends‘. Ironically, everyone who’s seen it is trying to forget the years she spent on ‘Cougar Town‘.

Congress’ new budget includes NASA funding for a new commercial space station in low-earth orbit. Or, as regular people will come to know it, the world’s highest Starbucks.

‘Black Panther’ director Ryan Coogler was mistakenly arrested as a suspected robber for passing a note requesting a $12,000 cash withdrawal at an Atlanta bank. Coogler was released, but vowed to close his T’Checking account at Wakanda Savings & Loan.

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Colorado’s Marshall wildfire has expanded to 6,200 acres, leading to the posthumous rerelease of little-known John Denver song ‘Rocky Mountain Hot‘.

Speculation is growing that Ghislaine Maxwell will try to cut a deal with prosecutors seeking to charge other acquaintances of Jeffrey Epstein, so long as she doesn’t leave them hanging.

New York Governor Kathy Hochul declared racism a “public health emergency”, but denied the request of thousands of New York bigots trying to claim disability benefits for the disease they’re spreading.

A new analysis finds the J&J COVID vaccine is 85% effective preventing hospitalization, and 15% effective making people lying in ICUs wish they’d gotten Moderna or Pfizer instead.

Singer Grimes posted a baby-bump photo, sparking rumors that she’s once again pregnant after another test launch of Elon Musk’s rocket.

Heather Rae Young, new wife of ‘Flip Or Flop’ star Tarek El Moussa, documented her fertility process on social media. El Moussa is taking a brief break from fixer-uppers to focus on knock-er-uppers.

Orlini Kaipara of New Zealand’s News Channel 3 became the first-ever network news anchor with face tattoos – securing the milestone after Mike Tyson failed an audition to take over for Chris Cuomo on CNN.

The people of Spain mark the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve with a tradition of eating 12 grapes for good luck – though others just chug wine, the equivalent of a couple hundred grapes.

Male officials of Jordan’s Parliament brawled after a session debating amending the constitution to explicitly recognize female citizens. No one was hurt, because they threw punches like girls.

Blackberry devices will lose call, data & text functionality as of January 4th. So if 2002 calls to ask for its cell phone back, you won’t be able to answer it.

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Domestic homicide is up 138% this year in Philadelphia. Philly – where families that stay together, slay together.

Apple fired Antonio Garcia, author of ‘Chaos Monkeys‘, after 2,000 employees signed a petition protesting the sexist & racist views expressed in his book. He expressed disappointment, saying he’d just finished a follow-up, ‘Empowerment Monkeys‘.

Ohio announced a million-dollar-a-week lottery prize to encourage residents to get a COVID vaccine. The winners are unknown, but so far 200 losers have died of overdoses.

Amazon Studios is spending $465 million dollars for a single-season of its ‘Lord of the Rings’ tv series. Studio chief Jennifer Salke defended the spending, saying the dragons wouldn’t work for less than $2 million per show.

Grimes said she suffered a panic attack several days after appearing on Saturday Night Live, when she forgot how to spell X Æ A-12 at the pediatrician’s office.

Actress Gal Gadot posted a Tweet calling for peace between Israel and Palestine, but disabled comments after hundreds of angry replies, including “Shut up, Diana” – posted by arch-nemesis Cheetah.

Chick-fil-A is facing a sauce shortage. It’s so bad, customers are encouraging employees to spit in it to stretch what they have.

American Airlines is returning meal service to domestic first-class flights over 1,500 miles. Spirit Airlines is returning its meal service, a single 6-foot party sub that gets passed around the cabin, with every passenger taking a bite if they want to.

University of South Carolina’s president resigned after plagiarizing his commencement speech, and congratulating graduates of the “University of California”. He then invited graduates to collect their diplomas, bong hits and jello shots.

NBC announced ‘This Is Us’ will end after season 6, leading husbands and boyfriends everywhere to delightedly shout ‘This Is Over’.

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Costco will ration meat purchases – each shopper is limited to two 50-packs of steaks.

An estimated 1 in 5 Wendy’s restaurants have taken burgers off the menu, leading to more customers asking Where’s The Beef? than in 1984.

  • The shortage is so bad, The Baconator said “I have no son.”

A shopper wore a Ku Klux Klan hood to a grocery store. He figured since it was Whole Foods it was probably okay.

Elon Musk wondered if a Mario Kart-type game could be launched on Tesla video screens so people could play while behind the wheel. The National Highway Traffic Safety Association condemned it, saying it would lead to countless banana-peel related deaths.

People are wondering how to pronounce the name – ‘X AE A-12’  – of Musk’s new baby with singer Grimes. So for now they’re just saying L’il Douche.

Kylie Jenner bought a vacant lot in Hidden Hills, California for $15 million. It’s the second-most valuable vacant lot in the state, next to the one in her skull.

A 5-year-old Utah boy driving an SUV was pulled over, and told cops he was headed to California to buy a Lamborghini. The boy’s name was withheld, but said his occuupation was “aspiring rapper”.

J. Crew declared bankruptcy, then declared “it’s Madras shorts season!”

A new study in journal Nature Communications claims there’s evidence of ancient rivers on Mars. The evidence is topless Martians in inner tubes drinking Miller Lite.

The Scripps Research Institute and Stanford Medicine are analyzing Fitbit data to predict coronavirus outbreaks. They say early stage illness is predicted by elevated heart rates, and later-stage illness is predicted by no heart rate.

 

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Cherry Hill East High School apologized for its “insensitive” prom tickets which read “party like it’s 1776”, since the event happens at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. African American students found the phrase offensive; prom organizers claim they weren’t thinking of slavery, just about how many 17-year-olds got pregnant in 1776.

A Lyft driver kicked a gay male couple out of his vehicle after they kissed each other. The driver explained  he needed the space for a hotter gay female couple that wanted to kiss.

Government statistics released this week show declining birth rates in every age group of U.S. women except one: women in their 40s. Experts attribute the rise in 40+ women having babies to improved fertility treatments, lower standards, and cheaper alcohol.

A mountain lion fatally attacked a bicyclist on a remote trail in North Bend, Washington. Police shot and killed the lion as it fled on the bicycle.

A double amputee with no legs reached the summit of Mount Everest. Asked by his sherpa if his feet were cold, he replied “probably”.

Some residents of Hawaii’s Big Island had to be airlifted as lava from the Kilauea volcano advanced at rates of 300 to 400 yards per hour. So far the lava flows have destroyed 26 homes and interrupted countless pizza deliveries.

Singing star Grimes, currently dating Tesla founder and billionaire Elon Musk, is changing her first name to ‘c’, the symbol for the speed of light — and, as in, “let’s c how much money this guy will spend on me.”

Jonathan Oddi, the man arrested for entering Trump Doral Golf Club, shooting at a chandelier and exchanging gunfire with officers, was a bodybuilder and porn performer. He’s believed to be the first porn actor not welcome at a Trump Property.

A woman who left behind a cooler containing 100 ounces of her breast milk on a United flight from Florida to New Jersey was thrilled to hear that it was recovered by a flight attendant who delivered it to her house. “Here’s your 40 ounces of breast milk” he said, adding “a lot of people bought white russians on the flight after yours.”

A new World Health Organization report claims that exercising in polluted areas could be bad for your health – the report followed swimmers and aquacizers who worked out daily in the YMCA pool after kids pissed in it.

A deaf couple traveling on Delta Airlines with a Great Dane service dog got in a shoving match with a couple who complained the dog was too big, and who allegedly punched it. The couple tried telling their dog to heel, but it didn’t understand sign language.