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A hospital director in Doylestown, Pennsylvania was charged with stealing $600,000 from a charity account. She drew suspicion when Make-A-Wish families would make their wish, then she’d tell them to make a cheaper one.

A man jumped in to the World Showcase Lagoon at EPCOT Center in order to win a $6,000 bet from his buddies. He was escorted out by security, and is still $2,000 short of paying for his kids Breakfast With Mickey and souvenirs.

In a social media post, Donald Trump compared himself to Nelson Mandela. Presumably because Mandela sought to end apartheid, and Trump & his father applied its principles to real estate rentals.

Seth Rogen’s wife Lauren Miller Rogen revealed she’d undergone surgery to treat a brain aneurysm. That’s the bad news; the good news is the surgery was successful, and she didn’t have to go further than Seth’s nightstand to find recuperative weed.

An 82-year-old Korean man suffered a heart attack after choking on san-nakji, raw octopus served while still alive. They won’t say if he lived, just that seven EMTs each grabbed one leg before pulling the other one out of his mouth.

Houston airport grounded all flights after a private jet departed “without permission” and collided with another jet. Houston is reconsidering the use of four-way Stop signs to guide traffic at runway intersections.

Bud Light is now the Official Beer Of UFC. All weight class champions must now choose to defend their title against the top-ranked contender, or a transgender influencer.

Richard Roundtree, star of ‘Shaft’, passed away at 81. He was remembered as a baaaad motherf-, before the pastor was told to shut his mouth, then said he was only eulogizing Shaft.

Britney Spears ‘The Woman In Me’ is already the biggest-selling celebrity memoir of all time, with 9 million copies ordered. It’s 288 pages long, and the word ‘Like’ starts 1,443 of its sentences.

A woman in England claims she found a cigarette butt in her child’s Happy Meal. A McDonald’s spokesperson apologized and offered free food, and the unsmoked loose cigarette that should have been in a British Happy Meal.

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Khloe Kardashian shared a photo of her cheek indentation following a melanoma tumor removal. Her cheek is being filled using cosmetic procedures, and the occasional NBA basketball player.

A Florida Amazon delivery worker was bitten by a venomous snake, but survived. The snake later died after a FedEx delivery worker dropped a 75-pound box labeled ‘FRAGILE’ on it.

Officials cite Taylor Swift’s call-to-action on National Voter Registration Day for over 13,000 new voters registered every 30 minutes. They also cite her influence for a record number of 18-year-old women posting diss tracks on YouTube about their congressmen.

Southern Baptists lost half a million members in the past year – at least 10 of whom say it wasn’t because of sexual molestation or being browbeaten for donations.

Cassidy Hutchinson, former assistant to White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, said she was groped by Rudy Giuliani on January 6th, 2021. As evidence, she offered the streaks of black hair dye on the seat of the pants she wore that day.

Leaders of the Navajo Nation may repeal the Native American tribe’s ban on same-sex marriage – saying it wouldn’t be the first time the tribe has benefitted from a big gamble.

Once again, McDonald’s is being sued by a customer who claims they suffered severe burns from scalding hot coffee. McDonald’s announced they’ll no longer allow hot coffee beverage substitutions in Happy Meals.

A family claims Google Maps caused their father to drive off a collapsed bridge in North Carolina, falling to his death. Defending the app, a Google spokesperson said “hey, he’s the one who wanted to avoid toll roads.”

Pauline Newman, a 96-year-old federal court judge, has been barred from hearing cases after concerns were raised about her mental fitness – and about her physical fitness after dislocating her shoulder lifting the gavel.

Sami Sheen – daughter of Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards – said she’s addicted to nicotine, and surgeons are requiring her to quit vaping before performing her desired breast enlargement surgery. Sami doesn’t see why her damaged lungs should keep her from getting a new set.

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Elon Musk announced he’d hired a woman to be the new CEO of Twitter for the two months until she quits.

A former Marine who choked a New York subway passenger to death will face a manslaughter charge. The Metropolitan Transit Authority that runs the subway is concerned this could lead to criminal charges against them for everyone who chokes on the stench of urine.

The Writers Guild of America strike is threatening to cancel the Tony Awards – meaning Broadway performers may not win trophies for performances in plays & musicals written fifty years ago.

One of two male escapees from a Philadelphia prison was arrested in the city, disguised in female Muslim apparel. He was captured without incident, except for his sister screaming that she wanted her hijab back.

A buxom woman appeared to give a lap dance to a man at a Philadelphia Phillies game. The team’s ticket office was bombarded with requests from other men wondering how they could get tickets in the Champagne Section.

ABC announced replacement hosts for Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes after the two were fired for their extramarital affair. Eva Pilgrim & DeMarco Morgan were chosen, after ABC execs concluded the two have absolutely zero romantic chemistry.

A Florida McDonald’s was found liable for second-degree burn injuries suffered by a girl after a hot McNugget from a Happy Meal fell on her leg. A jury concluded the restaurant did not provide safe handling instructions for Chicken McNuggets – including warnings that the product is hot, flavorless and probably shouldn’t be eaten.

A flower delivery service is incorporating AI to write poems on a card for Mother’s Day. Customers are warned to be very specific that the flowers are for Mother’s Day, so the poem doesn’t include “last night was amazing”.

Google Maps is rolling out Immersive View, so you can see full, multidimensional imagery and weather at all of the bathroom stops your wife & kids will make you take along the way.

Vanna White lost to Jeopardy! hosts Mayim Bialik and Ken Jennings during her first-ever time playing Wheel Of Fortune during a celebrity tournament. White admitted she had a hard time remembering letters without being able to touch them first.

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A Tennessee mother is accused of having sex with nine different underage boys in exchange for vape pens. Like many women, she was only interested in sex if you showered her with Juuls.

A 26-year-old Missouri teacher who had sex with one of her middle school students can no longer be prosecuted because she married him and they left the state. The D.A. and the principal did announce the middle schooler failed health class.

Viral video shows a bear in Northern California breaking into a home and eating leftover KFC it found on the kitchen counter. A different video shows the same bear breaking into an urgent care to treat itself for gastrointestinal issues.

A Utah father was arrested for ordering his 4-year-old son to shoot at police officers while at a McDonald’s drive-thru. A McDonald’s spokesperson said they immediately discontinued the Glock Happy Meal.

Many couples decided to marry on 2-22-22, a once-in-a lifetime date. In several years many men are expected to forget their anniversary anyway.

AT&T is shutting down their 3G wireless network. Now 2008 can no longer call and ask for its Nokia phone back.

Netflix plans to invest $45 million in French-language films to broaden their appeal in European markets. $44 million will be spent teaching Adam Sandler to speak French.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer team – who’d sued USA Soccer over unequal pay with the Men’s National Team – settled their equal-pay lawsuit with USA Soccer for $24 million .. about 80% of what they asked for.

Country singer Sam Hunt’s wife Hannah Fowler filed for divorce, despite being seven month’s pregnant with Hunt’s baby. She’s suing for primary custody, alimony & child support, and to never have to hear a corny song about the whole thing.

A Starbucks employee noticed a teen girl being harassed, so she brought a hot chocolate to her, telling her how to signal for help. The girl ended up being okay, but was pissed at being charged $8 for the hot chocolate she didn’t ask for.

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Today’s Google Doodle pays tribute to inventor Seiichi Miyake, who invented “tactile pavement” 52 years ago. The blocks with raised dots help the visually impaired navigate busy traffic areas, and help drunk people trip and fall in front of moving trains.

Apple introduced the new iPad Air, which is lighter than the $499 pile of cash you’ll need to pay for it.

Doctors reversed their recommendation to take daily low doses of aspirin to prevent heart attacks in older adults. The move was praised by older women who liked being able to say they still have a headache.

The U.S. government seized one million pounds of pork illegally shipped from China to a port in Newark, in an effort to prevent African swine fever, a disease known to kill pigs. Until further notice, all of New York & New Jersey is out of the pork lo mein.

A town outside of San Francisco is suing the owner of a Flintstones-inspired house, complete with dinosaur figurines from the show, calling it an “eyesore”. The home has been listed for sale for over $4 million, but isn’t getting much interest since it has no electricity or running water, and the toilets are pelican beaks.

A new study claims smoking just one cigarette a day during pregnancy doubles the risk of the baby’s sudden death, probably by house fire or by the baby choking on nicotine gum.

An 8-year-old homeless refugee boy won the New York State Scholastic Chess Championship in the Kindergarten-to-3rd grade division, then promptly hocked his trophy for a Happy Meal. 

Thomas Panek, a blind runner, finished the NYC half-marathon with the help of three guide dogs. Crowds alternately cheered Panek and died laughing at the dogs’ short shorts.

Lori Loughlin is reportedly out of the cast of ‘Fuller House’, leaving producers and writers frustrated over having to scrap a May/December same-sex wedding between Aunt Becky and Kimmy Gibler.

Jerome Kunkel, an 18-year-old unvaccinated student in Kentucky, is suing his school district for banning him from attendance during a chicken pox outbreak. Kunkel and his family are concerned the missed time will prevent his promotion to fifth grade.