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A Carnival Cruise ship rescued 27 Cuban migrants adrift on a wooden boat bound for the U.S. They were taken on board, given food, and examined by the medical team after all of them contracted norovirus 10 minutes after boarding the Carnival ship.

O.J. Simpson was cremated. The Juice is now pulp.

A judge is considering holding Donald Trump in contempt of court for violating gag orders during his hush money trial, then holding him in contempt of court for complaining about being found in contempt of court, and so on..

Actress Anne Hathaway said in the early 2000s she had to ‘make out’ with 10 different actors auditioning to co-star in a film with her as a way of testing ‘chemistry’. The part went to the straight guy.

April 27th is the Drug Enforcement Agency’s ‘National Takeback Day’. Parents are encouraged to turn in unused prescription medications at designated sites, but to be careful not to use undesignated sites manned by high school stoners.

Taylor Swift revealed what inspired the 31 songs on her new album The Tortured Poets Department – 1 catchy riff that was stuck in her head, and 30 feelings of hatred and betrayal by old boyfriends.

NASA received its first update in five months from Voyager 1, the most distant spacecraft from Earth, reading “so sorry, totally slammed…s’up?”

A Virginia mom won $1,000,000 from a Powerball ticket purchased by her adult son. She then asked him why he has money for lottery tickets but not rent.

An Austrian company wants to build submersible superyachts for billionaires. Billionaires are skeptical of the business plan, since an underwater craft has nowhere for topless supermodels to sunbathe.

A mommy influencer on TikTok pushes the “9 minute theory” – the most important 9 minutes of your child’s day. It’s about picking 9 minutes of movies or cartoons that kids will sit still for while parents have sex.

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Northeastern U.S. states are reporting a norovirus ‘stomach bug’ infection rate of 15% of the total population. It’s so bad, people are boarding Carnival Cruises to try and escape it.

A Florida man had 150 live bugs removed from his nostrils and sinuses, that he says he didn’t know were there. Although when he blew his nose the handkerchief would walk away when he set it down.

A Pennsylavnia man was convicted of his 12th DUI. He’s been given a star on the Field Sobriety Test Straight Line Walk Of Fame.

Makers of home pregnancy tests are introducing new menopause tests. They’re really just thermometers to see how high the hot flashes are.

Elon Musk said the human patient with a Neuralink brain implant can control a computer mouse with his mind. The patient used it to type the message “get.. this ..f*cking.. thing… out… of… my… brain…”

AT&T customers experienced a massive cell phone outage early this morning – forcing many of them to visit their parents & grandparents for the first time in years to borrow their land line.

Google updated the sign-in page for user accounts, making it easier across a variety of devices to log on and give them information to sell.

A new study finds 1 in 4 college students make less than their counterparts with only a high school degree. They didn’t get more specific, only to say the college rhymes with Muniversity of Schmoenix.

American casinos won $66.5 billion in 2023, the best year ever. “We’re due!” said compulsive gamblers.

A woman claims her family suffered food poisoning after eating a cake that her 8-year-old daughter made in an Easy Bake Oven. The family recovered, but the child is devastated by her parents’ Yelp! reviews.

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Charlotte, a stingray at a North Carolina aquarium, is reportedly expecting a “miracle” birth, since no male stingrays are present in her tank. However, Maury Povich in scuba gear just announced to a tiger shark “you…ARE the father!”

Cunard Cruise Lines’ Queen Victoria reported 154 passengers and crew sick with severe vomiting and diarrhea – overloading Queen Victoria’s thrones.

Amazon Prime Video will air an exclusive NFL playoff game next season, requiring a Prime Video subscription to watch. NFL fans are furious, except for fans of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers, who are saving their energy.

A new study finds a majority of parents talk or text with their adult children several times every week to see how they’re doing, and to see when they’ll get back the money they loaned them.

Jennifer Lopez is reportedly hinting at her retirement from music. This, following the retirement of her vocal cords in 2011.

The Centers For Disease Control plans to drop 5-day COVID isolation guidelines, provided a patient has mild & improving symptoms, is fever-free for 24 hours, or is dead.

A pet cat is being blamed for the first diagnosed case of bubonic plague in a human since 2015. The person is being treated, but the cat is asking for them to be euthanized.

The 49ers/Chiefs Super Bowl drew 123 million viewers – the highest since the Moon Landing. NASA announced plans to resume moon missions with the upcoming launch of Apollo Swift.

A California couple whose gender-reveal pyrotechnics caused a wildfire that killed a firefighter have pleaded guilty to their crimes. At sentencing, the judge popped a large balloon revealing a note reading “It’s One Year In Prison For Involuntary Manslaughter!”

A single-engine plane near Buffalo had its door fly off mid-flight. It landed safely and was welcomed into the Alaska Airlines commuter fleet.

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A woman who’d just had her eyelashes done was attacked by the beautician’s pet chihuahua, who tore off the woman’s eyelid. The victim said it happened quickly, in what would have been the blink of an eye.

A judge in Dr Dre’s divorce case just declared Dre officially single – or, as it’s known in legal terminology, Pimp.

The largest-ever peer-reviewed study of food-induced inflammation was just completed, after researchers were able to acquire 2,000 buckets of KFC.

A same-sex female couple at Pennridge High School in Pennsylvania became the first in the state to be crowned as two prom queens – though their titles are being contested by the gay male couple that finished second.

Ticks carrying Lyme disease have been found on California beaches. They differ from East Coast woodland ticks because of their four-legged board shorts.

Two U.S. passengers on the Celebrity Millenium – the first major sea cruise since the pandemic shut down the cruise industry – were put in isolation after their norovirus vomit tested positive for COVID-19.

CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin returned to the network, following an 8 month suspension for masturbating during a Zoom call with other journalists. Toobin will soon take a brief paternity leave once his pregnant mouse pad gives birth.

E! aired the series finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, marking the last you’ll see of them for a couple minutes.

The Consumer Price Index rose by the highest margins since the Great Recession. It’s so severe, Atlantic City hookers raised prices 50%, to $7.50.

Donald Trump used the Department of Justice to seize information from Congressional Democrat’s iPhones because he suspected they were leaking sensitive information – and because he thought there may be pics of their wives or girlfrends.

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The Centers for Disease Control is recommending older Americans stay home whenever possible to keep from catching coronavirus. Netflix reportedly paid $80 million to acquire one year’s worth of broadcast rights to ‘Matlock’.

The NBA issued a coronavirus memo to teams saying they should prepare to play games without fans. NBA players wanting to know what it’s like playing in front of no fans are asking WNBA players.

Melania Trump criticized those who made fun of her posting photos overseeing the new White House tennis pavilion. She’s moved on to overseeing hiring the new White House tennis pro, via a series of interviews in her bedroom.

Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham recognized International Women’s Day by posting a photo of herself during the birth of her son in January. She said it was the most challenging and amazing thing she’s ever done – losing ten pounds in a day.

IKEA, which closed all 30 of its stores in China amidst the coronavirus outbreak, reopened 14 of them and debuted a new slogan: “If the virus doesn’t kill you, neither will assembling a dresser.”

Cruise passengers stuck on the Carnival Panorama for an extra day finally disembarked in Long Beach. They said the extra time was a minor inconvenience, and that they stayed entertained watching reigning cruise champion norovirus battle coronavirus.

Spring Break destinations popular with college students are said to be monitoring the spread of viral disease, although some people are happy the herpes virus will have some company this year.

Harvey Weinstein, imprisoned at Rikers Island awaiting sentencing for a rape conviction, reportedly hit his head in a fall. Weinstein is not permitted to use a walker, or a stunt double

XFL officials said game attendance is holding steady – and by that they mean all of the players are still showing up.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence will not attend the Congressional St. Patrick’s Day lunch, the first time since its inception that neither the president or vice-president will attend. A White House spokesman cited event host Nancy Pelosi’s impeachment actions, and the absence of Shamrock Shakes on the menu.

 

 

 

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Melania Trump invited Joshua Trump, an 11-year-old from Wilmington, Delaware who claims he’s been bullied because of his last name, to attend the State of the Union address. “Hey, whatever gets me out of Wilmington, Delaware” said Joshua.

  • Joshua fell asleep at the State of the Union, and awoke to find that he’d gotten $5 million in donations to run for a Delaware congressional seat as a Democrat.

President Trump said he’ll build a “human wall” if necessary on the Southern U.S. border — adding he’s encouraged by the flood of applications already received from Guatemalan immigrants seeking to be human bricks.

A North Carolina college student living in an off-campus apartment thought her home was haunted by ghosts, but then found a 30-year-old man in her closet wearing her clothes. Police said it isn’t a first for a North Carolina man wearing women’s clothing to stay in the closet.

New York Giants QB Eli Manning and wife Abby welcomed their fourth child, Charlie, just after midnight on Super Bowl Sunday. The baby would have arrived late Saturday, but Manning let the clock run a full 35 seconds before changing the play to Big Push.

The Los Angeles Dodgers finally revealed that a 79-year-old woman died after being struck by a foul ball at Dodger Stadium during a game last August. Paramedics were credited with a blown save.

In NHL action, the San Jose Sharks defeated the Winnipeg Jets in their annual ‘Manitoba Side Story’ game.

Roger Alvarado, 22, was sentenced to six months in jail for breaking into Taylor Swift’s New York townhouse. Alvarado used the shower, slept in Swift’s bed, and co-wrote the diss track about him for Swift’s next album.

Richard Branson announced Virgin Voyages – an adults-only cruise line launching with new cruise ship Scarlet Lady in 2020. In keeping with the 21-and-over theme, the Scarlet Lady will take to the seas with a strain of norovirus first placed in a petri dish in 1998.

Kendall Jenner debuted new bangs. Her hair, not NBA player/boyfriends.

Google released Password Checkup, a new Chrome browser security extension. It tells you if your recent passwords have been detected in a data breach, and tells everyone whose password is PASSWORD or PASSWORD1 that they’re on their own.

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The LPGA announced a new dress code for its women golfers — banning ‘plunging necklines’ and ‘short skirts’ that don’t cover the player’s buttocks. The rules come just days after women competed in the U.S. Women’s Open at Trump National, a club where the women’s dress code requires plunging necklines and short skirts that don’t cover players’ buttocks.

Wild monkeys – specifically, feral macaques – are scaring residents in central Florida. The groups of monkeys are taking up residence in backyards and chasing visitors to a state park where the monkeys live in large numbers. Animal experts say that the monkeys are highly intelligent and adaptable, meaning they’ll probably want to leave Florida soon.

Traces of fecal coliform bacteria a.k.a. ‘poop bacteria’ were detected in drinks purchased at U.K. locations of McDonalds, Burger King and KFC. KFC responded by immediately shutting down ice machines at affected locations; McDonalds and Burger King responded by saying the drinks are still a lot safer than the hamburgers.

Diners at a Chipotle location in Dallas captured video of rodents in the restaurant. The store manager states that the rodents were removed; the rodents say they left after finding out that guacamole costs a little extra.

  • Following reports of norovirus at a Chipotle in Virginia, the chain offered a short buy one/get one promotion, called Diarrhea Loves Company.

Charlize Theron’s new action movie, Atomic Blonde, opens this month. The film will not be shown in North Korea, where Atomic Blonde is what they call Donald Trump.

OJ Simpson’s parole hearing received extensive coverage on broadcast and cable networks. A confused, angry President Trump was left to tweet about Fake News he thinks he saw on Golf Channel.

  • Simpson was granted parole. He thanked the board and said he can’t wait to get out and work with Leslie Nielsen again.

The LA Times reported that former Dean of Medicine at USC, Carmen Puliafito, used meth & ecstasy and partied with prostitutes while on the job. Puliafito, who resigned in 2016, awaits his cabinet appointment as President Trump’s Drug Czar.

‘Despacito’, just certified the most streamed song ever, has been banned by Malaysian Government Radio for being too sexually suggestive. In other news, John Denver’s Greatest Hits topped Malaysia’s Top 40 for the 2000th straight week.

Dallas, TX hired Ulysha Renee Hall, its first-ever female police chief. Accepting the position, Hall said “women add that special something to law enforcement that truly, truly calms the savage beasts.” As what that ‘special something’ was, Hall replied ‘guns’.

Donald Trump blasted Attorney General Jeff Sessions in a New York Times interview for recusing himself from the Russia investigation. Sessions told reporters he’s stay on the job, but that he’d give Trump something he knows nothing about, the silent treatment.