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Donald Trump issued a flurry of Presidential pardons, including former Illinois Governor and ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Rod Blagojevich.  The pardon was issued in January, but it took a month to figure out who Ron Blagoyawitz was.

McDonald’s is now offering their 50th Anniversary Shamrock Shake. Arby’s is offering the Shamrock Sandwich – it’s the usual mauve roast beef that turned green with age.

Walmart officials don’t yet know how their sales & profits will be impacted by the coronavirus. Although they do expect added expense relabeling most of their products ‘Made In The Good Part of China’.

Larry Tesler, the Apple employee who invented Cut/Copy/Paste commands, was Deleted at age 74 after a brief illness. [Story h/t to Guy S.]

A Pennsylvania man who fled the scene of a hit-and-run accident on foot was arrested after being attacked by a coyote. The Chief of Police issued a medal of commendation to the Coyote for catching the Road-Runner.

Johnny Depp alleges that ex-wife Amber Heard defecated on their bed after a fight. While fans take sides amidst the couple’s bitter split, no one is thinking to ask how the cleaning lady is doing.

Nearly all of the employees at Orlando’s religious theme park, Holy Land Experience, will lose their jobs this spring. A memo to staffers reads ‘The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away and will not payeth severance.”

A Scottish man claims to be in extreme pain after surgery to implant metal rods in his penis left him with a permanent erection. He also claims to have lost weight because he can’t go near the refrigerator without the magnets flying off and hitting it.

General Mills plans to revive flagging sales of breakfast cereal by going upscale, including charging up to $13/box. Although it’s unclear who wants to start their day with Caviar Cheerios.

Philadelphia is rolling out kiosks that let car owners pay for parking after entering their license plate. Drivers who can’t remember their license plate can simply press a button reading ‘Stolen Car’.

 

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A new Wallethub study claims Iowa is the best U.S. state to drive in. Mainly because no other place creates the same joy you get once you drive your way out of Iowa.

The Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump began in the U.S. Senate on Tuesday,  Trump watched from Davos, Switzerland, wondering when the court clerks finally bring in bag after bag of children’s letters to Santa Claus.

Queen Elizabeth reportedly considered stripping Prince Harry and Meghan Markle of their ‘Duke & Duchess of Sussex’ titles. Harry & Meghan reportedly considered stripping, too, now that they no longer receive public funds.

Health officials in Washington state confirmed the first U.S. case of the deadly Wuhan coronavirus, after someone ordered the cashew shrimp.

Two NYPD officers, a male and female, were disciplined for having sex in a precinct bathroom stall. “Police! Put your hands where I can’t see ’em!” said the female.

Finance website GOBankingRates claims $100,000 in retirement savings will last the longest for residents of Mississippi. They cite affordable housing, low taxes, and the happiness from everyone there calling you a billionaire.

Houston Astros owner Jim Crane said Astros players will publicly apologize at Spring Training for stealing pitching signs in 2018. Then they’ll go to their hotel rooms with groupies in tow and think long and hard about what they did.

Due to unusually cold temperatures in Florida, the National Weather Service issued a “falling iguana” warning, since iguanas may drop from trees because they’ve stopped moving. They also issued a rare “alligators wearing hats and mittens” warning.

It’s so cold in Florida, Donald Duck was spotted in Orlando shopping for pants.

Apple is set to introduce a new low-cost iPhone around March. It’s rumored to cost about $449 for the phone, and $399 to repair the screen after you drop it.

A global study states broadband Internet service in the U.S. is more expensive than 118 other countries. The cheapest high-speed Internet service is found in Syria, although tech support there is a challenge because the call centers keep blowing up.

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MoveHub’s International Hipster Index released the 25 Most Hipster-Friendly cities in the world. Three Florida cities – Orlando, Miami & Ft. Lauderdale – made the Top Ten, making them top cities for both hipsters and artificial hips.

Morgan Freeman has been accused of painfully slow, deliberate sexual harassment.

A study from the World Cancer Research Fund links obesity to 12 different types of cancer. “A dozen? You mean like donuts?” asked a mildly surprised obese person.

According to the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife, mussels off the coast of Seattle have tested positive for opioids. They’ve never seen such relaxed mussels.

Sally Anderson, a life coach in New Zealand, is being accused of ‘cultural appropriation’ for getting a native Maori chin tattoo, when she is not of Maori descent. Anderson, who is married to a Maori, says it’s an homage to Maori culture, but critics say the tattoo clearly reads ‘Dave Matthews Band’.

The Centers for Disease Control reports that tick-borne illness is rising. Jennifer Slone, a librarian in Ohio, nearly died from ehrlichiosis, a bacterial infection from a tick bite. She says that she now tucks her pants in to her socks, her shirt in to to her pants, sprays herself with DEET, and doesn’t get much action on her Tinder profile.

Just 37% of those replying to a Gallup poll said President Trump’s administration has “excellent” or “good” ethical standards – the lowest total of any President in 40 years. Worse, the survey was of coal miners.

Three members of the NFL New York Giants equipment staff have been fired for involvement in a lawsuit pertaining to phony Eli Manning memorabilia. Manning himself is alleged to have emailed one of them in 2010 to find “2 helmets that can pass as game used”; but, as you might expect from Manning, the email was intercepted.

Amazon confirmed a Portland, Oregon woman’s report that one of their Amazon Echo personal assistant/speakers recorded a random conversation about ‘hardwood floors’ and emailed it to a friend. They explained that Alexa heard the woman say ‘hard wood’ and assumed the guy she was sleeping with would want to know.

An eight-person jury in in San Jose, California ordered Samsung to pay Apple $539 million for copying some of iPhone’s features. Apple CEO Tim Cook handed each of the jurors an envelope, telling them to ‘get themselves something nice’, before adding the rest of the money to the gigantic pile.

 

 

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1,069 dancing robots in China broke the Guinness world record for synchronized robot dancing. Once they finished, the robots went back to stealing good American jobs.

  • The robots’ parents are disappointed that they chose dancing over a more secure job like building iPads, but the robots’ girlfriends still believe in them.

A woman in Missouri donated more than 1,000 ounces of breast milk to Houston-area families impacted by Hurricane Harvey. She’s been inundated with questions from Dads asking how to get it into their wives’ breasts.

  • “No thanks, I’ll stick with water” said Houston’s homeless single men.

Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign memoir hits stores Tuesday, because Tuesdays are her lucky day of the week.

Disney World is set to reopen on Tuesday, just days after Hurricane Irma passed by Orlando, although some attractions will be closed. Mr. Toad remains shaken after an even wilder ride than he’s used to.

The New England Patriots are already replacing the newly-installed artificial turf at their home field, Gillette Stadium, after losing their first game of the 2017 season playing on it. Players complained that the field was too soft, and the coaching staff was unhappy with the microphones installed on the visitor’s sideline.

YouTube star PewDiePie is under fire for using the n-word while broadcasting a live stream of him while he played a video game. More troubling is that the game is chess.

Apple is expected to debut the first $1,000 iPhones on Tuesday; experts say you should expect to spend 2-3 months salary on an engagement ring or one of the new phones.

China has notified the World Trade Organization that it will ban the import of certain types of solid waste sent from the U.S. The waste includes scrap plastic, unsorted paper, and millions of copies of ‘Trump: The Art of the Deal’.

Miss North Dakota, 23 year-old Cara Mund, was crowned Miss America 2018 on Sunday night in Atlantic City. Mund plans to use the $50,000 scholarship to open a school for her fellow militia members back home.