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Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano erupted for the first time in two years, figuring if there’s ever a good time to spew more toxins into the air, it’s probably now.

Mark Wahlberg disappointed Australian fans at the grand opening of one of his F45 Fitness Gyms. Wahlberg spent a mere five minutes posing for pics at the new gym in Woolloomooloo, Sydney, before bidding everyone TooDooLooLoo.

An 18-year-old woman from Georgia was sentenced to four months in jail in the Cayman Islands for breaking COVID-19 protocols. Her parents appealed to Donald Trump for assistance, and are confident he’ll follow up, because she’s kinda hot.

The U.K. is in lockdown after a more transmissible, mutated, strain of coronavirus ravages the area. It’s so unpopular, instead of COVID-20, they’re calling it “Meghan”.

Following vaccination of healthcare workers, a CDC Advisory Panel recommends Americans 75 & older be next in line for vaccines. The panel is also warning their grandchildren to expect long, boring stories about it.

Apple may launch the Apple Car as early as next year. Pricing is not yet available, although interested buyers are being told to buy a case for it so the windshield doesn’t break when they hit the curb.

Ariana Grande is engaged to real estate broker Dalton Gomez. Grande plans to enter the studio to begin recording her next album about dumping him.

The new $900 billion government stimulus package reportedly contains $600 direct payments to Americans, billions in expanded unemployment benefits, and about $400 billion to the Russians hacking into the Treasury to take it.

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro raged against the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, saying if the vaccine turned someone into an alligator, Pfizer bears no legal liability. Pfizer said its vaccine does not turn people into alligators, because it would make the second vaccine dose really hard to administer.

New video emerged of a United Airlines passenger receiving CPR before dying of COVID-19 symptoms midflight, and of the the courageous flight attendant trying to push her cart over him to complete beverage service.

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United Airlines is rushing shipments of Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. The vaccine has now spent four days waiting for Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to move it.

The Pope appointed Archbishop Wilton Gregory the first African American Cardinal in the Catholic church. Gregory has spent more time in rooms full of sweaty, naked men than black Cardinal Ozzie Smith.

Vanderbilt University’ placekicker Sarah Fuller became the first woman to play in a Southeast Conference men’s football game. She would have tried a field goal in addition to kickoffs, but after two timeouts, Fuller was still “almost ready”.

Trixie, the largest whale shark at the Georgia Aquarium, died. The smaller whale sharks are expected to mourn, then eat her.

Website Mashed.com asked readers to name their favorite chain restaurant hamburger, and the winner was Five Guys, followed by In-N-Out. Checkers received a few votes from people who weighed in after being stabbed in the parking lot.

President-elect Joe Biden hurt his foot playing with his dog, and will need to wear a boot on his injured foot, in addition to the boot on his good foot to kick Trump out of the White House.

A report claims Iran’s top nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh was assassinated with a remote-control machine gun – the same one that’s sold out everywhere after being listed in the 2020 Al Qaeda Holiday Gift Guide.

David Prowse, who portrayed Darth Vader in three Star Wars films, died. Following the deaths of actors portraying Princess Leia, R2D2 & Chewbacca, he’s the fourth Death Star.

Joe Biden named an all-woman White House Communications Team. They’ve gotten together once and already aren’t speaking to each other.

The Denver Broncos lost 31-3 to the New Orleans Saints, in a game the Broncos played without any quarterbacks on the roster due to COVID-19. The New York Jets lost to Miami, dropping to 0-10 in a game where they were without any quarterbacks for the third month in a row.

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Apple Watches will soon receive Watch OS 7, with even more metrics to measure your overall health. After installation, the default health assessment is “not great”.

A reporter was accused of calling White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany a “lying bitch” – but the claim was disproved by the White House’s official transcript of the briefing. However, “lying bitch” does appear in the official transcript of just about every Oval Office conversation.

Pfizer and BioNTech will get a $1.95 billion order for COVID-19 vaccines from the U.S. Government. It’s $1 million to develop the vaccine, and the rest to cover lawsuits.

The State Department ordered China to close their consulate in Houston. Although it was really less of a consulate, and more of a place for Chinese guys to hang out and hear NBA stories from Yao Ming.

Kanye West claims he’s trying to divorce Kim Kardashian, and is seeking advice from someone who knows a lot about divorce – Kim Kardashian.

A FedEx driver was captured on a doorbell camera refusing to assist an 89-year-old man who had fallen on his porch. He did put a tracking number on him so his family could see where he ended up.

Walmart announced it will no longer open stores on Thanksgiving Day, and will instead designate a new day for doorbuster sales so customers can be trampled.

A new study claims three simple acts can stop individuals from transmitting COVID-19: 1) wearing masks; 2) maintaining distancing; and 3) dying from it.

A construction worker in Osaka, Japan was arrested for writing ‘unkopuuuun’ – which translates to “pyewwww poop” – in permanent marker on a public toilet seat. The judge did praise his courtesy, since you needed to put the seat down to read it.

A federal judge dismissed a lawsuit filed by vegans against Burger King, who they claimed were deceived because the chain’s Impossible Whoppers are grilled next to beef. The dismissal ups Burger King’s record in food quality lawsuits to 1 win and 2,000 losses.

 

 

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CNN declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party this Friday, citing the President’s continued attacks on freedom of the press. The party is seen as a time for reporters to mingle with administration officials, and to hear carolers sing some of the President’s seasonal favorites like “White Christmas” and “Blood and Soil”.

Melania Trump also declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party, saying she has a thing she booked over a year ago.

A New Hampshire doctor who refuses to use a computer lost her medical license, but continues to practice because she never got the email.

Victoria became the first Australian state to legalize euthanasia. Soon, terminally ill patients will be able to box a kangaroo to their death.

Bitcoin topped $11,000 for the first time, leading confused, cash-strapped seniors to turn the pockets of their church pants inside-out looking for one.

Matt Lauer was fired by NBC News after a report of sexual misconduct at the Sochi Winter Olympics. The news was reported by NBC’s Brian Williams, who filed a story that he witnessed the alleged misconduct, rescued the woman and then won a gold medal in men’s alpine ski jumping.

The United Kingdom will allow over-the-counter Viagra sales starting in the spring. The move is expected to create hundreds of new jobs as middle-aged men pay teenagers to go buy Viagra for them.

Marvel Studios released a new trailer for Avengers: Infinity War — depicting Iron Man, Hulk, Black Panther, Captain America, Black Widow and about 20 other Marvel heroes checking their watches 90 minutes into Justice League.

ESPN is laying off 150 more employees, none of whom are Rex Ryan or Randy Moss. Come on, man!

92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury stirred controversy when she said that women must sometimes “take the blame” for men’s sexual harassment. Many reacted in disbelief that Lansbury was actually pretty hot-looking 70 years ago.