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Meghan Markle’s father underwent heart surgery, ruling out his walking her down the aisle at Saturday’s Royal Wedding. But there’s still a small chance he could wheel her down the aisle.

Disney World announced they’re now serving alcohol at every table-service restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Building on the success of their popular children’s breakfasts with Disney characters, adult men can now pay a fixed price to see if they can get a Princess hammered enough to go home with them.

20th Century Fox named Suzanne Scott its first-ever woman CEO, overseeing channels such as Fox News and Fox Business Network. Scott starts after a two-week suspension she imposed on herself for inappropriately touching the CEO.

President Trump called Scott to congratulate her on having such a nice ass.

The White House announced that President Trump donated his quarterly salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs – this after recently filed ethics forms disclosed he’d donated the prior quarter’s salary to the Department of Porn Star Affairs.

AT&T and Verizon will sell the $1300 RED Hydrogen One smartphone later this year. According to RED, the phone has a display capable of displaying “4-view holographic content.” Now owners of the phone can tell their Tinder hookups ‘you look nothing like your holograph.’

Princess Cruises is introducing the Sky Princess, a new ship that will sail the Caribbean with luxury cabins that accommodate up to five people — and luxury toilets that will let three of them with norovirus vomit at the same time.

Nev Schulman, host of MTV’s ‘Catfish’, is suspended while being investigated on charges of sexual misconduct by women who are, like, totally real and totally, like, not guys.

A Washington state Court of Appeals ruled that crime scene photos from Kurt Cobain’s death will not be released publicly. The decision regarding the photos was welcomed by Cobain’s widow, Courtney Love, who’s excited to start selling them.

According to the April edition of NOAA’s Global Climate Report, Earth has recorded warmer-than-average temperatures for 400 straight months. However, the findings are disputed by your wife standing in front of the thermostat.

Recent tax law changes limiting deductible expenses are causing small businesses to cut back on entertainment outings for clients. Some businesses have stopped taking clients to expensive dinners and sporting events, and are killing the buzz at strip clubs by taking ten minutes to negotiate rates before buying clients’ lap dances.

A Delta Airlines flight crew postponing a takeoff due to a medical emergency asked if a doctor was on board, and were surprised to learn Surgeon General Jerome Adams was on board. Adams tweeted that he successfully treated the patient, which involved telling the ill passenger to stop eating the sandwich Delta gave them.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney hosted a party for city residents 100 years of age or older. 110 centenarians came to the party, and 107 made it until the end.

 

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First Lady Melania Trump underwent surgery Monday to treat a benign issue with her kidney.  While there, she’s expected to consult with physicians regarding a treatment plan for the 250-pound malignant tumor that periodically appears on her side.

Melania is expected to remain hospitalized for several days, but was still able to announce the promotion of three 25-year-old former college football players to her personal Secret Service detail.

Researchers at UCLA say they’ve transplanted “memories” from one snail to another by transferring RNA. Animal rights activists condemned the procedure, since the memories were from a snail suffering PTSD acquired during Operation Slow-Moving Storm.

The Supreme Court struck a victory for states rights, voting 6-3 to allow individual states to generate revenue via sports gambling — delighting gamblers who had taken the Over at 5.5.

Google is changing the name of its cloud storage service from Google Drive to Google One, so now you can save files you’ll probably never use or see again to Google One.

According to the Blue Cross/Blue Shield Association, diagnoses of ‘major depression’ have increased by 33 percent in the last five years. Although further review of the data found most of those depression diagnoses were from mid-November 2016 on.

Meghan Markle’s 71-year-old father will not be attending the Royal Wedding on Saturday. He cites embarrassment over photos he’d commissioned to familiarize himself with British customs, and not the tickets he won to a Kenny Chesney concert on the same day.

Consulting company Korn Ferry estimates that the average starting salary for a four-year college graduate in 2018 is $50,390. Or, if you exclude salaries from graduates of the University of Phoenix, it’s $75,390.

Another Southwest Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing after the cabin lost pressure, part of Southwest’s new Wanna Get Away On A Depressurized Flight? Fares.

Researchers fear a deadly new pig virus -porcine deltacoronavirus -can spread to humans. They remind everyone, especially farmers, to wear condoms.

A Salmonella outbreak linked to eggs has sickened five more people. The CDC states they’re having trouble quantifying egg-related illnesses caused by salmonella, now that Taco Bell serves breakfast.

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Matt Gaetz flipped off

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz posted a photo with a group of sixth graders, and a young girl is giving him the middle finger in the background. Her mother apologized, while the girl’s Political Action Committee has raised $2 million for her to run against Gaetz.

A 19-year-old UK girl was sentenced to 11 years in prison for stabbing her male partner while they had sex. Officials say they’ll now add this story to ‘perils of drunk driving’ when reviewing prom night safety.

Cinema subscription service Moviepass returned to its original one-movie-a-day value proposition, after briefly experimenting with a ‘four-movies-a-month, plus we pay you twenty bucks for sitting through I Feel Pretty’ offer.

Los Angeles-based Carmar Denim is selling Extreme Cut Out Jeans for $168. Finally, you can get into a girl’s pants just by looking at them.

  • “Is that a clitoris in your pants or are you just happy….wait, yep, it is I can see it from here.”

cutout jeans

The doors of a Brinks armored truck flew open on an interstate highway near Indianapolis, sending hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash spilling on to the highway. Some motorists stopped, but most said “no thanks, I’m still leaving Indianapolis”.

Twitter was hacked and requested that all users change their passwords. President Trump convened a staff meeting to determine if he’s up to Password2 or Password3.

Trump, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s comments about his reimbursement of Michael Cohen’s payments to Stormy Daniels, said Giuliani “needs to get his facts straight.” Although the point at which Trump lawyers get their facts straight is the time that they stop working for Trump.

Trump also said that the site and date of a summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been finalized, but he won’t say where it is because Gymboree doesn’t confirm events until the deposit check clears.

Meghan Markle’s father will walk her down the aisle for her wedding to Britain’s Prince Harry, following an evaluation by Buckingham Palace to determine if he was boring enough.

Scientists who deleted an enzyme called NAMPT in laboratory mice have made the mice “completely resistant” to obesity while still consuming a high-fat diet. The mice celebrated by returning to Chipotle for the first time in weeks.

  • The study did not elaborate on NAMPT, with scientists stating only that the ‘A’ stands for Arby’s.

 

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Russian President Vladimir Putin gave his annual state of the nation address, and shared an animated video of a new nuclear superweapon – supposedly unstoppable by current intercept systems – striking Florida. The Florida state legislature responded by allocating $100 million to train school teachers to shoot down nuclear missiles.

March 1st was National Peanut Butter Lovers Day, in case you were wondering why you didn’t hear from your single woman friends who own large dogs.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s girlfriend, Ricki Lander, gave birth to a baby last year, although Kraft is not the father. The team would not release the father’s name, but they know who he is after secretly videotaping him at Lander’s Lamaze practice.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development canceled their order for a $31,000 dining room set that had been ordered for Secretary Ben Carson’s office. Carson reportedly ordered a different set, which HUD will own free & clear after just 48 monthly payments to Rent A Center.

Reports surfaced of a shooting at Central Michigan University, which now happens so often in schools that it’s just the fourth-most-important story after the big Nor’Easter, the KFC gravy shortage, and Trump’s tweets about Alec Baldwin.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will extend invitations to 2,600 members of the public into the grounds of Windsor Castle for their wedding on May 19th – as 1,300 men prepare to face the question “Is THAT what you’re wearing?” with an intensity it’s never been asked before.

JCPenney announced that they’re cutting 360 jobs. Then their CEO presented a coupon that gave him another 20% off of headcount.

A report in medical journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery claims that close-up selfies increase the perceived size of your nose by up to 30%. Plastic surgeons advise moving the camera further from your face – advice that young women say is hard to do without the phone hitting the windshield of the car they’re driving.

A drunk New Jersey man blacked out during his Uber ride after a campus party at West Virginia University, and incurred a $1,600 fare because the driver traveled 300 miles to the man’s home in Gloucester, New Jersey. The passenger said it was “insane”, and the driver wasn’t thrilled at having to be in either West Virginia or New Jersey.

President Trump is planning to apply 25% tariffs on imported steel and 10% on aluminum — experts project it will become 15-20% more expensive when a Mississippi housewife finds her husband cheating, gets drunk on beer in aluminum cans and bashes in the steel on his pickup truck with an aluminum baseball bat.

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YouTube apologized for a widely-reported glitch in its search algorithm. When users entered the query “How to have..”, YouTube completed it with suggestions like “..sex with children.” Users who searched “How to have sex with children” were taken to the YouTube channel of ‘Roy Moore for Senate’.

The FBI reported a record number of background checks for gun purchases on Black Friday, although many buyers decided to skip the waiting period and buy Assault Weapon Gift Cards instead.

Lyft received approval to test self-driving cars on public roads in California, but only after regulators made them put mannequins of old Asian women behind the wheel, so human drivers will have someone to be angry at.

Arby’s announced a $2.4 Billion acquisition of Buffalo Wild Wings, then threatened to call off the deal when they found out blue cheese costs extra.

National massage chain Massage Envy is accused of 180 sexual assaults. Most all of the accusers are women, and a few men who mistakenly used the word “happy” during their session.

Conservative billionaires the Koch Brothers funded $600 Million of Meredith Publishing’s planned acquisition of Time, Inc. Time’s CEO assured employees that the Kochs’ views will not influence Time publications’ content; however, Sports Illustrated magazine has been told to rush work on February’s Pantsuit Issue.

Facebook is using artificial intelligence to detect suicidal posts before they’re reported by users’ friends. Facebook execs said the tool has been tested extensively and now knows to exclude weekend posts from Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills fans.

CBS cancelled Jeremy Piven’s freshman drama ‘Wisdom of the Crowd‘ after 13 episodes, proving the crowd really does have wisdom after all.

England’s Prince Harry is engaged to American actress Meghan Markle. The news was broken when Markle’s iCloud account was hacked, revealing dozens of nude selfies of her wearing only a tiara.

President Trump caused controversy when he met with Native American World War II veteran ‘Code Talkers’ to again call Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’. After the meeting, the decorated veterans called Melania Trump a Navajo name meaning “Woman who poses naked for money.”