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Walmart announced they’re hiring 50,000 more workers before May, 50 of whom are expected to still be there in June.

Drug overdose deaths reached a new annual record in 2021, caused by a surge in Fentanyl, and man-boosting Testofen in Nugenix Total T.

President Joe Biden demanded a faster reduction in gas prices. While at the gas station he also demanded three packs of wintergreen Life Savers and a bag of Werther’s Originals.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson is quitting after 13 years. Once a new CEO is confirmed, the Board Of Baristas will announce them by issuing a ceremonial cup with their name misspelled.

For the first time in the show’s history, ‘The Bachelor‘ Clayton Echard ended with every remaining Bachelorette either being dumped or rejecting him. In case you missed it, you can watch the same thing play out in every bar every Friday night.

Several NFL teams remain ‘in the mix’ for Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson. It’s believed the asking price is multiple first round picks to acquire Watson and his 20+ sexual misconduct lawsuits.

The International Court of Justice ordered Russia to cease its invasion of Ukraine. Moments later, Rudy Giuliani filed an appeal on Russia’s behalf.

A UFC fighter subdued a man who opened fire in a Houston sushi restaurant. If you want to see the surveillance footage, it’ll cost you $60 on pay per view this Saturday.

Marylin Miglin, the “Queen Of Makeovers” from Home Shopping Network, died after a stroke. Memorial contributions can be made in four easy payments.

Kanye West ripped Pete Davidson over Davidson’s joke about wanting to have sex with a baby. Davidson was also ripped by two dozen male open-mic comedians for stealing their premise.

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Starbucks shareholders rejected the proposed compensation of CEO Kevin Johnson, downgrading his venti-million-dollar bonus to tall, and writing Ken Johnston on it.

A judge ruled the trial of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin for the killing of George Floyd will remain in the city, saying they didn’t budget all that money on barricades and riot gear for nothing.

A new book, ‘Countdown‘, by New York doctor Shanna Swan, claims toxic chemicals have reduced male sperm counts by almost 60% since 1973. Swan cites a variety of chemicals, but specifically points out that Miller Lite was introduced in 1973.

Tanzania’s President John Magufuli, a COVID-19 skeptic who hadn’t procured any vaccines for his country, died of heart disease. Vice President Samia Suluhu Hassan was sworn in for her 30-day term until she dies of COVID-19.

An assistant district attorney in Bucks County, Pennsylvania was demoted for making GrubHub deliveries during work hours. He was caught after requesting a trial recess, then returning to the courtroom and asking jurors “who ordered the Quarter Pounder Value Meal?”

A 59-year-old Las Vegas billionaire is suing his 26-year-old ex-girlfriend, an Only Fans model, for using his properties to stage nude photos, including one wearing only a yarmulke from his son’s Bar Mitzvah. The model is currently dating his son.

Following multiple allegations of racist & homophobic language, ‘The Talk’ host Sharon Osbourne claims she’s receiving death threats. Asked who’s making them, Osbourne replied “p*ssy lickers, persian carpet c**ts, wontons, you name it”.

A lighting crew member died on the set of ABC’s ‘The Conners’. Right now, officials are only sure that he didn’t die of laughter.

Apple is planning massive privacy updates to iOS 14 this Spring, which may limit Facebook’s ability to get information from iPhone users. In response, Facebook is replacing Friend Requests with Stranger Requests.

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart got engaged to drag racer Leah Pruett. Stewart was quick to point out Pruett competes in top-fuel National Hot Rod Association events, not the other king of drag races.

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An author working undercover at a U.K. Amazon warehouse said the culture was like a prison, and that he found bottles of urine on shelves because workers weren’t allowed bathroom breaks. Amazon denied the claim, saying that the bottles of urine are top sellers.

Due to crashes of its website, the IRS extended the annual tax filing deadline from April 17th to April 18th. Thanks to the additional time, charities recorded an extra $1 Billion in fake donations.

Former First Lady and Bush family matriarch Barbara Bush died at age 92. Current First Lady Melania Trump mourned the loss of Bush, saying as a child in Slovenia, she cried when a berry bush died.

24-year-old Instagram ‘star’ Melina Roberge was sentenced to 8 years in an Australian prison for smuggling $21 million worth of cocaine. Roberge grew a large Instagram following posting bikini photos at exotic travel destinations, but told a judge she intends to ‘pivot’ to videos about self-defense and keeping romance alive with her new wife.

President Trump mocked the media and Stormy Daniels for releasing a sketch of a man Daniels claims threatened her and her daughter after her alleged affair with Trump. Daniels and her lawyer are offering a $100,000 reward for identifying him, and have received one promising lead from “David Dennison”.

Acting Secretary of State Mike Pompeo met in secret with North Korea’s Kim Jong Un last week to discuss a possible U.S./North Korea summit meeting. Pompeo took the trip that was to have been made by Rex Tillerson, until Tillerson found out there wasn’t a Morton’s steak house in Pyeongyang.

A Federal investigation is ongoing in New Jersey, where thieves are using glue-covered bottles on a string to steal mail from U.S. Postal Service collection boxes. The criminals steal and deposit checks, and send vulgar replies to fan mail sent to Bruce Springsteen and Jon Bon Jovi.

A Wells Fargo banking executive, Jennifer Riordan, died from her injuries when an engine exploded on her Southwest Airlines flight and broke the window next to her seat. Wells Fargo expressed their condolences, and will close the six fake checking accounts they created in her name.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson met with the two black men arrested in Philadelphia at a Starbucks location after they were denied use of the bathroom without buying anything. The men declined Johnson’s offer to go to the bathroom with him.

Counterfeit Kylie Jenner makeup seized at a raid in Los Angeles tested positive for bacteria and animal waste. Jenner said that animal waste is not an ingredient of her facial makeup, just her tanning spray.

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An Apple corporate memo warning employees against leaking confidential information was, itself, leaked. Apple said that in 2017, 29 employees were terminated for leaking information – 12 were arrested, and 17 factory workers returned to 7th grade.

Ryan Fish, a 23-year-old Connecticut substitute teacher, was arrested for starting a “classroom fight club”, where he encouraged fistfights between students while other students recorded on their phones and cheered. He was charged on multiple counts of endangering children before returning in time to ring the bell for 4th-period geometry.

A 20-year-old Florida mother was arrested and charged with letting her 2-year-old smoke meth and pot. The county sheriff’s office said people joked about the toddler’s ability to roll joints. The mother faces multiple drug and neglect charges. The child was awarded a scholarship to a Florida academy for gifted children.

Comcast announced that it will partner with Netflix to bundle Netflix access in cable tv packages. Comcast said they want the ability to provide all of Netflix’ hit content, and Netflix said they want Comcast’s help making it f*cking impossible for customers to cancel Netflix.

Founder and CEO Elon Musk promised that Tesla will soon make money — for other people besides him.

PGA golfer Kelly Kraft struck a flying bird with his tee shot on the par-3 14th hole at the RBC Heritage tournament. Kraft’s ball fell into a water hazard, forcing him to take a double bogey – but since the bird had yelled “dilly dilly” he was okay with hitting it.

Three male survivors of a Chilean Catholic church sex abuse scandal will meet with Pope Francis at the Vatican. The survivors are expected to refuse the Pontiff’s offers to join him on the sofa and have something to drink.

Singer Huey Lewis has cancelled all of his 2018 shows, saying that he’s suffered almost complete hearing loss. He’s hoping for a recovery, but told his audiologist if this is it, please let him know.

Ahead of Saturday’s induction ceremonies, Jon Bon Jovi made a surprise appearance at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on Friday – the biggest surprise since his band actually got voted in.

A multi-state E.coli outbreak has been traced to chopped romaine lettuce. Health officials said that if you have bagged chopped romaine lettuce, you should throw it out; adding that if you don’t know if the lettuce is romaine, you should throw it out – and then learn how to read.

Starbucks’ CEO apologized for the treatment of two black men, arrested at a Philadelphia location for being in the coffee shop and asking to use the restroom without ordering anything. Kevin Johnson said the actions toward black people are not consistent with the company’s values, but hey, have you tried our new BLONDE espresso drinks?

Gay rights activist and environmental attorney David Buckel died after setting himself on fire in a Brooklyn park in a “protest suicide”. He leaves behind one hell of a carbon footprint.