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Police arrested a woman at a Largo, Florida Burger King when she refused to leave the bathroom. When she did, cops found seven syringes containing clear liquid hidden in her vagina. The woman said she “f**ked up”, and also said she didn’t know how fertility injections worked.

Officials in Iowa are warning residents about canine brucellis, a disease in dogs that can be spread to humans through dogs reproductive fluids. Pet owners are reminded to wash their hands regularly or, if they’re really lonely in Iowa, to use a condom.

Prince Jackson – Michael Jackson’s eldest son – graduated with a business administration degree from Loyola Marymount University. He grabbed his diploma with one hand and his crotch with the other.

Demi Lovato announced she’s hired a new manager, Scooter Braun, who also manages Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande and others. No word on when or if she plans to ride her new Scooter.

Lauren Sanchez is reportedly pressuring billionaire boyfriend Jeff Bezos to make their public debut as a couple. Thanks to photos acquired by the National Inquirer, Bezos has already made his pubic debut.

Japan is testing its new 248mph bullet train. [photo below] Men are super excited to ride it, women need some time to get used to the idea.

bullet train

An Oregon woman accused McDonald’s of negligence when she asked an employee to fill her 4-year-old’s sippy cup, and an employee put scalding hot water in it. The daughter suffered minor burns and blisters, and was pissed it wasn’t the coffee she wanted.

Levels of CO2 exceeded 415 parts per million for the first time in modern human history, a record level of greenhouse gas. Citizens who want to make a difference are encouraged to plant a tree and watch it die.

Tinder announced they’re rolling out Tinder Lite for use in emerging overseas markets, where access to cellular data is limited, but which have pent-up demand for sexually transmitted disease.

Tinder also announced the introduction of Festival Mode, a way for men & women at events like Bonnaroo, Electric Daisy Carnival & Firefly to find matches – in hopes of getting both a backstage and a backdoor pass.

 

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Jennifer McIver, a Colorado Mom, shared a story on Facebook about her 3-year-old daughter locking herself in their new LG front-loading washing machine, and her 4-year-old son starting it. The daughter was unhurt, but they’re asking LG to put locks on washer doors. The son was rewarded for washing his sister on Delicate, but she came out with even bigger stains on her pants than when she went in.

A 27-year-old woman went into labor while riding Kilimanjaro Safaris at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. She delivered the baby shortly thereafter via FastPass, but two triplet siblings were told to expect at least a 90-minute wait.

Tinder – which doesn’t allow daters to send photos to each other – are conducting a test in Canada and Mexico where users can send personal Bitmoji to one another. Tinder users are busily figuring out how to create Bitmoji of their genitals and breasts.

Microsoft and Walmart announced a strategic partnership to take on Amazon in technology and retail. It’s called Let’s Spend Billions And Still Lose.

Do Thi Duc, a researcher in Berlin, studied 208 million public transactions made over Venmo during the past year, because most users never change the default setting that makes activity public. Nearly 3 million transactions involved pizza, and 10 million involved the weed emoji, so she assumed they were payments to landscapers.

Russian President Vladimir Putin presented U.S. President Donald Trump with a ceremonial World Cup soccer ball at a joint press conference. Trump tossed it to his wife, marking the first time Melania handled one of Trump’s balls since conceiving Barron.

Archaeologists in Jordan found what they claim is 14,000-year-old flatbread – which went uneaten because everyone at dinner was on the Paleo diet.

Netflix posted disappointing results, adding only 674,000 new subscribers in the second quarter, versus a forecast of 1.2 million. Shareholders rated it one star and skipped to the third quarter episode.

Fans were shocked as MTV snubbed Taylor Swift in all major categories of its Video Music Awards. Her fans stated their intent to stop watching music videos on MTV, in the event they ever start showing them again.

An airborne blob of lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano struck a lava-watching tour boat off the eastern coast of Hawaii’s big island, injuring 23 people but really giving them their money’s worth.

 

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Tinder announced that they’re officially testing ‘Tinder Places’ – the app’s new way of connecting people by sharing locations in common they visit. Tinder says the idea is to give users a mutual interest — or, a second mutual interest, besides getting laid as fast as possible.

Amazon is expanding Amazon Map Tracker to more customers. Map Tracker lets you follow package transit in realtime, from the moment it’s loaded by an underpaid warehouse packer, to a delivery contractor tossing it on your stoop from 15 feet away, to its theft by hoodie-clad punks.

Researchers used a submarine to find the wreck of the 300-year-old Spanish galleon ‘San Jose’ – with treasure worth $17 billion – off the coast of Colombia. Spain and Colombia are both claiming ownership of the treasure, and will settle it via an epic pirate sword fight.

A Federal Court judge ruled that President Trump cannot block accounts on Twitter. He has to just Mute them and deny it like everybody else.

Jared Kushner received a full U.S. security clearance, making him eligible to skip morning national security briefings.

President Trump cancelled the planned summit with North Korea, citing ‘anger and hostility’ from Kim Jong Un, and the weird taste of Big Macs he sampled from a McDonald’s near the meeting site in Singapore.

The National Football League announced a new policy requiring all on-field players, coaches and staff to stand during the pregame National Anthem. The league said it will fine offending players, and force them to listen to 20 minutes of Cris Collinsworth talking about them.

Two Ebola patients who fled a treatment center in the Congo each died within two days of escaping, but both said they were glad they got to see Avengers – Infinity War.

Ten different families combined to transport a dog found in Pennsylvania over 2,000 miles to his owners in Arizona who’d lost him a year earlier. The dog was happy to get home, but couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just let him book the direct flight he wanted.

Facebook is asking U.K. users to preemptively submit naked photos so Facebook can put them in a ‘Revenge Porn’ database to prevent them from appearing online. Facebook said the nudes will only be seen by a specially trained team of five auditors, who are currently swamped archiving naked pictures of Meghan Markle.

A judge in Kansas ordered the organizer of a cult to pay $8 million to a former member with no formal education, for forcing her to work a decade with no pay. A spokesperson for the cult said “Walmart is not a cult.”

 

 

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Meghan Markle’s father underwent heart surgery, ruling out his walking her down the aisle at Saturday’s Royal Wedding. But there’s still a small chance he could wheel her down the aisle.

Disney World announced they’re now serving alcohol at every table-service restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Building on the success of their popular children’s breakfasts with Disney characters, adult men can now pay a fixed price to see if they can get a Princess hammered enough to go home with them.

20th Century Fox named Suzanne Scott its first-ever woman CEO, overseeing channels such as Fox News and Fox Business Network. Scott starts after a two-week suspension she imposed on herself for inappropriately touching the CEO.

President Trump called Scott to congratulate her on having such a nice ass.

The White House announced that President Trump donated his quarterly salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs – this after recently filed ethics forms disclosed he’d donated the prior quarter’s salary to the Department of Porn Star Affairs.

AT&T and Verizon will sell the $1300 RED Hydrogen One smartphone later this year. According to RED, the phone has a display capable of displaying “4-view holographic content.” Now owners of the phone can tell their Tinder hookups ‘you look nothing like your holograph.’

Princess Cruises is introducing the Sky Princess, a new ship that will sail the Caribbean with luxury cabins that accommodate up to five people — and luxury toilets that will let three of them with norovirus vomit at the same time.

Nev Schulman, host of MTV’s ‘Catfish’, is suspended while being investigated on charges of sexual misconduct by women who are, like, totally real and totally, like, not guys.

A Washington state Court of Appeals ruled that crime scene photos from Kurt Cobain’s death will not be released publicly. The decision regarding the photos was welcomed by Cobain’s widow, Courtney Love, who’s excited to start selling them.

According to the April edition of NOAA’s Global Climate Report, Earth has recorded warmer-than-average temperatures for 400 straight months. However, the findings are disputed by your wife standing in front of the thermostat.

Recent tax law changes limiting deductible expenses are causing small businesses to cut back on entertainment outings for clients. Some businesses have stopped taking clients to expensive dinners and sporting events, and are killing the buzz at strip clubs by taking ten minutes to negotiate rates before buying clients’ lap dances.

A Delta Airlines flight crew postponing a takeoff due to a medical emergency asked if a doctor was on board, and were surprised to learn Surgeon General Jerome Adams was on board. Adams tweeted that he successfully treated the patient, which involved telling the ill passenger to stop eating the sandwich Delta gave them.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney hosted a party for city residents 100 years of age or older. 110 centenarians came to the party, and 107 made it until the end.

 

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An Indian woman in Maharashtra state survived after fighting off a tiger with a stick when the tiger attacked her goat. The woman suffered injuries to her head, legs, hands and waist — but was still able to make goat stew for dinner.

Mark Zuckerberg will testify before a U.S. House committee on April 11th. “Please Like and Share!” said the chairman of the committee.

Apple hired away John Giannandrea, Google’s head of artificial intelligence. Google is expected to backfill the vacancy by promoting the clone of himself Giannandrea created while he still worked there.

Taco Bell introduced three new items to its dollar menu.  Michelin responded by delaying the release of its 3-star restaurants for 2018.

Deerfield, Illinois voted to ban the possession, sale and manufacture of assault weapons, but accepted an offer from the NRA to provide Deerfield residents with free weekly round-trip bus rides to Chicago.

Fast-casual food chain Moe’s Southwest Grill announced that they’re looking for a new CTO – Chief Taco Officer.  Moe’s claims to be choosing finalists via a social media vote, but have also hired a search firm to recruit high-ranking executives with heart disease.

Saudi Arabia will fine couples $130,000 for snooping through each other’s text messages. The fines can be paid retroactively after billionaire sheiks murder one of their wives for cheating on them.

Fighter Canelo Alvarez was forced to cancel his middleweight title rematch with Gennady Golovkin, after Alvarez tested positive for banned substance Clenbuterol, which Alvarez said he ingested by eating a Mexican steak. In other news, Mexican bullfights have been canceled after the bulls tested positive for Clenbuterol.

Facebook is rewriting in ‘plain English’ its Terms Of Service and Data Use Policy. Users clicking through to see how Facebook uses their personal data will find a statement reading simply “we’re taking and selling all of it.”

Tinder is testing a new video feature, Tinder Loops, which the company said will give users a way to see what creeps and skanks look like when they’re moving.

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Match, parent company of Tinder, is suing its dating app competitor Bumble, saying that Bumble stole Tinder’s ‘swiping’ and ‘women make the first move’ ideas.  Before the matter goes to court, Match, Tinder & Bumble are going out for coffee with their gay friend Grindr to see if they can work things out.

Sex And The City actress Cynthia Nixon is challenging incumbent Andrew Cuomo for the Democratic nomination for Governor of New York State. She’s narrowed her campaign slogans down to “Nixon – A Name You Can Trust” or “I Was The Dumpy One, So You Know I’m Good At Politics”.

An Arizona pedestrian was struck and killed by a self-driving Uber. Worse, the car was texting.

Delta Airlines is apologizing for misrouting a puppy on a cross-country flight. The puppy departed Richmond, VA bound for Boise, ID but was sent to Las Vegas. The puppy was finally reunited with its owner, but was hungover and broke.

Here’s Ivanka Trump preparing for a romantic evening with Jared Kushner as they contemplate having a fourth child:

Ivanka lab photo

Police in Glendale, Wisconsin are looking for a woman who assaulted a McDonald’s employee for putting sausage on her breakfast sandwich instead of bacon. Wisconsin lawmakers responded by approving a bill to train McDonald’s employees in using handguns.

Women’s motorcycle land speed record holder Valerie Thompson survived when her streamlined bike crashed at 343mph. Thompson lost control of the bike when she passed her friend wearing a cute top and tried to flag her down to see where she got it.

Star Millie Bobby Brown tweeted support to a young boy after his sister posted on Twitter that none of his friends showed up to his Stranger Things themed birthday party.  Brown asked for an invite to next year’s party, while police worked to identify the bodies of the invitees who had been eaten by a demogorgon.

Walt Disney World reopened its “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction, after removing a scene depicting shackled women being auctioned as brides. The scene has been replaced with a ship being hijacked and the crew murdered, along with its renaming to “Somali Pirates of the Caribbean”.

Scientists in South Carolina found that a small daily dose of Viagra reduced the development of colorectal cancer in mice, and made the mice too busy to care about their colorectal cancer, anyway.

 

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Former NFL QB Johnny Manziel said he’s planning a comeback. Manziel said that he’s been on medication to treat bipolar disorder, which he hopes will give him the mental focus he needs to land an NFL roster spot and contract CTE.

President Trump is set to unveil his $1.5 trillion infrastructure plan – undocumented immigrants resealing the parking lots and cart paths at all of his golf courses and hotels.

Journalists at the Winter Olympics are abuzz over the ‘Bullet Man’ statues outside the press Olympic Village. The three statues are of nude men wearing smooth helmets obscuring their faces while they stand at attention. Vice President Mike Pence refused to look at the statues and ordered them into conversion therapy.

Southwest Airlines cancelled all 220 of its flights from Chicago Midway Airport on Sunday due to a shortage of de-icing fluid. A spokesperson said that due to the scary weather, nervous flyers drank it all.

Delta Airlines previewed its new crew uniforms from designer Zac Posen. Posen worked as a flight attendant and gate agent to ensure that the clothing remained comfortable while workers verbally abuse passengers and drag them off of aircraft.

Barack and Michelle Obama’s official portraits were unveiled at the Smithsonian. “Where are the solid gold lions?” asked an anonymous White House critic.

McDonald’s is ending its partnership with the International Olympic Committee and will no longer create Olympic-themed ads and promotions. McDonald’s and the IOC both cited the large expense of Olympic sponsorship, but declined comment about athletes’ accusations of unwelcome contact during past Olympics by Grimace.

Katie Couric angered Dutch Olympic fans by falsely claiming that Dutch dominance in speed skating is a result of residents skating on frozen canals to get around Amsterdam. She then angered Norwegians by claiming most businesspeople in Norway commute to work by ski jumping.

Tinder announced that they’re rolling out a new set of location-based features later this year. Speculation is that Tinder plans to move beyond being a hookup site and focus on being more of a social network, in order to expand in to the lucrative stalking and bullying markets.

For the third time in three weeks, a man has been reported masturbating in the New York City subway – highlighting the dangerous underreporting of men masturbating in the New York City subway.

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A French man was kicked off of a Costa Cruises ship after staging what cruise officials called a ‘mutiny’ – leading dozens of passengers in angry protests over cancelled stops in Madagascar and Mauritius. The story was reported by The Telegraph, who spoke exclusively to a talking parrot wearing a tri-corner hat who lives on the man’s shoulder.

  • Costa Cruises cancelled the stop in Madagascar due a bubonic plague outbreak. Carnival Cruises continued service there, saying it couldn’t be worse than their house-brand norovirus on board.

Researchers from Cambridge University concluded that sheep can recognize human faces, according to their study that followed the activity of several hundred lambs on FarmersOnly.com.

Schools, libraries and other public buildings are ramping up ‘Active Shooter Training Classes’ to teach people how to react in the event of a shooting. The classes are incredibly popular, except for students who interrupt the simulation to ask “is this going to be on the final?”

Independent science research group Berkeley Earth said that Delhi, India’s pollution is so bad, breathing the air there is the equivalent of smoking 44 cigarettes in a day – making Delhi the hot new vacation destination for frugal residents of the Philadelphia suburbs.

Actress Portia de Rossi detailed her alleged sexual harassment by film star Steven Seagal. de Rossi said that when she met with Seagal, he unzipped his leather pants. Seagal refuted her account, saying he only wears button-fly leather pants.

Comedian/director Louis C.K.’s film ‘I Love You Daddy’ will no longer be released after The New York Times published numerous allegations that Louis C.K. masturbated in front of female comedians. Also cancelled, the film’s sequel ‘I Don’t Love You Like That Daddy’.

Alabama Republican Roy Moore will remain on the ballot for the state’s special Senate election, despite claims from several women that they had sexual contact with Moore when they were in their teens and Moore was in his 30s.  Moore’s campaign also cancelled the release of a long-form election ad ‘I Love You Uncle Roy.’

Apple has promised a software fix to a confirmed iPhone X issue where the screen freezes in very cold temperatures. The bug was reported by penguins, who also complained that any one of their friends could access their phones via facial recognition.

The California chapter of the NAACP passed several resolutions at its state conference, including one to remove The Star Spangled Banner as national anthem. No replacement song was named, although members are rumored to be split between ‘You Don’t Have to be a Star (To Be In My Show) and ‘X Gon’ Give It To Ya’.

Tinder reported a 19% increase in year-over-year revenue thanks to Tinder Gold, its premium service. Male subscribers consider Tinder Gold, at $9.99/month, a real bargain, since many say they’re used to paying up to five times that much to have sex with a woman they don’t know.

 

 

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The Centers for Disease Control recorded over 2 million new cases of gonorrhea, syphilis & chlamydia in 2016 – the highest annual number ever recorded. The record-breaking year was celebrated with a lavish party at Tinder headquarters.

A male music teacher is being investigated for possibly giving grade school students wind instruments contaminated with his semen as part of the ‘Flutes Across the World’ music instruction program. Lab analysts are busy trying to separate the flutes contaminated with the instructor’s bodily fluid from the ones used by kids that like GoGurt.

Many eyes will be on NBA players as preseason games begin. Commissioner Adam Silver reminded teams NBA rules require that players stand for the National Anthem. However the league has yet to intervene to force NBA players to do things they don’t want to do, like play defense.

Filmmaker James Cameron has been slammed for his remarks calling this summer’s Wonder Woman movie a ‘step backward’ for women because of lead actress Gal Gadot’s beauty and form-fitting bustier costume. To back up his criticism, Cameron said all the female Na’vi in the Avatar sequels will get digital breast reductions and wear extra-large sweatshirts.

Justin Timberlake is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime performer. Janet Jackson may join him to reunite their pairing from the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction 14 years ago — but just to watch Timberlake while she breastfeeds her son.

As President Trump’s war of words with the Mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico continued, Vice President Mike Pence visited FEMA headquarters to ensure that Puerto Rico would be able to receive large shipments of thoughts and prayers.

The Wall Street Journal profiled a food executive who is starting a new form of yoga done while standing on a floating paddleboard. Her favorite position is the sun salute; her least favorite is drownward dog.

The stars of Sex and the City confirmed to tv’s ‘Extra’ that there will be no Sex and the City 3 movie. However, ‘Menopause in the City’ is still a possibility.

The Flatliners remake bombed at the box office over the weekend, leaving entertainment writers struggling for a word to describe it.

Actresses Kristen Stewart and Lupita Nyong’o are rumored to be in consideration for another Charlie’s Angels reboot. This time, the story focuses on three women spies that men aren’t all that interested in and vice-versa.