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Donald Trump survived separate attacks on his life – one from a 20-year-old with an AR-15 rifle, and an ongoing attack from the McDonald’s Corporation.

Following the assassination, Melania Trump issued a statement: “nevermind”, to her life insurance agent.

Speakers at this week’s Republican National Convention were announced, crushing the hopes of a first payday in 10 years for Kevin Sorbo and Scott Baio, who were left out.

Kid Rock posted an angry video to social media saying “you f*ck with Trump, you f*ck with me!”. So now you know two different ways to contract genital herpes.

The new Las Vegas Sphere’s exterior screen showed an emoji melting in the 120-degree heat, lending new meaning to the phrase ‘hot as balls’.

A National Association of Realtors report claims Montana has the highest housing prices in the U.S. – frustrating young grizzly bear couples who are packing up and moving to more affordable North Dakota.

A study presented at the Nutrition 2024 Conference finds diet soda & other ultraprocessed foods are even worse for humans than past studies indicated. Researchers presented the findings at the Nutrition 2024 Conference after organizers cancelled their appearance at the 2024 Arby’s Franchise Owners Meeting.

China’s Communist Party is meeting in Beijing to set the direction for the nation’s economy. So far, officials’ most popular direction appears to be “depressing”.

The Copa America soccer championship in Miami, won by Argentina over Colombia, was delayed over an hour as fans without tickets tried to force their way into the stadium. Security opened several outside gates for safety to keep fans from being crushed, and to sell some extra $15 beers.

Alec Baldwin’s involuntary manslaughter charge for a shooting death on set of the film Rust was dismissed. Production is set to resume, and in about a year the film will also be dismissed.

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Sales of barbecue grills are reportedly down because of an increase in meat prices. Violent incidents at backyard parties are reportedly up because of an increase in serving of grilled vegetables.

The Boston Celtics are for sale. The only bid so far has been rejected, from a group of investors who want to change the name to The Reigning NBA Champion Philadelphia 76ers.

A study finds eating ultra processed foods causes a 10% reduction in life span. Lunchables now come with a discount coupon from Trust & Will.

Redbox declared bankruptcy. They owe $1 billion in debt and another 500 million in late fees.

Theme parks Six Flags and Cedar Point are planning a multi-billion dollar merger, pending approval from the roving gangs of teen punks terrorizing families at each.

Hurricane Beryl strengthened to Category 5, as it approaches Jamaica. Jamaica’s President, paraphrasing Bob Marley, told residents “every little thing…is not gonna be alright”.

Atlantic City, New Jersey officials formed the Boardwalk Improvement Group. The group is tasked with making a safer, more enjoyable experience for visitors on the boardwalk, and better drug deals and prostitution under it.

Pennsylvania fireworks stores are seeing increased foot traffic in advance of July 4th. Pennsylvania emergency rooms are expected to see increased missing finger, hand & foot traffic as well.

Harvard research shows Lexapro, Paxil & Cymbalta antidepressants cause the most weight gain – leading to the happy introduction of Ozempic w/Lexapro.

A social media trend among air travelers is “raw dogging” – flying with no headphones, video entertainment, snacks, drinks or personal items. This is also what Spirit Airlines calls Premium Class.

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An 11-foot pet alligator was seized at a home in Hamburg, New York, from a man who claims he had an exotic animal license, but it expired in 2021. The seizure was preceded by the first-ever 911 call the county received from a house cat.

The Los Angeles Dodgers minor league affiliate Rancho Cucamunga Quakes changed their nickname to Chaquetas. Chaqueta translates to ‘jacket’ and is intended to honor mariachi jackets, but is also slang for masturbation. Either way, they think local teen boys will be big Chaqueta fans.

Vladimir Putin was reelected to a six-year term as Russian president in an election criticized as being neither free or fair. Polls opened at 7a.m., and Russian state television projected Putin as the winner at 7:01a.m.

A longevity researcher claims people who eat a cup of beans every day live four years longer – but have difficulty remaining close to people for long periods of time.

Britain’s Princess Kate faces public pressure to speak out, as she’s not addressed the public since her abdominal surgery. Brits are applying even more pressure on Meghan Markle to stay away.

The most comprehensive study yet links ultra-processed foods to damage in all of the human body’s systems. The study cited early-onset dementia in grade school students who only ate Lunchables at recess.

AI-generated on-air talent is reportedly being used to spread misinformation on news broadcasts in Venezuela. Although some viewers could tell they were fake because the woman giving the weather wore loose clothing and had small breasts.

United Airlines CEO is addressing customers following a series of separate incidents, including a wheel falling off, a jet spewing hydraulic fluid, an engine fire, and a jet skidding off the runway. The CEO reassured customers that the in-flight wifi is better than ever.

Caitlyn Jenner and Lamar Odom are launching a sports podcast, ‘Keeping Up With Sports’, to offer their takes on excellence in sports from the male and……………………………………………………………………………………………… female perspectives.

Donald Trump reportedly lacks the cash to secure a $454 million bond to appeal his civil financial fraud judgment in New York. Trump may be forced to liquidate assets and is privately soliciting bids on Trump Tower, Tiffany, Eric, Don Jr and his grandchildren.

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Fired former Twitter employees are suing Elon Musk for severance payments. These Ex-employees are demanding to be paid like X employees.

Rice Krispies Treats edged out Doritos as the nation’s most popular snack, with voters appreciating how much of them remained stuck to their teeth while they completed the survey.

A guest at the Venetian Las Vegas hotel was bit in the testicles by a scorpion in his bed. He was treated and released at a local hospital, and saved $300 off the going rate for being bit in the testicles in your Las Vegas hotel room.

Millennials are poised to become the richest population group in history, with $90 trillion in wealth expected to be transferred to them from prior generations..if they can just hang on in their boomer parents basements for a few more years.

Bowflex filed for bankruptcy, notifying a judge with a 30-minute infomercial he saw on tv at 12:30a.m.

A new satellite was launched into orbit, with a sole purpose to track methane gas – responsible for 30% of global warming. So far it’s produced a detailed map of cow pastures and Mexican restaurants.

Comedian Nick Swardson was deemed too intoxicated to perform and was escorted off stage 20 minutes in to his set at a Colorado theater. Then they brought out Rob Schneider and the crowd asked if Swardson could return.

Ultra-processed foods such as cereals and fizzy drinks have now been linked to 32 harmful health effects. Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes boxes are being updated with Tony The Tiger saying “they’re grrrrreat! for gaining weight!”

The family of porn star Emily Willis started a GoFundMe to raise $60,000 to cover her medical bills after an apparent drug overdose. They were going to start an OnlyFans but the nurses kept ruining the shots.

Viral video shows a turf war brawl outside of a Bangkok hotel between transgender prostitutes from Thailand and the Philippines. Police arrested dozens, who were then released in to the custody of TLC Network executives offering them a reality show.

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Two elementary school boys in Utah found a handgun in a snowbank, possibly discarded after a nearby domestic dispute. The boys had no problem holding everyone’s attention in Show & Tell, and easily found dates to the big school dance that weekend.

The average federal tax refund is down 8% so far this year, leading to an increase in sales of cheaper liquor.

Denver’s public school teachers went on strike Monday, saying their salaries are too low to keep up with both the city’s high cost of living, and legal-weed Colorado’s cost of living high.

The Cleveland Browns signed running back Kareem Hunt, who had been waived by the Kansas City Chiefs for physically abusing a woman. The Browns are kicking the tires, and hope tires are all Hunt kicks.

Cardi B mistakenly thanked Tom Petty for sending her congratulatory flowers after the Grammy Awards. Petty, who died in 2017, did not send them, but worked as hard as he could pushing them up.

Marlboro cigarette owner Altria invested $1.8 billion in cannabis company Cronos. They’re now busy casting the new Marlboro Man from a pool of white male douchebags with dreadlocks riding an electric scooter.

UCLA Medical Center developed an interactive pacifier to improve breathing for premature infants; it triggers a lullaby sung by a parent when they suck on it. It works well for the majority of babies, but some are spitting it out because their moms are lousy singers.

According to a new study, eating ultra-processed foods like sugary cereal shortens your life.  “Give me Fruity Pebbles AND give me death!” said a defiant child.

A powerful storm battered Hawai’i with 191mph winds and 60 foot waves. “Surfs up!” said people with flooded basements.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen postponed his scheduled Congressional testimony a third time – citing ‘post surgery medical needs.’ It’s unclear who ordered the surgery to remove Cohen’s tongue.

Chris Christie denied any ongoing rift with President Trump, saying Trump has offered him jobs including Secretary of Labor, Director of Homeland Security, Special Assistant & two ambassadorships…but that those aren’t jobs that he wanted. Trump has yet to offer him White House fry cook.

A gadget called LoveSync is seeking funding via Kickstarter. The LoveSync has two buttons, one for each partner to press, indicating their interest in sex. If both buttons are pressed, they can decide to have sex. No price has been set, but it’s light & compact enough to throw out the window.