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Taylor Swift did not attend the game between Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings – leading to Kelce’s mother complaining about having to sit and watch another NFL game with “a bunch of f***ing nobodies”.

Philadelphia police arrested a man for trafficking hundreds of grams of fentanyl and heroin. He planned to make one big score in Philly before opening a day care in New York City.

Pharmacists at CVS & Walgreens are going on strike in some areas, saying they’re overworked and understaffed because vaccines have been added to their regular prescription duties. The companies are considering hiring junkies to teach citizens how to give shots to themselves .

For the first time in more than three years, student loan borrowers are required to resume making payments, costing their disappointed parents about $5.8 billion per month.

Harvard professor Claudia Goldin won the Nobel Prize in Economics for her research into women’s employment and income – surprising other nominees, since she isn’t particularly one of the hotter-looking women in the office.

The largest Hindu temple in the world outside of India opened in Robbinsville, New Jersey. Millions of worshippers will make what’s now called ‘The Holy Pilgrimage To Exit 5B’.

NFL insiders are questioning the future of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick after they were routed at home 34-0 by the New Orleans Saints. Team owner Robert Kraft called an emergency session, with all massage therapists hands on deck.

A Long Island school bus driver fired after drinking on the job claimed not to know that White Claw contained alcohol. “Neither did we!” said less-than-credible 17-year-olds also caught drinking on the school bus.

A Louisiana high school honor student had her scholarship recommendation revoked and was removed as student council president after a video showed her twerking at a party. The girl, who is white, also stunned her black classmates by somehow twerking to ‘God Bless the USA’.

1,000 birds died flying in to the same glass building in Chicago. The ones that survived were lying on the ground cursing at Google Maps.

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A Memphis woman leaned in to a Burger King drive-thru window and fired gunshots because she thought the wait was too long. A Burger King spokesperson said they don’t expect gunshots over wait times, they typically draw gunfire because the fries are terrible.

Target’s new program lets parents recycle child car seats, cribs and strollers in exchange for coupons. So far they’ve received thousands of recyclable items, and hundreds of babies.

Experts warn coronavirus is still transmissable at warm-weather beach locations. They say COVID-19 can be contracted by handling rented beach chairs, in public showers & restrooms, or being bitten by unvaccinated sharks.

Visitors to Donald Trump’s new website, 45Office.com, can pay to receive a “personalized greeting” from Trump or his wife. Greetings from Melania in the nude cost more, nude greetings from Donald are standard.

Police are dealing with a juvenile crime wave along the Atlantic City boardwalk. They remain on the lookout for suspects looking to redeem over 2 million skee-ball tickets.

A Southwest Airlines pilot is accused of indecent exposure on a flight from Philadelphia to Orlando. He later resigned, but argues he was in the right because he’d turned off the fasten zipper sign.

Actress Thandiwe Newton – formerly Thandie – is now reclaiming her original name. Casting directors are catching on, sending emails reading “Hi Thandiwe – we gave the part to Zoe Saldana instead”.

Walgreens violated guidance by giving second doses of Pfizer COVID-19 vaccines four weeks after the first dose – not three – because it was easier. They agreed to adjust to three weeks, unless a customer has a Buy One Get One Free coupon, in which case they’ll give both doses at once.

A toxic wastewater reservoir in central Florida is at risk of collapse, releasing a wave of water that could destroy local fish & wildlife. They’re hoping to prevent the damage by pumping out 100 million gallons of toxic water per day, and transferring it to a local Dasani bottling plant.

Harvey Weinstein is appealing his rape conviction in New York, claiming witnesses were chosen to make him appear ‘loathsome’. Prosecutors disagree, saying they chose witnesses to make him appear ‘gross’.

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A 30-year-old Georgia substitute teacher was arrested after recording video of herself secretly masturbating in front of a second grade class. “Hey, it beats doing multiplication tables” said a student.

Suzanne Somers was doing a Facebook Live makeup tutorial with her husband when a male intruder entered her house and started talking to her. Three is apparently not “company”, but rather “misdemeanor unlawful entry”.

Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell agreed on the terms of Donald Trump’s 2nd Impeachment Trial. Schumer agreed to keep it short, and McConnell agreed to make sure Democrats don’t get a conviction.

Hayley Hallmark, a 35-year-old Florida teacher and soccer coach, was arrested following a two-year affair with a female student. Hallmark said her goal was to show the student she cared enough to send her very best.

Paris Hilton returned to Utah to testify about alleged abuse she suffered at a private boarding school as a teenager. Hilton told legislators she was repeatedly subjected to harsh examinations to solve mathematical problems.

Mike Pence is launching a podcast, as soon as he stops getting distracted by the big, hard microphone.

Michelle Obama will star in a kids cooking show for Netflix, ‘Waffles & Mochi’. She’ll play a grocery store owner who helps two puppets – the title characters – try to become chefs despite failing to get a CARES Act small-business loan several times.

Walgreens COVID-19 vaccine signup page is reportedly crashing. The company said the website can’t handle the added volume for vaccine inquiries on top of visits from cheapskate men looking for Valentiine’s Day gifts.

Sotheby’s is selling a rare pair of Nike Hyperdunk high-top basketball sneakers designed for President Obama for $25,000. Meanwhile, Big Lots is selling Russian made MAGADunks donut-eating slippers for much less.

A GoFundMe to help Tessica Brown – the Louisiana woman who sprayed Gorilla Glue on her hair – raised over $13,000. She’ll fly to Los Angeles where a plastic surgeon will determine she forgot she’s been wearing a wig.

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Smoke from the west coast wildfires has reached the east coast, where skies will remain hazy because the smoke is required to quarantine for 14 days.

Health experts say that, despite risk from both seasonal flu and COVID-19, you shouldn’t get two flu shots. Shoppers at Walgreens say it will be hard to refuse the buy one, get one free special.

Scientists have found the area of the male brain that controls sexual desire. They were looking for a different portion of the male brain, but the sexual desire part kept getting in the way. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Homeless Philadelphia protestors, living in an encampment while they seek affordable housing, invited Mayor Jim Kenney to a brunch there. Kenney declined, and missed out on the Thunderbird mimosas and squirrel carving station.

France reported 10,000 new cases of COVID-19. President Emmanuel Macron is delaying treatment to see if the virus surrenders first.

A new startup in India hopes to solve the country’s problem of disease caused by open defecation with an “indestructible” public toilet. However, the pandemic has delayed launch, since they can’t test it at Buffalo Bills parking lot tailgate parties.

Apple introduces its new Apple Watch later today, with a feature warning the wearer of an upcoming panic attack – that they’ll get when they discover they don’t have enough money for the new iPhone.

Drew Barrymore said she won’t refer to her new talk show – The Drew Barrymore Show – as “my show”. So this spring, she’ll get to tell staff “our show” is cancelled.

Sony says they may have to slow production of new Playstation 5 game consoles due to a shortage of processing chips. “Thanks for the excuse!” say cheapskate Moms & Dads.

A new report claims global animal populations have declined by 70% over the last 50 years. The study followed every animal except rats in New York.