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Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.

 

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President Trump is expected to lift an Obama-era ban on the sale of military equipment to local police forces, as Dunkin Donuts scrambles to add tank spaces to its parking lots.

Trump is expected to tour flood-ravaged Houston on Tuesday. He’ll circle the area in an Army helicopter for as long as it takes to find a golf course that’s open.

Amazon has lowered prices at newly-acquired Whole Foods. Whole Foods reports that they’re selling so much organic produce, the Red Cross is collecting donations to feed the fruit flies now starving at Whole Foods locations.

Spanish researchers shared findings that drinking four cups of coffee a day lowers risk of death by 30% in persons 45 and older. Starbucks is now accepting Medicare as payment.

The Food and Drug Administration is said to be cracking down on what they consider to be illegal stem cell clinics. The FDA’s website posted a warning letter it sent to U.S. Stem Cell Clinic in Sunrise Florida, and another letter it sent to Taco Bell for its Stem Cell Gordita Crunch.

Walmart is teaming up with Google to allow users to voice-order products via Google Home, to compete with Amazon’s Alexa. So, in the same way that Amazon users can say “Alexa, please order a bag of potato chips” from Amazon, Google Home users can say “Google, I sure’n would appreciate one of them there bags of pork rinds.” from Walmart.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and wife Priscilla Chan welcomed their second daughter, August. August joins 2 year-old sister Max in a lifetime battle for Likes.

Fitbit introduced a $299 smartwatch, the Ionic, to compete with the Apple Watch. It tracks sleep and activity,  displays heart rate, stores music, and has a battery that lasts four days while it sits on your counter and you skip the gym.

Taylor Swift debuted the first single, ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ from her forthcoming album Reputation. The song gives a co-writing credit to 90s one-hit wonder Right Said Fred — as Gerardo and Lou Bega wait by their respective phones for the big call.

Showtime is being sued for the low quality of its video stream experienced by customers watching the big Mayweather v McGregor fight online. Mayweather prevailed in a fight that lasted 10 rounds despite predictions of a fast finish, but it buffered for at least six more rounds.

 

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Ellen Frey-Wouters, an 88 year-old widow with no children, left $300,000 to her two cats when she died this week. The cats intend to use some of the money to hold a party at their house for needy neighborhood mice.

Hong Inh, a 103 year-old woman from Cambodia, received new U.S. citizenship after taking the oath in Los Angeles just this week.  She emigrated to the U.S. six years ago and boy are her arms tired from fighting off ICE Agents trying to deport her.

Police were summoned when Jon & Kate Gosselin, divorced tv-reality-show parents, argued at an orthodontist’s office over who would drive home their daughter. TLC immediately ordered 13 episodes of ‘Jon & Kate Go To The Dentist’.

Samsung introduced the Galaxy Note 8, smartphone successor to its infamous Note 7, which was pulled from the market after repeated battery fires. It features two 12-megapixel cameras, a 6.3 inch display, and a button that pops up when it reaches 165 degrees.

Mavis Wanczyk, a 53 year-old single medical worker from Chicopee, Massachusetts, claimed the $758 million Powerball jackpot. Asked what she planned to do, she said “first I want to sit back and relax.” Then she said she wanted to wreck Tom Brady’s marriage.

A six year-old boy in Louisiana found his twin cousins face down in a pool at a family party – he pulled them out, yelled for help and started chest compressions, possibly saving their lives. The boy said it was what he ‘had to do’ – to have the pool to himself.

The Secret Service spent $7,100 on the rental of luxury portable toilets for the duration of President Trump’s 17-day ‘working vacation’ at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf club, and that’s not including the cost of magazines and iPads.

President Trump retweeted a meme of his head ‘eclipsing’ that of President Barack Obama, captioned ‘Best Eclipse Ever’ – which it is, to those who prefer a cold airless sea of dust & craters to warm, life-giving light.

Amazon’s acquisition of Whole Foods is expected to close on Monday; Amazon says that its first order of business will be to lower prices on many items, to bring the organic experience within reach of many more arrogant snobs.

Harley Davidson introduced eight newly-redesigned cruising motorcycles, to the delight of accounting middle managers who think they’re badasses.