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Verizon is launching a new tool to remotely troubleshoot technical issues in your home without a service technican visit. They’re calling it The Phone.

Amazon hired 100,000 new workers in the last four weeks and are planning to add another 75,000 to replace three-quarters of the first 100,000 that died of exhaustion.

Wildfires have engulfed the area surrounding Chernobyl, threatening extinction to the area’s indigenous two-headed animals.

George Stephanopolous has been diagnosed with COVID-19, or Stephanopoloronaviralous.

NFL staffs will have a practice draft this week in preparation for next week’s official online NFL Draft. They’ll utilize Microsoft Teams; they’d planned to use Zoom but Brett Favre kept crashing the meetings to show his penis.

Bernie Sanders endorsed Joe Biden for President, saying he places his full support behind the guy with whom he shares about one thing in common, sort of.

Deadly tornadoes devastated areas throughout the South and East. Donald Trump plans to tour the area via a GoPro drone with a MAGA cap on it.

Burger King is offering free Whoppers to students who solve a daily math problem. Then, it’s up to their parents to solve the weight gain and blood pressure problems.

Australia has its first ‘stool bank’, where people can get $25 donating healthy stool samples used in transplants to correct digestive disorders. Donors are given a battery of tests, frustrating the efforts of enterprising dogs looking to get Snausage money.

Police in Indonesia’s central Java province employ residents dressed in white sheets as ghosts – ‘pochong’ – to spook people into staying home at night during the coronavirus outbreak. Then they spend the day spooking workers into extending their shifts at the Nike factory.

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Some Instacart customers are luring employees to fulfill their orders with tips of $50 or more, then removing them after receiving their order. A new startup, Instavandal, identifies them so enterprising punks can absolutely trash their houses & lawns.

Saturday Night Live returns this weekend with new, remotely-produced content – but somehow Pete Davidson has a conflict and can’t do it.

A new study published in journal Science theorizes that a crew of monkeys rode a natural raft from Africa to South America around 35 million years ago. As for why the monkeys took to the sea, they say pteradactyls charged too much for airfare.

Singapore stopped teachers from using Zoom, after men crashed a teen girls geography class to make lewd comments. To discourage future class disruptions, Singapore teachers are inviting the men to watch disruptive teen girls caned during detention instead.

Melania Trump shared a photo of herself wearing a cloth facemask. Asked where she got it, she said she still had it from her days robbing convenience stores back in Slovenia.

Scientists created a mutant enzyme that decomposes one ton of plastic bottles in 10 hours. They tried it out on a day’s worth of Mountain Dew bottles collected while TLC Network recorded new episodes of ‘My 600-Lb Life’.

Mark Wahlberg is hosting a second Instagram Live workout from his home; this time, he’s hoping to see some straight guys watching it.

A new website, imisstheoffice.eu , plays audio to replicate sounds common at most offices. You can even navigate to the executive-only floor to hear how the cute new hire got the promotion instead of you.

Prosecutors in the college admissions scandal released the rowing machine photos of Lori Loughlin’s daughters, submitted to get them on the USC Crew Team. Daughter Bella is seen leaning back mid-stroke, while Olivia Jade is pouring water under hers.

In a recent poll, 72% of Americans said they would not attend sporting events in person prior to a successful COVID-19 vaccine. The number increased to 99% when asked specifically about their preteen kids’ tee ball & soccer games.

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Customers claim Instacart shoppers are stealing their groceries. Instacart executives say the best way to prevent theft is to not order cookies and potato chips.

Producers of Modern Family – which ended its decade-long run on Tuesday night – hinted at possible spin-off shows for its characters. So far the most likely characters to get their own show are Sofia Vergara’s breasts.

Google told employees they can’t use videoconferencing app Zoom on company-issued laptops anymore. Workers will need to use Google tools like Google Meet or Google Hangouts if they want to share below-the-neck nudes.

Tom Brady told Howard Stern during an interview that former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has an “amazing” penis, but that his balls are a little too taut for his liking.

Ellen Degeneres jokes that self-isolation is “like being in jail”. Some women inmates said she’s kinda right, since they, too, are “gay for the stay”.

Levi’s ‘Super Mario’-themed jeans go on sale today online. Just add the items to your cart, enter a payment method, and defeat Donkey Kong ten times.

Convenience store chain Wawa is donating use of a refrigerated truck for the state of New Jersey’s use as a temporary morgue. Families retrieving bodies can add a bag of chips for 99 cents.

The Unicode Consortium – overseers of emoji – announced no new emoji will be issued in 2021 because of the COVID-19 pandemic. People can still submit new emoji suggestions, but until then, keep the two oranges and eggplant ready in your ‘recently used’ tab.

Yelp! laid off 1,000 employees, leading to Yelp! collapsing in on itself as the target of hundreds of scathing Yelp! reviews.

Walmart’s grocery shopping app achieved a record number of downloads. The bad news is that orange soda and Cheetos are still backordered until Halloween.

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Walmart supervisors are taking worker temperatures to keep stores and warehouses free of COVID-19. So far, over a hundred robots were sent home after overheating while restocking toilet paper.

Fitbit announced its latest fitness tracker, the Charge 4. It adds GPS functionality so you can more accurately count those five steps between the recliner and the refrigerator.

Alcohol sales increased 55% year-over-year as people stockpiled booze during the coronavirus outbreak. DUI arrests are down, although cops say it’s a lot easier to spot the swerving cars on empty roads.

T-Mobile announced the completion of its merger with Sprint.  “Can you hire me now?” said the unemployed Sprint guy who used to be the Verizon guy.

Comet C/2019 Y4 ATLAS,  five times the size of Jupiter – and about half the size of the Sun – will light up the night sky as it passes Earth in late April. It was to be joined by a second comet, but that one is staying the required six light years away until April 30th.

April 1st is National Census Day. Michelle Obama, Tom Hanks, Lin-Manuel Miranda and others are urging citizens to make sure that they’re counted, even though average schmoes won’t ever count as much as big celebrities.

Donald Trump said the U.S. Government is ‘holding back’ some ventilators in anticipation of a surge in coronavirus infections, or in case he has to walk up a flight of stairs.

Burger King is bringing back its half-pound Big King XL Burger this week – despite protests saying the health care system is already overwhelmed.

Videoconference tool Zoom has a feature that alerts bosses when participants aren’t paying attention in meetings. It tracks participant eye movement, and listens for porn on the iPad next to your laptop.

Speculation is that men are at a higher risk for coronavirus because they’re much less likely to wash their hands – as evidenced by surveys, and women seeing their boyfriend’s greasy fingerprints on their breasts and buttocks.