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According to International Business Times, Queen Elizabeth II eats Special K cereal from a Tupperware bowl for breakfast most days — just like a regular person. Only three different servants feed it to her.

Democrat Kyrsten Sinema won the Arizona seat in the U.S. Senate, becoming the first openly bisexual U.S. Senator. “Alright!” said creepy Arizona men, before getting the explanation that “openly” doesn’t mean “open to anybody”.

Ozark, Missouri megachurch pastor John Lindell urged parishioners at his Assembly of God parish to stop going to yoga because it has “demonic roots”.  “This can’t be good for business!” said Ozark, Missouri’s top yoga instructor, Yogi Jethro.

CNN sued the Trump Administration, seeking the reinstatement of press credentials for barred reporter Jim Acosta.  White House lawyers promptly climbed the ladder that reaches to ceiling and put it on the pile of lawsuits.

Waka Flocka Flame announced that he’s ready to retire from rapping to start a family and become Waka Flocka Extinguished.

The Golden State Warriors are offering $100/month ‘In The Building Passes” to Oracle Arena, where fans can attend home games, but will have no seat and no view of live action except for TVs. They say the ‘not sitting and not seeing the game’ idea was inspired by fans bringing their 4-year-olds to games.

The FDA is recalling Losartan, a blood pressure medication, because it contains a cancer-causing impurity. Patients taking Losartan are being told to expect good news, then really bad news.

Petco announced that it will stop selling dog and cat food with artificial ingredients next year, a move hailed by house pets who eat excrement and garbage.

KFC added chicken & waffles to the menu for a limited time. People eating it can expect it to stay in their digestive system for a very, very limited time.

Marvel Comics pioneer Stan Lee died at age 95. His funeral will take place in two months. The eulogy is done, it’s just going to take a while to illustrate it.

 

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Florida will hold a recount of votes for U.S. Senate and gubernatorial elections. The state Board of Elections put out a call for volunteers to report to election bureaus so highly-skilled Floridian counters can have some extra fingers for the really big numbers.

In Paris, a topless woman charged the motorcade carrying President Trump past a crowd of protesters. She was subdued by police before Trump had a chance to open his door and let her in.

Pabst Blue Ribbon is suing MillerCoors to extend a brewing agreement between the companies. Pabst claims that if the agreement is ended, they’ll go out of business. Attorneys for Pabst arrived at the hearing via an Uber Pool wearing flannel shirts, dirty boots and black wool stocking caps.

A new study by researchers at University of British Columbia and the Harvard TH Chan School of public health advises that women of all ages should wait a year between pregnancies. The study was conducted with the help of a lot of broke, tired, parents.

Another study from United Nations advocacy group FP2020 said that more women in the poorest countries are embracing forms of modern contraception. The report states that contraceptive use would be even higher if the men would stop hiding the condoms.

According to gossip site Radar Online, Kim Kardashian held a ‘quiet intervention’ for husband Kanye West after he continually refused to take his psychiatric meds. Then, Kanye arrived and it turned in to a ‘not quiet intervention’.

Next Monday night, the NFL’s best teams – the Kansas City Chiefs and Los Angeles Rams – play in Mexico City.  Betting odds put the game’s over/under at a record high 64 points, with another record over/under of 3 for visiting Chiefs & Rams players kidnapped by drug lords.

Nielsen says viewers age 18-to -34 watching traditional tv is down 15% this year, and has dropped 36% since 2014.  A spokesman at CBS said they’re not worried, that younger people will come stampeding back when word gets out about hip technology-focused shows like ‘God Friended Me’.

The Vatican told the U.S. Conference of Bishops to delay voting on measures to hold bishops accountable for victims of clergy sexual abuse — saying that Pope Francis had already spent the money on booze and ecstasy for one last huge altar boy rager.

Procter & Gamble said that it will reconfigure Tide detergent so that Amazon can ship it in a new eco-friendly box that dispenses the liquid. They’ll also set up a website to show millennials used to eating Tide Pods how to do Detergent Shots instead.

 

 

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The Centers for Disease Control report that cigarette smoking has hit a new low – just 14% of U.S. adults. The reduction in young adult smokers, however, has made it that much more difficult for teenagers to decide who the cool people are to have sex with.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team has reportedly begun writing its final report on the Russia probe, based on feedback from customers at Staples who saw Mueller buying clear plastic binders to put on it before he hands it in.

40 more Sears & KMart locations are closing. The remaining locations are kicking off a Probably Going Out Of Business Sale.

Dwayne Wade & Gabrielle Union welcomed their first child together – delivered via a surrogate. Wade was credited with a steal.

Kim Kardashian visited San Quentin Prison in California, supposedly to check out programs offered for prisoners. She left after finding out there isn’t a program to sell movies of conjugal visits.

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show took place Thursday night in New York City. “Wow! Sexy!” said people doing their best to pretend that free Internet porn doesn’t exist.

Cable and satellite companies lost over 1 million video subscribers in Q3, an industry record. Operators attempted to call departed customers to win them back, but eventually hung up when the customers left them on hold for over a half-hour.

Thanks to a new website, Global Barter Week, you can exchange your skills and belongings for free stays vacation properties around the world. They say they got the idea from the women & men who trade sex for free stays at summer homes in the Hamptons.

Men on Reddit are sharing the best compliment they’ve ever received, but most are disappointed it wasn’t about the size of their penis.

Raging wildfires are forcing large-scale evacuations near Los Angeles, including some of the Kardashians’ homes near Calabasas. People are contacting local officials asking how they can donate to keep the fires near Kardashian homes going.

 

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The White House revoked the credentials of CNN’s Jim Acosta, following his tense exchange at a press conference with President Trump, when Acosta touched the arm of an intern attempting to take his mic. “Touching the White House interns is forbidden unless you’re the President” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was hospitalized, as her doctors said she suffered three fractured ribs in a fall. Justices Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Thomas & Roberts wrote their dissent that the ribs weren’t fractured after all.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was effectively fired, submitting a resignation letter at the request of President Trump on Wednesday. Trump supposedly authored the letter on Monday, but it took Sessions & staff two days to correct the spelling and grammar errors.

Among the candidates to replace Sessions as Attorney General — former NJ Governor and Trump Transition Team member Chris Christie. Adding Christie to Trump’s staff is believed to be an inside route to getting the White House one of those black ‘Free McDonald’s For Life’ cards.

Following a worldwide employee protest last week, Google is announcing new policies around sexual harassment in the workplace — doing so via one of the most uncomfortable Google Doodles you’ll ever watch.

Former reality tv star Anna Duggar sparked rumors of her being pregnant with her sixth child after video showed her with what could be a baby bump. Other Duggar women sparked bigger rumors after videos showed them with flat stomachs, shocking the world by not being pregnant for a couple of weeks.

Brody Roybal, two-time USA Paralympic sled hockey gold medalist, climbed Chicago’s Willis Tower’s 2,149 stairs using his upper body, arms & hands on Sunday. No word on when the elevators will be fixed.

Taco Bell announced “Party By Taco Bell”, a program that will allow people to book small gatherings in Taco Bell locations between November 24 and December 22. Party By Taco Bell can be used by families, groups of friends, or companies looking for a cheap way to say how much they hate their employees.

Reddit’s ‘Apple’ community is flooded with complaints over the company nickel-and-diming their users with charges for cloud storage, dongles and other fees making it more expensive to send penis pics to disgusted women.

Walmart announced its Black Friday electronics deals. They’ll start as early as 10pm on Thanksgiving night on Walmart.com, or via stampede in-person at Midnight.

 

 

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A Delta Airlines passenger was outraged when he was forced to sit in a seat on his Atlanta-to-Miami flight that was “covered in feces” from a service dog on the prior leg of the flight. He still took it after flight attendants refused to clean it, and after 75 failed attempts asking other passengers to switch seats.

More than 100 women were elected to Congress, and are already working together around-the-clock on a bill to raise the thermostat in the Capitol building.

Following the mysterious fatal wreck of a Lion Air flight in Indonesia, Boeing issued a safety warning regarding the 737 MAX jet involved. Right now it’s just a sticker on the cockpit instrument panel that reads “Plane May Crash”, but they promise to dig in for more details.

Samsung is planning to introduce a new ‘flip smartphone’, so you can look even smarter in 1999.

Three managers at a home improvement company in China have been jailed after reportedly forcing employees to eat cockroaches and drink urine for missing sales targets. Video of the punishment surfaced on social media, and led to a shopper boycott of Human Atrocity Depot.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for making terroristic threats when, after being told he wasn’t registered to vote, said he was going to get a gun and come back and shoot workers. He was taken in custody wearing a “I Threatened To Shoot Up A Polling Place” sticker.

Guinness will release a new type of its classic stout, aged in bourbon barrels, hoping to capture the unmistakable scent of bourbon in the urine of drunks pissing themselves after blacking out in the bar.

Voters in San Francisco approved Proposition C, a ballot measure requiring high-revenue companies in the city to pay taxes to fight homelessness. The next step is for homeless people to decide which city they’ll fly to with their free airline ticket.

Under Armour said it will change its culture, following a Wall St Journal article alleging employees were free to put strip-club visits on their corporate cards. At first, Under Armour fought back, saying the strip club trips were to see if their jogbras and yoga pants were easily removed on stage.

Two St. Louis day care workers were charged with felonies after video from 2016 surfaced of a “fight club”; the workers gave 3-and-4-year-olds toy ‘Hulk hands’, then encouraged them to fight. A 6-year-old star witness is expected to testify, assured by prosecutors that he can keep his Championship Belt.

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The Spice Girls officially announced their reunion tour, featuring four of the five original members. Group managers scoured cooking websites researching substitutes for Posh Spice.

Bloomberg reports that senior citizens are rapidly replacing teenagers as fast-food workers.  Older workers are desirable for their ‘soft’ skills like interacting with people, and because they generate less saliva to spit into customers’ food.

NBC News and Fox News are both pulling a Trump campaign ad portraying a migrant caravan traveling to the U.S./Mexico border as invaders and criminals. NBC News said that it was racist, and Fox News said that it wasn’t racist enough.

  • Facebook also banned the ad, but reminds everyone you can still post all the crazy racist crap you want on Facebook, you just can’t pay them to share it.

North Korea said that if the U.S. does not ease crippling sanctions against them, they could restart buildup of nuclear weapons. The North Koreans admitted they’ve dismantled some of their nuclear arsenal, but said it can be rebuilt fast since it’s made entirely out of Legos.

Lowe’s is closing 51 stores, all of which haven’t seen many highs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics wants to ban spanking, saying it does long-term damage to children. They also want to ban yelling at, shaming and humiliating children — leaving many parents asking what’s left for them to do.

Harvey Weinstein asked a judge to dismiss his sexual assault case entirely. The judge invited Weinstein to his chambers, where he sat wearing only a robe, and asked Weinstein for a massage.

Convenience store 7-Eleven is experimenting with self-checkout.  Customers can either use the 7-Eleven app to report what they stole while in-store, or grab cash at any of the unmanned registers if they’re just there to rob the place.

Loyal customers of a California donut shop are buying out the store’s inventory every day so the owner can close early and be with his wife, who’s in rehab after an aneurysm. The owner is also able to say hi to many loyal customers suffering diabetic shock after eating a dozen donuts each day.

Billionaire Bill Gates gave the keynote address at a Reinvented Toilet Expo in China. Gates spoke about safe waste disposal as a jar of human feces rested on a pedestal next to him. After the speech Gates stayed for dinner, while the jar of poop returned to the U.S. where it’s running for Congress as a Republican.

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The FDA approved Dsuvia, a new opioid tablet 10 times stronger than fentanyl and 1,000 times stronger than morphine.  To curb potential abuse, it will only be used in extreme cases such as emergency rooms, or to take prior to joining your extended family for Thanksgiving dinner.

An 11-year-old in a Phoenix suburb, told by his live-in grandmother to clean his room, shot her, then shot himself. Officials said that the room is now an even bigger mess.

A university theater student in Pennsylvania was arrested for secretly using his iPhone to record women he knew using the bathroom.  The women became suspicious when they emerged from the bathroom and he congratulated them on passing their audition.

A Scottish fisherman was rescued from a cliff after he was confronted and cornered by an aggressive colony of about 50 gray seals protecting their young. He was lowered into a boat by the Coast Guard, who responded after a Scottish SEAL team took the animals’ side.

Hutch, a 13-year-old Belgian Malinois police dog in Boynton Beach, Florida – credited with taking part in over 200 arrests – has died .. just one week short of finally retiring and getting his pension.

An off-duty NYPD officer was arrested in Brooklyn and charged with DUI after driving the wrong way down a one-way street and striking a parked car. He was taken into custody when on-duty NYPD officers saw the drunk cop giving himself a field sobriety test.

Susan Westwood, 51, of North Carolina, was shown on viral video harassing two black women waiting for AAA vehicle assistance. Westwood insulted them and bragged about being white, hot, and making $125,000 working for Spectrum Cable. She was fired from Spectrum, where she was a supervisor harassing people who were late paying their bill.

Beginning today, Amazon will offer free shipping to all its customers for items arriving in time for Christmas. Amazon’s warehouse workers and delivery drivers responded to the increased workload by increasing the size of bottles they urinate in from 16-ounce to two-liter.

Jury selection began Monday in the drug trafficking trial of legendary drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. The NYPD closed the Brooklyn Bridge to transport El Chapo from a Manhattan prison to the Brooklyn trial. El Chapo said it was unnecessary, since his employees had already built a special tunnel.

  • So far, prosecution attorneys have sent home several dozen prospective jurors who greeted El Chapo by name as they entered the courtroom.

Kim Kardashian said that husband Kanye West is harassing her to expand their family to seven children. Kardashian told a friend she doesn’t know if her body could handle the stress of watching so many surrogates have her kids.

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Jeopardy! & Wheel of Fortune were both renewed through 2022, delighting game show fans who enjoy feeling really dumb for a half-hour, then kinda smart for the next half-hour.

The WNBA Players Association opted out of their collective bargaining agreement, in a bold move to try and get sports fans to remember the WNBA during its offseason.

Tennessee executed a convicted double murderer using the electric chair for the first time since 2007, surprising prison officials since it started on the first pull.

Avril Lavigne talked to an Australian radio station, addressing a fringe theory that she died and was replaced with a body double. “That’s so dumb, I’m the real April Lavigne!” she said.

Airports in Hungary, Latvia & Greece will add lie detector tests to screen passengers boarding flights. Anyone on a window seat found lying about the number of times they’ll use the restroom will be turned away.

Amazon will be the exclusive seller of 4,500 bottles of rare 19-year-old Bowmore French Oak Single Malt Scotch. 3,000 bottles are expected to survive being tossed on to front porches.

KitchenAid is releasing a commemorative Misty Blue color of its iconic stand mixer to commemorate the brand’s 100th Anniversary. Cooks will love the retro look of it as they shove it to the back corner of the kitchen counter to clear room for appliances they actually use.

Delta Air Lines unveiled the first of 75 brand-new Airbus A220-100 jetliners joining their fleet in the next several years. It’s the first airliner of its size to have non-metal wings, electric brakes instead of hydraulic brakes, and an easy-to-find black box for when the non-metal wings snap and the electric brakes fail.

A Michigan dad driving a minivan carrying his trick-or-treating 3-year-old son ran over the boy – twice – after he fell out of the back of it.  The boy was treated for minor leg injuries, and the Dad finally got the fun-size Snickers bars he’d demanded from his son.

Jersey Shore star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino married longtime girlfriend Lauren Pesce, before reporting to prison to serve his eight-month term for tax fraud. He will be honeymooning with his cellmate.

 

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A drunk American Airlines baggage handler fell asleep in the cargo hold of a Boeing 737 and flew from Kansas City to Chicago. He was suspended from work, but made friends with five or six dogs he met on the trip.

Uber announced Uber Pro, a new loyalty program for drivers that offers perks like extra pay, online college courses, vehicle dent repair, and defense attorneys specializing in sexual harassment.

A 26-year-old woman, naked from the waist down, fell through the ceiling of a Cook Out burger & barbecue restaurant in Kingsport, Tennessee, twice. After falling through the ceiling in to the kitchen the first time, the manager told her to put on a hair net, which she did, then dropped in to the kitchen again.

A man stabbed two coworkers at a Pittsburgh bar when they were telling him he was fired. The man received no severance, while the coworkers are expected to recover after being severed.

A Mississippi man was thrown out of a bar’s Halloween party for wearing a Ku Klux Klan costume. The man claimed it was an honest mistake, that he just showed up a night early for his regular meeting.

A 53-year-old woman survived 6 days in the Arizona desert after her car crashed and was left suspended in a tree. The woman told her rescuers that she actually stayed in the treed car for three days, but finally set out on foot because Google Maps would only say “rerouting”.

Megyn Kelly’s belongings were rapidly gathered and removed from her NBC News office on October 24, the day after her infamous ‘blackface’ comments. “Man, there’s a lot of shoe polish in here” said an intern holding a cardboard box.

The owner of a vegetarian restaurant in Bangkok allegedly tried to cover up a murder by serving the flesh of the victim to diners. Patrons complained that they found minced meat in their noodles. The owner/suspect remains at large, but police are hoping to trace him from his responses to angry one-star Yelp! reviews.

An experiment from The National Toxicology Program using 3,000 rodents found positive, but sparing, evidence that cellphone radio waves raise the risk of brain cancer in male rats. They also found definitive evidence of brain cancer in female rats from cellphones, since their conversations were 10 times longer.

Carnival Cruises confirmed an issue with its Carnival Sunshine vessel, causing the ship to tilt to one side.  Carnival said it was a malfunctioning fin stabilizer, passengers said it was a malfunctioning buffet, causing them to all rush to one side of the boat to vomit.

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Robotic dogs, seals and bears are being deployed at nursing homes and elder care facilities throughout Japan to monitor the health of residents. They want to add robotic love dolls, but they’re still trying to get the wrinkles just right.

Rumors are circulating that Nicki Minaj is pregnant. Observers are trying to figure out which bump to look at to confirm it.

After refuting claims of lead contamination and declaring on a municipal website, “NEWARK’S (NJ) WATER IS ABSOLUTELY SAFE TO DRINK”, officials acknowledge an issue and have given out 40,000 water filters. The website has been updated to read “WHY ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN NEWARK?”

Google employees are planning a walkout on Thursday to protest their executives’ handling of sexual misconduct. The route will take five minutes on foot, according to Google Maps.

Convicted mobster James “Whitey” Bulger was murdered at a federal prison in in West Virginia, and is now known as Red-&-Whitey Bulger.

The Centers for Disease Control have called sleep deprivation a public health crisis, saying that one-third of Americans don’t get enough sleep, and that millions of Americans voted for a guy who reportedly only sleeps four hours a night.

Apple said they’re halting the release of Apple watchOS 5.1, following user complaints that the update is “bricking” their watches and forcing them to look at their iPhones to see what time it is.

Apple also released a new iPad that removes the home button and can only be unlocked with Face ID. This hands-free approach received the full endorsement of people who watch porn on their iPad.

A startup company is opening a new chain of hotels, Life House. What makes Life House different is that is has its own closed social network so that guests can meet strangers while traveling. Until it receives an official name, the social network is being called “Hooking Up At The Hotel Bar”.

CVS drugstores are experimenting with a new membership program, where a $5 monthly spend gets you $10 in store credit. The program is being tweaked after oxycontin addicts quickly rolled up $5,000 store credit in several days.