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Fitbit added menstrual cycle tracking to its devices, which means they’ll wait and tell women how many steps they’ve taken once they’re in a better mood.

A filmmaker was killed by a giraffe while working on a project in South Africa. After a tense standoff, the giraffe dropped its AR-15 and surrendered to authorities.

Special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly rejected a request by President Trump’s legal team to answer his questions in the Russia investigation ‘in writing’. Mueller ruled out the take-home test after finding out Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani had purchased a Teachers Edition of “Intro to Treason” on eBay.

First Lady Melania Trump introduced her new program for children’s health, ‘Be Best’. The platform has a three-fold focus: healthy living; positive use of social media; and combating opioid abuse. President Trump attended the press conference while eating Big Macs, tweeting insults at Robert Mueller and hitting up Ronny Jackson for some Oxy.

Melania has been accused of copying Michelle Obama in crafting ‘Be Best’, including modifying Obama’s ‘Be Better’ message and issuing a pamphlet about online behavior that was copied from the Obama-era FTC. Melania denied the allegations while wearing blackface, a black wig and an affordable J Crew dress.

A California judge upheld a ruling that coffee sold in the state must carry a cancer warning. Starbucks scrambled to add “Consuming this beverage may increase risk of venti half-caf soy double-shot no-whip cappucinonoma.”

Executives from Google, Amazon & Facebook visit Washington on Thursday to discuss the future of artificial intelligence — with White House staff who represent the present state of no human intelligence.

Flight attendants speaking with publication Who What Wear shared what men and women should wear when flying to increase their chance of a first class upgrade: “anything but Crocs.”

The IAAF, governing body for track & field, may rule that South African woman sprinter Caster Semenya may be barred from competing due to her high levels of naturally-occurring testosterone, and because her balls keep snagging on the high hurdles.

A crocodile tore off the arm of a bride-to-be as she kayaked with her fiance eight days before her wedding in Zimbabwe. She was rescued, the wedding took place on schedule, and the bride tossed her arm to single women gathered at the reception, hoping they’d catch it and be next to marry.

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An Obamacare rule requiring food-selling establishments to list calorie counts on menus and displays takes effect this week. Cinnabon and Popeye’s will list calories, but their menu boards read “You’d Better Sit Down First”.

Don Gorske of Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin, ate his 30,000th Big Mac at a local McDonald’s. Gorske, 64, is a retired prison guard with obsessive compulsive disorder. He said one of the few days he failed to eat a Big Mac is the day his mother died in 1988, when they put a McDLT in his bag by mistake.

First Lady Melania Trump will unveil her policy goals this week, which are expected to include the ‘Separate Beds’ Policy and the ‘Adultery Voids the Prenup’ Policy.

Fifty guest rooms were flooded when a water line broke on a Carnival cruise ship. The passengers said it was the worst Carnival cruise experience they’d had since the last Carnival cruise they were on.

St. Louis Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina will miss at least four weeks following emergency surgery after a 102 mph pitch was fouled into his groin. The team’s equipment manager will use the time to develop a protective cup with an air bag that inflates on impact.

Researchers using radar scans concluded that King Tut’s tomb does not have any hidden chambers, and that he just hid hieroglyphic porn under his bed like everybody else.

YouTube removed hundreds of videos posted by a Ukrainian company called EduBirdie, that sold essays to students looking to cheat on their homework. YouTube was following up on complaints from high school students who received Fs on their ‘Moby Dick’ book reports because they were written in Ukrainian.

‘Avengers: Infinity War’ passed the $1 Billion revenue mark at the box office, which still isn’t good enough to make your cheap, lazy-ass friend stop bitching about ‘spoilers’ and go.

Gina Haspel, nominee to become new Director of the CIA, is rumored to have tried to withdraw her nomination. Critics say Haspel oversaw various torture programs while interrogating terror suspects – including waterboarding, and serving her homemade meatloaf.

Molten lava from the eruption of Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano has forced evacuations, destroyed dozens of homes, and prevented Greg Brady from returning the sacred idol to the tomb where he found it.

 

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Matt Gaetz flipped off

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz posted a photo with a group of sixth graders, and a young girl is giving him the middle finger in the background. Her mother apologized, while the girl’s Political Action Committee has raised $2 million for her to run against Gaetz.

A 19-year-old UK girl was sentenced to 11 years in prison for stabbing her male partner while they had sex. Officials say they’ll now add this story to ‘perils of drunk driving’ when reviewing prom night safety.

Cinema subscription service Moviepass returned to its original one-movie-a-day value proposition, after briefly experimenting with a ‘four-movies-a-month, plus we pay you twenty bucks for sitting through I Feel Pretty’ offer.

Los Angeles-based Carmar Denim is selling Extreme Cut Out Jeans for $168. Finally, you can get into a girl’s pants just by looking at them.

  • “Is that a clitoris in your pants or are you just happy….wait, yep, it is I can see it from here.”

cutout jeans

The doors of a Brinks armored truck flew open on an interstate highway near Indianapolis, sending hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash spilling on to the highway. Some motorists stopped, but most said “no thanks, I’m still leaving Indianapolis”.

Twitter was hacked and requested that all users change their passwords. President Trump convened a staff meeting to determine if he’s up to Password2 or Password3.

Trump, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s comments about his reimbursement of Michael Cohen’s payments to Stormy Daniels, said Giuliani “needs to get his facts straight.” Although the point at which Trump lawyers get their facts straight is the time that they stop working for Trump.

Trump also said that the site and date of a summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been finalized, but he won’t say where it is because Gymboree doesn’t confirm events until the deposit check clears.

Meghan Markle’s father will walk her down the aisle for her wedding to Britain’s Prince Harry, following an evaluation by Buckingham Palace to determine if he was boring enough.

Scientists who deleted an enzyme called NAMPT in laboratory mice have made the mice “completely resistant” to obesity while still consuming a high-fat diet. The mice celebrated by returning to Chipotle for the first time in weeks.

  • The study did not elaborate on NAMPT, with scientists stating only that the ‘A’ stands for Arby’s.

 

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The Boy Scouts of America are planning to change their name to ‘Scouts BSA’ with girls now allowed to join. Scouts BSA beat out other potential new names including ‘Uniscouts’; ‘Panscoutual’, and ‘United Bullying Victims’.

A GoFundMe campaign raised $20,000 so that a 104-year-old man can fly from Australia to Switzerland to end his life via assisted suicide. In addition to the money, the campaign message board was flooded with ideas on how to do it much cheaper than $20,000.

President Trump tweeted that Robert Mueller’s investigation is interfering with his ability to do his job, saying that discussion of the Russia probe is keeping Fox & Friends hosts from telling him where he should meet Kim Jong Un.

Kanye West said that black slavery is “a choice” – apparently referring to his and black athletes’ repeated appearances on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Ford Motor Company filed a patent for a minivan designed to carry a motorcycle that can pop out of it. They plan to sell it to emasculated dads so they can hop on the motorcycle and chase down the people in fun cars who insult them on the highway.

Lyft pledged $1.5 million in free rides to low-income people, so that attractive poor women can be sexually harassed.

Iowa passed the most restrictive abortion law in the country, dealing a crippling blow to sexually active teenagers, who can’t believe this happened in such an amazing place to live.

A Detroit-area Catholic high school has scrapped plans to hand out “modesty ponchos” to prom-goers whose dresses are deemed too revealing. Instead, they’ll follow standard Detroit prom tradition and hand out condoms & riot gear.

Yale University revoked Bill Cosby’s honorary degree, following similar actions by Temple, University of Pennsylvania, Marquette, Brown, Fordham, Carnegie Mellon and Notre Dame.  “I’ve lost more degrees than the body temperature of a dead hooker!” Cosby said, proving he’s still got it.

The CEO of Xerox resigned. The replacement will be named after someone opens Door 1 and clears out a jam of candidates.

Southwest Airlines flight 957 from Chicago to Newark made an emergency landing in Cleveland after a window broke. “Now I’ll never see the Grand Canyon!” said the drunk passenger in seat 14F.

The E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has killed its first victim. The California resident, who remains unidentified, thought they would remain healthy by ordering the dressing on the side.

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A Utah high-school girl who wore a traditional cheongsam – a Chinese formal dress – to her prom, received backlash on Twitter for ‘cultural appropriation’ from some people of Chinese descent. They argue the cheongsam is only for Chinese women to wear for special occasions, or in Asian porno movies not set in a massage parlor.

Facebook will soon offer a dating service. They’ll also offer a gay dating service, Penisbook.

Facebook also announced a new “Clear History” button to remove digital traces of apps and sites that you’ve clicked in the past. So Congratulations! – for all anyone knows, you’re not a racist or pervert anymore!

Donald Trump’s former personal physician, Dr. Harold Bernstein, claims that Trump’s one-time bodyguard, Keith Schiller, raided his office in February, 2017 and took Trump’s medical files. Bernstein commented to NBC News that he felt “raped” – and that he should know rape, since he was once Ivana Trump’s doctor, too.

The New York Times published a list of 49 questions allegedly compiled by Special Counsel Robert Mueller that would be asked to President Trump. Trump condemned the leak of the question list, and the fact that they didn’t come with multiple-choice answers.

CNN reports that over 100 Uber drivers have been accused of sexual assault. Worse, the drivers plan to use the “They got where they were going, didn’t they?” defense.

Wall Street is worried about slowing demand for the iPhone, due to Apple’s reported cancellation of iPhone component orders. Apple has reportedly laid off so many factory workers, 7th grade classrooms in China now have waiting lists to get in.

‘Mean Girls’ and ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ top the list of Tony Award nominees, with 12 each. “Where else are you going to see quality entertainment like this?” asked Broadway producers who haven’t heard of basic cable.

The U.S. will return 3,000 ancient artifacts to Iraq that were smuggled into the U.S. under false identification and shipped to Hobby Lobby stores. They’ll also send 3,000 basket making kits because Hobby Lobby wants the Iraqis to have some good family fun.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘Goop’ released The Sex Issue – a guide to erotic pleasure for couples. Paltrow advises that couples share a copy and pass their Goop back & forth.

 

 

 

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The Smithsonian Institution introduced its newest guide, a 4-foot-tall robot named Pepper. “So, who else besides me is already bored?” said Pepper before being replaced by an older robot that appreciates history.

Stormy Daniels filed a defamation lawsuit against President Trump, because why not, when a person who takes money for having sex sincerely believes her character was damaged by the guy paying for it.

Unnamed White House staffers told NBC News that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly referred to President Trump on several occasions as “an idiot”. This has upset the Secret Service, who are concerned about Kelly randomly using their code word for the President.

ESPN is rumored to be offering Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten $4 million to become the new lead analyst on Monday Night Football – this, in addition to the money they allegedly paid Jon Gruden to shut up and leave.

Former Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore filed a complaint claiming that he was the target of a political conspiracy by women alleging to be victims of sexual assault by Moore. Moore asserts that the women caused him to lose his election for Alabama senator, and got him banned for life from Chuck E. Cheese.

African-American activists have convinced Starbucks to bar anti-Semitism group Anti-Defamation League from Starbucks upcoming anti-bias training session. Starbucks said they’ve scheduled a second, Jewish customer anti-bias training, for Yom Kippur.

Kim Jong Un is reportedly considering meeting President Trump at the Korean DMZ – although insiders assume they both mistakenly think they’re meeting at TMZ.

Jennifer Garner tweeted a photo of a note reading “I love farts” written by her 6-year-old son Samuel — and optioned by Sony Pictures for an upcoming film directed by his father, Ben Affleck.

A 12-year-old boy returned to school, after being trapped underwater for 8 minutes at a North Carolina resort’s ‘lazy river’.  Operators of the resort said if the kid warescued faster, he should have gotten stuck under the ‘ambitious river’.

OnePoll surveyed 2,000 U.S. workers and compiled a list of the 10 most ‘cringeworthy’ office phrases, topped by “Give it 110%” and “think outside the box”. Surprisingly absent from the list?.. “we’re eliminating your position”.

Avengers – Infinity War actress Elisabeth Olsen said that if she could change her Scarlet Witch costume, she wouldn’t reveal so much cleavage; adding that she would have hidden one of the Infinity Stones in between her breasts, but Thanos could easily see it was there.

 

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126 pounds of methamphetamine were found and seized in a truck hauling Starbucks products in Washington state. Starbucks has delayed the Seattle test launch of the Caramel Mocha Crankuccino.

Katy Perry met Pope Francis. She was assigned ten Hail Marys for kissing a girl and liking it.

A judge ordered a 90-day delay in Stormy Daniels’ lawsuit against Trump attorney Michael Cohen, citing Cohen’s possible indictment on federal crimes. Her attorney plans to appeal for a speedier trial, but just in case, Daniels plans to use the 90 days to shoot 120 new movies.

France’s First Lady Brigitte Macron said of her U.S. counterpart Melania Trump, she’s “really fun”, but “can’t go outside”. Macron was referring to the heavy security surrounding Mrs. Trump, but also recalled Melania becoming frustrated after 10 minutes of trying to pull open a sliding door.

A Vietnam Airlines flight crew was suspended for landing on a closed runway at Cam Ranh Airport, stranding passengers since the new, under-construction runway isn’t connected to any others. Several passengers called the delay their Vietnam.

McDonald’s surprised analysts with 1st-quarter earnings that beat expectations, and with at least two-dozen hot fries that spilled out of the container into the bottom of the bag.

Avengers – Infinity War posted $250 million in ticket sales on opening weekend, the biggest in U.S. cinema history. Cheapskates with Moviepass broke their own records sitting through junk after they couldn’t get into Infinity War.

Sprint and T-Mobile agreed to a $26 Billion merger, creating the world’s largest provider of dropped calls.

President Trump thanked U.S. Paralympic athletes for their performance in the Winter Games in South Korea, but curiously mentioned that the games were “tough to watch” – since he didn’t know the numbers for any channels other than Fox News.

One of the jurors in the Bill Cosby trial spoke to Good Morning America, saying one of the keys to his conviction was a 2005 deposition in which the actor admitted to giving quaaludes to women. And that one of the other keys was Cosby doing it about fifty or so times.

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North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un and South Korea’s Moon Jae-in announced an historic armistice, with both countries agreeing to denuclearize and end their long war. Un commemorated the deal by going home to North Korea and executing a bunch of cabinet members who told him it couldn’t be done.

The newly-reached peace accord was a challenge, but they were able to move the Un and Moon to get it done.

The two Korean leaders and their wives attended a post-summit banquet on Friday where they dined on delicacies from both sides of the border: South Korean barbecue, and North Korean parasites.

Comedian Bill Cosby was convicted on all three sexual-assault-related charges he faced in his retrial. As the guilty verdicts were read, Cosby’s attorney asked that jurors be polled individually, and each replied “hey, hey, hey!” that they had, indeed, voted ‘guilty’.

The arrest of Joseph DeAngelo, alleged to be the ‘Golden State Killer’, was made possible by DNA matching using a genealogy website.  DeAngelo’s court-appointed lawyer reviewed the evidence with him, at which point DeAngelo was stunned to learn he’s 5% Chinese!

The Centers for Disease Control released statistics that autism in schoolchildren increased 15% between 2012 and 2014. “Sad!” said President Trump, blaming the Obama Administration.

Amazon is raising the annual price of Amazon Prime from $99 to $119. The company says the increase is to cover rising costs, after barely squeaking by with a $3 Billion annual profit in 2017.

Amazon detailed some of the cost increases, including shipping costs, programming costs for Prime Video, drone insurance, and crowbars to facilitate Prime subscribers’ packages delivered to their car trunks and inside their homes.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders took questions from the children of reporters on Take Your Child To Work Day, including one from a child asking why FBI Director James Comey was fired. Sanders replied Comey “did some things that weren’t very nice” before revoking the child’s credentials and barring them from snack time.

Singer Janelle Monae announced that she’s pansexual – and if she smokes weed before sex, she’s pot & pansexual.

 

 

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Dr. Ronny Jackson withdrew from consideration to run the Veterans Administration after a string of accusations including inappropriate work behavior, drunkenness, and handing out opioids. After Jackson withdrew, this guy’s beeper went off:

trump-doctor

 

According to a Pew study, four in five Americans believe in God. According to a different Pew study of dead people, none of them do.

Actor/wrestler John Cena, promoting the Transformers spinoff movie “Bumblebee” in Las Vegas, told ‘Entertainment Tonight’ that the end of his engagement to Nikki Bella “sucks”. He added that getting to date other women “sucks less” and that he expects ‘Bumblebee’ will “suck”.

The library at the University of Utah installed a “cry closet” where students stressed out by final exams can hold stuffed animals and let out tensions. Or, they can just go to the far corner of the Reference section and have sex like normal people.

Southwest Airlines said they’ve encountered a “softness” in bookings following the fatality aboard Flight 1380. They’ve also encountered difficulty with people sitting on each other’s laps on the aisle to avoid shrapnel flying through the window.

A new study of e-cigarette users said that non-tobacco ‘flavors’ are increasingly important to both younger and older e-cig users, and that e-cigs increase the likelihood of actual cigarette use. The data  inspired the release of New Hawaiian Punch Marlboros.

President Donald Trump called into ‘Fox & Friends’ on Thursday morning to discuss “Leakin’ Liar James Comey”, Kanye West and Michael Cohen – but only after receiving assurances that there be no ‘Avengers – Infinity War’ spoilers before the 7pm screening at the White House.

President Trump said he was “too busy” to get a present for wife Melania’s 48th birthday. He claimed he got her a “beautiful card” and flowers. Insiders said the First Lady is looking forward to a ‘spa day’, which is the term she uses for any day she doesn’t have to see her husband.

Kanye West tweeted that he has an autographed ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, signed by President Trump, but not signed by Vice President Mike Pence in order to retain its value.

The House Judiciary Committee will hear arguments on Thursday regarding perceived social media bias against conservative viewpoints on Facebook, Google & Twitter. Twitter and Google have not said whether they’ll attend; Facebook confirmed that it will not be at the meeting, and that they’ve Snoozed Congress for 30 days.

 

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Amazon announced that Amazon Key members can have packages delivered to the trunks of their cars — explaining the rash of drone crashes on the nation’s interstate highways.

Facebook released 25 pages of documents to show how it polices bullying and hate speech. Twitter also released its guide book, ‘How To Improve Your Bullying and Hate Speech’.

Oxford University researchers claim that hydrogen sulfide clouds make the atmosphere of Uranus smell like farts. They added that no human will ever experience it due to -200 Celsius temperatures, but said that if anyone wanted to come close, they could always use a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop toilet in December.

Police making a traffic stop arrested a Delaware woman for operating a “one-pot” meth lab in her Volkswagen Jetta. She was planning to use the money she made to buy an SUV and expand to a three-pot meth lab.

  • One-pot mobile meth labs are apparently expanding in popularity, as more and more Americans deliver for Amazon.

Google announced that it had taken down over 8 million objectionable YouTube videos over the last three months — giving you that excuse you’ve needed to explain why you haven’t watched your friend’s stand-up comedy debut.

Google followed the lead of Apple, Samsung & Twitter and changed its handgun emoji to a water gun. The change was protested by the Wicked Witch of the West.

Comcast has made a $31 Billion acquisition offer for European broadcaster Sky, in a coup to expand its World Class reputation for customer service to a whole new continent.

Global wine production slumped to its lowest level in 60 years in 2017, according to data from the International Organization of Vine and Wine, threatening to make cheap wine more expensive and lower in quality. “Hmm..I detect notes of elderberries, paint thinner and antifreeze..” said an oenophile hobo before wetting himself and falling asleep.

The new Gmail begins rolling out to users this week, featuring Confidential Mode – messages that can’t be forwarded or printed by recipients, and can be made to disappear after being read. The technology is being hailed as a breakthrough by office creeps looking to sexually harass coworkers.

Two former NFL cheerleaders offered to drop their discrimination lawsuit against the league in exchange for a one-dollar settlement and a meeting with Commissioner Roger Goodell. The women want to ask Goodell about their low pay & long hours, and if he has spirit!