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Southern Methodist University professor Ryan Murphy ranked U.S. states having the highest concentration of psychopaths. The state with the most? Connecticut. Because apparently the District of Columbia counts Congress and the President as visitors.

China is reportedly recruiting U.S. spies via LinkedIn — then, dropping them if they update their LinkedIn profile to read Chinese Government Spy.

For the third consecutive year, In-N-Out Burger has donated at least $25,000 to the California Republican Party, leading some Democrats to call for a boycott. In an attempt to capitalize on the negative publicity, rival burger chain Jack In The Box donated $25,000 to victims of families who died eating at Jack In The Box.

Senator John McCain’s body was flown from Arizona to Washington DC to lie in state at the Capitol. His plane crossed paths with Air Force One, which flew the President to lie in a rally in Indiana.

WSAZ-TV meteorologist Chelsea Ambriz was charged with misdemeanor battery after she shoved down station news anchor Erica Bivens during a fight, fracturing her skull. Bivens allegedly accused Ambriz of hitting on her husband, and Ambriz used a fast-moving high-pressure system to deck Bivens.

A brawl broke out on an easyJet flight from London to Ibiza after a woman passenger allegedly “gave lap dances”, flashed her breasts, and did cartwheels down the plane aisle. An easyJet spokesperson said that the offending passenger and her friends were escorted off the plane, and that registrations for easyJet’s Frequent Flyer program are up 5000%.

Nicki Minaj appeared on ‘Ellen’ and said that she’s dating two men at the same time – she’s assigned them separate butt cheeks, and they’ve never met each other.

Adults in the U.S. consumed more than 17 billion “binge drinks” in the U.S. in 2015 [the most recent data available] according to the Centers for Disease Control. Binge drinks are defined as 5 or more within two hours.  Experts claim the number is really higher, citing the difficulty keeping track of funnels and butt-chugs.

An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll cites 54% of Americans believe kneeling during the national anthem is ‘not appropriate’. Although 98% of NFL fans believe that sitting in a recliner during the anthem with nacho cheese and tortilla crumbs on your shirt is still okay.

Ariana Grande and fiancée Pete Davidson reportedly have matching pink Motorola Razr flip phones, so they can each imagine calling each other when they were 12 years old.

 

 

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A UPS driver’s failed delivery note to a North Carolina household has gone viral. Unable to deliver the package, the driver left a company-issued post-it stuck in the mailbox reading “bear in driveway”. The homeowner wasn’t upset, but regrets hiring the bear to wash her car.

Kyle Greene, an independent candidate for Minnesota state representative released a controversial campaign ad where he states “I want to be your n***er.” Minnesota racists expressed their pleasure with a more effective use of tax dollars.

The New York Police Department sent its official beekeeper to remove a swarm of bees that descended on a hot dog cart in the middle of Times Square. The bees were there to express their outrage at tourists asking for ketchup to put on their hot dogs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics updated guidelines for placing children in rear-facing car seats. Old guidelines stipulated children ride in rear-facing seats until age 2; now the Academy says parents should continue to use rear-facing seats as long as children can comfortably fit in them and vomit on road trips.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo debated fellow Democratic gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon at Hofstra University on Wednesday night. Nixon’s team unsuccessfully asked the room temperature be raised from 69 to 76 degress, calling cold work environments “sexist”. Cuomo’s team thought that Nixon, a lesbian, would be okay at 69.

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill designating surfing as the official state sport – disappointing those who had lobbied for the official sport to be either skateboarding, or bitching about Nancy Pelosi.

China’s largest search engine, Baidu, is suing a Chinese comedian – known only as Sun -for posting a joke making fun of Baidu’s CEO Robin Li. The comedian is wondering if Baidu hated the joke so much, how did it end up so high in search results?

U.S. startup Lime is now offering rentals of its electric scooters in Paris, allowing pedestrians to smell that familiar breeze of Parisians not wearing deodorant to come at them even faster.

Sears kicked off store-closing liquidation sales at 13 KMarts and 33 Sears department store locations – for anyone interested in seeing 80-year-old women fighting over the last pair of size 4 stretch pants.

Aretha Franklin’s funeral will be 6 1/2 hours long, featuring multiple musical performances, eulogies, and an appearance by Tyler Perry. Perry chose not to appear as Madea since he was worried mourners would think Franklin had come back to life.

 

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European airline TUI Airways is being criticized for sexism — giving out Future Pilot stickers to young male passengers and Future Cabin Crew stickers to young female passengers. Worse, they’re being accused of racism for passing out Future Terrorist stickers to some children.

Safari tourists at Kruger National Park in South Africa stared in disbelief as the largest pride of lions ever recorded there — 15 in all — walked past the tour group. The tourists filmed while the leader of the pride asked “seen any wildebeests?” then left shaking his head as the tourists said ‘no’.

President Trump said that Google search results for the term “Trump News” were “rigged” to show negative coverage from mainstream news outlets.  Google denied it, but the top search results for “Tramp News” are nude pictures from Melania’s modeling career.

Bob Costas is rumored to be leaving NBC Sports after nearly 40 years. Costas is said to want to work elsewhere on a sports journalism show, while NBC is looking to save money spent coloring Costas’ hair.

John McCain’s body will lie in state at the U.S. Capitol on Sunday, with additional memorials planned for Arizona and the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis. Not to be outdone, President Trump announced that when he dies he’ll lie in state at the McDonald’s drive-thru near the White House.

Twitter announced it had shut down an additional 484 accounts this week for what it called ‘coordinated manipulation’ by an overseas misinformation network. Donald Trump was allowed to keep his @realdonaldtrump account despite Twitter finding him guilty of ‘uncoordinated manipulation’.

For the first time in 50 years, a future NASA astronaut quit in the middle of the two-year training program. 34-year-old Robb Kulin cited ‘personal reasons’ for his decision, although the other members of his training class said he just spaced out.

Dr Gail Bolan, head of the Centers for Disease Control’s Division for STD Prevention, said that sexually transmitted disease in the U.S. hit record levels for the fourth straight year. “After decades of declining STD rates, we’ve been sliding backwards” Bolan said. This confused teenagers with gonorrhea and syphilis, who said they got it sliding forward and backwards.

A magnitude 4.4 earthquake hit Southern California Tuesday evening, during an MLB game between the Colorado Rockies and Los Angeles Angels. Umpires called a balk when the pitcher’s mound moved.

Ariana Grande will perform at Aretha Franklin’s funeral. Morticians promptly bumped up the width of the late singer’s casket to provide her more room to spin in it.

 

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Bocco, a chimpanzee at the Miami Zoo, died unexpectedly at age 28. Chimpanzees life spans average between 50 and 60 years. A necropsy is scheduled to review cause of death, but investigators are using sign language to ask questions of Bocco’s ex-girlfriend, who was seen throwing her feces at him earlier in the day.

A 10-year-old boy was punished for calling his fifth-grade teacher “ma’am”, having to write “ma’am” four times on each line of a sheet of paper. The student’s parents objected, and had him assigned to a different teacher. As the boy left, he presented his old teacher with the phrase “later, bitch” written four times on every line of a sheet of paper.

ESPN’s morning talk show flop, ‘Get Up’, is scaling back from three hours to two, and is losing co-host Michelle Beadle. Beadle will relocate to Los Angeles to host her own show, ‘Get Lost’.

Louis CK performed stand-up at New York’s Comedy Cellar on Sunday night, the first time he’s performed since admitting to sexual harassment and masturbating in front of women. The audience was reportedly happy to see him pull out some new material.

According to Hollywood trade website TheWrap, Ben Affleck may lose his Batman role due to post-rehab insurance costs. Hearing the news, Henry ‘Superman’ Cavill, Gal ‘Wonder Woman’ Gadot, and Jesse ‘Lex Luthor’ Eisenberg have all started drinking to see if they, too, could lose their jobs in future DC Comics universe movies.

President Trump changed course and re-lowered the White House flag to half staff in honor of deceased Senator and decorated war veteran John McCain. Melania Trump has also hidden the President’s medication to keep him at half-staff or below for the foreseeable future.

New data from low-income lender Earnin says that Netflix’ latest price hike to $13.99/month may have scared away low-income consumers, especially the ones who can’t afford internet service or a television.

A Canadian woman’s profanity-laced Facebook post has gone viral, after she canceled her wedding because invited guests refused to pay a $1,500/person “attendance fee.” People on the guest list claim that the plan may have actually worked, if the reception not had a cash bar.

Tabitha Frost, 29, a California mom with hyperlactation syndrome — overproduction of breast milk – has donated over 1,000 pints of breast milk to mothers having difficulty producing. She pumps every three hours, which she likens to a full-time job. Frost says she also sells milk to pay to clean the shirts of friends that she hugs.

Eddie Murphy’s girlfriend Paige Butcher is pregnant with his 10th child – or, the 11th showing of Eddie Murphy Raw.

 

 

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A Newark, New Jersey high school installed a laundry room, after poorer students were bullied and teased for wearing dirty clothes. Students now use the laundry room frequently, but school security now reports having to deal with fights between the rival Downy and Snuggle gangs.

A new study in medical journal The Lancet concludes there is no level of alcohol consumption that is beneficial for your health – citing accidents, impaired judgment, and negative effects on major organs. Doctors who authored the study weren’t sure at first that it was accurate, but then they drank a few shots and were totally confident in it.

Angelina Jolie has changed divorce lawyers, citing creative differences.

Disney announced the name of their new Netflix-rival streaming service will be called ‘Disney Play’, named after what kids won’t be doing while using it.

Actor/director Asia Argento has been fired as a judge on ‘X Factor Italy’ after reports that she paid a six-figure settlement to a 17-year-old boy with whom she had sex. However, Argento has been offered a new gig on ‘XXX Factor’.

Brandon Johnson – singer Demi Lovato’s alleged drug dealer – said in an interview with TMZ that Lovato “100 percent knew (the strength of) what she was taking” on the night she overdosed. Johnson has established a unique place in the drug-dealing community by doing media interviews about being a drug dealer.

Yanise Ho, 23, calling herself ‘The Bladress’, is Rollerblading from Miami to New York to Portland by herself to promote female empowerment. She carries a 43-pound backpack and will only accept food, shelter and skate parts from strangers – no money. She said her biggest issues are shoulder and foot pain, and hanging on to the backs of tractor-trailers for long periods of time.

Dancing With The Stars pro dancer Witney Carson had a malignant mole removed from the top of her foot after a biopsy revealed it was melanoma. She has a favorable prognosis for recovery, but for the near future, her two-step will really be more of a one-step.

A 1962 Ferrari 250 GTO sold for $48 million at auction – a world record for any car ever sold at auction. The anonymous buyer is shilling out another million to have all the trees cut down on his driveway for when his teen son drives it.

The U.S. and Mexico have tentatively struck a new trade deal that could reshape economic relations from NAFTA related to auto manufacturing. The U.S. has seen its volume of vehicles manufactured drop – the new deal would potentially restore that number, and create jobs for Mexican immigrant children separated from their parents.

 

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Former NFL lineman Richie Incognito was arrested at his father’s funeral for threatening funeral home employees– he reportedly was so deranged that he “wanted his father’s head cut off for research purposes”.  Funeral employees offered to cut Richie’s head off also as a 2-for-1 special, and let mourners guess whose brain shows signs of CTE.

National Inquirer tabloid CEO David Pecker was granted immunity in exchange for his testimony into Donald Trump’s alleged hush payments to women during the 2016 presidential election. Bill Clinton told friends he wishes he’d been granted ‘pecker immunity’ to avoid impeachment in the 90s.

The State Department orders a travel advisory for Americans headed to Mexico after 8 dead bodies were found near Cancun. Mexican officials called the 8 murders “a light day”.

A Florida judge who was arrested on firearms charges last week reportedly shot and killed himself amid a hostage standoff with police, but only after calling for a lengthy recess.

President Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani said that Americans “would revolt” if Trump gets impeached. “We would, but who has time cause we all have great jobs!” said sarcastic Americans.

GOP Rep. Duncan Hunter, indicted for stealing $250,000 in campaign funds for personal use, threw his wife Margaret under the bus, saying she was in charge of family and campaign expenses. It’s the first sign that Hunter’s legal team will be using the “Women Be Shoppin!” defense strategy.

President Trump told Fox & Friends that he thinks “flipping” – prosecution leniency in exchange for witness testimony – should be illegal. Trump appeared on the show holding a Glock while wearing a “snitches get stitches” wifebeater & a black nylon do-rag.

Physical therapists report a rise in treatment of injuries suffered while texting and walking — including sprains, concussions from falls, and massive total-body trauma from being hit by people texting and driving.

Netflix is testing advertisements that run between episodes and movies. Some users are outraged, while others are frustrated at not being able to binge watch old ladies falling who can’t get up.

Shares of Korean casino corporation Landing International crashed by 50% after word that the company’s CEO, Yang Zhihui, was missing and unreachable. Panic ensued after a company spokesperson said that they’ve “looked everywhere – even the Champagne Room.”

 

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New England Patriots QB Tom Brady is trying out a new helmet, since his old model is being phased out by the NFL for not offering sufficient protection. The new helmet has a protective panel in front – if an opposing player creates a breeze near it, the yellow flag automatically flies out of the referee’s pocket.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has issued a cease & desist letter to President Trump’s attorneys, demanding that Aerosmith songs no longer be played at the President’s rallies – as was the case this week in West Virginia, when ‘Livin On the Edge’ played before the event. Kid Rock said Trump could use his music – but attendees begged Trump not to.

Three men in Clearfield County, Pennsylvania are accused of sexually abusing dogs, horses, a cow and a goat more than 1,000 times. Authorities confiscated a “large volume of homemade videos” — along with a giant stash of peanut butter, several bottles of Polo cologne, and size XXXXXXL lingerie.

Students at Harriman Middle School in Tennessee started the school year by leaving brightly-colored notes with positive messages all around the school. Notes say things like “if you believe it or not, someone loves you”; “never give up – stay strong”; & “here’s a map with the fastest way out of Tennessee.”

A Harvard professor’s video calling coconut oil “pure poison” has gone viral. Coconut oil has a higher concentration of saturated fat than butter, beef fat or pork lard. The Harvard findings were disputed by The Professor on Gilligan’s Island, who claims coconut oil is necessary for survival.

Netflix will debut a new game show, ‘Flinch’, where contestants must follow one simple rule: do not flinch. So far, all of the contestants have been eliminated after being shown the first few minutes of Amy Schumer: The Leather Special.

A Democratic congressman from Texas has called for President Trump to resign or be impeached. “This is a sad time for our country” said Representative Al Green. His words were rebutted by a Republican congressman, who told Al Green “let’s stay together”.

Vidanta, a collection of premier destination resorts across Mexico, is offering a $120,000/year job to a lucky applicant to be their Brand Ambassador. A spokesman said the selected applicant will “immerse themselves in each of our resort destinations”. Candidates who ace the interview will also be asked to fly home with several condoms full of confectioners sugar in their lower intestine.

Ben Affleck has reportedly checked into rehab for a third time after wife Jennifer Garner staged an intervention. It’s Garner’s first time directing.

Kim Kardashian says she’s “really proud” of her 116-pound figure — adding that since each breast and buttock weighs 30 pounds, she’s had to suck a lot of helium.

 

 

 

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Maryjane Behforouz, 48, of Indianapolis, needed the help of a Harvard Medical School professor to solve the mystery of a “crunching noise” in her head that persisted for over a year. The professor, Dr Konstantina Stankovic, discovered a small broken bone in the ear was compounding behavioral issues, which she termed ‘Funyunitis.’

A jury found former Trump presidential campaign manager Paul Manafort guilty on 8 of 18 counts of bank fraud and tax evasion. His lawyers are expected to plead for leniency at sentencing, and to plead with Manafort not to wear the ostrich skin jacket when they do.

Portland-based artist Michael Schneider posted a series of photos to Twitter of getting engaged to a “boyfriend” constructed of wine boxes.  Every gay man in love should be so lucky as to have a partner with eight spouts.

Comedian Kathy Griffin posted a video of herself dancing topless to celebrate the Paul Manafort guilty verdicts, and Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s plea deal. It’s every bit as hard to watch as her other stand up.

Barnum’s Animals animal cracker boxes now depict the elephants, lions and giraffes as cage free – although children are horrified at the images of lions killing giraffes.

Ben Affleck was photographed receiving a delivery of Johnnie Walker blue-label scotch at his home Monday, where his new Playboy playmate whiskey-loving girlfriend Shauna Sexton had spent the night. “Leave the bottle” said Sexton, as she set about forgetting the two hours she’d spent watching Justice League.

Olive Garden is bringing back its Never Ending Pasta Pass, where, for $100, holders get eight weeks of unlimited pasta. To ensure prompt seating, Pasta Pass holders will also get the table buzzer surgically attached to their body.

Ricardo Benitez, 4′ 2″ 100-pound wide receiver who was born without femurs, will be a walk-on tryout for the Baylor University football team. Benitez has a GoFundMe to raise $20,000 to attend the school, and for a special helmet to protect his from concussions when his head collides with opponents’ belt buckles.

Illusionist David Blaine is rumored to be dating supermodel Naomi Campbell. “And now, please welcome my lovely assistant who will make my penis…disappear!” Blaine said.

Former NBA star Lamar Odom said that he suffered 12 strokes and 6 heart attacks as he lay in a coma following a drug overdose — just 6 heart attacks away from a double-double.

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A woman walking her dog in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina was killed by an alligator. The dog escaped without injury, and is being called a ‘canine of interest’ in a possible murder-for-hire plot.

Russian officials say that accused spy Maria Butina – held without bail in a Virginia prison – is a victim of ‘borderline torture’. U.S. officials said if Russia wants, they can transfer her to Guantanamo Bay for over-the-borderline torture.

Maulik Majmudar, associate director of the Healthcare Transformation Lab at Massachusetts General Hospital, announced on Twitter he’s moving to “an exciting ..role at Amazon.” It’s unclear whether the veteran cardiologist is planning to help Amazon move into healthcare, or just resuscitate overworked Amazon warehouse employees.

A Delaware animal clinic says that a local pony was sexually assaulted in a barn by one or more people. The pony is being treated, and its story will be the season opener for Law & Order: SVU, as soon as they can cast the role of the pony.

A man in Northeast Philadelphia jumped from a 2nd story window to escape intruders that broke into his home. The man was injured, but survived, and the intruders were delighted to finally have the place to themselves.

The Eagles: Their Greatest Hits [1971-1975] was certified as the biggest-selling album in U.S. history, at 38 million units, surpassing Michael Jackson’s Thriller at 33 million. The Recording Industry of America says many of the Eagles sales are digital, to replace vinyl, cassette and CD copies that people broke to keep from having to hear it again.

Fox News commenter Tomi Lahren gained attention for her tweet which read “Truth is the new hate speech”. Ironically, considering the truth that Tomi Lahren is a total moron, …she’s kind of right.

Ronda Rousey took the WWE Women’s Championship with a win over Alexa Bliss in the SummerSlam co-main event.  Rousey was listed as the favorite of whoever scripted how the fight turned out.

Archaeologists exploring a rural field in Kansas believe they’ve found arrowheads, pots and other remnants of an ancient lost city. Similarly, summer tourists passing near the dig site believe they’ve found the remnants of an ancient, lost city– Wichita.

A police officer in Argentina is being praised after photos emerged of her breastfeeding a malnourished baby in a Buenos Aires hospital – and while rejecting the advances of other patients who said they hadn’t eaten in days.

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Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf set up a hotline for residents to call for assistance following last week’s devastating flooding – provided your phone still works after being submerged in flood water.

Washington Capitals’ Alex Ovechkin announced the arrival of his first child, Sergei. Ovechkin’s wife delivered the baby via five-hole.

A new study from Arizona State University claims that disposable contact lenses flushed into the sewer are adding to the plastic waste contaminating the oceans. However, the lenses are also helping nearsighted fish see sharks further away and avoid being eaten.

The New York Times reported that Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team investigating Russian election interference has interviewed White House attorney Don McGahn for over 30 hours. Mueller’s team said they were done after 3 hours, but McGahn didn’t feel like going back to the White House.

A 47-year-old Massachusetts man was arrested after a fight broke out between two foursomes on a golf course. The arrested man bit off another player’s finger during the fight, while a more helpful player hit it out of a sand trap to within six feet of an EMT standing by the pin.

2 Chainz got married — now he’s Ball n’ 2 Chainz.

Nemesio Oseguera Cervantes, known as “El Mencho,” was named the most-wanted drug kingpin in North America, as Mexican and U.S. authorities put a $6.5 million bounty for capture of the leader of the Jalisco New Generation cartel. El Mencho is not to be confused with Harvey “El Menscho” Mensch, all-around great guy at Jalisco’s Hebrew Temple Beth El.

Conde Nast Traveler magazine readers named the world’s 11 Most Friendly Cities, topped by San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. Two Mexican cities and two in Ireland made the list. while no U.S. cities were named — this despite Philadelphia’s “vote for f***in Philadelphia, already, you pussies!” campaign.

Pokémon Go publisher Niantic has launched a new parental login portal for the popular mobile game so that parents can monitor their children’s activity, and, in all likelihood, suck the fun out of it.

A sixth-grade teacher in Georgia donated a kidney to one of his students, and later donated a C- to the essay that the student wrote about it.