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Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene said she was attacked in a restaurant by an “insane woman”. Meanwhile, in the same restaurant, an insane woman was the victim of an attack.

Dictionary.com announced they’ve added 313 new entries, many related to online activity, such as ‘queerbaiting‘ – marketing to LGBTQ+ persons without inclusion of those same people. It also means the best way to catch homosexual fish.

As justices consider the legality of President Biden’s debt relief plan, student loan borrowers camped outside the Supreme Court – because it sure beats working.

Tesla will build a new auto factory in Monterrey, Mexico. The facility will make Tesla sedans & Cybertrucks and deliver them to the U.S. once they’re loaded with cocaine.

Vladimir Putin awarded actor Steven Seagal Russia’s Order Of Friendship, honoring Seagal’s “great contribution to the development of international cultural and humanitarian cooperation”, while admitting he couldn’t sit through any of Seagal’s last five movies.

As weight training surges in popularity, Planet Fitness is reducing the number of cardio machines to make more room for benches, dumbbells and body-weight exercises. They’re also providing members with heavier pizzas and donuts.

Two Vermont State Troopers are on leave while they’re investigated for racist & misogynistic comments they made while playing an online game. Vermont State Police were called by parents of 7-year-olds who didn’t know what the words meant while they played Mario Kart.

A new report concludes murderers in the United States have a 50% chance of getting away with it. Another report criticized marriage counselors who bring this up during their sessions.

A kidnapping victim in Vermont was able to escape in her captor’s vehicle with her hands still bound together with duct tape. It’s even more impressive since the car was a five-speed stick-shift.

An Italian mob boss escaped from his maximum-security prison cell using a rope made of bedsheets he’d tied together. The warden said prisoners will no longer be enrolled in classes and given merit badges for knot-tying.

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A Royersford, Pennsylvania Chick-fil-A restaurant will no longer allow children under 16 to dine inside without a parent or guardian after a series of “unacceptable behaviors”. They are, however, welcome to steal a car and use the drive-thru.

Elon Musk fired Twitter product manager Esther Crawford, who’d posted photos of herself sleeping on her office floor to meet Musk’s work demands. Still, Musk was unhappy with her, and with the fact that he wasn’t sleeping on the floor with her.

Heinz wants to buy a new boat for Elvis Francois, a sailor who’d been lost at sea for weeks and survived by eating their ketchup. They also want to pay for surgery after he dislocated his shoulders shaking the ketchup out of the bottle.

Parent company Meta launched a campaign on Facebook & Instagram to battle “revenge porn” – posting intimate or nude photos of someone to bully or extort them. The campaign is called “Take It Down”, after criticism of its original name, “Take It Off”.

Former ‘Teen Mom’ Farrah Abraham defended her 14-year-old daughter getting face piercings for her birthday, saying she’s not “doing drugs, drinking, or having sex” – adding that those are saved for her next three birthdays.

Voting ends on Tuesday in Chicago’s mayoral election, with incumbent Lori Lightfoot seeking a second term. Those having difficulty getting to a polling place or ballot drop are urged to contact the Bureau of Elections, who will send a carjacker to assist them.

An 8-year-old boy was rescued and is recovering after being found hanging by his neck from a rope ladder at a Pennsylvania indoor “adventure park”. Police spoke with other 8-year-olds at the birthday party, who’d convicted him of stealing their goodie bags.

Dr. Peter Driscoll, a New Jersey plastic surgeon, lost his medical license after asking a female patient to fondle his genitals in the operating room to “get motivated” to perform her procedure, known as a Nose & Hand Job.

A New York City teacher gave a presentation to middle schoolers in the Gay Straight Alliance Club, assigning different gender & sexual identities to Nintendo characters. She asserts that Mario and Princess Peach are gay, leaving LGBT students questioning what Donkey Kong was even rolling the barrels for.

A white student is suing historically black Howard University for $2 million, claiming he was a victim of “public ostracism, vilification & humiliation” during his two years there attending law school. Howard said they plan a full investigation to determine who the hell let him in to begin with.

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Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers returned from his self-described four-day “darkness retreat” as rumors swirl around a trade. This is different from his recent 31-day darkness retreat – living in a Green Bay apartment all of January.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled over 2 million Cosori air fryers because they can overheat and catch fire. Owners are advsed to return the units, or keep them if you like your chicken wings well-done.

Jesse Armstrong, creator of HBO hit series ‘Succession‘, announced Season 4 will be its last. Several assistant producers are currently battling to see who will run the sequel.

Cocaine Bear – a fictionalized account of a bear that ingests cocaine dumped by smugglers – premieres in theaters today. Also premiering is ‘Cocaine Bare’ – Donald Trump Jr doing a new YouTube video in the nude.

For the first time in 15 years, the American Academy of Pediatrics released guidelines for dealing with childhood obesity. Shockingly, replacing french fries with apple slices in Happy Meals isn’t cutting it.

A regulatory group ruled Miller Coors ads can’t say rival light beers “taste like water” because there’s no proof of the claim. In the same opinion, they ruled companies are allowed to make a provable claim that all U.S. light beers “taste like piss”.

Expecting mom Rihanna will perform her nominated song ‘Lift Me Up’ at the 2023 Oscars. It’s expected to be even lower-energy than her Super Bowl halftime show, so she’ll also say “Lift Me Up” from her chair after she’s finished singing it.

A U.K. fire chief banned the term “fireman” because it’s sexist. He then appeared at a 5th grade Career Day, where he heard from kids who want to be combustion extinguishers when they grow up.

A Mar a Lago visitor claims Donald Trump is “DJ-ing” at the club every Thursday night, playing songs from his iPad. Members are happy to see him, but say it’s not easy dancing to Camptown Races and God Bless The USA.

In a viral TikTok video, a woman who claims to have a “low waste” home says she makes “reusable toilet paper” out of old pajamas. Of the ten friends her daughter invited to a sleepover, she’s received ten “No”s.

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Paris Hilton & Carter Reum announced the name of their baby boy is Phoenix Barron Hilton Reum. She added now that the Super Bowl is over, you, too, can get a Phoenix Hilton Reum for $249/night.

Tiffany Miles, 36, was arrested after her American Airlines flight was diverted because she pounded on the cockpit door demanding a drink. “Sit down and buy your own!” replied the pilot and co-pilot as they split a handle of vodka.

Donald Trump visited the site of the train wreck in East Palestine, Ohio wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat – because the loss of thousands of gallons of toxic chemicals prevented him from styling his hair.

Trump visited East Palestine because seeing such a huge train wreck brought back fond memories of January 6th.

Trump ended his visit to East Palestine with a trip to McDonald’s to buy meals for responders and residents – though most turned him down, saying they were already sick.

President Joe Biden also plans to visit East Palestine, and said he’d provide the region with $500 million in missiles and tanks.

A wedding planner shared a story on her podcast alleging that, prior to a ceremony she’d planned, the bride-to-be walked in on her husband-to-be being breastfed by his mother. No word on if the wedding happened, only that the bride was happy she missed the diaper change.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said “things have gone sour” for young people. He still opposes worker unions, but is willing to do whatever else he can to ensure younger customers can afford $10 coffee drinks.

Harvey Weinstein, already serving a 23-year sentence for sexual assault in New York, is expected to receive another stiff sentence for his recent conviction in California. Weinstein’s attorney said he’s expecting another 20+ years, but Harvey probably can’t deliver on the stiff part anymore.

A four-foot alligator pulled from a lake in Brooklyn was found to have swallowed a four-inch wide bathtub stopper, and is being nursed back to health at the Bronx Zoo. When veterinarians removed the stopper, four small dogs came spinning out.

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A woman who’d been held captive by a man for nearly a year fled to freedom when they stopped at a New Jersey gas station. The man was arrested and the woman is looking forward to ending her long nightmare of being stuck in New Jersey.

CNN’s Don Lemon returned to the news network after posting an online apology for saying GOP Presidential candidate Nikki Haley was “past her prime”. Donald Trump weighed in, saying for once, he agreed with Don Lemon.

New research finds the best treatment for low back pain is a combination of over-the-counter drugs like ibuprofen or naproxen taken along with presecription muscle relaxers. The second-best is getting drunk in a recliner.

A woman who left the UK as a teen to join ISIS lost her appeal to regain British citizenship. She was, however, elected Snack Mom for her local sleeper cell.

The Atlanta Hawks fired head coach Nate McMillan. According to NBA league rules, McMillan will be offered another head coaching job once a vacancy opens up.

Starbucks will launch Oleato beverages in the U.S. – coffee drinks containing a spoonful of olive oil. They’re expected to make your post-caffeine sprint to the restroom a little more comfortable.

The National Weather Service confirmed a tornado touched down in Mercer County, New Jersey, but left quickly because it was super-close to an exit.

Rapper Da Brat is pregnant at age 48. This is her first pregnancy; her wife has three Da Brats from a previous relationship.

GOP Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene sparked controversy by calling for a “national divorce”, with red states leaving the U.S. over “woke” policies and support for foreign wars. But for starters she’ll settle for a national affair with a tantric sex guy from her gym.

Iggy Azalea said she’s made “so much money” since joining OnlyFans in January. She said she shows her bare breasts and buttocks but not her vagina, and that the only time she lost subscribers is when she started rapping again.

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President Biden made a secret trip to Kyiv, Ukraine to visit President Volodymyr Zelenskyy on the anniversary of Russia’s invasion. The White House is secretive on the details, but reportedly Biden asked multiple times why it was taking so long to get to Delaware.

Britney Griner will return to the WNBA, signing a one-year deal with the Phoenix Mercury. She was then traded to the Las Vegas Aces in exchange for convicted arms dealer Viktor Bout.

Kendall Jenner is rumored to be dating pop star Bad Bunny. Meanwhile, Khloe Kardashian was dumped by his cousin, Tad Bunny.

ABC’s The Bachelor will debut a senior citizen edition – where an eligible older gentleman eliminates prospective female partners by not giving them roses or seats in his booth at Cracker Barrel.

Free speech advocates are angry that Roald Dahl books like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are being selectively edited. For instance, Augustus Gloop is no longer referred to as “fat” – but Veruca Salt is still a bitch.

United Airlines announced they’ll no longer charge families an extra fee for sitting together – and they’ll even duct tape your kids to their seats at no charge.

Home Depot announced they’ll spend another $1 billion dollars this year to increase pay and benefits for hourly workers who can’t tell you where the items are that you’re looking for.

Spain became the first country in Europe to entitle workers to paid menstrual leave. Four construction workers in Madrid are suing after being fired for identifying as menstruating women.

Household debt hit a record $16.9 trillion last quarter – an estimated $5 trillion comprised of husband & boyfriend Christmas gifts where the recipient “loved” it, but will never use or wear it.

Aussie porn star Liam Ellis said he injured his penis during a recent shoot, causing it to turn black. The good news is he’s now included in the ‘ebony’ category on Pornhub.

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In Germany, a ballet director was fired two days after smearing dog feces on the face of a critic who’d written a negative review. Nonetheless, the company’s principal dancer in Swan Lake will continue to be a Jack Russell terrier.

In Philadelphia, police are looking for a suspect who shot a woman, then fled after placing her in a golf cart. They’re concerned the woman may have suffered serious injuries on her 4th hole.

Facebook & Instagram announced they’re adding paid verification. For $15/month, your accounts can still be hacked, and Facebook & Instagram will verify it.

A decorative helicopter fell at the American Dream indoor water park in New Jersey, injuring several children. The park will offer PTSD counseling for the kids with Iraq war veterans who also saw downed helicopters.

A woman on a dating site claims she was “fatfished” by her male date, who was at least 40 pounds heavier than he appeared in profile photos. In response, the guy claims he was “flatfished” because she stuffed her bra in her pics.

Bravo host Andy Cohen said the Real Housewives reality shows “gave women over 50 a platform to express their sexuality”. Viewers hope that someday a different show will give women over 50 a platform to express a shred of intelligence and human decency.

Tiger Woods errant shot on the 13th hole at the Genesis Invitational ended with his ball landing in a fan’s jacket. That same night two of his balls landed between the legs of a server he met at Hooters.

A 1787 letter from George Washington is going to auction. In it, the future first President tells of financial struggles and a desire to sell land to raise money after finding out there was a $50 deductible on his wooden dental insurance.

A 57-year-old Florida woman arrested on shoplifting charges told cops performing a strip search that a used crack pipe protruding from her vagina was a sex toy. She then reached behind her and produced the receipt for it.

The City of London, England will provide free meals to all children in primary schools, as families struggle with inflation, and their kids struggle with the realization that British cooking is terrible.

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A Miami preschool is under fire for posting photos of 1-year-olds in blackface to recognize Black History Month. The school owner apologized and promised to better supervise finger-painting time.

Tesla recalled 362,000 vehicles equipped with its ‘full self-driving’ system. The recall is to fix a software glitch causing self-driving cars to ignore recall notices and drive somewhere else.

Apple+ premiered the trailer for new film Tetris, starring Taron Egerton, and introducing L-Shaped Block.

The School District of Philadelphia announced they’re taking action to prevent a bedbug infestation in classrooms. Initially, they were hoping the bedbugs would just drop out.

Dallas Cowboys defensive back Trayvon Diggs is reportedly being sued by his landlord for $250,000 in unpaid rent. He and the landlord disagree on his ability to cover it.

A Louisiana law requires age verification to access pornographic content. For the first time, thousands of Louisiana teenagers want to know their dad’s birthday.

Tiger Woods finished -2 after one round of the Genesis Invitational, the same tournament that took place when he was seriously injured in a vehicle crash in 2021. Woods hopes to make the cut two years after missing the highway.

Olivia Newton-John’s daughter revealed her last words, “my sunshine”. To which her daughter replied “tell me about it, stud”.

An Indonesian man allegedly murdered his fiancee after she accused him of having sex with a cow. Worse, the cow had agreed to be her Milkmaid Of Honor.

An Irish man died after being mauled to death by a chicken. Three police officers were treated for lacerations attempting to put handcuffs on it.

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Researchers created a male birth control pill that stops sperm from swimming for an hour after being taken – or, about 20 times more effective than it has to be.

Kia & Hyundai dealers are offering free software updates for over a million cars to repair a vulnerability where they can be started using a USB port. Thieves who intended to steal updated cars while parked will be offered free carjacking lessons.

The operator of a basketball free-throw game on the Jersey Shore boardwalk was banned 10 years for rigging the games by overinflating the balls. Additionally they were fined 20,000 stuffed animals.

As inflation drives the national average price of a dozen Grade A large eggs to $4.79, a Walmart deal offering 18 eggs for $2 went viral. Walmart verified that the deal is genuine, and even offered journalists a tour of the seagull hatchery.

A new study links sleeping pill use with an increased risk of dementia. Or maybe it was a different pill, the study participants aren’t really sure.

John Travolta vowed never to be with another woman following the death of wife Kelly Preston – which pretty much confirms all the rumors.

Florida wildlife researchers tracked and killed an invasive Burmese python, a 66-pound female carrying 100 eggs. The researchers were then arrested for violating the state’s abortion laws.

Legendary actress and sex symbol Raquel Welch passed away at age 82. She will be laid to rest in a specially-designed 36DD casket.

Kendall Jenner was accused of Photoshopping her latest bikini photos because of the unusual appearance of her hands. Jenner denied the claims, saying she doesn’t know how to use a computer or smartphone.

Former NFL head coach and ESPN Sunday NFL Countdown panelist Rex Ryan is a candidate for the Denver Broncos defensive coordinator job. He reportedly interviewed with Broncos head coach Sean Payton, until Payton begged him to shut up.

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Pensacola Christian College in Florida canceled a concert by British a capella group The King’s Singers after discovering one of the members is gay, and The Dean’s Grindr Date.

A U.K. man filming Discovery Channel’s ‘Naked and Afraid’ was treated after burning his penis sleeping nude next to an open fire. He was also treated for roasted nuts.

McDonald’s introduced the Cardi B. & Offset Meal = the only fast-food combo that requires a prenup.

McDonald’s is also suing Popeye’s after they introduced the Offset Side Piece Meal.

Republican Nikki Haley officially announced a run for President in 2024, challenging Donald Trump. Trump said he wouldn’t support her candidacy, but ‘would’ do other stuff.

First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon resigned, citing the “brutality” of public life as a national leader – adding there’s no truth to the rumor of a military coup led by a Sturgeon General.

Taylor Schabusiness, a 25-year-old woman facing murder charges for decapitating her boyfriend, putting the head in a bucket with his severed penis, and shoving other body parts in a Crock Pot, attacked her lawyer during a hearing regarding her mental competency and trial date. “I need to see more evidence” said the judge.

Scientists claim they can “switch off” autism symptoms in mice by giving them a $3 pill used to treat epilepsy. Results were delayed by challenges finding mice on the autism spectrum who could come up with the three bucks.

An inmate tried to escape a Bolivian prison by disguising himself as a sheep. He was apprehended after guards were alerted by a different inmate dressed as a wolf.

Porn actress Angela White was reportedly hospitalized after her appendix burst while filming a sex scene with male partner Keiran Lee. Both the director and the emergency room surgeon yelled “cut!”.