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The National Football League announced the 2023 salary cap for each team increases to $224.8 million, up from $208.2 million in 2022. To keep players from getting raises, team owners hired human resources execs to give “needs improvement” performance reviews.

U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy said that 13-year-olds are too young to be on social media – needing several more years to hone their bullying skills to cut it.

52,000 pounds of Italian cold cuts were recalled for possible listeria contamination, or – as it’s more commonly known in the Italian community – E.gabbagoli.

Google fired over 12,000 employees, including over 24 in-house massage therapists, making it an unhappy ending for everyone.

Striking ‘Robin Hood’ energy workers in France are punishing their employers by giving free power to low-income households, schools and hospitals. It’s unclear how many recipients of the free power will actually use it to take a hot shower for once.

Ira ‘Bob’ Born, creator of marshmallow Peeps, passed away at age 98, after a failed attempt to revive him by putting him in a microwave.

Michael Jackson will be portrayed by his nephew, Jaafar, in a new biopic. As he prepares for the role, Jaafar has been banned from all Chuck E. Cheese locations.

A former school district official in a Chicago suburb was charged with embezzling $1.5 million worth of chicken wings. What began as a mild investigation grew hot, then became career suicide.

School districts are reconsidering the “run, hide, fight” strategy used during active shooter events, with some recommending confronting the shooter immediately. This, following administrators’ extensive consultations with Batman.

An attorney repsenting Cook County, Illinois announced they’ve dropped sex abuse charges against R. Kelly. However Kelly’s attorney said this brings her client “no relief”, that Kelly will only be happy when he’s free, and back among women relieving himself.

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After the NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles earned a trip to the Super Bowl, New York’s Empire State Building turned their lights green & white to honor them – an act of sportsmanship that somehow managed to infuriate both cities.

The New Super Mario Bros Movie trailer premiered during the NFC Championship Game, featuring Chris Pratt as Mario, Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong, and most all of America as Not Interested.

Lovers & co-anchors Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes were fired from ABC News Good Morning America. They’re reportedly in the running for a new Fox News afternoon talk show, Fox & Friends With Benefits.

Walmart is rolling out new store designs with brighter lights, modern mannequins and sleek display cases – in order to focus on higher-margin merchandise for their loyal customers to shoplift.

An Anthony van Dyck portrait from the 17th century, found covered in bird droppings in a shed in Upstate New York, sold at a Sotheby’s auction for over $3 million. Art collectors are now following the birds around to see if they know of any other finds.

Filipino artist Elito Circa, who paints canvases with his own blood, plans to break the world record for blood paintings with a 328-foot creation. Meanwhile, several of his smaller works tested positive for herpes.

A 34-year-old man was hospitalized with a bowel blockage after swallowing a banana covered in a condom. He was released into the care of several hundred men who’d heard about it.

A 15-year-old boy in Bangladesh locked himself in a shipping container during a game of hide-and-seek and was discovered a week later when the container arrived in Malaysia. Meanwhile, his mother collapsed after yelling “dinners ready” next to her back door for six straight days.

A Canadian girl was injured after a friend tossed her car keys and a key became lodged 1 1/2 inches deep in her face and nasal cavity. She also suffered a concussion as her friend repeatedly pushed her head into the ignition switch to start the car.

After suffering burns to his face one month ago, Jay Leno crashed his motorcycle, breaking his collarbone and several ribs. Leno will return to hosting You Bet Your Life, since he repeatedly bets his own and wins.

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The bald eagle population in the state of New Jersey has doubled in the last 10 years according to the New Jersey Bald Eagle Project, and evidenced by New Jersey eagles’ increased demand for toupees, deep v-neck t-shirts and gold chains.

Federal law enforcement broke up a fraudulent nursing diploma ring, which issued over 7,600 phony credentials to nurses. The big break in the case came when hundreds of nurses didn’t know how to properly measure height & weight of patients.

A Florida man broke into a Joe’s Crab Shack in Ft. Myers, stole items and defecated on the dining room floor. Cops examining the evidence would only say it appears he’d eaten at Joe’s Crab Shack within the last eight hours.

The FDA plans to make it easier for gay and bisexual men to donate blood – they’ll allow the Red Cross Bloodmobile to park at Lady Gaga concerts.

A McDonald’s corporate president who made $7.4 million in compensation said that pending California legislation to pay fast-food workers $22/hour will “destroy jobs”. On his next trip to the drive-thru, his Big Mac broke the record for “most saliva”.

Kim Kardashian reportedly advised Paris Hilton on surrogacy issues prior to Hilton and her husband welcoming their new baby. Kim also advised Hilton on how babies are born, which led to Hilton’s surrogacy decision.

Melissa Williams, 46, was fired from the Arapahoe County, Colorado police after her “filthy MILF” OnlyFans account was discovered. However, she now earns $27,000/month for going from Arapahoe to Videohoe.

Several women posted TikTok videos saying that they didn’t know their upside-down pineapple tattoos were widely-used symbols indicating they were sexual “swingers”. Some are now getting cover-up tattoos of pineapple upside-down cakes.

A new 16-court indoor Pickleball center is opening in the Philadelphia suburbs. It’s the first of its kind in that it’s the first Pickleball facility needing bouncers.

An arcade worker claims to be able to consistently beat the ‘claw machine’ to win stuffed animals with her ‘double tap’ method. She double-taps the claw button after it descends, and if that doesn’t work, she double-taps the glass with a claw hammer.

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The United States agreed to send high-tech Abrams battle tanks to Ukraine, but are manufacturing them instead of shipping them out of existing inventory. This will allow Ukraine to add features like heated seats and Apple TankPlay.

King Charles evicted scandal-plagued Prince Andrew from Buckingham Palace. With Epstein Island no longer available, Andrew may seek refuge at Epstein London Basement Studio Apartment.

The FBI seized a website used by a notorious ransomware gang which demanded hundreds of millions of dollars in payment – ticketmaster.com .

As a counter to singles who find partners during winter’s ‘Cuffing season’, a new dating trend, ‘Snow storming’ has emerged, where singles dump longtime partners in winter. Men are looking for variety, women are looking to avoid arguments when they jack the thermostat to 80 degrees.

Houston police arrested 58-year-old Lisa Coleman, dubbed the “high-heeled hijacker” for shoes she wore during a series of robberies at stores and a bank. “Hijacker” didn’t seem to fit, but they said she didn’t have the body for “big boob” or “big booty” bandit.

On ABC’s ‘The View‘ Wednesday, discussion of classified documents found at Mike Pence’s home was disrupted by an audible fart noise as co-host Sara Haines shifted in her chair. The fart noise being attibuted to Haines effectively ended Joy Behar’s 10-episode streak.

The Virginia school where a 6-year-old boy shot his teacher was reportedly warned three times that he possessed a weapon – twice by teachers warning administrators, and once by the director of the school play holding auditions for Annie Get Your Gun.

Hyejeong Shin, 29, is accused of showing a forged birth certificate so she could attend freshman classes at New Brunswick High School in New Jersey. She’s also accused of disrupting classes for other 29-year-old New Jersey high schoolers who’ve been held back 12 times.

Artificial intelligence chatbot ChatGPT passed an exam at the Wharton School of Business at a B- level. Despite the so-so score, it’s starting at job at DadGPT’s company and will be harassing WomenGPT in no time.

A German cinema broke the world record by installing the largest IMAX movie screen, 8,770 square feet. They also inadvertently broke the record for most people asleep at the movies during a showing of the three-hour Avatar: The Way of Water.

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In a new Pew Research study, 80% of parents say it’s more important for their kids to start careers and make money than it is to marry and start a family. That’s so the parents can finally collect rent while the kids live at home.

Classified U.S. Government documents were found at the Indiana home of Mike Pence, along with rare back issues of Playgirl magazine.

A Microsoft Cloud outage temporarily denied access to services like Microsoft Teams and Microsoft Outlook. Corporate workers called it “the most productive time I’ve had all year”.

Paris Hilton and husband Carter Reum announced the birth of their first baby. They wouldn’t say if the infant was delivered via surrogate, or if it actually checked out of a Hilton.

A&W Restaurants trolled the M&Ms ‘Spokescandy’ announcement, saying their mascot Rooty the Great Root Bear would wear jeans instead of no pants at all. This surprised Americans who didn’t know that A&W Restaurants still existed.

A passenger gave birth during an Emirates Air flight from Tokyo to Dubai. The baby cried, but then was pleased with the additional leg room.

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy controversially kicked two Democrats, Adam Schiff and Eric Swalwell, off the House Intelligence Committee. He’s considering appointing George Santos, who recently succeeded Superman as President of the Justice League of America.

Florida woman Lyndsey Kennedy, 43, had to be rescued after getting herself stuck in a storm drain for the third time in two years. Officials were left with no choice but to ban her from ‘It’s A Small World’ at Disney.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott and his girlfriend of two years, Natalie Buffett, broke up. The split was already hard enough, but then Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called a press conference to criticize Prescott’s performance.

A 52-year-old Florida teacher resigned after she shared sexually explicit video calls with her prison-inmate boyfriend during school hours. For his part, the inmate received a certificate for perfect attendance in sessions with the teacher.

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Ticketmaster’s Chief Financial Officer will testify before the U.S. Senate regarding the Taylor Swift ticketing fiasco. He will be required to stand for the duration of his testimony, unless he pays $199 plus fees for premium seating.

Republican Congressman George Santos took to Twitter to criticize the impressions of him by Bowen Yang on Saturday Night Live and Jon Lovitz on The Tonight Show. He particularly criticized Yang, since he wore a size 4 dress and Santos is at least a 14.

Four leaders of the Oath Keepers were found guilty of seditious conspiracy for their role planning the January 6th insurrection. They were also found guilty of lesser charges of underestimating attendance and running out of snacks.

Nominations for the 95th Academy Awards were released. Another year, another Academy Board of Governors Lifetime Achievement Award snub for Jim Varney.

M&Ms suspended the appearance of its talking cartoon Spokescandies in ads, and announced Maya Rudolph as their new Spokesperson. Werther’s Originals introduced their new Spokescandy, a non-verbal dementia patient.

Five years after his murder, a ‘surprise’ single from rapper XXXTentacion was released. As for other music, that single is likely the XXXtent of it.

The Sundance Film Festival debuted ‘Infinity Pool’, an NC-17 movie featuring cloning, orgies, executions and graphic male ejaculation. Audience polling was negative, but most patrons said it still beat having to sit through Aquaman 2.

Oreo Cookies newest offering is The Most Oreo Oreo – an Oreo cookie with bits of Oreo cookie wafers in the creme center. They recommend dunking it in milk that already has Oreos floating in it.

Frontman & founder Brandon Urie announced he’s breaking up his band, Panic! at the Disco now that he & his wife are expecting a baby. He also announced a future project Colic! at the Urie House.

Disney fans are selling water from the Splash Mountain ride at Disney World now that it’s being closed down and are asking $150/bottle. Nobody’s buying, but the Centers for Disease Control are offering to buy bottles of water from Disney resort pools.

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Fireball faces a class action lawsuit in 12 states for misleading customers that mini-bottles sold at gas stations are whisky, but contain no whisky at all. The lawsuit is unique in that all of the plaintiffs are 16 years old.

Retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin married 63-year-old Dr. Anca Faur on his 93rd birthday. Her vibrator is also named Buzz Aldrin.

Home Depot founder Bernie Marcus, who retired in 2002, claims that ‘nobody works anymore’ because of socialism and ‘woke people who have taken over the world’. Marcus made the claims after wandering around a Home Depot for a half-hour looking for a woke socialist to tell him where the screwdrivers are.

Grocery & retail stores are losing shopping carts in record numbers. They blame homelessness, carts being sold for scrap metal, and Cub Scouts who want roomier Soap Box Derby cars.

A police officer punched a woman several times following a dispute after she attempted to return a McDonald’s Big Mac for not having the extra toppings she paid for. He’s been placed on leave from McDonaldland P.D. according to Mayor McCheese.

A woman who lost her virginity at 17 to a 30-year-old man and disliked it claims to have paid $10,000 to have her hymen reconstructed. She’s now saving herself for a guy who’ll pay her $10,000, just in case the third time’s the charm.

Disney Parks Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser Hotel is reportedly failing due to the $6,000 price tag for a two-night stay – and stiff competition down the block from the $69/night Mos Eisley Cantina Red Roof Inn with real galactic prostitutes.

Pamela Anderson claims in her new memoir that Tim Allen flashed his penis at her when she was his co-star on sitcom Home Improvement. She also claims the guy who played ‘Wilson’ did it too through a hole in the fence.

Spotify announced it’s cutting 6% of jobs, disappointing fired workers, and also disappointing everyone hoping the cuts included Joe Rogan.

A British woman who lost all of her limbs from sepsis won a $48 million settlement against the hospital for releasing her early – marking the first time a hospital stay cost both the patient and the hospital an arm and a leg.

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Movie theater chain Regal Cinemas will close 40 locations resulting from their parent company filing for bankruptcy. Remaining inventory of popcorn will be marked down 75%, to $7/bucket.

Prior to his affair with co-host Amy Robach resulting in their suspension, Good Morning America‘s T.J. Holmes allegedly had sex with a 24-year-old intern in his office. On those days, he greeted viewers with “Great Morning, America”.

A woman’s viral TikTok video said it took her three months before she discovered her boyfriend only had one leg. Her realization came when he suggested having sex ‘tripod style’.

Legendary Philadelphia disc jockey Jerry Blavat passed away at age 82. Blavat, known as ‘The Geator With The Heater’ and ‘The Boss With The Hot Sauce’ will be memorialized as soon as his family figures out what rhymes with ‘The Cadaver..”.

For the third time in as many years, hackers obtained the personal information of tens of millions of T-Mobile customers. T-Mobile said the threat is now contained, because every customer has had their data stolen.

Republican Congressman George Santos denied performing as a drag queen in Brazil, despite a photo appearing to show him in drag. Santos then took credit for his undercover work taking down a transgender drug ring operating out of Rio de Janeiro.

The family of a 6-year-old boy who shot his teacher at a Virginia elementary school is speaking out for the first time, saying “the gun was secured”. However, they admit locking it in a Paw Patrol lunchbox wasn’t the best idea.

A Utah woman claims she ‘accidentally’ married her cousin, and had a baby with him. She claims marrying her cousin was an accident despite 75 guests at their wedding receiving two invitations.

Tennis star Andy Murray was furious after being denied a second bathroom break before the fifth set of his eventual victory at the Australian Open, which took over five hours. “Yeah, we’re not cleaning that up” said the ballboys & ballgirls.

Pizza Hut is attempting to set the world record for largest pizza, measuring 14,001-square-feet, inside the Los Angeles Convention Center. They plan to deliver 68,000 slices to area food banks, where food-insecure Angelenos will throw away 500 linear feet of crust.

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New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, 42, said she’s resigning rather than seeking reelection because she lacks the energy to continue in the job. “Hint, hint” said U.S. Democrats.

The Federal Government reached its debt ceiling limit, admitting it overspent on Christmas presents.

Meghan Markle’s mother said in the Netflix documentary ‘Harry & Meghan‘ that she regrets not making her daughter more aware of racial prejudice. “That’s okay, we took care of it” said Britain’s Royal Family.

Kim Kardashian bought a diamond-&-amethyst cross necklace owned by Princess Diana for $197,000. She plans to wear it for good luck when she’s being chased by paparazzi in her car.

Sports Illustrated 2023 Swimsuit Issue’s newest ‘Rookie’ is 40-year-old mom & fitness influencer Melissa Wood-Tepperberg. To make room for the her and another Rookie, SI announced two Veteran models who gained 10 pounds were released.

Alec Baldwin is now charged in the shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of ‘Rust‘. Baldwin’s name will go above the title of his next project, Involuntary Manslaughter Trial.

Dozens of inmates in Texas prisons are in the second week of hunger strikes, to protest their indefinite solitary confinement. Although some are eating but just saying they’re on strike, since there aren’t any cellmates to snitch on them lying about it.

Republican Congressman George Santos dressed as drag queen ‘Kitara’ while in Brazil in 2008, disqualifying him from reading at Kirk Cameron Library StoryTime.

A city council meeting held via Zoom in Flintshire, Wales was interrupted by a man who hacked into it, masturbated on camera, and said “Cum. I want you to cum with me.” He was removed, and his suggestion was narrowly voted down 6-5.

Michigan firefighters came to the rescue of a sheep who wandered out on a partially-frozen lake and fell through the ice. The fire chief warned residents to be more careful, saying this “could happen to anyone, even ewe..”

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A Meet & Greet with Kyle Rittenhouse at the Venetian Hotel during the Las Vegas SHOT Show was cancelled, with the venue saying it didn’t “align with our core events guidelines”. That, and Rittenhouse shot three unarmed people wearing Black Lives Matter t-shirts in the lobby.

Chrisley Knows Best stars Todd and Julie Chrisley each reported to serve their prison sentences following their conviction for tax fraud. Todd said that he’s “closer to God than ever” – God, in this case, is what he calls his cellmate.

Microsoft plans to announce major layoffs. When? Zune.

Dallas Cowboys kicker Brett Maher missed four straight extra point attempts in the team’s playoff win, setting a record. They plan to stick with Maher, after teammates’ attempts to kick him off the team missed.

A 13-year-old girl led Nebraska State Police on a highway chase reaching speeds of 100mph before successfully intervening to stop the car. The 11-year-old boy in the passenger seat told cops that’s the last time he’s letting his wife drive.

Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential campaign requested that he be reinstated on Facebook. It’s not looking good, since Facebook replied ‘Interested’.

Massachusetts murder suspect Brian Walshe – accused in the killing of his wife – used his 6-year-old son’s iPad to search “how to stop a body from decomposing”. Cops also found a search for “why does my peepee hurt?” but the kid admitted that was his.

A Louisiana woman stabbed her boyfriend after he urinated in their bed after a night of heavy drinking. She expressed regret for her actions, because now there are two tough-to-get-out stains on the sheets.

TSA agents at San Antonio Airport seized an 84mm caliber anti-tank weapon from a passenger’s checked baggage. The passenger was detained, but subsequently arrested for carrying a 4-ounce bottle of shampoo in their carry-on.

A man in Washington state attempted to abduct a female barista by pulling her through the drive-thru window of a coffee shop. He failed, and was later arrested when he pulled back around to get the muffin he forgot.