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Fairfax, Virginia schools changed a grading policy for students who fail to turn in assignments, changing the lowest possible grade from 50% to 0. Philadelphia City Schools are considering a similar change, since several Philly schools have dropouts who are in the running for senior class Valedictorian.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante was captured in the woods of a Philadelphia suburb while wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey. “Maybe he isn’t such a bad guy after all” say Philadelphians.

Cavalcante was discovered after he was located beneath a wood pile and bitten by a State Police scent-tracking dog. The $25,000 reward for his capture will now be issued in Pupperoni.

House Speaker Mark Meadows said he’ll open an impeachment investigation in to Joe Biden’s alleged corruption involving son Hunter’s businesses. But for now the impeachment score remains 2-0.

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert was kicked out of ‘Beetlejuice: The Musical‘ for vaping and causing a disturbance. When she first refused to leave, police said ‘Bobo’ three times on the sidewalk in front of the theater and she appeared there.

HGTV sold The Brady Bunch house to Tina Trahan, wife of a TV executive, for $3.2 million. Trahan then tried to cancel the purchase, saying something suddenly came up.

Brady Bunch star Eve ‘Jan’ Plumb plans to auction off memorabilia from her time on the show, including a “fun” gift from her onscreen Dad, Robert ‘Mike Brady’ Reed…that is, if you consider a positive HIV test a “fun gift”.

N’Sync reunited for the first time in 10 years at the MTV Video Music Awards. Now it’s time to say Bye Bye Bye to Fatone, Kirkpatrick, Chasez & Bass for another decade.

Apple announced that its iPhone 15 will adopt the USB-C charging standard, but assured loyal customers that official Apple charger cords will continue the company’s tradition of fraying and breaking in a month and a half.

A $33,000-per-passenger cruise ship ran aground in Greenland and could be stuck there for days. “Well, well, well, norovirus and imitation crab legs doesn’t sound so bad NOW, does it?” said a Carnival Cruise Lines spokesperson.

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Today is September 12th – the day after the National Day of Remembrance – the day where it’s officially OK To Forget for another 364 days.

Demi Lovato was revealed as Anonymouse on the season premiere of The Masked Singer. Judges quickly guessed her identity after she sang, and after she told judges she identified as a non-binary rodent.

Escaped fugitive Danelo Cavalcante reportedly was uninjured after a homeowner shot at him during a break-in and burglary where he stole a .22-caliber shotgun. The homeowner is hoping he returns so Cavalcante can show him how to improve his accuracy.

McDonald’s is phasing out self-serve soda stations, citing fewer dine-in customers and food safety concerns after several customers suffered Dr. Pepper overdoses.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un arrived in Russia via his armored train – The Little Engine That Could Sell Ballistic Weapons to Vladimir Putin.

Jamie Lynn Spears joined this season’s celebrity competitors on Dancing With The Stars. Meanwhile, older sister Britney will continue posting Instagram videos on Dancing With Handfuls Of Prescription Drugs.

Reports of host Jimmy Fallon’s toxic behavior on The Tonight Show have spurred a ‘Bring Back Conan’ (O’Brien)’ movement from social media users citing his kind behavior. When O’Brien inevitably refuses, the movement is expected to shift to ‘Bring Back Anyone But Jay Leno’.

A dog is recovering at a veterinary facility after being rescued from an on-ramp construction area of Interstate 95 in Philadelphia. The dog was injured after flipping off several motorists who wouldn’t let her merge.

Susanna Gibson, Democrat candidate running for Virginia’s House of Delegates, reportedly streamed sex with her husband on porn site Chaturbate. She’s trailing her Republican rival in a recent poll, but is in front of her husband’s pole in the videos.

A male New Jersey high school teacher who resigned after posting nude photos of a female student on a ‘revenge porn’ website accepted a new teaching job in a different district. In New Jersey’s public school system, you take whoever you can get.

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A Southern California school district will pay $2.25 million to a male student who impregnated his teacher when he was 14, settling his sexual abuse claim. He’s unsure whether he’ll use the money for college, or to buy a house so his teacher can move in after she’s paroled.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante has been on the run in the Philadelphia suburbs for two weeks, and reportedly stole a white van with a refrigeration unit. Neighborhood kids are warned not to approach the unmarked ice cream truck playing ‘La Bamba‘ and the ‘Narcos‘ theme.

Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr. are holding a fundraising dinner at Mar-a-Lago to help pay the legal bills of his co-conspirators in the Georgia election fraud case. It was to be held at Golden Corral, but Eric & Don Jr were banned for repeatedly sticking their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Elon Musk took to X to say his brain implant company, Neuralink, has never caused the death of a monkey with a chip in its brain, saying they only chose terminally ill monkeys. However, he won’t say what the terminal monkeys were instructed to do, or why they were given guns and plane tickets to Ukraine.

An alleged shooter in a Northeast Philadelphia bar fight fled the scene, but then returned there to surrender. And close out his tab. And get one last $3 well drink.

A shooting at a Vineland, New Jersey hospital was determined to be self-inflicted. The resident doctor said he needed the practice for dealing with bullet wounds.

Jelly-maker Smuckers is acquiring Twinkie-maker Hostess for $5.6 billion, in an aggressive attempt to steal market share in the Empty Calories category.

Google is raising subscription prices for its Nest video security products – making it 33% more expensive to determine whose dog is pooping on your lawn.

A British mother is furious that her daughters’ school policy against branded apparel means they can’t wear their Vivienne Westwood shoes. She’s also furious that they have to walk a half-mile from the helipad where they’re dropped off in the morning.

The ‘Halloween‘ house where Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie Strode character lived is up for sale in Los Angeles. The realtor says stabbings are no longer a problem, but that the property has been upgraded with bars and bulletproof windows.

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Justene Gugumuck, a payroll manager for a Pennsylvania pest control company, was arrested and charged with embezzling over $120,000. The company said they’re embarrassed because it took them several years to catch the rat.

Hurricane Lee was upgraded to a Category 4 storm. It’s still a week away from any possible landfall on the East Coast from its current position, and any East Coast landing may be cancelled altogether if it decides to head north via Southwest Airlines.

Paqui One Chip Challenge chips were recalled after a 14-year-old Massachusetts high school student died after eating one. Although investigators continue to question lunch ladies about the Hungarian goulash that sickened 50 other kids that day.

Jimmy Fallon apologized to The Tonight Show staff regarding the toxic work environment documented in a Rolling Stone article. Rolling Stone‘s next article focuses on the Joe Rogan Podcast, and how that show turns listeners into toxic dicks.

Convicted rapist Danny Masterson of That 70s Show appeared in court Thursday and received That 30-Year Sentence.

Half the employees of dating app Grindr reportedly quit rather than return to working in the corporate office. The ones who did show up at the office after quitting were there for midday restroom hookups with former Grindr coworkers.

Chrystal Frost, 35, married mother of three and math teacher at an Alabama Christian school, confessed to having sex with two teen boys who were her students. The boys called her office desk the multiplication table.

The Today Show host Savannah Guthrie left the set mid-morning on Thursday so she could take her kids to class on their first day of school. They ended up late because the director didn’t go with her to show her where to walk.

Four “remarkably preserved” 1,900-year-old Roman swords were discovered in a remote cave near the Dead Sea – as were cave writings from the owner’s girlfriend who was kinda creeped out by all the swords.

The girlfriend of NFL player Brandon Aiyuk said players can be fined for having a woman in their hotel room the night before road games. She’s considering a switch to dating NBA players, who only get fines after three women are discovered in the room.

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Surveillance video shows escaped murderer Danelo Cavalcante crab-walking up the wall in an exterior prison walkway to get to the roof. The manhunt continues to capture and return him to prison so he can lead total-body fitness classes.

The Pennsylvania State Police announced Operation Nighthawk – roving DUI enforcement patrols across the state during the weekend of September 9th. So drive sober or, if you’re a drunk driver who likes a challenge, get on out there.

Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, speaking after a brief hospitalization, discussed her “urgent fetal surgery”. She announced that the first episode of her new reality series, Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, will be titled ‘Urgent Fetal Surgery’.

Following the Supreme Court’s reversal of Roe v Wade, a new study shows states that have experienced a large increase in abortion services. Abortions in New Mexico increased 220%, as women seek to terminate their pregnancy and tour Carlsbad Caverns.

The Rolling Stones will release Hackney Diamonds – their first album of new music in 18 years – on October 20th. The album features contributions from Lady Gaga, Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, and whoever is donating plasma to Keith Richards.

Google’s Chrome browser turns 15 today. Executives marked the occasion with a party featuring strippers and other adult entertainers they found while in Incognito Mode.

Pepsi-owned Gatorade is introducing Gatorade Water – an electrolyte-infused water. Not to be outdone, Coca-Cola-owned Dasani is planning to introduce a new product that actually tastes like water.

Some illegal U.S. immigrants employed by disaster-relief companies are refusing to go to Florida to help with hurricane recovery efforts. They blame Governor DeSantis’ legislation requiring undocumented workers to be deported or – worse – forced to stay in Florida.

A bombshell Rolling Stone report called The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon a ‘toxic workplace’, saying four former writers experienced “suicidal ideation”. NBC defended their workplace, saying there’s nothing unique about wanting to kill yourself if you watch enough of Jimmy Fallon.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick broke up with his longtime girlfriend, Linda Holliday. Belichick is expected to remain single through the regular season, then scout new prospects at the 2024 MILF & Cougar Combine.

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Kevin Costner’s estranged wife Christine Baumgartner said she’ll “enter the workforce” because $130,000/month in child support from Costner is insufficient. Although, at 49, with 3 teenagers, it’s unclear if she can get a nanny job to break up some other rich guy’s marriage.

An Italian water taxi company banned Kanye West and wife Bianca after images surfaced of her giving him oral sex on one of their vessels, and redefining “motorboating” in the process.

Transgender teacher Kayla Lemieux, famous for her prosthetic Z-cup breasts, has ditched them and now teaches under a given male name, Kerry Luc. No reason was given but it’s believed the Z-cup boobs kept them from reaching the chalkboard.

Spectrum, the 2nd-largest cable provider in the U.S., has dropped Disney-owned channels like ABC and ESPN – wreaking havoc on sports fans, and on senior women who are frantically trying to learn how to rig antennas so they don’t miss The Golden Bachelor.

China banned government officials from using iPhones – disappointing their grandchildren, who worked really hard building them.

Federal safety regulators are considering recalling 52 million vehicles for defective airbags. Auto makers are asking to wait until after winter, when icy roads will take the number down to about 48 milion.

The CDC is launching a new ad campaign for flu shots, saying they won’t prevent the flu, but will take it from Wild To Mild. They were promptly issued a cease & desist by the makers of KY lubricant, who promise to take the evening from Mild To Wild.

An Anchorage, Alaska couple whose house collapsed into a swollen river during a flood in early August were reunited with their cat, who’d escaped. They hugged Leo the cat, who promptly bit them and demanded something to eat before a nap.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar – Zack Morris on Saved By The Bell – joined the Pod Meets World podcast to discuss episodes that couldn’t be filmed today, like a scheme charging classmates $1 to kiss Lisa Turtle without her consent. He said an earlier version of the script contained ways for Lisa to earn $50 at a time.

Gen Z women are ditching tampons and pads and embracing “free bleeding” during their periods. They consider it “freeing”, and also a great way to convince their bosses to let them keep working from home.

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Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour will be released as a concert movie this fall – giving 14-year-old girls a way to get started in business by scalping movie tickets.

A Connecticut man who found a bag containing $5,000 was arrested for larceny after he kept the money, which belonged to a local bank. The man admits he should have returned the money, but wondered what the bank was doing with all the heroin in the bag.

Artificial intelligence will be used to listen to online gamers playing Call Of Duty, and will ban them when & if they use toxic language toward other gamers. Then, AI will attempt to recruit them to the U.S. Army.

Walgreens fired their CEO, as store visits and impulse purchases dropped due to fewer people coming in for COVID vaccines. They plan to turn things around by recruiting a new CEO who’s currently running a lab in Wuhan, China.

Over 70,000 attendees began their exodus from Burning Man festival, where they’d been trapped due to thick mud. At least 15,000 people trying to leave were trapped again after following Google Maps advice for a quicker route.

Kylie Jenner and actor Timothee Chalamet went public with their romance. They were seen together at a Beyonce concert as the ‘Wonka’ star kissed Kylie and fondled her oompa-loompas.

A Delta flight from Atlanta to Barcelona was forced to make an emergency landing because of a passenger’s diarrhea “throughout the airplane”, creating what the pilot called a “biohazard” and passengers called “a poor-fitting diaper”.

An Alexis retractor – a medical device the size of a dinner plate – was found inside of a woman 18 months after she had a baby via c-section. Oddly enough, she gave birth to the retractor naturally.

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw resigned to take a leadership position with the Port Authority of New York & New Jersey. She’ll be tasked with getting Port Authority shootings & carjackings up to Philadelphia levels.

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The Securities & Exchange Commission is investigating Twitter/X owner Elon Musk for using company funds to build an elaborate glass house. Musk defended the plan, saying he and new CEO Linda Yaccarino promised investors more transparency.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell froze and was seemingly unable to speak during a press event with reporters. It’s gotten so bad, California Senator Dianne Feinstein is making fun of him while sitting at the Cracker Barrel she thinks is the Senate chamber.

A Kremlin spokesperson stated that Wagner mercenary leader Yevgeny Prigozhin’s private plane “may have been downed on purpose”. They’re investigating Acme Aircraft and the pilot, Wileimir Coyoteov.

Actress Florence Pugh says those who criticize her see-through dresses are ‘scared of freedom’. “Damn right!” say teenage boys who are big fans of freedom.

John McEnroe will be unable to provide color commentary during the U.S. Open after testing positive for COVID – then breaking a racket on the COVID test after arguing with it for five minutes.

A honeymooning couple cut their trip short after finding out their dog died in the care of their petsitter. The groom is saddened at having to go home and bury his dog after burying his dog in the south of France every night for a week.

A mom is furious that American Airlines charged her $61 to sit next to her 2-year-old daughter. She’s even angrier that her husband happily paid $200 so he didn’t have to sit near either of them.

A Wagyu beef bowl of pho that takes 48 hours to prepare and costs $170 is being served at the Oriental Pearl restaurant in Ho Chi Minh City by Executive Chef Le Trung – who’s known as the Pho King because his food is pretty Pho King expensive.

An Iranian weightlifter received a lifetime ban from Iran’s weightlifting federation because he shook hands with an Israeli at a competition. He’s now reconsidering telling his friends and family that he’s dating a nice Jewish girl.

‘Friends‘ director James Burrow said UK actress Helen Baxendale – who portrayed Ross Geller’s British wife Emily – was “nice but not particularly funny”. He went on to discuss the cast of spinoff ‘Joey‘, where “nobody was particularly funny”.

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The Federal Government listed the ten prescription drugs subject to negotiated lower prices for seniors on Medicare. That deflated sigh you’re hearing is thousands of older men not seeing Cialis or Viagra on the list.

Farmers Insurance laid off 2,400 workers. “You’ve been laid-off…..bahhh-buh-bah-bah bah-bah-bop.” said their voice mail.

Burger King faces a lawsuit claiming they deceive customers by posting pictures of Whoppers that make them look bigger than they really are. Lawyers for Burger King plan to seat sympathetic jurors that post boob and crotch pics on Instagram.

Senior military officers in Gabon appeared on tv claiming they’ve seized control – as they try to explain to a wider audience that Gabon is a real country.

A judge rejected a lawsuit from a University of Wyoming sorority who sought to block a transgender woman from joining. The trans woman may be allowed to join, but so far she’s 0-for-33 asking fraternity brothers to the big Sadie Hawkins dance.

At the FIBA Basketball World Cup, Team USA scored a 110-62 victory over Jordan…who were not at all like Mike.

New viral video shows three men in Mississippi in a violent brawl, striking each other with a wooden plank and a shovel. Meanwhile, other Mississippians wonder where the three high-rollers got plank and shovel money.

A March, 1789 letter from George Washington – written in the weeks leading up to his being named first U.S. President – is expected to sell for 7 figures at auction. The letter is unique because of its timing, and for Washington writing “please send nudes”.

Khloe Kardashian’s daughter True started kindergarten, leading Khloe to post that she’s “not ok”, presumably because her daughter will have a higher education than she ever did.

A Russian police lieutenant was killed by a Ukrainian drone strike while mowing his lawn. His wife is extremely distraught, and having a difficult time finding a neighborhood kid to mow her lawn.

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Hurricane Idalia is expected to make landfall and do considerable damage in Florida. Meanwhile, Hurricane Vidalia is already wreaking havoc on an Outback Steakhouse customer in Florida who ate three Bloomin’ Onions.

Hundreds of flights are cancelled in & out of Florida because of the hurricane. “What hurricane?”” said a Southwest Airlines spokesperson as they cancelled dozens of flights because it’s Tuesday.

3M Corporation agreed to pay $6 billion in damages after the U.S. military said its earplugs caused hearing loss – an unheard-of settlement.

Kouri Richins, a Utah mother accused of murdering her husband then writing a children’s book ‘Are You With Me?‘ about grief & loss, will not face the death penalty. However, prosecutors asked to block publication of her latest children’s book ‘It Sucks In Jail’.

An Australian woman suffering from abdominal pain, diarhhea, night sweats and fever was found to have a worm living in her brain. After being removed, the worm said the sweats and fever were its fault, but blamed the rest on her diet.

A couple held a gender reveal in the middle of an Adele concert during her residency in Las Vegas. “So was it a boy or girl?” asked dozens of fans returning to their seats who skipped it to hit the concession stand for drinks.

A high school football game in suburban Philadelphia was suspended in the third quarter after a student in the crowd was spotted carrying a gun. Police removed the student, and parents praised the cop by firing their guns into the air.

Donald Trump posted on Truth Social that he won the Senior Club Championship at his Bedminster, NJ golf course – edging out ex-wife Ivana, who was six under.

A Univision network news crew in Chicago was robbed while covering the scene of a robbery. Stay tuned for film at 11, captured by the robbers with the camera they stole.

Vladimir Putin is asking aides to prepare for another possible mutiny after the death of Wagner mercenary group leader Yevgeny Prigozhin. So Wagner soldiers are being offered an all-expenses-paid vacation starting with a private flight to Cancun.