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President Trump signed a declaration to create the Space Force — a task force to find space for all of the children being put in cages by his zero-tolerance immigration policy.

Microsoft – who works with ICE and the Border Patrol – urged the Trump Administration to reconsider the zero-tolerance policy and end the separation of families. Apple has yet to comment, but asked border agents if the detained children wanted to kill time learning to assemble iPads.

14% of U.S. adults now smoke cigarettes – an all-time low. While health officials praise the decline, the general population is concerned about how much harder it is to figure out who the cool people are.

An articulated python killed a woman and swallowed her whole in Indonesia. 54-year-old Tiba Wa was checking on her home vegetable garden. The python was also there checking on food, but was not vegetarian.

In other Indonesian news, a North Toraja man died when the coffin of his deceased mother fell on him at her funeral. The man had repeatedly said his mother was suffocating him, but, in fact, he died of head injuries.

The U.S. Golf Association apologized for Fox Sports U.S. Open golf broadcast, when mics picked up two male spectators talking about aggressive sex, with one saying that he “headbutted” and “smacked” his female sex partner. The men said they were whispering, but Tiger Woods asked them to speak up.

Queen Elizabeth’s cousin, Lord Ivar Mountbatten, will become the first member of the Royal Family to be wed in a gay marriage. Asked if the Queen will be in attendance, Lord Mountbatten replied “which one?”

Developer Niantic announced that they’ll soon add Pokémon trading to mobile game Pokémon Go. Though many adults have already been trading Pokémon for healthy relationships.

A woodchuck is being blamed for stealing American flags from veterans’ burial plots at a Massachusetts graveyard. The woodchuck said he’s presenting the flags to widows of veteran woodchucks hit by cars.

Two Akron, Ohio firefighters have been suspended amid accusations that they filmed a pornographic video in a municipal fire station. The film depicts several methods for sliding down a fire pole.

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Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen denied that the United States has a policy of separating children of illegal immigrants from their parents at the U.S. border. Rather, she said the problem was gathering up all of the 5-and-under Mexican runaways.

Disney issued a warning to moviegoers, saying that certain sequences of flashing lights in Incredibles 2 could trigger seizures. Theaters now ask that the audience silence their cell phones and epileptic family members.

The Veterans Administration is under fire for hiding poor quality ratings of its nursing homes. The ratings scale runs from ‘Acceptable’ to ‘Someone From 60 Minutes Is Asking To Visit.’

Giant hogweed, an invasive plant with sap that can cause burns and blindness, has been found growing in eastern Virginia. Officials say the plant should be destroyed with herbicides or other non-contact methods, unless you really dislike your husband and want to send him out there to rip it out bare-handed.

Apple is updating iPhone software so users’ precise location will be shared in the event they dial 911. They are hoping this will allow law enforcement to more quickly locate the hundreds of female Uber customers each day who take a ride with a creep.

A 23-year-old man has been accused of making fraudulent returns to over 1,000 Walmart locations, by returning computers after removing parts from them. Employees became suspicious because they don’t see many customers who know how to use a computer.

The World Health Organization has officially classified ‘gaming disorder’ as a mental health condition, likening it to substance abuse and gambling addiction. They clarify that ‘gaming disorder’ is not to be confused with the more common affliction where people just suck at video games.

A brain-eating amoeba was found in the drinking water of a town in southern Louisiana. Asked what it was doing there, the mayor joked “starving”.

High winds at a Denver, Colorado park sent portable toilets flying in the air. No one was injured, and officials assured families at the park that the winds were coming from outside the toilets.

Delaware wants to have parents issue consent before their child’s gender identity can be recognized at school. Children were sent home with forms for parents to check ‘male’; ‘female’; ‘fluid’; ‘trans’; and ‘I Don’t Know’.

 

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Florida lifeguards treated over 800 beachgoers for jellyfish stings over three days. Because of the large volume, dozens of off-duty lifeguards had to be brought in to urinate on the victims’ wounds.

Experts suggest climate change may be responsible for the deaths of Africa’s ‘boabab’ trees, which can live up to 2,000 years. The boababs — called Trees of Life — will now be called Hospice Trees.

A 10-year-old girl from Scranton, Pennsylvania who made a viral video about being bullied was invited by the New York Yankees to Yankee Stadium for a home game. There, she was able to spend three hours hearing grown men yell at baseball players about how much they suck.

Comcast bid $65 billion to acquire most of the assets of 20th Century Fox:

  • Urging them to act soon before time runs out on this great deal.
  • Fox turned down the initial bid, so Comcast offered to throw in 6 months of Starz.
  • Comcast said $65 billion was the opening bid, but that the rate would go up in a couple of months.

Wednesday marks the first day of legal sports betting in New Jersey. The NJ state government is looking for qualified concrete workers and boat operators to deal with bettors who can’t pay up.

Nintendo of America presented its future games and business plans at the Electronic Entertainment Expo. The biggest surprise was an announcement from Princess Peach that Bowser has been terminated from all future games for his repeated history of inappropriate conduct toward women.

Former Trump adviser and “fixer” Michael Cohen has parted ways with his legal team. A source said that the separation was the result of a fee dispute – specifically, the porn stars that Cohen offered for payment were too old.

Moviepass now has over three million subscribers, most of whom were still too busy to see ‘Solo’.

Las Vegas McCarran International Airport experienced two power outages. Several travelers suffered broken arms beating on slot machines when they stopped spinning.

California is exploring splitting into three separate states: Northern California; Southern California; and New California. It’s still a long way from reality, as it would need to be ratified by voters and approved by Congress, the Bloods and the Crips.

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CHI St. Luke’s Medical Center in Houston temporarily closed its heart-transplant center following several doctors’ departures, and an unusual number of patient deaths in recent years. The outgoing Chief of Staff for the heart-transplant center said he hopes to get his old job back at Jiffy Lube.

Jeep Grand Cherokee and Ford Explorer received ‘Poor’ ratings in crash tests from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, according to injury data retrieved from crash test dummies. Execs for Jeep and Ford questioned why dummies are allowed to drive cars to begin with.

Researchers in Hawaii and California claim to have found interstellar dust that formed the Earth and the solar system billions of years ago — on treadmills at their houses.

All Texas locations of In-N-Out Burger were closed for two days because hamburger buns did not meet the chain’s quality standards, but employees were still paid for delivering the buns to IHOb.

U.S. student loan debt just hit $1.5 trillion for the first time. Women hold nearly two-thirds of the debt, thrilling the banks holding the debt because there’s 20% less income to pay it down.

People of Chinese heritage criticized Ivanka Trump for using a made-up ‘Chinese proverb’ — “those who say it can not be done, should not interrupt those doing it” in a tweet to describe her father’s work on the North Korea summit. Ivanka is reportedly angry and promising to go pee-pee in her critics’ Coke.

A raccoon has captured national attention as it scaled the outside of St. Paul, Minnesota’s UBS Tower. The raccoon reached the roof of the building earlier today, and is pretty goddamned disappointed with the trash cans up there.

A man upset that his wife salted the movie-theater popcorn she bought angrily stormed out without seeing the movie after calling his wife ‘unfaithful’ and declaring their marriage over. Theater employees said that it was, by far, the most effort anyone had ever put into avoiding watching a chick flick.

MIT’s Computer Science & Artificial Intelligence Laboratory created a system that allows you to see bodies through walls. It’s expected to be in high demand from people who want to shoot their spouse “by accident”.

Tropical Storm Bud is expected to hit Mexico with heavy rainfall. When told that Bud was coming to Mexico, Mexicans said they already had enough shitty beer there.

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Twitter’s emoji for the U.S./North Korea #Singaporesummit depicts a high-five between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. They were asked to redo it several times to make Trump’s hands the same size as Un’s.

Uber’s Chief Brand Officer Bozoma Saint John is leaving to become Chief Marketing Officer for Endeavor, an entertainment agency conglomerate. She’s excited to leave the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by underpaid cab drivers for the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by overpaid Hollywood agents.

Snapchat announced that you’ll soon be able to Unsend messages, so that a few less people will have seen your breasts and penises.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner filed details of their personal wealth and investment holdings with the Office of Government Ethics. They each would have done so sooner, but neither could believe the Office of Government Ethics still exists.

President Trump is now en route back to the U.S. following the Singapore summit with Kim Jong Un. He considered the trip a success, obtaining denuclearization concessions, along with that pin from the Singapore Hard Rock Cafe that he wanted.

Erin and Leah Finan, a married Indiana couple, were each sentenced to over five years in federal prison for scamming Amazon out of over $1 million in electronics, and for writing reviews of the merchandise they stole that nobody found helpful.

  • Sentencing guidelines called for ten years, but Amazon’s lawyers requested leniency since they were both Prime members.

Facebook followed up on Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional testimony with 454 pages of answers to over 2,000 questions that Zuckerberg couldn’t answer in person, then Zuckerberg snoozed Congress for 30 days.

A 9-year-old girl is being sent to a rehab facility for addiction to Fortnite. Her parents say she wet herself and sat in her own urine instead of pausing the game on Xbox. While at rehab, she’ll learn about the mobile version of the game that she can play on the toilet.

Domino’s Pizza announced on Monday that it’s paying to fill potholes in towns across the United States; and, in the process, making good use of its surplus pizza dough.

A 69-year-old man allegedly defecated on another person during a road rage incident in Pennsylvania. The perpetrator was charged with harassment; the victim was not charged, but was named the Worst Ever At Road Rage by police.