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CIA director Gina Haspel briefed Congress on the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, leading some lawmakers to say they had no doubt the killing happened with the knowledge of Saudi crown prince Muhammad bin Salman. President Trump, who saw the same information, likes bin Salman’s evil twin, Floyd, for the crime.

The Secret Service is testing a facial recognition surveillance system outside the White House. Right now it only recognizes ‘Orange’ and ‘Everybody Else’.

A Phoenix man claims that someone hacked into his Nest security camera and used it to talk to him. The hacker asked when his wife was getting dressed for work.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller recommended leniency for former national security adviser Michael Flynn, based on what Mueller’s team called Flynn’s ‘substantial contributions’ to the investigation. Mueller’s team added they don’t know who else will be able to do as good as Flynn fetching coffee.

A Hollywood Reporter article states that nobody wants to host the 91st Academy Awards. Jimmy Fallon offered to do it, but the Academy said the show is already too long before adding 90 minutes of sing-alongs and party games.

Married rappers Cardi B and Offset announced they’re splitting up. They’ll share custody of the jewelry.

Snowboard gold medalist Shaun White, riding in first class on a recent flight, posted an Instagram video shaming a passenger behind him with their bare feet resting on the back of his seat. White asked followers to tag someone who would likely do this, then sexually harassed the passenger for the remainder of the flight.

Crowdsourcing advice site Quora announced a security breach. Worse, the top-rated Quora Expert response to “How do I protect my information?” was “Send your social security number and date of birth to this email address….”

Kanye West apologized after being called out on Twitter for staring at his cell phone during the Broadway premiere of ‘The Cher Show’. West was chastised by the actor playing Sonny Bono, who was upset Kanye missed ‘Sonny’s’ big scene skiing into a tree and dying.

A Quicken survey of 1,000 married couples’ Christmas shopping behavior found that 1 in 5 forgot to buy their spouse a Christmas gift. Those people were then added to next year’s Quicken survey of 1,000 divorced couples’ Christmas shopping behavior.

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Amazon is testing its cashierless checkout technology in larger stores. To do so, they’re looking to hire the world’s most expert shoplifters, so they’re planning a job fair in Philadelphia. 

Walmart says they’re equipping sales associates with an in-store tool that allows brick & mortar customers to complete online orders. Walmart is calling the tool an “iPad”. 

Apple released its Best Of 2018 apps list. Topping the list for iPad, ‘Froggipedia’, a virtual reality app that lets you dissect a frog without killing an actual frog. Runner-up was Brassiereipedia, that lets geeks experience the removal of a woman’s bra.

Samsung announced their plans to introduce a 5G smartphone, costing around $2Gs. 

American Airlines used video footage from O’Hare Airport to refute a claim that they abandoned an elderly woman in a wheelchair alone at midnight after her flight was cancelled. American’s record of successfully defending passenger abuse claims improves to 1-for-2,000.

Eight brands of dry dog food have been recalled for excessive levels of Vitamin D, which can cause vomiting and weight loss. Eight other brands were recalled for excess Vitamin E, which can cause uncontrolled surges in your dog’s sex drive on your leg. 

December 4th marks National Cookie Day. The following Tuesday, December 11th, marks National Stale Cookie Day. 

A 300-pound-woman in Erie, PA faces up to 36 years in prison for a murderous attack on her 120-pound boyfriend that involved sitting on him. CSIs said that when they arrived at the crime scene, the victim’s face and skull were unrecognizable. 

Wikipedia is taking steps to curb what it calls ‘rogue edits’ – including one where the photo accompanying Donald Trump’s biography was changed to a penis. Their first corrective step is removing Melania Trump’s editor privileges. 

Burger King is offering 1-cent Whoppers to its mobile app customers, provided they do so while standing within 600 feet of a McDonald’s location. Customers are thrilled that they can save money while getting McDonald’s fries with their discount Whopper, and not BK’s lousy ones. 

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Pokemon GO developer Niantic announced it’s bringing much-awaited player-vs-player battles to the game — and, in the process, delighting 40-year-olds dying to fight 9-year-olds. 

A patent application has been filed for a women’s bra that opens by clapping. The inventor advises against wearing it to indoor sporting events or your child’s school play.

A magnitude 7.0 earthquake struck off the coast of Anchorage, Alaska, causing officials to issue a tsunami warning for Alaska’s coast. Those officials were also hoping that Inuits know what “tsunami” means. 

All-Christmas station WDOK 102.1 Cleveland, pulled the Dean Martin version of ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ for its dated, predatory overtones in the #metoo era. WDOK also banned a newer holiday song ‘Have Sex With Me And I’ll Get You Out of Cleveland’. 

A photo of deceased President George Bush’s service dog, Sully, lying in front of his casket has gone viral. Sully is expected to attend Bush’s funeral, accompanied by a security detail of four Secret Service Dogs.

Michelle Obama postponed appearances in support of her book tour so that she can attend President Bush’s funeral. Oprah also paid tribute, expanding her annual Favorite Things list to include “not being dead”.

Kelsey McCarter, wife of a Tennessee high-school football coach, is seeking dismissal of sexual assault charges from a 14-year-old player who moved in with them. She claims the sex was consensual, and that the boy looked forward to two-a-day drills. 

Viewers of the live stream of Global Citizen Festival – a benefit concert in South Africa – were disappointed when Beyonce cut off video of her headlining set after 25 minutes. “This got me so crazy right now” said angry fans. 

Google has started rolling out transcriptions for their Call Screening service – which answers calls for Google’s Pixel phone users and sends them a text of the message.  So far, the most popular messages from screened calls are “When are you coming for Christmas?” and “Quick, call us with your social security number.”

The China premiere of U.S. movie hit ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ flopped at the box office, taking in a meager $1.2 million. Topping the box office with $150 million in ticket sales: ‘Crazy Poor Americans’. 

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16 U.S. Postal Service workers were sentenced to prison for assisting drug traffickers by delivering packages containing cocaine on their routes. The scheme was discovered when cocaine was repeatedly delivered to the wrong houses. 

A new study of cognitive behavior published in the journal Learning & Behavior concludes that dogs aren’t as smart as humans think. The study covered spatial/physical/social/sensory cognition and found that all of that doesn’t outweigh eating from the cat’s litter box. 

McDonald’s is disputing London Metropolitan University’s test that every ordering touch-screen it swabbed in U.K. restaurants tested positive for fecal matter. McDonald’s is not, however, disputing that the same results were found in the food. 

Google CEO Sundar Pichai will appear before Congress to answer questions about anti-conservative bias in their filtering of news and search results. Congressmen will have the choice of beginning their questions with Mr. Pichai or Hey, Google. 

Marriott revealed a data breach, exposing the personal information of about 500 million guests, including credit information. A similar breach was revealed for Motel 6 customers, but their credit is so bad the hackers can’t do anything with it. 

Democrats plan to investigate the Trump Company’s plan to give Vladimir Putin a $50 million penthouse atop a proposed Trump Tower in Moscow. They also plan to investigate why the layout called for 10′ x 10′ floor-mounted urinals next to the bed. 

Billionaire Richard Branson is funding an expedition to determine what’s at the bottom of Belize’s Great Blue Hole – a giant ocean cavern 125 meters deep – believed to be the world’s largest repository of scuba diver’s lost GoPros and car keys.

In Philadelphia, a woman denied beer because she lacked the money ignited hairspray and used it as a flamethrower toward the cashier. No one was injured, and the owner extinguished the burning Busch. 

University of Wisconsin – LaCrosse Chancellor Joe Gow angered school officials, using $5,000 from the school to pay porn actress Nina Hartley for a lecture. 72 students attended the lecture; fewer students attended 30-minute meet-and-greets costing $250. 

Fox News hosts apologized for a Fox & Friends segment where Kid Rock called comedian Joy Behar a ‘bitch’. Vegas bookmakers then placed even-money odds on the Behar/Rock rap battle to settle the beef. 

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To protect against active shooters, faculty and students at Oakland University in Michigan are being given hockey pucks to defend themselves. They’re being told to throw the pucks at armed killers, because hockey sticks aren’t in the budget. 

A Dallas wedding photographer was kicked out of the reception and arrested after having sex with a guest & urinating on a tree. The guest who had sex with her was allowed to stay, the newlyweds are awaiting their proofs, and the photographer took her own mugshot. 

The new Alliance of American Football had their first ever ‘Quarterback draft’ to select players for the eight teams in the new league. Recently cut Buffalo Bills quarterback Nathan Peterman went undrafted. Said a league spokesman “come on, we’re not that desperate.”

In an interview with the New York Post, President Trump predicted that he’ll never win a Nobel Peace Prize, then took a break to call U.S. Border Patrol agents to see how the tear-gassing of women and children was going. 

Chuck Holton, a correspondent appearing on NRATV, told show host Dana Loesch “we need to train our boys” to charge at active shooters — adding that he’s seen the tactic work countless times in Iron Man and Captain America movies. 

Quentin Tarantino married his longtime girlfriend, singer Daniella Pick. The couple celebrated their first dance as man & wife while the wedding party stood in a circle around them pointing handguns at each other. 

Southwest Airlines apologized to the family of a 5-year-old girl, Abcde [pronounced ‘AB-city’] Redford, after a gate agent mocked the girl’s name in person and on social media. Abcde’s mom said it isn’t her daughter’s fault she was named while giving birth during a field sobriety test. 

A detective is suing the NYPD, claiming that his female boss shoved her dirty underwear in his mouth after he criticized her hanging them in a unisex station bathroom. He is seeking undisclosed damages and reimbursement for gallons of Listerine.

The Chinese government has ordered an end to the controversial trial of gene-editing babies – at least until a team of government experts decides on the right price to charge billionaires for a gene-edited baby. 

At the L.A. Auto Show, Hyundai introduced the 2020 Hyundai Palisade, a 3-row SUV that seats 8 Americans or 20 Koreans. 

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A U.S. man vacationing in Australia survived multiple injuries after falling from a hang glider ride;  he’d hung on for 4 minutes after the pilot forgot to strap him in. The pilot defended himself, saying he’d turned on the fasten seat belt sign. 

Republican Cindy Hyde-Smith won the Mississippi run-off election for the state’s second U.S. Senate seat, despite making racially charged comments about public hangings and Confederate history. Declaring victory, she told supporters “the South shall rise again.”

He Jankui, the Chinese scientist who stunned the world by claiming he created the first gene-edited babies defended his actions, saying he did so to prevent them from contracting HIV…and to make them taller…and hot. 

Bruce Springsteen revealed in an Esquire interview that he struggles with mental health issues. He stated there was period of time in his songwriting when his depression completely shut down his ability to compare women to automobile engines. 

Pierce Brosnan reunited with his three on-screen stepchildren – Mara Wilson; Lisa Jakub; and Matthew Lawrence – to commemorate the 25th anniversary of Mrs. Doubtfire. They took pictures together, then visited Mrs. Doubtfire’s two graves. 

During a friendly round of golf with his son and fellow pro Fred Couples, Tiger Woods sunk his first actual hole-in-one in 20 years. Woods said it was good to see a real one, since he’s used to seeing “hole-in-one” next to his name in about 100 sex puns a week. 

Former Facebook manager Mark Luckie made public a memo he’d written to top execs accompanying his resignation. Luckie, who is black, cited the lack of black representation at Facebook. He said 3 other people resigned for the same reason,  putting Facebook’s black workforce at 2. 

Former FBI director James Comey said that new Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker is “not the sharpest knife in our drawer.” Whitaker replied, asking what Comey meant. 

According to parenting website Baby Center, Sophia and Jackson are the most popular girl, and boy, baby names for the sixth consecutive year. However, gay and hipster couples who dislike traditional gender identifications have made Teebeedee increasingly popular. 

Wearable fitness trackers from Apple, Fitbit & Garmin may soon transmit warnings to users based on irregular heart rate patterns. Messages could range from ‘high beats per minute’ to ‘see a doctor’ to ‘nice knowing you’.

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New Jersey lawmakers heard proposals to legalize recreational marijuana sales with a 12% added tax. Legal weed sold on Atlantic City and Wildwood boardwalks alone is projected to generate a zillion dollars in sales to local and tourist dirtbags. 

A mall in San Francisco is moving away from a centrally-located Santa on a large throne. Instead, Santa will roam the mall and stop for selfies with shoppers. But if asked, Santa will still sit down for a ‘sec so your small child can piss on his lap. 

  • “Who were those teenage girls I saw you making duck faces with?” asked an angry Mrs. Claus.

U.S. border agents fired tear gas at immigrants attempting to enter the country seeking asylum, including families with small children. “Great, now I have to sneak in next to a crying baby” said a road warrior immigrant. 

NASA’s InSight spacecraft successfully landed on Mars. It slowed from 12,000 miles per hour to 5mph as it neared the surface, right after it spotted a Martian State Police car. 

Police in Philadelphia are looking for the burglars who took $12,000 from a Family Dollar store — apparently right after the store sold 12,000 items. 

General Motors CEO Mary Barra confirmed her plan to let go of 15,000 employees. Barra said 1) this is really hard; 2) she wants to remember the great times they had together; 3) she hopes they can still be friends; & 4) that it’s not them, it’s her. 

President Trump slammed the GM cutbacks, saying that he spoke to CEO Barra and that he was “very tough” on her. Trump added that he’s sad to see the discontinued Chevy Cruze go, since he really loved driving his. 

Doctors and women are speaking out about a rash of cancer cases linked to ‘textured’ breast implants. Concerned women having their breasts examined are also warning fellow implant recipients that not everyone at the hospital asking to see their breasts are really doctors. 

A U.S. Border Patrol agent’s “gender reveal” stunt that caused a 45,000 acre brush fire was released by the Forest Service. He fired a shot at an exploding target that released blue powder, then burst into flames igniting the surrounding grass. Months later, his wife gave birth to a very hot boy. 

A group is warning against retrieval of the body of U.S. missionary John Chau’s body after he was murdered by the Sentinelese tribe. The warning comes from a group of sharks who aren’t done with it. 

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Kim Kardashian West said on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ that she was on ecstasy when she made her infamous sex tape. Her sex tape co-star, Ray J, was also on ecstasy that day — a stripper named Ecstasy. 

British researchers published a study claiming that increased use of self-driving cars could lead to more sex on the road — making Uber rides even more dangerous for women when the drivers don’t have to worry about steering. 

Rihanna’s fans were upset by singer Chris Brown – who’d been charged with felony assault for hitting her 10 years ago – commenting on Rihanna’s sexy topless Instagram photo. He posted an ‘eyes wide open’ emoji after deleting his original comment ‘can’t beat that!’

New Jersey police removed a man from Cheerleaders strip club in Gloucester City after he bought $150 in lap dances despite having only $11 cash — ten loose dimes and a roll of quarters that bruised one of the dancers.

General Motors announced it’s closing four manufacturing plants and terminating 15% of salaried executives to generate $6 billion in cash flow. Shares of GM rose 5% on the news; Christmas lists of GM workers’ kids were slashed 40%. 

The Washington Post reports President Trump is now focused on the ballooning federal deficit – deepening in large part due to his tax cuts – and ways to fix it. Aides say his top idea is to declare bankruptcy, close the U.S.A. and reopen under a new name. 

A husky dog missing from its home in Brooklyn, New York for 18 months was found outside of Tampa, Florida and will be returned home. The dog is just happy to get our of Florida, but is happy he got the opportunity to vote while he was there. 

The U.S. Postal Service confirmed that they exposed the data of over 60 million users. Hackers, however, are having difficulty monetizing the names and addresses of old people mailing birthday & sympathy cards. 

Hospitals in China are denying they delivered the first gene-edited babies, after reports of their birth surfaced from MIT and the Associated Press. “These are just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, blue-eyed blond haired Chinese babies” said a hospital exec. 

Smash hit video game Red Dead Redemption 2 is launching its online multiplayer game in beta. Players can now shoot other cowboys in the Old West, or, if that doesn’t work, they can move to Florida and shoot whatever they want. 

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Fox News retracted its story about a man claiming to be a Navy SEAL who had made a glass presidential sculpture for Donald Trump. The man was never a SEAL and most of his service medals were fake. Fox News apologized and said it was the most grievous error they’d made that day. 

Hailey Baldwin confirmed her marriage to Justin Bieber, changing the name on her Instagram profile to Hailey Bieber. She becomes the 1,432,988th young female Instagram’er to change her last name to Bieber. 

Walmart shoppers on social media called their Black Friday sales ‘chaos’ and criticized them for running out of hot merchandise like iPhones. Walmart said they tried to keep things organized, pairing off like-sized shoppers so they fought in their own weight class. 

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled the Cincinnati Reds do not have to pay a sales tax on the bobbleheads they give to fans for promotions. The Reds successfully argued fans already pay sales tax on tickets, and since the team sucks, they must be paying for the bobblehead. 

According to research published in journal Nature, a specific sugar molecule – mannose – slows the growth of cancer cells. Cancer treatment hospitals promptly raised the price of Cap’n Crunch w Mannose to $2,000/bowl. 

The mayor of Tijuana declared a humanitarian crisis as a group of 5,000 migrants fleeing Central America arrived in the city. He said Tijuana is not ready to handle so many broke men & women making irrational decisions this far ahead of Spring Break. 

A Florida woman who ordered a box of 500 worms for her pet lizard captured video of a woman stealing the parcel off of her doorstep. The woman with the lizard said the thief got ‘karma’, but the woman stealing the box said the jokes on her, because she works for a Worm Rescue. 

An American missionary was killed by a remote tribe of Sentinelese off the Bay of Bengal near India, who have little to no interactions with outsiders. The missionary was unsuccessful converting them to Christianity, but the tribe was successful converting the victim to soup. 

Amazon is making adjustments to help Alexa get ready for the holidays, updating her responses to include “can’t everybody just leave me ALONE for twenty goddamn minutes?!..”

Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving apologized for saying “F*ck Thanksgiving” after a home loss to the New York Knicks on Wednesday night. Irving said he gets how his words were perceived, but claims he was just discussing his plans for having groupies over to his house Thursday.