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Hey! Taking the day off from writing new jokes – but enjoy these zingers copied & pasted from Novembers past! Ed.

Scientists in Australia created diamonds from rocks in a lab at room temperature in just minutes. They did so by applying immense pressure – equivalent to that of a two-year girlfriend’s expectations on Christmas Eve.

A man told to wear a mask in IHOP wielded a knife and cut an employee’s arm before fleeing. The wound was treated with stitches because it was only a short stab.

The Vatican reportedly launched an inquiry with Instagram, asking how Pope Francis’ account ‘Liked’ a photo from a Brazilian butt model. Instagram replied to the Vatican, saying it was a result of Francis ‘double-tappin’ on dat azz’.

An Amazon driver stole a tv and chair valued at $5,800, delivering them to his own house. The driver was arrested and the items were delivered to the customer, who’s waiting for the driver to make bail so she can return them.

Amazon launched its online pharmacy on Tuesday. Customers can expect to have painkillers swiped off their porch on Thursday.

Ulysses ‘The Monster’ Diaz knocked out Donelei Benedetto in 3 seconds to record the fastest finish ever in a Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship bout. Diaz announced his next fight is when Walmart opens on Black Friday.

Vanderbilt University placekicker Sarah Fuller became the first woman to play in a Southeast Conference men’s football game. She would have tried a field goal in addition to kickoffs, but after two timeouts, Fuller was “almost ready”.

Joe Biden named an all-woman White House Communications Team. They’ve gotten together once and aren’t speaking to each other.

Website Mashed.com asked readers to name their favorite chain restaurant hamburger, and the winner was Five Guys, followed by In-N-Out. Checkers customers were unable to vote after being stabbed in the parking lot.

David Prowse, who portrayed Darth Vader in three Star Wars films, died. Following the deaths of actors portraying Princess Leia, R2D2 & Chewbacca, he’s the fourth Death Star.

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The CEO of cryptocurrency exchange Binance resigned after they were slapped with $4 billion in fines for money laundering and other illegal activities. They were also warned not to try paying the $4 billion with Dogecoin.

A mystery respiratory illness is spreading among dogs and baffling veterinarians. Vets are frantically contact-tracing to see if sick dogs sniffed the same infected butt.

Martha Stewart said she didn’t ‘cancel Thanksgiving’ after claiming she was “turkeyed out” on The Kelly Clarkson Show. Stewart stated she’s baking lemon tarts, cranberry tarts, chocolate pecan pies, pecan pies, pumpkin pies and a 20-pound bird. And boy, are her 30 assistants tired.

With Elon Musk allowing antisemitic and anti-Muslim comments on X, Paris Hilton’s media company pulled their advertising from the platform. But first, Paris asked her assistants to spell X just to make sure she was boycotting the right app.

American Airlines responded to viral video of a passenger’s wheelchair crashing on to the Miami International Airport tarmac as baggage handlers looked on. American assured everyone their baggage workers were far more careful handling the paraplegic who also flew to Miami in the cargo hold.

A woman flying from Florida to Philadelphia aboard Frontier Airlines pulled down her pants and threatened to urinate in the aisle because a flight attendant wouldn’t allow her to use the restroom. Since the woman wouldn’t pay Frontier Airlines $29, she had to wait and use the bucket like everyone else.

Susan Sarandon was dropped by her talent agency for remarks she made at a pro-Palensinian rally. Producers now have to recast and scrap two weeks of filming on Bad Moms Hanukkah.

Oprah Winfrey’s bestie Gayle King revealed on The Drew Barrymore Show that King’s former friend was secretly collecting $50,000 to set up meetings with her. She discovered it when the friend spilled her purse and King saw a $50,000 check from Drew Barrymore.

Daryl Hall is suing John Oates in a contract debt-related filing. Hall claims Oates is a little short.

Thousands of blue rubber balls washed up on a British beach were determined to come from a nearby power plant where they’re used to clean pipes. British men with blue balls on the beach fantasized about someone cleaning their pipes.

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The Rolling Stones announced a 16-city 2024 U.S. tour, sponsored by AARP. Representatives from AARP will be on hand to scold retirees about blowing $500 from their 401k on Rolling Stones tickets.

As rescue workers attempt to dig out 41 construction workers trapped in a tunnel collapse in India, hot meals of rice & lentils were delivered to them via a steel pipe. The Grubhub guy received no tip.

Before a school board reversed his decision, a Sherman, Texas high school principal left voicemails informing parents that transgender students could not perform roles in Oklahoma! aligned with their gender identity. He also said he’s not changing the title of the next production to The Music Person.

Celebrity & game show host Wayne Brady fought with a drunk driver who backed in to his car, then attempted to flee as officers arrived. The man was arrested, and Brady may appear to host his court hearing – Let’s Make A Plea Deal.

A man attempted to kidnap and kill his estranged wife at a suburban Philadelphia Walmart. Workers at the store thought it was a dress rehearsal for customers attempting to murder each other on Black Friday.

Six major media companies including Disney, NBCUniversal & Paramount halted spending on X after Elon Musk boosted antisemitic conspiracy theories. They’re shifting spending to Truth Social and its more pro-American conspiracy theories.

Best Buy, Lowes & Kohl’s are all forecasting a drop in annual holiday sales. However, liquor stores & OnlyFans say they’ll more than make up for the hit to the economy.

Kalpana Balan, a 26-year-old Indian woman, established a Guinness World Record for having 38 teeth – six more than the average human. She also broke a different record by flossing out a quarter pound of a burrito stuck between them.

Only 23 percent of women on dating app Bumble are actively seeking marriage as a goal. Relationship experts say this is great news for empowered, independent women – but also great news for hit-it-and-quit-it horny men.

A woman gave birth on a Pegasus Airlines jet just before departure on a flight from Istanbul to Marseilles. Paramedics boarded to assist in the delivery, then gently placed the baby under the seat in front of the mother, because overhead bins were full.

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Mariah Carey told an audience at the Billboard Music Awards “I don’t acknowledge time”. Unfortunately, her singing voice does.

Carey performed ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You‘ for the first time at an awards ceremony. In case you missed it, you can still hear it thirty times a day no matter where you are.

Argentina elected Javier Milei their new President. Milei wants to outlaw abortion, loosen gun laws, and change the national currency from the peso to the U.S. dollar. He’ll take office on December 10 and Argentina will become Texas a day later.

Artificial intelligence company Open AI, makers of ChatGPT, fired CEO Sam Altman, and replaced him with a guy nobody’s ever seen or heard of, Chad Geepeetee.

Singer Shakira settled a tax evasion case with the Spanish government, dashing the hopes of government tax accountants who wanted to see her lose her shirt.

USA Pickleball released their first equipment that claims to reduce noise by 50% – but can’t do anything about the ambulance noise responding to seniors health emergencies at the pickleball courts.

A Los Angeles Lakers fan crumbled to the court clutching his leg as he attempted to win money for sinking a half-court shot. Although he missed, he was so convincing being hurt without anyone touching him that five NBA teams offered him a tryout.

A woman selling her engagement ring on Facebook Marketplace after her marriage ended says she keeps getting messages from creeps wanting to date her. They ask if the ring is still available, and if she is.

Plumbers say the day after Thanksgiving is their busiest day of the year due to clogs in sinks & toilets – mainly from too much stuffing.

A streaming service is offering $2,000 to someone who will watch and rank 12 old Hallmark Christmas movies. The company is refusing to pay claims to men whose wives have seen them each 20 times and say they’re owed $40,000.

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A two alarm fire erupted on the Atlantic City boardwalk at the Resorts Casino. No injuries were reported, and the blaze settled who has Atlantic City’s hottest table games.

A Hawaii woman will have to pay $39,000 to American Airlines after her threats to crew & passengers forced her flight from Honolulu to Phoenix to be diverted. However, American said she’s still invited to apply for an AAdvantage Rewards Credit Card.

Following a high profile meeting between China President Xi Jinping and U.S. President Joe Biden, Biden told reporters he still believes Xi is a “dictator”. Xi did not comment immediately, saying he needed to return to China to dictate his response.

‘The Golden Bachelor‘ moved to the Fantasy Suites portion of the show, where Gerry Turner may choose to sleep with the three finalists before going to bed at 7:30.

Joasia Zakrewski, an ultramarathon runner, was banned from the sport for 12 months after riding in a car for part of a 50-mile race where she finished 3rd. She gave five stars to the Uber driver who picked her up when she was in 12th.

Ridley Scott’s biopic Napoleon debuted to mixed reviews. It’s 158 minutes long, making you wish it was more like Napoloeon – shorter.

A poll of women ages 18-40 say they prefer polite men over guys with a hot physique. So be polite and ask your girlfriend how her day was when she has sex with her personal trainer.

Philadelphia Police posted photos of luggage recovered after being stolen at Philadelphia Airport. Once victims complete a report identifying their bag, a Philadelphia Airport baggage handler can give it back to them in about six hours.

A Texas school board reversed their decision and will allow a transgender student to play the male lead in the high school’s production of Oklahoma! They admit it was a mistake, but doesn’t change how bad he sounds singing O What a Beautiful Mornin’.

Frontier Airlines dropped the price of their all-you-can-fly Go Wild! annual pass to $499 for a limited time. That’s the good news; the bad news is the clothes you’re wearing count as carry-ons that cost $99/flight. [Story h/t to JL]

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Israeli troops raided Gaza’s largest hospital, which, they claim, is being used as a headquarters by Hamas terrorists. Patients are also hoping they can do something about the food.

A mother who named her infant son Semen before moving to the U.S. asked for new name suggestions on Reddit. She received thousands of replies with alternate names, and a handful of replies from gay guys and women saying they really liked Semen.

Patients born with abnormally high cholesterol have shown improvements through the use of gene editing. They just need to be okay with skinny genes.

A Boeing 747 jet flying from New York’s JFK airport to Belgium had to turn around after a horse got loose in the cargo hold. The horse was also angry about being refused an upgrade.

PGA golf tour officials are finalizing negotiations for a merger with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Talks have been contentious, but so far no PGA executives have lost their head.

A New York landlord stabbed three tenants to death over their failure to pay rent. He was visited in jail by his attorney, and 50 applicants for the apartment.

Will Smith denies allegations he had sex with a man, yelling he kept that thing outta his mouth.

K-pop all-girl group BabyMonster announced that Hyeon has left the group to focus on her health and well-being, leaving Asa, Chiquita, Haram, Rora, Pharita and Ruka as the remaining members. “Wait, which of us left again?” they asked each other.

OnlyFans model Danii Banks was kicked out of Allegiant Stadium for flashing her bare breasts during the Las Vegas Raiders/New York Jets matchup. Security guards also considered a harsher punishment – forcing her to watch the rest of the game.

Jason & Travis Kelce teamed up to record a Christmas song, Fairytale of Philadelphia, for the Phildelphia Eagles charity album. After talking to a friend about how much he was getting paid, one of them rerecorded Fairytale of Philadelphia (Travis’ Version).

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Donald Trump’s oldest sister died, according to the New York City coroner, and according to work crews shutting down the driving range at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey to dig a hole.

As ABC’s hit The Golden Bachelor concludes, fans await the decision to name a senior ‘Golden Bachelorette’. Producers want a woman with good energy, camera presence, and – perhaps most important – who can stay alive for the whole show.

University of Michigan head football coach Jim Harbaugh will attend a Friday hearing regarding his suspension over the team illegally stealing playcalling signals from rivals. He’s sending his assistant coaches to scout other hearings to get a sense of how they go

The ESPNBet gambling app launches today. ESPN journalists are forbidden from placing wagers on sports they cover, but are free to become addicted to betting on all the other ones.

The United States Supreme Court adopted a Code Of Conduct. Justice Clarence Thomas asked when it starts because he’s pretty sure someone is getting him a new RV for Christmas.

Nepal banned TikTok, saying it disrupts social harmony. So tough luck if you wanted to see the Dalai Lama lip-synching to Cruel Summer (Taylor’s Version).

Tupac Shakur was nominated for a Grammy, and has a real shot.

As part of its comeback, Toys R Us is opening a store on the day before Thanksgiving in the U.S. largest retail location, Mall Of America. Parents are invited to bring their children to see which kid will have the first Toys R Us meltdown since 2018.

Tens of thousands of Jews rally in Washington DC today in support of Israel’s conflict with Hamas. It’s being treated by Homeland Security as a Level 1 Security Event – equal to the Super Bowl, only with a lot less athleticism and a lot more sweaters.

Applesauce pouches from WanaBana, Schnucks & Weis are being recalled due to high concentrations of lead. Parents are urged to check product labels, and to also see if their toddler feels heavier.

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The FDA is banning brominated vegetable oil – used primarily in fruit-flavored soft drinks – because it causes damage to the heart, liver & kidneys. So say goodbye to Mountain Dew Citrus Swollen Liver Blast.

Animal rescuers in Long Island, New York pulled a great horned owl from the grille of a woman’s car, saving its life. The owl was stuck in the grille and in the spokes of a tricycle already lodged there.

Studies find a double-digit percentage of people don’t know the difference between Switzerland and Sweden. This doesn’t present a problem unless they’re traveling, ordering Swiss meatballs or buying a Swedish army knife.

Chinese electronics giant Huawei announced a new electric vehicle to compete with Tesla’s Model S. The Huawei car can parallel park itself on the seventh try.

Kim Kardashian revealed she has a secret tattoo, an infinity symbol inside her lower lip. Ironically, the tattoo has been seen by far fewer people than have seen her bare breasts, buttocks & vagina.

$2 bills are now valued by collectors and may be worth thousands. So hopefully you held on to a couple after you mowed that cheap old lady’s lawn decades ago.

Iceland temporarily banned tourists from bathing in the Blue Lagoon geothermal pool following a series of earthquakes. The already-warm water was made moreso by the humans already in the lagoon pissing themselves at the first tremors.

A new Pew Research study finds 57% of Americans tip 15% or less for an average sit-down restaurant meal. 22% say they tip 20%. The other 21% run.

K-Mart Australia removed a ham storage bag from shelves, labeled Merry Ham-Mas!, due to insensitivity amidst the Israel/Hamas war. They also removed the Happy Ham-ukkah! bag for kosher reasons.

Harry Styles shaved his head. Fans aren’t thrilled with the less hairy style.

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An Arizona woman was trampled to death by an elk she was trying to feed. The woman’s body was found next to a bag from Taco Bell.

The Washington Zoo returned panda bears Mei Xiang and Tian Tian along with their cubs to China. In exchange, China returned several American grizzly bears detained at the Shanghai Zoo for espionage.

Ohio voters legalized recreational marijuana. But it will still take months for Cleveland to move up the America’s Most Livable Cities list.

A magnitude 5.3 earthquake struck near the western Texas town of Mantone. The quake started at 4:27 a.m. and lasted about a minute, at which point Texans stopped shooting at it.

The FDA approved a new injectable weight loss drug, Zepbound, following a lengthy clinical trial that resulted in Kelly Clarkson looking terrific.

GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is claiming censorship after airport retailer Hudson Booksellers said it won’t sell her upcoming memoir, MTG. Hudson said they based their decision on limited shelf space in airport stores, and Taylor Greene’s supporters being illiterate.

Actors union SAG-AFTRA ended their 118-day strike. Following member approval of the new deal on Friday, actors and studios will get back to work producing crap.

A brawl erupted outside the Los Angeles screening of a film documenting the Hamas terror attack in Israel. Across town, a bigger brawl erupted with hardcore MCU fanboys demanding refunds after a screening of The Marvels.

A former Maryland middle school teacher was arrested and charged with having sex with a student eight years ago when she was 22 and the student was 14. The former student described the sex as “memorable”.

A flight from the U.K. to the U.S. departed with two broken windows in the passenger cabin, and reached 15,000 feet before anyone noticed. Flight attendants attempted to fix them with ‘unruly passenger’ duct tape, but the flight turned around anyway.

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Ohio voted to protect legal access to abortion in the state constitution. Students in multiple Texas high school districts voted for Cleveland as the destination for their senior class trip.

Charles III gave the first King’s Speech to British Parliament in 72 years, following his ascension to the throne after the death of his mother. It started rough, with Charles asking “so, anybody here from out of town?”

Ivanka Trump arrived in New York to testify in the financial fraud trial of the Trump Organization. The state’s Attorney General said she may also subpoena Tiffany Trump, who never worked for the organization, just so she doesn’t feel left out.

Actor Patrick Dempsey was named People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, in what Donald Trump calls another rigged election, and what Dempsey’s manager calls a lifeline keeping the forgotten actor from appearing in Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

Disney Parks is cracking down on visitors who violate their line policies for the disabled – banning several wheelchair paraplegics who mistakenly stood up to prove they were tall enough for the rides.

Philadelphia voters elected Cherelle Parker as the city’s first woman mayor. Philly business owners are worried their cost of doing business will go up since they now have to put their bribes in Louis Vuitton bags.

Pizza Hut is offering a snake meat pizza in Hong Kong. Several confused delivery drivers were fired for exposing their snake meat to customers.

Four men were charged with the theft of an 18-carat gold toilet from the home of Winston Churchill, valued at $6 million. Although the value dropped significantly after the thieves installed it the morning of Taco Tuesday.

Kim Kardashian’s SKIMS shapewear brand is collaborating with Swarovski crystals, leading to emergency room visits for women suffering genital abrasions after putting the briefs on inside-out.

A Canadian woman delivered a 14 pound, 8 ounce baby boy measuring 21.6 inches, breaking the hospital record. The infant was delivered by c-section and a crane to lift him out.