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A Washington state man was charged in connection with a murder-for-hire plot where he contracted to have his wife killed, but the killer murdered her sister by mistake. He’s charged with conspiracy, and illegally demanding a buy-one-get-one-free murder.

An American Airlines flight attendant spilled a tray of drinks on the company’s CEO Doug Parker. Parker then asked if he could have a full can of soda and she said no.

An 80-year-old New York City man was arrested for the 1973 murder of two women in Virginia Beach. At his arraignment, he said he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling teenage relatives sending DNA to Ancestry.com.

Lori Loughlin now faces money laundering charges in the college admission scandal. A judge spent 20 minutes telling her that the charge was for sending money to a fake offshore charity, and not like the time D.J. put her wallet in the washing machine.

A social media columnist has coined the phrase “cloaking” – a form of “ghosting” where you not only stand up your date, but also block them on every social media and dating app. In other words, it’s how you treat your parents, except for the date part.

A Quebec family returning from a road trip to Florida kept driving to Canada after their 87-year-old patriarch died in the car, to avoid U.S. health care costs. They were pleased with the savings, but angry at being pulled over six times after tying him to the roof.

Uber introduced Uber Vouchers, where participating hotels, restaurants and clubs can place credits in customer’s Uber accounts to help pay for their rides and harrowing assaults.

A burglar broke into Atlanta Braves outfielder Nick Markakis’ Atlanta home last month while he was away, stealing five guns and $20,000 cash. Markakis said he meant to bring at least one of the guns with him to carry while he played right field in Philadelphia.

Walmart is expanding its use of in-store robots for cleaning and inventory, saying they want human workers to spend time interacting with customers. Walmart also said they’re updating the robots software so they’ll steal fewer Xboxes.

Warner Brothers ordered the Trump 2020 campaign to stop using music and fonts from 2013 Batman movie ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ in their promo materials. However, they said Trump can use the Bane mask when he talks so it’ll be harder to understand him.

 

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New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski announced his retirement. Gronkowski said he intends to start a think tank, then corrected himself and said he thinks he’ll get tanked.

People with mental health issues are three times more likely to have crippling debt, according to new research conducted by their $200-an-hour shrinks.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller completed his investigation, finding no cooperation between the 2016 Trump presidential campaign and Russia. Russia agreed, saying their work would have been too hard if they had to keep explaining what they were doing to members of the Trump family.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft issued a public apology for the sex at a Florida massage parlor to which he’s plead not guilty, — so who knows what, exactly, he’s apologizing for.

  • Florida police say they have video of Kraft performing a sex act with a massage parlor worker, having installed hidden cameras after attending a how-to seminar run by the New England Patriots video staff.

A Houston, Texas woman gave birth to three sets of twins in nine minutes, crediting the use of fertility drugs and the world’s first delivery room slip n’ slide.

Nikki Bella is retiring from the WWE, saying her body just can’t handle the punishment anymore. Bella had thought her body would recover once she stopped having sex with John Cena.

A drunk American Airlines passenger was arrested for urinating on a woman’s luggage during a Chicago-to-Charlotte flight. Fellow passengers were disgusted, but impressed with the stream that easily reached the overhead bin.

Ethiopia Airlines CEO said the pilots involved in the fatal crash of a Boeing 737 MAX 8 jet received the proper training. He didn’t say they passed it, but they got it.

Jordan Peele’s new horror film ‘Us’ debuted to $70.3 million in U.S. ticket sales, including $25 from two white ‘bro’s going out of their way to tell you how much it sucked.

Researchers reviewing the grade point averages of Florida school students found children born in September were the smartest. The study was completed over the course of several years as researchers tracked down enough Florida students that finished school.

 

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AT&T claims that it’s made a world’s-first 5G connection, which it used to tell recipients their rates are going up on account of their awesome 5G connection.

Cesar Sayoc, suspect in a plot to mail pipe bombs to critics of President Trump, is a former collegiate soccer player, body builder and male dancer.  Pipe Bomber was also his stripper name.

A Sun Country Airlines pilot was arrested and accused of bringing a gun to his flight from a Florida airport. The pilot made no commentary, but his attorney said that you’d understand if you saw the people who fly on Sun Country Airlines.

Humanetics, a designer & maker of automobile crash test dummies, said that they’re making larger dummies because Americans are getting bigger. They’re also trying to make the dummies more accurate by teaching them how to text.

  • Humanetics is the second-largest maker of fat motionless dummies, trailing only Fox News.

E! Network plastic-surgery-correction show ‘Botched’ returns for a fifth season. The newest episode features Pixee Fox, a woman who says she’s had 200 surgeries, including designing some of her own, such as transplanting pubic hair to her eyebrows, and the surgical removal of crab lice from her eyebrows.

American Airlines passenger & fashion designer Anna Knight claims her checked bag was returned with all of her belongings stolen and replaced with ‘airport equipment’. And by ‘airport equipment’ she meant stuff that baggage handlers stole from other luggage that they didn’t want.

The Simpsons is reportedly dropping the Apu character altogether, disappointing those who were hoping he’d .. come again!

NBC News announced that Megyn Kelly Today will not return in the 9a.m. time slot, and that Kelly’s spot will be taken by other Today anchors. Insiders say that Kelly would like to return to her old job at Fox News, but Fox execs say they’re happy with the team of racists that already work there.

In an effort to win back users, Snapchat will debut a longform sci-fi thriller story told in a series of texts. The thriller is called ‘Dark Matter’ and is said to focus on faceless images of big black body parts that disappear.

Hershey introduced ‘Hot Cocoa Kisses’, its first holiday-only Hershey Kisses flavor in ten years. Hershey said they’re excited to ring in the season with a new way to drive winter weight gain and type 2 diabetes.

McRib is back for a limited time at McDonald’s restaurants, according to a new Surgeon General’s warning.

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American Airlines, United Airlines and Frontier Airlines have asked the US government to not use their planes to transport undocumented migrant children who have been separated from their families. “Yeah, look what we did to those dogs” said a United spokesman.

  • Allegiant Air said they’d consider taking the kids, but only if they agreed to fly the plane because so many of their pilots have quit.

AMC Theaters launched AMC Stubs A-List, a $19.95/month subscription service to compete with MoviePass. A-List will allow subscribers to see up to three movie showings at AMC locations per week, provided two of them are ‘Gotti’.

Walmart said that it’s “disturbed” one of its former locations in Texas is being used as a shelter for immigrant children separated from their detained parents. Walmart conceded they’re not accustomed to seeing people in their buildings receiving health care.

President Trump signed an Executive Order ending the separation of children from parents detained for illegal immigration. The President expressed excitement that children can be moved to the same squalid detention centers as their parents.

President Trump cancelled the annual Congressional Picnic this week, saying it didn’t feel right to hold it amidst immigration conflict – and since KFC & McDonald’s don’t offer catering.

Facebook has added “game show” capabilities to Facebook Live streaming. So far viewers’ favorite shows are “Watch Us Sell Your Personal Data”; “How Many Punches Before This Pedestrian Goes Down?”; & “Candid Sex Camera”.

A Philadelphia woman suffered minor injuries when she was struck in the face with a hot dog fired from a cannon by the Phillie Phanatic. She has no plans to sue the team, unlike the employee who contracted mesothelioma from repeatedly firing the cotton-candy cannon.

Intel CEO Brian Krzanich resigned after admitting to a past consensual relationship with an employee.

– First he said they were just friends, then admitted he was Intel Inside
– No statement yet, he’s still processing
– Right now the chips are down, but he plans to take Ctrl, find an Alt assignment, Del this from his memory and reboot his career.

A Missouri father, 71, & his son, 30, are under arrest for beating up a man after an argument about Pokemon Go. The two were charged with assault, but picked up valuable experience points.

An Indiana cheerleading coach was arrested and charged with seducing a male student at a booze-fueled party. Police questioned the boy to see if they were intoxicated, asking “Did she have spirits? How about you?”

 

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Doctors at Johns Hopkins University completed the first successful penis & scrotum transplant on an injured military veteran. The procedure took 14 hours; they would have finished in 3 hours, but the patient’s wife rejected the first three penises they picked out for him.

  • The donor’s testicles weren’t transplanted because of ethical concerns, and because doctors found out the recipient was allergic to nuts.

Scientists in Singapore have created a robot that can assemble an IKEA kitchen chair in 10 minutes, although by the end of the job, the robot is no longer speaking to its wife.

Julie Sweet, CEO of consulting firm Accenture, says she’s targeting an equal number of men & women working there – up from 36% women, currently – by 2025. She says the key is finding more women who are good at lying about being able to fix Accenture client companies’ problems.

Waffle House shooter Travis Reinking has been apprehended. Officials had been searching over a day for Reinking – the man behind the biggest mass casualty at a Waffle House since their ill-fated “All you can eat biscuits & gravy” promotion.

Korean Air CEO Cho Yang-ho fired his two daughters, Heather and Emily – both senior executives at the company – for their embarrassing public incidents over the last several years, including yelling at flight attendants and tossing a drink in a man’s face. Yang-ho called it a difficult decision, but one he made after much Seoul searching.

Sears CEO and majority owner Eddie Lampert told investors he may acquire some of Sears’ real estate as well as the Kenmore brand. Lampert then sat and frowned as reporters made fun of his Toughskins jeans.

GQ magazine is under fire for including the Bible on its list of ’21 Classic Books You Don’t Need to Read’. GQ’s writers angered Christians even more, asking if Jesus ever heard of a decent haircut, and wondering why the Lord and Savior wore sandals everywhere during March & April.

Police tasered and arrested American Airlines passenger Jacob Garcia for inappropriately touching a female passenger. Garcia [pictured below] confessed his plan to don a black top hat and cape and tie the woman to an active runway to be run over by an approaching 737.

jacob garcia

 

A Florida man was arrested for hitting his boyfriend in the head with a Big Mouth Billy Bass wall hanging. The man was charged with domestic battery, and Big Mouth Billy Bass cancelled multiple upcoming singing performances while he recovers.

Mattel CEO Margo Georgiadis is leaving the company after just one year. Mattel has lost half its value as sales of Barbie, Hot Wheels and other toys have lagged. Georgiadis will remain in an advisory role until May, when she’ll hop in her pink convertible and return to her Dream House.

 

 

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A Texas woman, accused of sending explosives to Barack Obama and Texas Governor Greg Abbott, was apprehended by federal authorities. Investigators matched a cat hair found under the shipping label on one of the packages to the woman’s cat – who has entered the Witness Protection Program at an undisclosed retirement community.

Researchers at Penn State University write that the common housefly is more disgusting than originally thought, acting as an “airborne shuttle for disease”. Penn State was immediately sued by American Airlines, who trademarked the phrase “airborne shuttle for disease.”

Boulder, Colorado was named the Happiest City in America. Respondents cited the wide availability of recreational marijuana and…that’s about it.

A hunter in Sherman, New York shot and killed a woman after mistaking her for a deer. “That’s no dear, that was my wife!” said her cut-up widowed husband.

Four pit bulls attacked a man behind a Philadelphia home on Thanksgiving night, and the man died later at a hospital. However, local news reported that the dog bites were not the cause of death, leading to speculation that the man had complained to the dogs about illness from the Thanksgiving dinner they made for him.

Arizona State University rescinded a journalistic excellence award it presented to Charlie Rose in 2015. However, since Rose walked naked in front of women and repeatedly made lewd overtures to them, he’s been named the Honorary Chairman of every Arizona State fraternity.

Macy’s credit card processors stopped working for an extended period on Black Friday. “Credit card processors” are what Macy’s calls the angry men & women working the checkout.

President Trump tweeted that he was approached by Time Magazine to be their 2017 Person of the Year, but that he turned it down because it would require a lengthy interview and photo shoot. Time writers & photographers are reportedly bummed out because now they have to go all the way to North Korea.

A Dartmouth University study reveals that people who shop at warehouse clubs like Costco, Sam’s and BJ’s eat 11% more fat and 5% more sugar than those who don’t shop at clubs. Club members were shocked by the information and assumed they were getting at least 20% more fat and 10% more sugar by buying in bulk.

Apple is facing new accusations that its iPhone X is being manufactured by Chinese high school students who work 11-hour days to meet a mandatory “work experience” requirement to graduate. Apple CEO Tim Cook, speaking at a high school graduation, told students “this isn’t the end of your iPhone X assembly career, it’s the beginning of your iPad assembly career.”

A burned body was found on top of a SEPTA Regional Rail car in downtown Philadelphia. Riders of the train reported that it still smelled better than most of the passengers.

 

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Amazon announced a trial of Amazon Key, a service utilizing security cameras that allow delivery persons’ entry to Prime members’ homes to drop off packages. Amazon said the concept tested very favorably with single moms who rate their UPS guy an 8 or higher.

Bangkok, Thailand is holding a Royal Cremation Ceremony for King Bhumibol Adulyadej, who died a year ago. The Thai cremation does not utilize fire; they just keep stuffing red chilis in the King’s mouth until his body burns up.

The NAACP, citing what they believe are racially-motivated incidents, has advised black passengers to avoid flying on American Airlines. The NAACP’s warning was swiftly echoed for different reasons by everyone else who has ever flown American Airlines.

A Twitter poll from Men’s Health magazine found the top answer to “What pisses you off most at the gym?’ was ‘machine hogging’, followed by ‘not wiping down equipment’, followed by ‘being there’.

Ford Motor Company announced a major shakeup, promoting five women to senior executive positions. Corporate earnings forecasts were adjusted downward, due to higher heating costs for the women’s offices.

A test of popular baby food brands by the Clean Label Project found that over a third of the samples tested positive for lead, and over 60% were positive for arsenic. Parents are said to be concerned about the arsenic, but that the lead actually leaves their babies feeling pretty full.

Kellogg’s will replace boxes of Corn Pops after getting complaints that the box art – depicting cartoon corn pops at a shopping mall – is racially insensitive. The pops are mostly shown playing around, but a lone brown corn pop in the scene is a janitor waxing the floor. Kellogg’s apologized, saying the janitor was supposed to be working on a box of Cocoa Krispies.

Figures from the British Horse Racing Authority show that thoroughbreds owned by England’s Queen Elizabeth II have earned her $8 million over the last 30 years. Although another report from the British Gaming Authority shows that she’s lost $20 million on craps.

A four-time Iditarod dog sled champion, who finished second in this year’s race, claimed sabotage after his four dogs tested positive for opioid painkillers. Other mushers aren’t so sure, noting the dogs’ poor obedience school grades and a stolen prescription pad found in their doghouse.

President Trump pushed back at outgoing GOP senators and outspoken critics Bob Corker and Jeff Flake, describing his visit to the Senate to push tax reform as a “love fest”. He then returned to the White House to meet with Melania, in what observers described as a “frigid fest.”