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The Invisible Man brought in close to $30 million this weekend – as billionaire Tom Steyer checked his savings account and dropped out of the presidential race.

As part of an agreement to lower the number of U.S. troops in Afghanistan, over 5000 Taliban fighters will be released, and added to UFC lineups in Kabul.

Tony Romo agreed to a record $17 million per year deal to remain an NFL analyst at CBS Sports. Meanwhile, at ESPN, Booger McFarland agreed to pay $2 million per year to keep saying nonsense on Monday Night Football.

Washington state is investigating a possible coronavirus outbreak at a nursing home. The good news is that the visitors lounge was empty anyway.

Buckingham Palace officially confirmed that Harry & Meghan will be allowed to retain their royal titles – Black Sheep & Golddigger.

Workers at Disney World retrieved an iPhone 11 from the Seven Seas Lagoon attraction after it had been dropped in the water at a Halloween party – though the phone’s owner was shocked to see naked pics of Ariel that Sebastian took under the sea.

The Surgeon General urged Americans to stop buying face masks to prevent coronavirus, saying the shortage is hindering the ability to get them for medical professionals and ugly people.

The last crew members on board the contaminated Diamond Princess cruise liner were evacuated, and the ship will return to port to be sterilized. Once seaworthy, it will relaunch with the captain breaking a bottle of Clorox over its bow.

Google apologized after its Nest home security cameras stopped working during a 17-hour outage. Subscribers to video cloud storage will receive a $5 refund, and creeps will get an update of what the small child they’re stalking did during the 17 hours.

Public Enemy fired Flavor Flav. Founder Chuck D said the group has been called a lot of names over the years, but never flavorless.

Americans will soon rely on methods other than passwords as the main form of cybersecurity, according to Vijay Balasubramaniyan – CEO of Pindrop, an online security company – who admits he uses his last name as a password and no one has cracked it.

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Gayle King interviewed R. Kelly for CBS, the same week her friend Oprah Winfrey interviewed men who allege sexual abuse by Michael Jackson. The phrase “girrll pleeeease” is expected to be said several times when King & Winfrey meet up.

A North Carolina artist reimagined Disney Princesses as modern-day adults with careers. For instance, Mulan is a Title IX lawyer, Sleeping Beauty is a coffee company CEO, and Ariel is a pop star/record producer navigating the sexist music industry where men want to play her scales.

An anonymous winner claimed the largest U.S. lottery prize in history, an $878 million Mega Millions jackpot. As a resident of South Carolina, the winner plans to invest the funds in the world’s largest backyard above-ground pool and trampoline.

President Trump called Jay Barrett of West Haven, Connecticut, a Trump supporter reportedly on his death bed, who wanted to talk to the President before he died. The White House was praised for its response, and for its savvy filtering out dying citizens who also want to speak to Trump to tell him to f**k off once before they go.

Forbes Magazine declared cosmetics mogul Kylie Jenner the youngest-ever “self-made billionaire”, followed by intense debate regarding how much of Kylie’s wealth is self-made, and how much is implants.

Women alleging sexual assault at properties promoted by Trip Advisor claim that, when they complained, Trip Advisor told them to mention the sexual assault in “negative reviews”. Most of the women were angered by the advice, though some complied with reviews like “Almost Died, But Soft, Plentiful Towels”.

Oscar winner Rami Malek is rumored to be the villain in the 25th James Bond film. Few details are available, although the villain is said to speak in an emotionless monotone that bores people to death.

Fitbit introduced new, less-expensive wearable fitness trackers, as part of its ongoing effort to be more cost-competitive with cheeseburgers.

Team Brad Rutter won the $1 million grand prize in Jeopardy’s All-Star Team Challenge, as America welcomes the return of traditional Jeopardy!, where you can make fun of contestants who you think might actually be dumber than you.

Family Dollar plans to close 400 stores. Sales failed to meet forecasts due to a declining trend in depressing children’s birthday parties in the Deep South.

 

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Hurricane Michael roared into the Florida Panhandle as a Category 4 storm. The official death toll stands at two persons, but some worry that will rise as they reach more remote areas. On the bright side, the storm closed 18 Waffle Houses so officials said that’ll save some lives.

Kylie Jenner revealed she’s using lip fillers again. “Wait, let’s hear more about this!” said a family whose home was destroyed by Hurricane Michael.

In a study published in Scientific Reports, scientists in Spain developed a self-replicating form of quantum artificial life. Other scientists dismissed the report when they found the self-replication of a new life was just turning Super Mario into Mini Mario.

Owner of the NFL’s Jacksonville Jaguars, Shad Khan, is said to be exploring the tax implication of playing home games in London, but keeping the team based in Jacksonville. He’s also said to be exploring the implications of retraining football hooligans to become American football hooligans.

Audiophiles have a new “listening bar” in London called Moonglow. The café will be equipped with high-end sound for visitors to enjoy music while they sip coffee and drinks in between pummeling writers who wreck the vibe by clicking on their laptop.

CNN host Don Lemon is being called racist for his statement that rapper Kanye West is “the token negro of the Trump administration.” Lemon’s supporters, however, countered that there’s been a staff opening ever since Omarosa’s departure.

City Works Eatery & Pour House, a gigantic sports bar, is opening at Disney Springs at Orlando, Florida’s Walt Disney World Resort. The bar will feature over 80 beers on tap, and a special team of bouncers assigned to keep Snow White, Ariel & the other Princesses from being harassed.

The U.S. Postal Service is proposing its largest rate hike since 1991, taking the price of a Forever stamp to 55 cents. A spokesperson said the rate hike is due to Forever seeming a lot longer since the Trump administration started.

Former UFC and current WWE star Ronda Rousey called fellow wrestlers Nikki & Brie Bella “a bunch of untrustworthy bitches”.  Rousey defends her title against Nikki in the WWE Evolution all-women pay-per-view event – a series of all-female battles with fixed outcomes bought by horny male losers striking a huge victory for feminism.

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts has reportedly ordered a new investigation into Brett Kavanaugh. The investigation stems from Roberts’ butthurt omission from getting free Washington Nationals tickets that Kavanaugh reportedly incurred a six-figure debt to purchase.