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Texas Senator and Harvard-educated numbskull Ted Cruz suggested that the Southern Border wall be paid for by convicted drug trafficker Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Through his attorneys, El Chapo said he’ll think about it, but he’s really more of a tunnel guy.

Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are denying a viral rumor that they ‘recycle’ uneaten pizza, and are secretly happy that no one is asking about the chicken nuggets.

Jerry Stritzke, the CEO of outdoor gear retailer REI, is resigning after the disclosure of a ‘personal, consensual’ relationship that fellow executives deemed a conflict of interest. Stritzke regrets failing to inform the board that he was making out with a guy named Eddie Bauer.

Fitness model Michelle Lewin posted a photo on Instagram of a feral pig biting her buttocks during a photo shoot in the Bahamas. The pig seen in the photo is female, so there goes that myth about men.

NCAA sack leader Jaylon Ferguson of Louisiana Tech has reportedly been uninvited from the NFL Combine because of a simple battery conviction during his freshman year. Commissioner Roger Goodell reminded all NFL prospects how important it is to wait until you make an NFL team before you start beating people up.

A vape pen stored in an overhead bin caught fire during boarding of a Delta flight. The fire was extinguished and passengers were switched to a different jet. “My bad” said the 12-year-old owner of the vape pen, who then bought a new one in the terminal.

Nintendo announced Tetris 99, a battle-royale version of Tetris where 99 people play simultaneously against one another while they goof off at work.

Oklahoma approved a bill allowing adults over 21 to own & carry handguns without a permit. The bill includes funding for additional lanes on interstate highways to be designated for road rage firefights.

The Masked Singer revealed its latest mystery participant Wednesday night. After a performance of Elle King’s ‘Ex’s & Oh’s’ the Alien lifted their mask and was revealed as La Toya Jackson. The judges then promptly asked her to put the mask back on.

In a scathing ’60 Minutes’ interview, former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe said that if President Trump was ‘on the box at Quantico, he would break the machine’. By ‘the box’, McCabe was referring to either a polygraph, or a scale that measures body fat.

 

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Melania Trump invited Joshua Trump, an 11-year-old from Wilmington, Delaware who claims he’s been bullied because of his last name, to attend the State of the Union address. “Hey, whatever gets me out of Wilmington, Delaware” said Joshua.

  • Joshua fell asleep at the State of the Union, and awoke to find that he’d gotten $5 million in donations to run for a Delaware congressional seat as a Democrat.

President Trump said he’ll build a “human wall” if necessary on the Southern U.S. border — adding he’s encouraged by the flood of applications already received from Guatemalan immigrants seeking to be human bricks.

A North Carolina college student living in an off-campus apartment thought her home was haunted by ghosts, but then found a 30-year-old man in her closet wearing her clothes. Police said it isn’t a first for a North Carolina man wearing women’s clothing to stay in the closet.

New York Giants QB Eli Manning and wife Abby welcomed their fourth child, Charlie, just after midnight on Super Bowl Sunday. The baby would have arrived late Saturday, but Manning let the clock run a full 35 seconds before changing the play to Big Push.

The Los Angeles Dodgers finally revealed that a 79-year-old woman died after being struck by a foul ball at Dodger Stadium during a game last August. Paramedics were credited with a blown save.

In NHL action, the San Jose Sharks defeated the Winnipeg Jets in their annual ‘Manitoba Side Story’ game.

Roger Alvarado, 22, was sentenced to six months in jail for breaking into Taylor Swift’s New York townhouse. Alvarado used the shower, slept in Swift’s bed, and co-wrote the diss track about him for Swift’s next album.

Richard Branson announced Virgin Voyages – an adults-only cruise line launching with new cruise ship Scarlet Lady in 2020. In keeping with the 21-and-over theme, the Scarlet Lady will take to the seas with a strain of norovirus first placed in a petri dish in 1998.

Kendall Jenner debuted new bangs. Her hair, not NBA player/boyfriends.

Google released Password Checkup, a new Chrome browser security extension. It tells you if your recent passwords have been detected in a data breach, and tells everyone whose password is PASSWORD or PASSWORD1 that they’re on their own.

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President Trump issued government shutdown threats via Twitter, saying his $5 billion border wall is effective, and that he “knows tech better than anyone.” Trump then set down his unsecured smartphone and asked Barron how the thing he’s holding makes Mario’s go-kart move on the tv.

A GoFundMe for the border wall is now one of the site’s Top 5 biggest money-raisers ever. The campaign was started by a Purple Heart recipient and triple-amputee, who echoes Trump’s sentiment that wall-climbing is hard.

Valeri Spiridonov, a Russian man in Florida suffering from a muscle-wasting disease, canceled plans to undergo the world’s first head transplant after his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Spiridonov said that at this magical time of year, it’s better to give head than receive it. [ h/t to SES ! ]

  • Meanwhile, nobody is more relieved at the transplant being called off than the donor.

Svetlana Zhakarova, a former mistress of one-time New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, claims that while his wife was away, he snuck her into his NYC apartment in a suitcase. She called the experience humiliating, but added that she swears by the quality and storage capacity of Samsonite luggage.

Amazon announced that Prime Now members who order by 9p.m. on Christmas Eve will get packages delivered before Midnight. In tandem, Amazon Prime Now Dirtbags guarantee that they’ll steal it off of your porch by 1a.m. Christmas morning.

Wawa, Sheetz & 7-Eleven all announced that they’ll be open all, or part, of Christmas Day. They invite families to stop in to grab a hot drink, or just sit in the parking lot to watch customers and gain a better understanding of Seasonal Depression.

WhatsApp chat groups are spreading illegal child porn. Parent company Facebook claimed they’re doing all they can, with Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg clicking the Wow! emoji on the story after she read it.

Pope Francis urged sexual predator priests and bishops to turn themselves in. As for cardinals, he said they should hold off because he needs some help moving furniture when he gets a new apartment on January 1st.

A former chemistry major at Lehigh University admitted to poisoning his roommate’s food & drink with toxic metal thallium. The chemistry major fell just short of getting an automatic 4.0 because his roommate lived.

Samsung is reportedly working on its own version of Google Pixel’s popular low-light photography feature ‘Night Sight’, to be called Bright Night. Samsung said Galaxy phone owners feel left out because they can’t take flashless naked selfies in the dark without awaking their spouses.

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Illegal Mexican border crossings increased from 36k in February to over 50k in March, according to data from Ticketmaster affiliate Smugglemaster.

Adding to the inflow of illegals, in early March Carnival Cruise Lines christened its newest vessel, Enchantment Of The 40-Foot Cargo Trailer.

President Trump talked border security at a speech in West Virginia – well known as the #1 Dream Destination for immigrants as pictured on their ‘Become A Heroin Dealer’ Vision Boards.

Trump told the same crowd that “millions and millions” of people voted illegally in California. No additional details were given, but it’s believed he was referring to the Academy Motion Picture Arts & Sciences Lifetime Achievement Award for Harvey Weinstein.

A survey of large corporate IT departments finds that many are moving away from passwords and toward biometric data such as retinal scans and fingerprints, in an effort to minimize hacking. One drawback is that the IT Help Desks of these companies have a hard time helping employees that lose their fingers and eyeballs.

Police in Youngstown, Ohio have issued a warning about so-called “zombie raccoons” – raccoons they believe to be infected with distemper, that appear in the daylight as opposed to remaining nocturnal. The raccoons are dangerous, but may be leaving the area for Hollywood to pitch their ‘Zombie Raccoon’ tv show.

Defending champion Sergio Garcia stunned fans watching The Masters when he hit five consecutive balls in the water on the par-5 15th hole, taking a score of 13. Tournament officials did, however, allow him to hit every fan saying “hell, I coulda done that!” with his 5-iron.

The Philippines is closing the island of Borocay – known for its pristine blue water and white sand beaches – for six months, claiming the island has become a “cesspool” because of an influx of tourists and draining human sewage into the ocean water. The Philippines advised tourists who still want to swim in raw sewage that there’s always Mexico.

An analysis from researchers in Toronto finds that eating pasta can help you lose weight. Their study followed 2,500 people who were food poisoned at Olive Garden.

A tour bus crashed en route to The Masters in Augusta, Georgia, injuring over a dozen passengers. The driver was charged with DUI, in case you were wondering what John Daly is up to these days.

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Walmart will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at checkout aisles in response to complaints from the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, who believes the magazine degrades women. Walmart is still evaluating whether or not to display Weekly World News, following complaints that it’s degrading to half-man/half-monkey creatures.

Chicago Cubs star Kyle Schwarber is posting great stats in spring training after shedding 30 pounds in the offseason. Schwarber attributes the change to exercise, diet, and only having steroids on his ‘cheat day’.

Apple introduced new products at an event on Tuesday, including a $299 budget iPad for students, that includes the Apple Pencil for drawing. Apple said the product is the result of research showing how much students like to take photos and draw penises on them.

Self-driving car company Waymo introduced what it calls the first “premium” self-driving car, a Jaguar iPACE. The high-end SUV is wide enough to run over several pedestrians at once, and drive itself to the shop for bodywork before anyone notices.

A local Planned Parenthood chapter came under fire from pro-life conservatives for a tweet that read “we need a Disney princess that’s had an abortion.” Also under fire? Prince Charming for replying “then what did I give Cinderella the money for?”

President Trump is suggesting that funding for the controversial Mexican border wall be funded from the U.S. Military budget. A government procurement worker is thrilled because he found a great deal on bricks for $50 each.

Reality star Farrah Abraham settled her $5 million lawsuit against Viacom, claiming that the company dropped her from MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ and “sex shamed” her for doing porn. An MTV spokesperson said ‘Teen Mom’ cast members’ sex lives are “none of our business…after they finish 10th grade, anyway.”

Johnny Manziel, one-time ‘Johnny Football’, met with several NFL teams regarding a possible comeback – then finished the meetings and returned to work as Johnny Pizza.

Peyton Manning reportedly turned down Fox Sports’ offer to announce Thursday Night Football, due to Fox’s request that they also project the instant replays on his forehead.

Facebook announced initiatives to make 3 major changes to their Privacy Settings, labeling them Hard, Harder, and Hardest.

 

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Saudi Arabia will allow women to drive for the first – and, in many instances, last – time.

  • While many Saudi women applauded the move, others asked “if we still can’t drink, what’s the point?”
  • Shares of Mini Cooper, Subaru & Saudi Urgent Care all soared on the news.

New York Giants co-owner John Mara said he’s unhappy with Odell Beckham Jr celebrating a touchdown by pretending to be a urinating dog. Also unhappy? – Mara’s dog – who said Beckham Jr should have peed on the goal post.

In San Diego, construction began on eight prototypes for President Trump’s proposed border wall. So far designs are split between stainless steel, and subway tiles with a decorative splash of color.

  • Once complete, the walls will be tested by Homeland Security; they’ll ask Crossfit enthusiasts to attempt tossing 10 pound bags of cake flour over it.

Chelsea Manning was denied entry into Canada; when Customs officials asked if she had anything to declare, she rattled off 45 minutes of U.S. Intelligence secrets.

Joanna & Chip Gaines, co-hosts of HGTV’s Fixer Upper, announced the show is ending. The time slot is expected to be filled with Flip Or Flop‘s Christina & Tarek El Moussa’s divorce hearings, Fixer Downer.

Russia threatened to block Facebook until they comply with a law requiring storage of its Russian users’ personal data on Russian soil.  Facebook has yet to respond, but expressed doubt about storing anything on soil.

Founder Jack Dorsey said Twitter will test doubling tweet length to 280 characters, delighting windbag liberal pundits who can now thread 10 anti-Trump tweets instead of the usual 20.

WalMart is introducing a line of 100 baby products under their new L’il Dirtbag brand.

A USA Today investigation revealed that in 2012, a Wisconsin music teacher told two 2nd Grade boys they couldn’t play Abraham Lincoln in a class skit because they were too “dark-skinned”. The teacher was reprimanded, and the dejected boys each walked home five miles uphill.

Acting Drug Enforcement Agency Administrator Chuck Rosenberg is leaving. Sources say he didn’t like having Trump as a boss and wants to work for someone smarter and more compassionate like El Chapo.

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Facebook is rolling out a YouTube-like video platform called ‘Watch’ – where users can see their privacy disappear.

The U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed that 2016 was the planet’s hottest year on record, citing global warming and an early-season El Nino. President Trump used the news to reinforce the need for a border wall, to keep El Nino out.

Trump plans to declare the Opioid Crisis a National Emergency – saying opioids are in a 3-way tie for Biggest Health Crisis, along with heroin and Obamacare.

Texas pastor Robert Jeffress, an evangelical advisor to President Trump, said that God has given Trump “full control” to “take out” North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. It’s hard to tell if the craziest part of that is God giving the green light to murder, or that Trump has an evangelical adviser.

A report claims President Trump has sent private messages to Russia Investigation Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Trump’s associates say the messages are ‘thank-you’s, but other messages are rumored to be:

  • Do you think Ivanka like-likes me? Yes/No/Maybe
  • Are you going to the next Trump Pep Rally?
  • Wanna come see a movie with me at The White House?

The U.S. has expelled two Cuban Ambassadors, following reports that several U.S. Ambassadors departed the American Embassy in Havana after experiencing severe hearing loss from a mysterious “sonic attack”. No further clarification was given, but the deafened U.S. Ambassadors hope they never hear Ricky Martin ever again.

WalMart apologized for an in-store sign that marketed guns as Back To School items. WalMart acknowledged the error, saying the guns were meant to be part of a Halloween promotion.

  • The sign above the guns read “Own The School Like a Hero”. So the NRA bought the guns and donated them to teachers.

Consumer Reports has pulled its ‘Recommended’ status from Microsoft Surface laptops, citing poor reliability compared to other brands. Microsoft attempted to reach Consumer Reports for further clarification, but kept getting error messages they didn’t understand.

A man rushed the stage at Britney Spears’ Las Vegas show, but was subdued and handcuffed by security. Britney had just started singing her hit ‘Crazy’, and the man thought that was his cue.

Former NFL player Ryan O’Callaghan, who came out as gay in June, is advocating for marijuana use by current players, saying it would be a ‘godsend’. Commissioner Roger Goodell said that not even God sends anything to NFL players without his approval.

Ryan Graves – a Senior VP and Uber’s first corporate employee – announced that he’s resigning, and that he’s taking a taxi home.

O.J. Simpson’s former agent is selling the white Ford Bronco from the infamous police chase. He purchased the car from Al ‘A.C.’ Cowlings. The car runs well, but there’s no A.C.