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Charlotte, a stingray at a North Carolina aquarium, is reportedly expecting a “miracle” birth, since no male stingrays are present in her tank. However, Maury Povich in scuba gear just announced to a tiger shark “you…ARE the father!”

Cunard Cruise Lines’ Queen Victoria reported 154 passengers and crew sick with severe vomiting and diarrhea – overloading Queen Victoria’s thrones.

Amazon Prime Video will air an exclusive NFL playoff game next season, requiring a Prime Video subscription to watch. NFL fans are furious, except for fans of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers, who are saving their energy.

A new study finds a majority of parents talk or text with their adult children several times every week to see how they’re doing, and to see when they’ll get back the money they loaned them.

Jennifer Lopez is reportedly hinting at her retirement from music. This, following the retirement of her vocal cords in 2011.

The Centers For Disease Control plans to drop 5-day COVID isolation guidelines, provided a patient has mild & improving symptoms, is fever-free for 24 hours, or is dead.

A pet cat is being blamed for the first diagnosed case of bubonic plague in a human since 2015. The person is being treated, but the cat is asking for them to be euthanized.

The 49ers/Chiefs Super Bowl drew 123 million viewers – the highest since the Moon Landing. NASA announced plans to resume moon missions with the upcoming launch of Apollo Swift.

A California couple whose gender-reveal pyrotechnics caused a wildfire that killed a firefighter have pleaded guilty to their crimes. At sentencing, the judge popped a large balloon revealing a note reading “It’s One Year In Prison For Involuntary Manslaughter!”

A single-engine plane near Buffalo had its door fly off mid-flight. It landed safely and was welcomed into the Alaska Airlines commuter fleet.

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Spirits maker Diageo and ‘Diddy’ ended their partnership after he accused them of marketing his Ciroc vodka and DeLeon tequila as “urban” brands. Diageo denied the claims, then shared a recipe mixing Ciroc & Colt 45 malt liquor as a ‘Diddypolitan’.

Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce reportedly said “f… my life!” every time the team ran their famous ‘tush push’ short-yardage play. Quarterback Chase Young of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers said it before every play and practice.

A woman named Samantha Hart claims that her employer changes their email address protocol of first initial/last name to avoid the accidentally vulgar ‘shart@…’ prefix. She requested they just add a number so it’s ‘shart#2@…’

People with index fingers shorter than their ring fingers are more likely to be psychopaths. Just ask them to let go of the knife before you get a good look at their hands.

Kate, Princess of Wales, is expected to be hospitalized up to two weeks following abdominal surgery to remove several of the late Queen Elizabeth II’s famous scones that have been stuck there for years.

Google’s CEO Sundar Pichai warned staff that more layoffs are coming. It’s so bad, Google AI bots are sending out resumes.

Kanye West reportedly spent $850,000 to have his teeth removed and replaced with titanium dentures. He then paid Procter & Gamble $1 million to develop mint-flavored Dawn dish detergent so he could brush them.

3M began issuing payments after losing a $6 billion judgment over its combat earplugs not working. Injured soldiers would be happy to hear this news if they could.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that head coach Mike McCarthy would return next season, despite the team’s blowout playoff loss to Green Bay. Asked to explain his decision, Jones stated “Belichick said no.”

A passenger on a budget airline was stuck in the jet’s bathroom for the duration of a flight because the lock broke. The passenger received an apology from the crew, but the passengers in the last rows next to the bathroom were the ones who really suffered.

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A new study finds ultra-processed foods can be as addictive as drugs. The study followed 200 individuals who entered rehab after Slim Jim overdoses.

During its Sugar Bowl broadcast, ESPN aired a crowd scene from New Orleans’ Bourbon Street where a woman flashed her bare breast. ESPN apologized, but said if viewers wanted to see more boobs during football, tune in to Chris Berman and Booger McFarland.

‘The Bachelorette‘ alum Rachel Lindsay’s husband Brian Abosolo filed to end their four-year marriage, after discovering she’s starring in the pilot episode of ‘The Divorcee’.

The U.S. national debt hit a record $34 trillion, leading to Joe Biden’s government credit card being rejected at Starbucks.

The NFL fined Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper $300,000 for throwing a drink on Jacksonville Jaguars fans during his team’s loss. He must also attend training at a Philadelphia Eagles game to learn how to properly throw a drink at someone.

A 13-year-old in Oklahoma claims to have ‘beaten’ Tetris, reaching level 157 before crashing the game in 38 minutes. He also broke the game’s high-score record, and the record for the longest time anyone from Oklahoma has used a computer.

A winter storm could deliver the Northeast U.S. first significant snow accumulation in 2 years. The National Grocery Store Association raised their bread & milk accumulation threat level to Code Orange.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 73 and fiancee Theresa Nist, 70, said they want all the women contestants from the show to attend their televised wedding, along with family, close friends, and several EMTs.

A Florida man was arrested after attempting to take a 4-year-old boy in Walmart, and unsuccessfully arguing with customer service for a raincheck.

Utah officials are investigating the death of a man at Salt Lake City airport who climbed into the jet engine of a parked aircraft. He had a boarding pass for a flight to Denver, and instructions from Frontier Airlines on where to sit when flying standby.

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A man remains at large after stabbing a security guard at a NYC Apple Store. The attack was captured on store security, but not by any of the dozen-or-so dopes standing around holding iPhones.

Police in suburban Philadelphia arrested 6 people, charged with selling cocaine out of ambulances. Cops noticed a spike in 911 calls asking for rides to raves and music festivals.

Alabama school employee Martha Pope, 43, was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old male student. Or, as it’s known in Alabama high schools, “health class”.

A Manhattan entrepreneur who hired a woman as a live-in assistant was arrested for placing hidden cameras in her bedroom and bathroom, then tried to blame his 10-year-old son. “Not only did I not do it, he wouldn’t even let me watch the video!” said the 10-year-old.

A man & woman, Philadelphia Eagles fans, were removed from the Carolina Panthers stadium after having sex in a men’s room stall during last Sunday’s game. It didn’t last long, since the man only made it to the L in the E-A-G-L-E-S chant before finishing.

LinkedIn is shutting down its China website, after crashing the Internet sending billions of notifications telling people to congratulate factory employees celebrating work anniversaries.

Ghost Robotics, a robot maker for the military, showed off the new Q-UGV, a robot dog equipped with a gun. “No, YOU sit” said the robot.

A stuntman inverted in a straitjacket was smashed between two exploding cars in a stunt gone wrong on the new ‘America’s Got Talent: Extreme‘. He was rushed to a trauma unit after receiving the show’s first-ever Golden Medivac.

Gay comic Hannah Gadsby – responding to Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos defending Dave Chappelle’s recent special – said she takes sh*ts with more backbone than Sarandos. Gadsby is currently recovering from rectal reconstruction surgery.

NBA Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving refuses to get the COVID-19 vaccine, the first shot in his life he wouldn’t consider taking.

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Facebook is clamping down on “engagement bait” – posts that specifically ask for Likes, Comments & Shares. Everyone on Facebook promptly forgot the phone number of the Suicide Hotline and now just assume that no one is ever listening.

ESPN President John Skipper resigned from the network, citing a substance abuse issue. No further details were released, but it’s believed the head of ESPN can’t stop kissing Lebron James’ ass.

Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson – focus of an NFL investigation regarding sexual harassment – announced that he is selling the team, but keeping the cheerleaders.

President Trump tweeted  his opinion that Republicans will do “very well” in 2018, presumably because none of them will pay any taxes.

Chick-fil-a is being praised for breaking with tradition and opening its Atlanta airport location on Sunday to feed passengers stranded there because of a power outage.  Delta Airlines tried feeding the hungry travelers, but ran out of meals after they got to Row 15.

Sarah Idan, competing as Miss Iraq in the Miss Universe pageant, said that she’s received death threats for a selfie she posted while posing with Miss Israel – and a lesser number of death threats for her singing in the talent competition.

According to corporate compensation firm Equilar, just one woman appears on their list of Highest Paid Executives Age 40 & Under – and man, does she ever get hit on a lot.

Campbell’s Soup is acquiring Snyder’s Pretzels, in an attempt to corner the market on sad lunches.

Austin McChord, a former student at Rochester Institute of Technology, donated $50 million to the school, the largest donation in its history – but will somehow still get six calls every year from the phone bank at the Alumni Pledge Drive.

Today, Twitter will begin enforcing its new rules around hate speech, violent threats and harassment – redirecting those activities to Reddit, whose new mobile apps launch today.