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The Queen of Sweden is partnering with Ikea to design homes for people with dementia – although the occupants don’t have dementia when they start putting them together.

KFC is testing plant-based boneless chicken from Beyond Meat at one of its Georgia restaurants. It’s the first time KFC has sold chicken that isn’t really chicken since a day or two ago.

Mattel introduced a Barbie doll modeled after astronaut Sally Ride, but is being criticized for giving her a pink Space Shuttle.

Disney announced a new She-Hulk series for its upcoming Disney + streaming service. The lead role hasn’t been cast, but producers were disappointed when Sarah Huckabee Sanders took a job with Fox News.

Following a fire at an Arby’s restaurant in New Jersey, a worker was treated for smoke inhalation. While hospitalized, he was also treated for Arby’s food inhalation.

A Louisiana farmer attending a cow auction brought home a five-legged calf because no one else wanted it, and because he said he’s dated worse.

A pregnant woman was kicked in the stomach by another woman during a dispute at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru – proving Chicken Sandwich Wars aren’t ending anytime soon.

Harvey Weinstein’s sex-crimes trial was delayed until January. He’ll want it even less now that it’ll be a year older.

Police in Upstate New York say dealers are selling pills containing Xanax, Fentanyl, and heroin – designed to look like SweeTarts candy. “OMG, these are addictive!” said someone eating SweeTarts.

Police were forced to shoot a pit bull and a bull mastiff that attacked a 50-year-old man in North Philadelphia. The dogs were suspended from the Philadelphia K-9 Police Academy.

 

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VP Mike Pence announced the 2020 launch of the Space Force. That is, unless a Democrat is elected President in 2020, in which case The Force Will Not Be With Us.

A viral video shows a large alligator scaling a fence. The U.S. Border Patrol is now on the lookout for alligators smuggling immigrants from Mexico in their stomachs.

Sony Pictures is pulling Spider-Man out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe due to a profit-sharing dispute with Marvel parent company Disney. Spider-Man will be leaving the Avengers, but is excited about joining Charlie’s Angels.

Delta Airlines claims to have not bumped a single passenger in the last five months – but would not say if passengers accepted offers to share crates with dogs.

Philadelphia Chief of Police Richard Ross resigned over not doing enough to limit sexual harrassment among the force’s rank-&-file. Ross allegedly tried every kind of bribe to stop it.

Walmart is suing Tesla. They claim Tesla solar panels are catching fire, creating a safety issue. Walmart said they’re used to stores being dumpster fires, but not roof fires.

85-year-old Larry King filed for divorce from his seventh wife, Shawn. King updated his Facebook relationship status from “Married” to “It’s Complicated – and by ‘It’ I mean sex because I’m 85 years old”.

ABC announced the 12 new contestants on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, including former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who insisted that it’s 24 contestants.

Popeye’s, Chick-fil-A, Wendy’s, and other brands are fighting on Twitter about who has the best chicken sandwich. KFC is sitting it out, so as not to focus attention on what’s in its “chicken” sandwich.

The Washington Post profiled Revel, a company renting electric mopeds for riding in D.C. The author said the moped turned everyone’s head, including his own when he was struck by a city bus.

 

 

 

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A Frontier Airlines passenger shared a feel-good post about a flight attendant who helped calm a screaming baby en route to Denver. The baby stopped crying long enough to tell the flight attendant how much Frontier Airlines sucks.

Chick-fil-A will now offer macaroni & cheese in all restaurants. Brace yourself for every lowbrow food critic in your social media feed telling you what they think of it.

Cuba Gooding Jr will face trial on charges he groped a woman without consent. Thousands of “show me the money” jokes were shut down once he was released without bail.

The Trump Administration is proposing changes to the Endangered Species Act, supposedly to make it easier to enforce. Don Jr. and Eric continue to ask their father if the new law is ready yet so they can hunt pandas at the Washington National Zoo.

Following Jeffrey Epstein’s reported suicide by hanging, his autopsy was completed by the New York City medical examiner’s office. The coroner needs more information before certifying cause of death – information like ‘where did the bullet holes come from?’

An entomologist for the National Pest Management Association said travelers should store suitcases in hotel bathrooms to avoid bedbugs. The insect expert said bedbugs are rarely found in hotel bathrooms, because they’re afraid of the crab lice.

Cybersecurity experts warn of new malware; a program that waits for a user to go to a porn site, then starts recording the screen – including passwords – after they leave. Currently, the malware only targets French users, so to get those passwords, the hackers have to watch a lot of hairy-armpit porn.

Minneapolis, Minnesota banned drive-thru windows on any new businesses. Hopefully that cheeseburger is worth getting out of your car and risking frostbite.

Samsung is reportedly working on a fast-charging graphene cellphone battery to include with 2020 Galaxy handsets. The graphene batteries charge in a fraction of the time of Samsung’s lithium-ion batteries, but burn just as long.

Venice, Italy banned large cruise ships from entering the city’s historic center. They cited a large ship colliding with a dock, as well as damage caused by Mysterio’s battle with Spider-Man while Peter Parker vacationed there.

A tornado touched down in Amsterdam — blowing the whole city, not just visitors to the red light district.

 

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President Trump promised the Republican Party will be ‘the party of health care’, after spending the last two years making everyone sick.

A South Carolina woman was arrested after a pack of dogs escaped from her home and attacked a 76-year-old woman attending a funeral. The woman survived, and the dogs did not bring flowers.

Media companies filed a motion to release massage parlor videos of Robert Kraft as public records. Companies include Florida newspapers, The New York Times and ESPN. Absent from the list – Pornhub – saying “none of our members want to see that.”

Boeing held a test of the updated software deployed to improve safety of its 737 MAX aircraft. The aircraft with updated software performed well. Boeing mourned the loss of the crew assigned to demo the ‘before’ plane without the software upgrade.

Viral video circulated of mice running around in the food court of the King of Prussia Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs. Health inspectors didn’t know which restaurant the mice came from, but since they addressed diners as ‘Sir’ and ‘Ma’am’, they concluded it was Chick-fil-A.

Justin Bieber said he’s taking a break from making music because of some ‘deep rooted issues’. No specifics were given, but it’s believed to be deeply rooted in the fact that he doesn’t have any songs, and his fan base of 12-year-olds grew up & left him.

6,227 pedestrians died in traffic accidents in 2018, the highest number in 30 years. Police blame distracted drivers. Drivers blame pedestrians that need to hurry the hell up.

Disneyland officials say they plan to control crowds at the new Star Wars land when it opens on May 31 by not allowing anyone in without a reservation. “These people have a reservation” says an Obi Wan Kenobi lookalike, who’s been bribed, to a ticket-taker.

A New Jersey man plead guilty to defrauding the U.S. Postal Service out of $1.5 million in postage. His mother is angry that, even with all those free stamps, he couldn’t send Christmas or birthday cards.

Iceland based discount airline WOW Air ceased operations, stranding passengers across the globe. Spirit Airlines offered discounted fares to help passengers get home, so long as they didn’t mind riding with livestock. In coach.

 

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Actor Burt Reynolds died of complications from cardiac arrest. When hospital workers asked if there was anything they could do to make him more comfortable before he passed away, Reynolds told them to burn every copy of ‘Cop And A Half’.

Starbucks will soon start selling espresso in Italy – not because Italians need better espresso, they just need more locations where they can act like dicks ordering it.

Major hotel chains Marriott and Hyatt are giving employees ‘Panic buttons’ to use if they feel they’re in danger of assault or harassment. The panic buttons are also being given out at Red Roof Inns, to both desk clerks and “frequent guests” interacting with truckers.

The next star of ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’ will be Colton Underwood, a 26-year-old former football player who is a virgin. Producers want to know if he plans to give roses to women virgins competing for his affection on the show, so they can cut the flower budget.

A case study in the New England Journal of Medicine documents a woman contracting a condition known as ‘black hairy tongue’ upon taking a combination of antibiotics after a car accident. The antibiotics worked fine, but caused the woman to want to obsessively groom her cat.

Uber and Lyft are expanding their services to offer electric scooter rentals. Both companies say they’ll also hire employees to maintain & recharge the scooters, and to sexually harass renters.

The New York Times reports that the White House is eyeing 12 persons as possible authors of the anonymous ‘Resistance Letter’ op-ed published in the New York Times — and the New York Times is saying they might not want to waste time on 11 of them.

Missouri’s College of the Ozarks removed Nike logos from its sports teams uniforms in protest of Nike’s utilizing Colin Kaepernick as a spokesperson. Nike is currently assessing the brand impact of the logo not being seen by the 14 people expected to watch College of the Ozarks big football game against Missouri Southeast Baptist Tech.

Video of a brawl at a Chick-fil-A in Washington DC has gone viral. A 55-year-old customer reportedly yelled at others, then jumped behind the counter where he was punched by a 27-year–old employee. Despite the employee’s action defending co-workers, he was terminated because he wasn’t chicken.

At Miss America preliminaries, Miss Virginia responded to a question about football players kneeling for the national anthem, saying that “it’s not about kneeling; it is…about police brutality.” Asked whether or not she would kneel, Miss Mississippi said “not until the fifth or sixth date.”

 

 

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Jada Pinkett Smith spoke on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ about her past sex addiction. She said she managed to get it under control by getting married.

Tesla plans to build an auto manufacturing plant in Shanghai that will make 500,000 autos per year, or about five per year for every teenager working there.

Colton Underwood, 26. a former NFL practice squad player, admitted on ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ that he’s still a virgin. ‘Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin told Underwood that she’s not a virgin, and has also spent considerable time around football players.

President Donald Trump arrived at the NATO Summit in Brussels, playing the role of the brother-in-law that nobody likes but still has to be invited to the wedding.

Instagram model Katarina Zatrutskie was being photographed floating above a pack of nurse sharks in the Bahamas when one shark attacked her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her underwater. Zatruskie freed herself, and immediately called for help from doctor sharks.

NFL player A.J. Francis angrily tweeted at the Transportation Security Administration for opening an urn containing his dead mother’s ashes and dumping them all over the inside of his suitcase during a checked bag inspection. The TSA apologized and offered Francis an official TSA Dustbuster.

Google is now referring to the different voices in its Assistant app by color.  But they’re fixing a bug where users seeking directions to bad neighborhoods are being talked out of going by the White Assistant.

Singer Cardi B. delivered a baby girl, Kulture Kiari Cephus, on Tuesday, via her Cardi V.

Microsoft introduced the Surface Go, a tablet competitor to the iPad. However, since it runs Windows instead of iOS or Android, the name stands for Go-ing on Closeout.

Consumer agency Technomic released its findings of the Cleanest Chain Restaurants in America. In the fast-casual category, Chick-fil-A was the cleanest.  In the somewhat-fast-slovenly category, Arby’s won by default.

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Facebook is clamping down on “engagement bait” – posts that specifically ask for Likes, Comments & Shares. Everyone on Facebook promptly forgot the phone number of the Suicide Hotline and now just assume that no one is ever listening.

ESPN President John Skipper resigned from the network, citing a substance abuse issue. No further details were released, but it’s believed the head of ESPN can’t stop kissing Lebron James’ ass.

Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson – focus of an NFL investigation regarding sexual harassment – announced that he is selling the team, but keeping the cheerleaders.

President Trump tweeted  his opinion that Republicans will do “very well” in 2018, presumably because none of them will pay any taxes.

Chick-fil-a is being praised for breaking with tradition and opening its Atlanta airport location on Sunday to feed passengers stranded there because of a power outage.  Delta Airlines tried feeding the hungry travelers, but ran out of meals after they got to Row 15.

Sarah Idan, competing as Miss Iraq in the Miss Universe pageant, said that she’s received death threats for a selfie she posted while posing with Miss Israel – and a lesser number of death threats for her singing in the talent competition.

According to corporate compensation firm Equilar, just one woman appears on their list of Highest Paid Executives Age 40 & Under – and man, does she ever get hit on a lot.

Campbell’s Soup is acquiring Snyder’s Pretzels, in an attempt to corner the market on sad lunches.

Austin McChord, a former student at Rochester Institute of Technology, donated $50 million to the school, the largest donation in its history – but will somehow still get six calls every year from the phone bank at the Alumni Pledge Drive.

Today, Twitter will begin enforcing its new rules around hate speech, violent threats and harassment – redirecting those activities to Reddit, whose new mobile apps launch today.

 

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President Trump met with Puerto Rico’s governor, and said that he would rate the U.S.’ disaster relief response “a 10”; the governor replied that the death toll was already 48.

For the second straight year, the PNC Milwaukee Marathon miscalculated the official 26.2 mile distance, shorting it by eight-tenths of a mile. Race officials are contemplating giving full $75 refunds of the $80 race fee paid by entrants.

Playboy has named Ines Rau Miss November 2017, the magazine’s first-ever transgender playmate. The centerfold will open backwards.

Blac Chyna sued the Kardashian Family for defamation and slut-shaming; a Kardashian attorney replied, saying this is a case of the pot calling the kettle Blac.

The FAA is considering banning large electronic devices from checked luggage, citing concerns about devices overheating and causing fires, and several cases of Japanese travelers’ sex robots freezing to death in the cargo hold.

Researchers writing in Nature Communications studied the rapid breakdown of glucose to fuel cancerous tumor growth – known as the Warburg Effect – establishing a clearer connection between sugar and cancer. Next up, the researchers intend to study what’s known as the McFlurry Effect.

Twitter users are criticizing a Business Insider study that claims Chick-Fil-A was the most popular fast food restaurant in 39 states, based solely on Foursquare check-ins. The survey was seen as most damaging to customers of Popeye’s Chicken, many of whom thought Foursquare was a value meal.

President Trump continued his battle with the NFL by starting an “I Stand For the Anthem” petition on a GOP website. Republican officials marveled at the number of signatures, and expressed surprise at the number of U.S. Citizens named F*ckYou.

Illusionist David Blaine has publicly denied rape allegations made by model Natasha Prince, claiming that at the time of the incident, he was simultaneously in several other countries!

The Philippines Department of Labor issued a new regulation requiring that office workers must be given breaks every two hours to stand and walk. Filipina hookers must be allowed breaks to sit every two hours.

The Orionid Meteor Showers will peak tonight – good thing, since NASA scientists claim that Mars is getting pretty smelly.