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A new art installation will allow people to walk atop Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River. The artist calls it ‘Walk On Piles Of Bodies In The Schuylkill River’.

Hooters is opening a new, fast-casual ‘spinoff’ restaurant focused on chicken wings. They’re calling it Dumpers.

A woman was charged with a felony for failing to return a ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ VHS tape rented in her name 22 years ago. That woman’s name is Melissa Joan Hart.

Researchers say a sedentary lifestyle is the #`1 cause of Type 2 diabetes, narrowly edging out Popeye’s.

Elon Musk said “a bunch of people will probably die” during SpaceX missions to Mars, a quote that’s being called “not the best joke to open your Saturday Night Live monologue”.

Anderson Cooper shared a photo of his one-year-old son, Wyatt, watching him host Jeopardy!. Cooper doesn’t know if his son is gay, but Wyatt had a tantrum at not seeing Aaron Rodgers.

Powerlifter Chad Penson won the 2021 U.S. Open, becoming the first 198-pound man to squat 881 pounds. He took his place in the gold medal spot atop the podium, while his genitals dragged on the floor below.

Democrats introduced new legislation to lower the qualifying age for Medicare from 65 to 50. Critics say doing so would harm the workforce because more people would retire earlier from their terrible jobs at McDonald’s and Walmart.

Yahoo! released its rankings of fast-food chicken sandwiches, in an article that shocked Americans who didn’t know Yahoo! still existed.

A 71-year-old driver suffered minor head injuries when a turtle crashed through her windshield on Interstate 95 in Port Orange, Florida. No injuries were reported to reptile daredevil Turtel Knurtel, who plans another attempt to jump I-95 later this year.

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Japan will release contaminated wastewater from the closed Fukushima nuclear power plant into the Pacific Ocean over the course of ten years. The bad news is nuclear contamination; the good news is octopuses will have 16 legs.

Wyatt Pike, a singer who’d made the top 12 finalists on American Idol, abruptly quit the contest for “personal reasons”. It’s the most memorable thing an American Idol contestant or winner has done in the last 15 years.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced White Claw Surge, with a higher alcohol content of 8%. “Surge” represents the stomach contents of underage drinkers.

NBC will air ‘Roll Up Your Sleeves’, a special where celebrities, the Bidens, and Obamas discuss the importance of COVID-19 vaccines. Fox will air a competing special, ‘Pull Down Your Pants’, a reading of text messages from Donald Trump and Matt Gaetz.

The Buffalo Bills announced a COVID-19 vaccine will be required to attend games in the fall, in addition to the current requirement of failing a breathalyzer.

Subway closed over 1,800 locations since the beginning of the pandemic. Experts say they’ve been hurt by the lack of drive-thrus, and not having a chicken sandwich, which violates Subway’s policy of putting a visible amount of meat on bread.

A women’s soccer match between the Portland Thorns and Kansas City NWSL ended in fights, with four players being ejected. The fights started because of rough play, and players angry that their teammates wore the same outfit and shoes.

Investigators seized the iPhone of Congressman Matt Gaetz as part of their investigation into alleged trafficking. Gaetz was just two weeks away from an upgrade to a new phone without Venmo payments for sex with teenagers.

Former ‘The Bachelor’ star Colton Underwood came out as gay. Bachelorettes say this explains their nights with him in the ‘Fantasy Suites’ singing Lady Gaga karaoke and making Grindr profiles as a ‘goof’.

Egypt impounded the Ever Given, saying the ship’s Japanese owner owes $900 million for the week it blocked the Suez Canal, and for the operation to free it. It’s the largest fine ever levied in Egyptian Traffic Court.

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Egyptian researchers unearthed what’s believed to be the world’s oldest mass-production brewery. Then they discovered it made Coors Light, so they buried it again.

The Los Angeles School District eliminated 133 positions for police officers in city schools. So the Bloods & Crips took over the Drama Club and will use real weapons in the Spring musical production of West Side Story.

Much of Texas remains without power following severe winter weather. It’s so cold, Mexicans are building a wall to keep Texans from sneaking in and stealing the heat.

Republicans in Congress are blaming the ‘Green New Deal’ for Texans freezing, despite no such program ever being enacted – unless you count the Texas GOP letting residents freeze to death, which is the Gangrene New Deal.

Amidst fierce competition from McDonald’s, Popeyes and others, Burger King is updating its chicken sandwich to the one you get at McDonald’s or Popeyes.

Britney Spears shared an image of a Scrabble board, asking fans to “decipher this code”, adding “I think this Ouija board is broken”.

Court documents reveal Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene filed for divorce while having an affair with a tantric sex guru, but called it off because she didn’t want to remarry and change her name to Mrs. Marjorie Taylor Tantric Warrior.

Apple is updating emojis with its latest OS release, including the addition of a helmet to the rock-climber emoji, and a life-support system to the fallen rock climber emoji.

The European Space Agency seeks astronaut candidates with physical challenges or disabilities. The Russian Space Agency has already filled their opening with a three-legged dog.

Bam Margera was removed from the cast of ‘Jackass 4’, because he couldn’t control his addiction issues long enough to be reliably shot in the scrotum with a tennis ball cannon.

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VP Mike Pence announced the 2020 launch of the Space Force. That is, unless a Democrat is elected President in 2020, in which case The Force Will Not Be With Us.

A viral video shows a large alligator scaling a fence. The U.S. Border Patrol is now on the lookout for alligators smuggling immigrants from Mexico in their stomachs.

Sony Pictures is pulling Spider-Man out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe due to a profit-sharing dispute with Marvel parent company Disney. Spider-Man will be leaving the Avengers, but is excited about joining Charlie’s Angels.

Delta Airlines claims to have not bumped a single passenger in the last five months – but would not say if passengers accepted offers to share crates with dogs.

Philadelphia Chief of Police Richard Ross resigned over not doing enough to limit sexual harrassment among the force’s rank-&-file. Ross allegedly tried every kind of bribe to stop it.

Walmart is suing Tesla. They claim Tesla solar panels are catching fire, creating a safety issue. Walmart said they’re used to stores being dumpster fires, but not roof fires.

85-year-old Larry King filed for divorce from his seventh wife, Shawn. King updated his Facebook relationship status from “Married” to “It’s Complicated – and by ‘It’ I mean sex because I’m 85 years old”.

ABC announced the 12 new contestants on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, including former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who insisted that it’s 24 contestants.

Popeye’s, Chick-fil-A, Wendy’s, and other brands are fighting on Twitter about who has the best chicken sandwich. KFC is sitting it out, so as not to focus attention on what’s in its “chicken” sandwich.

The Washington Post profiled Revel, a company renting electric mopeds for riding in D.C. The author said the moped turned everyone’s head, including his own when he was struck by a city bus.