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Sarah Palin is entered in today’s special election in Alaska. Palin admits that she doesn’t understand the state’s new ranked-choice voting system, but hopes for enough support to make it to the Hollywood rounds of American Idol.

The Flash star Ezra Miller apologized for his recent behavior, including an arrest for felony burglary and assault allegations. Miller claims to be dealing with complex mental health issues and entered treatment, which he expects to complete in a fraction of a second.

An 88-year-old South Carolina woman living in a gated senior living community died after falling in to a pond. Unfortunately for her, the pond was a senior living community for alligators.

Christopher Lowe, director of the Shark Lab at Cal State Long Beach said “swimmers are bitten, but rarely consumed [by sharks] – proving humans are not on their menu”. That, or sharks just prefer a lower-fat diet.

The U.S. Government cancelled $3.6 billion in student loan debt accrued by former students of the now-defunct ITT Technical Institute. Average credit scores soared 20 points for Burger King employees.

A metal object from an aircraft fell from the sky and landed near the Maine State Capitol. It was identified based on writing scribbled on a piece of duct tape reading ‘Property Of Spirit Airlines’.

The World Health Organization is holding an open forum to rename monkeypox because of concerns the current name is derogatory or have racist connotations. Newly suggested names are Washington Virus Team and Cleveland Guardians.

A dog contracted monkeypox in the first known human-to-pet transmission. The dog reportedly slept in a bed with two infected men; the dog insists it slept-slept, not the other thing.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences apologized to Native American Sacheen Littlefeather for abuse she endured when appearing to refuse Marlon Brando’s 1973 Oscar for The Godfather on his behalf. Then they screwed up again when the apology included a peace pipe.

Tiger Woods is flying to Wilmington Delaware, site of the PGA Tour’s BMW Championship, to strategize how the PGA should handle player defections to the Saudi-backed LIV Tour. The visit was confirmed by a memo distributed to Wilmington-area hostesses at Perkins and TGI Fridays restaurants.

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Clinical trials show a drug commonly used to treat constipation, Prucalopride, improves memory in test subjects. Online message boards report a huge surge in people taking the drug, then taking the Jeopardy! Online Test while on the toilet.

Facebook, Instagram & WhatsApp all experienced a massive outage on Monday, leading to a steep drop in home-cooked Monday night dinners since they couldn’t be photographed & shared online.

Former White House advisor Stephanie Grisham says in her new tell-all book that Melania Trump wanted to send full-length mirrors to African children “so they could see they’re very strong”. But she was also worried damages in shipment would lead to their having seven years of bad luck.

Amazon is starting their Black Friday deals early, due to “supply chain issues” – which is what they call bathroom breaks for warehouse workers.

Amazon is also instituting a $10 fee for grocery deliveries from its Whole Foods subsidiary. They say the fee includes delivery drivers telling customers which organic produce in the order is already rotten.

Rapper Boosie Badazz confirmed he’d been kicked off the Legendz Of The Streetz mega-tour because of an onstage fight and a shooting during his appearance at a Baltimore club. Promoters told him to come back once he’s Boosie ResponsibleAzz.

Dr. Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young continues her battle over their divorce settlement, claiming Dre had at least three mistresses while married. Proceedings have dragged on for months due to time involved for her lawyers to ‘depose dese hos’.

NASA’s DART mission – Double Asteroid Redirection Test – will deliberately crash a spacecraft into an asteroid to alter its path near Earth. The mission will be captained by one of the only NASA astronauts with several confirmed DUIs.

Sarah Silverman criticized the casting of non-Jewish actors to play Jewish roles. Because there aren’t enough Jewish people involved in making decisions in Hollywood.

Major League Baseball’s Cleveland Guardians – formerly Indians – will continue to sell Indians merchandise and donate the proceeds to Native American charities. They’ll also sell Guardians merchandise, but donate most of it to third-world countries.

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Record flooding struck China. Rescuers complained of not having enough floating junks to haul away floating junk.

A man kneeling atop the dugout at a Triple-A Worcester Red Sox baseball game proposed to his girlfriend. She declined and ran away. He was demoted to Double-A marriage proposals.

Phoenix Suns head coach Monty Williams visited the locker room of the victorious Milwaukee Bucks to congratulate them on their Game 6 NBA title-clinching win. And to grab a couple free bottles of champagne to drink on a date this weekend.

Hospitals used body bags filled with ice water to cool patients in heat-related distress during the recent Pacific Northwest heat wave. And when it didn’t work, it was still a real time saver.

U.S. life expectancy experienced its biggest drop since World War II, with COVID, gun violence and drug overdoses all contributing. 2020 was so bad, it actually took a year-and-a-half off everyone’s life.

The MLB Cleveland Indians are officially changing their name to the Cleveland Guardians. Team officials made the announcement so Indians gear can be shipped along with Phoenix Suns NBA Champions apparel to underdeveloped countries.

Mississippi is asking the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v Wade, and – if they wouldn’t mind while they’re at it – explain to Mississippians where babies come from.

Producers of ABC’s daytime talk show The View are reportedly looking for a “Trump Republican” to replace departing Meghan McCain. “Not me” said Melania Trump.

San Francisco is reportedly considering $20,000 tamper-proof public garbage cans. At that price, homeless scavengers may decide to stop picking trash cans and start moving in to them.

The NFL issued a memo to all teams, saying that cancellation/postponement of games caused by COVID outbreaks among unvaccinated players & staff could result in forfeiture. That, or Texas-and-Florida-based teams may end up playing each other over and over.