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‘Oppenheimer‘ led Oscar nominations with 13 and ‘Killers of the Flower Moon‘ received 10. It was the first time that nominations were given specifically for work in the first hour of a movie because voters couldn’t stay awake for the rest of it.

Philadelphia Eagles star Jason Kelce lifted up a little girl so she could show a sign she’d made to Taylor Swift, who was seated with him in a suite at the Chiefs/Bills game. However, Kelce refused several requests to lift drunk men at the game so they could show something to Swift.

Billy Joel is releasing his first single in 17 years, so fans at his concerts will know when they hear it that it’s time to go get another beer.

Drexel University is researching more environmentally-friendly alternatives to road salt during the winter months. They’re testing concrete that releases thermal energy, as well as other hot condiments like sriracha.

Divorce rumors are swirling around singers Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. She’ll be performing at Coachella with No Doubt, and performing with Shelton is Doubt Ful.

Britney Spears has been banned from the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles after guests complained about her going topless at the swimming pool. Teen boys staying there are seeking to have their parents banned for complaining about it.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Hugh Hefner, said in her new memoir that she no longer had sex with him after 2014 when he was 88 and she was 28. Viagra no longer worked, and Crystal was recovering from damage to her wrist, elbow and rotator cuff.

Medical journal JAMA finds health problems from obesity are compounded by loneliness and isolation that are more common in obese people – even though they’re kinda happy they get the whole pizza for themselves.

Texans took to social media demanding to secede from the United States, after the Supreme Court ruled against Texas placing razor wire barriers at the border. Immigrants are hoping Texas doesn’t secede because then they’ll need passports for their flights & bus trips from Texas to Chicago & New York.

Kanye West yelled at paparazzi as they photographed him & wife Bianca Censori leaving a tanning salon. They speculated he was angry because he was done a lot sooner than she was.

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Michigan kindergartners drank Jose Cuervo ready-made margaritas because a classmate brought the bottle in for snack time thinking it was juice. The children are all okay, and there’s now a waiting list to be Snack Mom.

NASA teleported a hologram of a doctor to the International Space Station. The astronauts were all pretty pissed off at the $100,000 copay.

Burger King’s largest franchisee is cutting the number of chicken nuggets in an order from 10 to 8. They say the other two died of bird flu.

Shania Twain joined Harry Styles on stage at Coachella to perform ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman’ – but looked at Styles and sang ‘Man, You Look Like A Woman’.

Florida’s Department of Education rejected 54 math textbooks from kindergarten through 12th grade curriculum, saying that they contained prohibited content like Critical Race Theory, common core learning, and fractions.

The City of Philadelphia faces a lawsuit from business owners over the reinstatement of its indoor mask mandate. It’s the first-ever lawsuit with paperwork that opens with the phrase “Not for Nothing…”

To prevent the spread of bird flu, wildlife officials are recommending not putting out bird feeders. But if you do, mix the bird feed with Dayquil.

Ever Forward – a container ship stuck in the Chesapeake Bay for a month – has been freed. They were able to remove the cargo faster with the help of teenagers tricked into thinking several of the 40-foot containers contained Playstation 5’s they could have.

A Queens, New York woman was stabbed over 50 times, stuffed in a duffel bag, and dragged several blocks to a street corner, leaving sidewalks stained with blood. Police have not yet ruled out foul play.

The FDA authorized the first breath test for COVID, on the same day it approved new & improved Listerine with Monoclonal Antibodies.

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The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

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Southwest Airlines bumped a family of four from their flight to Disneyland after receiving complaints from other passengers that the children had lice. The claims turned out to be false, but Southwest managed to retain its reputation for lousy service.

President Trump responded to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s claims of having a functioning ‘nuclear button’ on his desk, by tweeting that he has a bigger button, and that his button works. Anonymous insiders, however, dispute this, saying Chief of Staff John Kelly replaced the Nuclear Football with a vintage Playskool Busy Box painted black.

The Oakland Raiders are under fire for allegedly skirting the Rooney Rule – bypassing minority candidates in advance of hiring Jon Gruden as their new head coach. The Raiders denied this, bringing in NFL legend O.J. Simpson for an interview as proof.

Archaeologists found an ancient cave in China containing 45,000-year-old tools, as well as a carved note from one caveman to another asking when he planned on returning the sharp rock he borrowed.

Roku is launching its own voice assistant to compete with Siri and Alexa. Although at this point it’s only capable of answering “How the f*** do I switch HDMI inputs?”

The Trump Administration is easing fines and penalties that can be brought against negligent nursing homes – great news for the White House nurse who’s been swapping breath mints for dementia meds.

Coachella announced its official 2018 lineup – the festival will be headlined by Beyonce, Eminem, the Weekend, and drugs.

2018 marks the beginning of legal recreational marijuana sales in California, evidenced by the number of visitors to Disneyland asking Goofy ‘you holdin?’

McDonald’s debuts its new Dollar Menu on Thursday. It’s called the 1-2-3, with items priced at one, two and three dollars. Taco Bell is sticking with its current dollar menu, which customers know as the 9-1-1.

A 31-year-old Virginia woman reported missing by her fiancee was found dead inside of her home, in what local police are calling “suspicious, but, like, the easiest search we’ve ever done.”