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The newest TikTok trend is ‘banana botox’ – rubbing a banana peel on your face to remove wrinkles and tighten pores. Hundreds of users report more youthful skin, but also more sprains and concussions from slipping on banana peels.

80s hair metal icons Twisted Sister are planning a one-off reunion show as Your Twisted Much Older Sister.

Shuttered New York City comedy club Carolines is reportedly being replaced by a high-end ping-pong club. But just to be safe they’ve already banned Chris D’Elia.

More classified documents were found in Joe Biden’s garage. Some were classified documents, others were ‘Classified’ folders hiding back issues of Juggs.

Grand slam tennis champion Naomi Osaka is pregnant. No word whether this was a planned pregnancy, or a condom/birth control pill double-fault.

Pope Francis will deliver remarks at the funeral of Cardinal George Pell, a convicted, then exonerated, child molester who criticized Francis’ inclusion of LGBTQ Catholics. It’s expected to be the first papal address to begin “So long, asshole…”.

A Michigan school district is under fire for a 6th Grade field trip to the Detroit Symphony that ended with students in an adult lounge with stripper poles, adjacent to the restaurant where they ate pizza. The manager of the strip club was quoted saying some of the students “have real potential”.

MacKenzie Scott, billionaire ex-wife of Jeff Bezos, finalized her divorce from second husband Dan Jewett after just one year of marriage. A prenuptial agreement was in place, so he probably won’t get Amazon stock, but will split custody of the Prime Video account to watch Thursday Night Football.

A new study finds 45% of single men wait up to four months before washing bedsheets, or until their dogs decide to sleep somewhere else.

Kanye West was seen dining with a mystery woman in Los Angeles, that he met on No-Jdate.

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A youth hockey coach was fired after reaching over the boards and knocking down an opposing team’s 14-year-old player during a tournament. He was subsequently fired from his coaching position after sitting two minutes for interference.

Accused Idaho murderer Bryan Kohberger arrived back in the state on Wednesday after extradition from Pennsylvania – the first person in the U.S. to willingly travel to Idaho in January without skis.

Honda and Sony debuted the Afeela, the first electric car from their planned joint venture. It’ll have autonomous driving features and Sony gaming features, so drivers can play PlayStation games while the car crashes itself into a tree.

Amazon announced it’s cutting over 18,000 jobs, mostly in e*commerce and human resources. The human resources people were asked to help fire employees, and then summoned to a room with a full-length mirror in it.

An Arizona man was arrested for indecent exposure while picking up a drive-thru coffee order at Bikini Beans, where servers are clad in bikinis. His penis went from tall to grande.

A man suffered a broken neck, nine broken ribs, and a fractured skull after tripping over his cat while going down the stairs at his home. The cat is still pissed off waiting to be fed.

An Indian man who lost his wife to COVID created a lifelike silicone model of her after she died. The model sits next to him on his couch, and features a little extra silicone to help him pass the time.

A London woman went blind after giving birth to a baby. Her mother was called in to help after she repeatedly breast fed her hairless cat.

Archaeologists in Germany determined early humans skinned bears and other prehistoric animals to wear their fur over 300,000 years ago. They also discovered a lot of prehistoric single moms whose husbands died trying to get them fur coats.

Fans of Celine Dion are outraged at the singer’s omission from Rolling Stone magazine’s list of the all-time greatest 200 singers. “Tell me about it” said similarly shocked Lou Bega and members of Color Me Badd.

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Twenty-two people were injured when an SUV crashed in to a New York City restaurant. The hostess ignored it for a half-hour because the driver didn’t have a reservation.

The late Pope Benedict’s last words were reportedly “Jesus, I love you” … only he said it to a naked 17-year-old boy standing at his bedside.

Southwest Airlines was hit with its first lawsuit for not providing refunds after cancelling over 15,000 flights. Passengers rejected Southwest’s initial offer of peanuts.

An 87-year-old Philaelphia woman was struck in the shoulder by gunfire while celebrating New Year’s Eve on her front porch. She’s now earned her place as the oldest living member of the Philadelphia chapter of the Crips.

The House of Representatives failed to elect Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House, the first time in over 100 years a Speaker was not elected on the first ballot. McCarthy received only 203 of the required 218 votes needed. Adding insult to injury, 10 votes were received by Deez Nutz.

A 77-year-old man was rescued after becoming stuck in a drive-thru car wash when he hit the accelerator and the car flipped on its side. He was treated for minor leg injuries and hot wax inhalation.

Accused Idaho Four murder suspect Bryan Kohberger waived extradition and was scheduled to return to Idaho Wednesday morning. As of Wednesday afternoon he was still handcuffed in the Southwest boarding area after two flights were cancelled.

Drew Barrymore said the one actor who could convince her to return to acting is Adam Sandler, or someone else with a convincingly big enough check.

Sharon Osbourne revealed that daughter Kelly has welcomed a baby boy, Sidney. They wanted to keep the name at two syllables so Grampa Ozzy has a fair chance at remembering it and saying it right.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ is expected to cause a major flooding event in large parts of California, making real estate even more expensive since more of it will be waterfront.

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A family of four survived a 250-foot plunge off of a cliff in a Tesla as they rode on Highway 1 in California. They were transported to a local hospital, where they were expected to finish the movie they were all watching on the dashboard.

This week marks the start of the annual Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, where industry execs gather to see the world’s biggest TVs in the same place as the world’s biggest boobs.

Brendan Fraser’s performance as a terminally-ill obese man in The Whale almost went to James Corden. They decided on Fraser because audiences wouldn’t have the patience to wait 90 minutes for Corden to die.

Kellyanne Conway told the January 6th Committee that the only person Donald Trump is truly afraid of is his wife, Melania. Mostly because of the nude pics of him she has on her phone.

Marshall’s discount department store is closing their Center City Philadelphia location, marking the occasion with the chain’s first-ever Going Out Of Business Smash-&-Grab.

A “nearly mummified” body was found in South Carolina, in a clothing donation bin that hadn’t been emptied for months. Forensics experts are tasked with identifying the deceased, while trying to make the sneakers they were wearing ready for sale.

Jessica Simpson posted a selfie wearing her 8th grade cheerleading jacket. “Nope, still nothing” said her husband.

UFC founder Dana White and his wife were recorded having a physical altercation on New Year’s Eve at a bar in Cabo San Lucas after a night of heavy drinking. White apologized, but will also offer the rematch via pay-per-view for $69.95.

A traveler was arrested at New York’s JFK Airport for smuggling handgun parts in jars of Jif peanut butter in his checked bags. The SPCA is investigating the man’s dog who suffered minor injuries cleaning his other guns.

Officials in China’s government blasted the U.S. and several European counries for requiring travelers to show a negative COVID test. To help smooth things over, Spirit Airlines has offered flights that will only allow COVID-positive people on board.

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The White House publicly condemned Texas Governor Greg Abbott for sending busloads of migrants to Vice President Kamala Harris’ house on Christmas Eve. The migrants were just happy not to end up in Buffalo.

Kathy Whitworth, the winningest professional golfer ever with 88 tournament championships, passed away. Whitworth’s last title was the Lady Michelob Championship in 1982 – Lady Michelob is now known as Michelob Ultra.

GOP Congressman elect George Santos admitted to lying about his employment history and his education. He still plans to serve in Congress, but faces suspension and other sanctions from LinkedIn.

Pope Francis confirmed that retired Pope Benedict is “very sick”. It’s reached the point where Benedict reportedly asks the altar boys he’s molesting to move his hands for him.

A White House employee testified to the January 6th Committee that Donald Trump did not know his presidential schedule was public until his final weeks in office. Trump then demanded a less-detailed version be created, so instead of ‘golf and tv’, it just said ‘tv’.

A Buffalo, NY couple has cared for the body of a woman they found dead outside of their home during the city’s blizzard. But first they tried to revive her by placing an old silk hat they found on her head.

Police in Mexico arrested a truck driver transporting 660 pounds of fentanyl hidden inside of coconuts. They believe the narcotics point-of-origin was Gilligan’s South Pacific Drug Island.

Southwest Airlines CEO Bob Jordan issued a public apology for the carrier’s cancellation of thousands of flights over the Christmas holiday, ending his statement with a *ding*, letting ticket holders know they are free to move about the boarding gate where they’ve been sleeping for the past two nights.

Kim Kardashian cried during a podcast when discussing co-parenting with Kanye West, calling it “really f**king hard” – as opposed to her time dating Pete Davidson, calling that “f**king really hard”.

McDonald’s is testing a fully-automated location in Texas with no human workers to serve customers. They plan to roll it out in other locations as soon as the robots learn how to half-fill boxes of large fries.

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Wishing a very Merry Christmas to all of my readers, but especially Jeff, Dave, Jason, Mark, Marc, Jim, Tony, Lance, and others I may not be so well aware of. Taking a day or two off next week but thanks again! All the best to all of you.

Flip or Flop star Christina Hall said she’s suffering from lead and mercury poisoning, and blames the illness on all of the ‘gross’ houses she’s renovated. She’s recovering, and vows to stop testing for lead paint by eating it.

Chef Ali Ahmed Aslam, the man credited with inventing chicken tikka masala, passed away at age 77. He will be laid to rest on a bed of basmati rice.

The January 6th Committee released their final report, along with NFTs of the members in superhero costumes which they’re selling for $99.

57-year-old Shania Twain posed topless for the cover of her new single. “That don’t impress me much” said guys looking at it.

Adnan Syed, the recently-freed convicted murderer and subject of hit podcast ‘Serial‘, was hired by Georgetown University as part of their prison reform initiative. He’s reportedly having a tough time getting a date for the Holiday party.

Online gossip columnist Deuxmoi claims actor Henry Cavill did not leave – but was fired – over misogynistic behavior on the set of Netflix’ ‘The Witcher‘…according to an anonymous bitcher.

A teenager who thought she had Lyme disease after a tick bite was discovered to have left a tampon inside her for two years. She eventually recovered from toxic shock, and the tick was treated for food poisoning.

Homeowners in Alaska captured a moose shedding its antlers on their Ring doorbell camera. The moose then left their porch to complete its other Alaskan Grubhub deliveries.

Video from Missouri showed a transformer exploding into sparks as temperatures dipped well below zero. Officials said the transformer, Megatron, was in stable condition after changing into a furnace.

Bill Gates’ pregnant daughter, Jennifer, held a Christmas-themed baby shower just weeks ahead of her projected download of a baby girl.

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An 88-year-old man arrived at a French hospital with a World War I artillery shell lodged in his rectum, forcing the facility to evacuate. The shell was removed by doctors, who were happy detonation was avoided by the lack of Mexican food in France.

U.S. law enforcement officers seized enough fentanyl to kill every American in 2022, and enough cash for Border Patrol officers to give themselves nice Christmas bonuses.

United States Postal Service trucks will transition from gas to electric by 2026, or whenever your 2022 Christmas deliveries arrive, whichever is later.

Allegiant Airlines failed to load any checked baggage on a flight from Bellingham, Washington to Oakland, California. Allegiant announced their baggage handlers will no longer be trained at Philadelphia International Airport.

A lawyer was kicked out of the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular because her law firm is suing the owner of Radio City. She’s now also suing for personal injury after being kicked by every Rockette on her way out.

New head of DC Comics movies James Gunn, having fired Henry Cavill as Superman, said no decision has been made regarding Gal Gadot’s status as Wonder Woman. Meanwhile, the Super Friends added Gunn to their list of Super Frenemies.

A massive winter storm across the U.S. promises to make this the coldest Christmas in decades, and colder still for every guy who buys their wife or girlfriend fitness equipment.

Outgoing Arizona Governor Doug Ducey will remove a border wall he commissioned, made out of stacked shipping containers. No word on plans for the 2,000 migrants living in the shipping containers.

The NHL’s Buffalo Sabres postponed Friday’s home game against the Tampa Bay Lightning due to what meteorologists are calling a “once in a generation” winter storm – or, what Buffalo residents are calling a “once every couple weeks” storm.

A new study finds red dye used in Skittles, Doritos and other snacks could trigger irritable bowel diseases – or, as they’re now known, Sour Cherry & Flamin’ Hot irritable bowel diseases.

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A House committee voted to make Donald Trump’s tax returns public. The move was criticized by Trump, and by McDonald’s, who each don’t want American citizens seeing how much they were charged for Big Macs and Diet Cokes.

A Doylestown, Pennsylvania man was arrested in Starbucks for throwing coffee on a police officer, lying on the ground and biting the cop’s leg. He was charged with assault, and overcharged for an average cup of coffee.

Khloe Kardashian revealed that her 4-year-old daughter True lost her first tooth, then woke up with a stiff neck after sleeping with $100,000 under her pillow.

The Taliban have banned women from universities in Afghanistan. They’re also executing any guys who show up for cheerleading tryouts at Kabul University.

Samsung released a new line of Star Wars accessories for their phones and smartwatches, making it easier for women and men to spot nerds they shouldn’t date.

Jeopardy! camera operators are reportedly having difficulty with current champion Ray Lalonde, who moves back and forth frequently, leading to their nickname ‘Ray The Sway’. He’s still easier to film than a different past champion, ‘Keisha the Seizha’.

Bill Gates said that his divorce from wife Melinda after 27 years was one of his “personal low points” – pointing to a line chart of his net worth on the day after his divorce was finalized.

China wants citizens to go to work, even if they’re infected with COVID. They’re even allowing some employees to work from home, because they already live in an iPhone factory.

CNN listed topics that you shouldn’t bring up at the holiday dinner table. Topping the list for anyone visiting family below the Mason-Dixon line: “watching CNN”.

New York’s prestigious Juilliard School is now embroiled in a massive scandal, alleging a professor/composer solicited sex from students. Over 500 former students signed an open letter demanding that he face the music.

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Airlines are reportedly lobbying Congress to allow flights with just one pilot in the cockpit. This way, there isn’t a copilot nagging the pilot about how much he’s been drinking.

A giant aquarium housing 1,500 tropical fish burst in a Berlin hotel. Most of them died, and attempts to save others with a defibrillator resulted in fried fish.

Students at a Canadian high school are banned from taking photos of a transgender woman teacher with Z-cup prosthetic breasts. Her placeholder yearbook photo will be a mannequin standing behind two watermelons.

A hippopotamus swallowed a 2-year-old Ugandan boy whole, then spit him out moments later. The boy’s mother then changed his diaper.

Tyler Perry – godfather to Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s baby, Lilibet – skipped the baby’s christening. Perry declined after Harry & Meghan refused to name the event ‘Tyler Perry’s Lilibet’s Christening’.

ABC’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve announced performances from New Edition and Duran Duran, as thousands of revelers pack New York’s Times Square to ring in 1983.

A new study finds 1 in 18 patients visiting hospital emergency rooms are misdiagnosed. The problem is worse in Chicago and Philadelphia emergency rooms, where patients are diagnosed with ‘bullet wound’ instead of ‘multiple bullet wounds’.

Tristan Thompson will pay $9,500/month in support for Theo, the baby he fathered with Maralee Nichols while still together with Khloe Kardashian. He’ll also have visitation when Nichols drops the baby off with Tristan in the Champagne Room.

A 56-year-old Delaware woman was carjacked and stabbed by a 27-year-old Philadelphia woman who brought her 1-year-old with her. The carjacker was arrested before she was able to get to the mall for pictures with Santa Claus.

In Florida, a home security camera captured a black bear eating a Chick-fil-A order that was delivered to the front porch. The delivery driver was disappointed that the homeowner failed to tip, but surprised that the bear gave him 10 bucks.

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The Federal Government will once again offer free at-home COVID tests to people who believe in it. They’ll also once again offer NORAD tracking of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve for people who believe in that.

A Philadelphia man is in critical condition after being hit by a car. The driver remained on the scene, making this the city’s first Hit & Stay of 2022.

The Washington Post announced massive layoffs, citing a lack of content that aligned with reader’s interests. In other words, their 10-letter Wordle knockoff isn’t panning out.

A 33-year-old woman was charged with drugging a man in Las Vegas, stealing his $12,000 Rolex watch, and hiding it in her vagina. The victim claimed his wallet is also missing, and police obtained a search warrant for her rectum.

TLC Network will premiere reality series MILF Manor, where 8 middle-aged single moms seek a romantic connection among 8 younger men. MILF Manor replaces the series original title, Perimenopause Palace.

Mobs poured into the streets of Paris after France defeated Morocco in the World Cup semi-final, clashing with police, who dispersed crowds using tear gas and water cannons. Cops preferred water cannons because it also helped with the body odor.

Director James Gunn confirmed that Henry Cavill will not return as Superman in his upcoming DC Films projects, angering DC superfans. Further angering them, the role going to The Big Bang Theory‘s Jim Parsons.

Donald Trump announced he’s selling limited edition $99 digital trading cards. The front features imagery of Trump as a cowboy, astronaut, superhero, etc.. the back features career stats including bankruptcies, settled lawsuits, extramarital affairs, funded abortions, and incorrect golf scores.

Emory University Healthcare fired several maternity nurses who’d posted a viral TikTok video complaining about patients, specifically mothers of newborns. The nurses have not been heard from since reporting to their new jobs at Emory Eldercare.

New York City’s mass transit authority is testing a new system that detects urine in subway elevators. The test is expected to start as soon as they can find an elevator that hasn’t already been pissed in.