By |

The FBI raided Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate searching for classified documents. No word on what they took, but so far the biggest revelation is agents walked in on Pete Davidson banging Melania.

Toyota is offering to buy back its BZ4X electric SUV because the wheels can fall off. It’s the first known case of defective truck nuts.

Serena Williams announced she’s “evolving away from tennis” after the U.S. Open – leading to sighs of relief from line judges who can now call foot faults without being threatened with a ball being rammed down their throat.

North Korea is destroying properties at the Mount Kumgang resort area bordering South Korea. It’s hard to believe, but Trip Advisor reviews for North Korea vacations are getting even worse.

A Texas church was issued a cease-and-desist order for staging an unauthorized production of ‘Hamilton’, with lyrics changed to Bible references, and a sermon comparing homosexuality to drug addiction. After rewrites, the church plans to premiere ‘Jesus Hamilton Superstar’.

Ezra Miller, star of upcoming DC Films movie ‘The Flash’, was arrested on felony burglary charges in Vermont. An emergency meeting will be held to discuss Flash’s removal as an honorary member of the Super Friends.

Tom Cruise will reportedly star in an upcoming song-and-dance musical, working title Mission Im-Paso Doble.

China has identified a new, potentially lethal, virus within its borders, the Langya Henipavirus. To distinguish it from influenza and coronavirus, they’re simply calling it the Number 3.

Singer & actress Olivia Newton John passed away following a lenghty battle with cancer. Flags were lowered to half-staff in her native Australia, and at Rydell High.

An Ohio-based team set the world record for Fastest Monster Truck when their Jeep Gladiator topped out at 101.84mph, before running out of gas after 1/10th of a mile.

By |

Premium streaming services HBO Max and Discovery+ will combine next year. Viewers are already excited for Euphoria: Naked and Afraid.

WNBA star Britney Griner reportedly won over Russian prison guards who told her “everything will be OK!” before the conclusion of her trial. She was sentenced to 9 years and guards said “OK maybe not!”

Amazon is acquiring iRobot for over a billion dollars. iRobot technology will continue to suck up household dirt and human jobs in warehouses.

A lightning strike killed two people and injured two others in Washington DC. Members of Congress said this still won’t stop them from lying.

Actress Christina Ricci said in an interview that Johnny Depp first explained homosexuality to her when she was nine years old. Ricci appreciated it, but said she could have done without watching the movies Depp showed her.

Singer Doja Cat surprised fans on Instagram, revealing she’d shaved her head and eyebrows and claiming she “never liked” having hair. Instagram temporarily crashed from the influx of shaved ‘cat’ comments.

Tyler Perry doesn’t want to talk about race issues with his 7-year-old son Aman yet. He’s saving that for Tyler Perry’s ‘Tyler Perry Talks About Race With His Son Aman.’ Coming soon to theaters.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers said he wouldn’t have been NFL MVP the last two seasons without having a ‘magical’ experience taking hallucinogen ayahuasca. He’s looking for a new drug that can help him win playoff games.

A woman shared an essay with the Huffington Post, saying she had sex for the first time in 10 years and it landed her in the emergency room. Her boyfriend also shared an essay, saying he was right that they should practice sex more often.

Firefighters were called to remove a bear from the laundry room of a Santa Barbara County, California home. The bear had broken a water pipe to drink from it. and left with the firefighters once his socks were dry.

By |

Tinder’s first female CEO was fired after less than a year on the job. Male shareholders complained she looked nothing like her profile picture.

Albany, NY news anchor Heather Kovar, who was suspended for slurred, rambling speech during a live broadcast, confirmed she has left her job. She thanked all the great people at Eyewishes Noosh.

Some craft breweries are shutting down because of a national carbon dioxide shortage. Others are shutting down because brewers are trying carbon monoxide instead and dying.

The NFL is appealing Deshaun Watson’s six game suspension. They’re asking to make it longer, which, coincidentally, is what Watson is accused of doing with massage therapists.

A boat on Disney World’s ‘It’s A Small World’ attraction sank, leaving guests stranded for an hour. Some waited to be rescued, others chose to drown so they didn’t have to hear the song anymore.

Walmart announced layoffs of corporate employees in their e-commerce and health & wellness divisions, saying their customers don’t know what those things are anyway.

Georgia residents can now claim unborn children as dependents when filing taxes. Single women are asking boyfriends for tax returns to see how many dependents they created with other women.

A New York Times article assessing Kansas’ rejection of an abortion ban asserts that 4 out of 5 states would vote similarly to protect abortion rights. The 5th state is Mississippi, whose voters would first need education about where babies come from.

Batgirl star Leslie Grace spoke out for the first time since DC/Warner Brothers cancelled the release of the film to HBO Max. She said things were going well, then POW! … ZAP! .. SPLAT!… they weren’t.

A Florida man & woman were arrested for filming sex acts with a dog. Police would not disclose the nature of the acts, but the woman is receiving treatment for a Pupperoni infection.

By |

Voters in Kansas rejected a constitutional amendment to ban abortion – dashing the hopes of young women looking for any reason to get out of Kansas.

Comedian Dane Cook, 50, is engaged to his 23-year-old girlfriend, Kelsi Taylor. “Nice set” said fellow comedians, looking at Taylor.

The United States imposed sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s reported girlfriend, Alina Kabaeva. She’s not sure what this means, but is hoping she gets extradited from his bedroom.

Valdir Segato, the ‘Brazilian Hulk’ who injected his muscles with oil to make them bigger, died on his 55th birthday. While the oil may have contributed to his death, the mortician handling the body said it’ll save him a few bucks on embalming fluid.

Tiger Woods reportedly turned down between $700 – 800 million to join the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Woods reviewed the tour itinerary and saw too few stops had Perkins pancake restaurant locations where he could hook up with hostesses.

Investment platform Robinhood is cutting 23% of its workforce, since robbing from the rich crypto and stock traders isn’t doing so great.

Gregory Beaumarchais, a California police officer named Detective Of The Year in 2019, was charged for sending lewd messages to a online decoy posing as a 14-year-old girl. Beaumarchais will likely be fired and pursue work as – and share pics of – a private dick.

Warner Bros. Pictures scrapped plans to air a Batgirl movie on HBO Max after it already finished filming – the latest victim of BatCancel Culture.

Rapper Blueface and his girlfriend were captured on video having a fistfight on a Hollywood street. He’s now Black-&-Blueface.

The NFL fined Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross $1.5 million dollars and suspended him for six games for tampering with Tom Brady & Sean Payton while they were under contract to other teams. Ross said if he knew he’d only be getting six games, he’d have more aggressively tampered with the Dolphins cheerleaders.

By |

Cat food brand Fancy Feast is opening a two-day pop-up Italian trattoria restaurant for humans in New York City. So far, no one has applied for the short-term job scooping the restrooms.

A passenger entering Australia after a flight from Indonesia was fined $1,874 for failing to declare two Egg McMuffins in their luggage. Australia has strict new biosecurity measures to prevent illness from Indonesian McFoot & McMouth Disease,

Nichelle Nichols, Lt. Uhura from Star Trek, passed away at 89. According to her manager, she’ll only appear at Trek conventions for just two more months.

Someone turned in 62 3D-printed ‘ghost guns’ at a Houston gun buyback event, collecting a $150 gift card for each. The owner said the guns are no good to him anyway, because the bullets fly right through the ghosts.

Spectrum Cable was ordered to pay $7 billion in damages to the family of an elderly Texas woman murdered by one of its employees. Spectrum plans to appeal the award, and raised the family’s bill by ten bucks a month.

Because he got a foot-long back tattoo with Subway sandwich shops new Subway Series logo, a Las Vegas man now gets free Subway sandwiches for life. He plans to eat Subway cheesesteaks and meatball subs every day for the rest of his life – about 14 months.

Applebee’s launched a line of lip gloss that tastes like chicken wings – good news for men who like the taste of chicken wings, and kissing 70-year-old ladies who buy lip gloss at Applebee’s.

The NFL plans to suspend Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson for six games, following its new “one game suspension for every five sexual assaults” formula.

Taylor Swift’s team rushed to her defense after a report stated her private jet took 180 trips in seven months, making her a “climate criminal”. They say the trips weren’t all hers, since she routinely loans her jet out so her two cats can visit out-of-town family.

Elon Musk’s father Errol said he’s not necessarily proud of his billionaire son, and that he needs to lose weight. It’s difficult to know how Elon will react to the stinging criticism from the guy who knocked up his stepsister.

By |

The Arizona Cardinals removed a clause from QB Kyler Murray’s new contract requiring four hours of film study each week after Murray called it disrespectful. Murray puts in over four hours each week thanks to a Pornhub Premium subscription.

Spanish prosecutors say they’ll seek an 8-year prison sentence for global superstar Shakira, who they say failed to pay over $24 million euros in taxes. If they succeed, incarcerated lesbians plan a cellmate lottery to determine who she’ll bunk with.

While hosting a Saudi-funded LIV Golf event at his New Jersey club, Donald Trump said “nobody’s gotten to the bottom” of 9/11. He expects it’ll also take at least 22 years to get the bottom of 1/6.

Washington DC Mayor Muriel Bowser is asking for help processing over 5,000 migrants bused to the nation’s capital by Gov Greg Abbott after entering the U.S. in Texas. She said she wouldn’t be concerned if not for the free AR-15s Abbott gave them as a parting gift.

Record flooding in Kentucky led to the deaths of 15 people, mainly those who’d told friends & relatives they were excited about all the new swimmin’ holes.

Will Smith posted a YouTube video apologizing to Chris Rock for the Oscars slap. Smith added “I’m human and I made a mistake and I’m trying not to think of myself as a piece of s–t”, referring to Collateral Beauty.

Charles Barkley turned down a big-money broadcasting and appearance offer from the LIV Golf tour. Barkley said he arrived at his decision after considering his current network and sponsorship deals, and after reminding himself he sucks at golf.

Monkeys are terrorizing residents of Yamaguchi in southwestern Japan, with some entering homes and snatching babies from nurseries. Parents are happy to get the babies back, but are also glad for a few free hours of monkey day care.

A Reddit user and Cast Member at Disneyland said his pay at the theme park was so low, he turned to sex work in order to make ends meet. He said that pay wasn’t great either, but it was better if he kept the Minnie Mouse costume on.

A video screen toppled at a Hong Kong concert by Cantonese pop group Mirror, injuring two dancers. The show was halted, but the group vowed to continue their Seven Years Bad Luck Tour.

By |

Russia announced they’ll be leaving the International Space Station at the end of 2024 – or as soon as their Death Star is finished, whichever’s sooner.

Google is adding over 100 photorealistic aerial views to landmarks in Google Maps. Previously, users could only access aerial views when Maps directed them to drive off a cliff.

Joe Biden tested negative for COVID-19 and will leave isolation as soon as Jill gets back to tell him which door is the exit.

Newlyweds Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck took a family visit to the Louvre Museum in – proving even rich kids can be subjected to the most boring vacation activities before they finally reach Disneyland Paris.

Rose Valentino, a police officer once featured on TLC Network show ‘Police Women Of Cincinnati‘, was caught on bodycam footage using the N-word. The TLC show was cancelled years ago, but Fox News saw the footage and offered Valentino a new show of her own.

A Kentucky couple who let their 6-year-old run a marathon was visited by child protective services. They interviewed the child once he finished cutting the family’s 4-acre lawn using a walk-behind mower.

A British tourist died walking into the rear blades of a helicopter while taking a selfie. His family requested privacy while they assess the damage to his iPhone’s screen.

Married actors Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard announced their 9-year-old and 7-year-old “graduated” to sleeping in their own room instead of the same room as their parents. They’ve also graduated to one-hour therapy sessions to cope with the sex they saw and heard.

The CEO of chicken restaurant Raising Cane’s bought $100,000 worth of Mega Millions lottery tickets with the intent to share the winnings with employees. The employees said, all things being equal, they’d rather have health insurance.

Jennifer Lopez posed nude to publicize the launch of her new butt-firming lotion: JLo Body by JLo Beauty Firm + Flaunt Targeted Booty Balm. It comes in a half-gallon jug because they need room to fit the name, and to have enough to cover her butt once.

By |

A woman at Dallas Love Field airport fired gunshots into the air after entering near the Southwest Airlines ticket counter. A Southwest spokesperson said she’s been moved from boarding group A to group C.

Ice cream maker Klondike announced they’re discontinuing the Choco Taco after 40 years. Instead of asking people what they’d do for the Klondike bar, the company said there’s nothing anyone can do.

The Weather Channel apologized for an on-air graphic reading ‘Hello Des Moines. This is your weather my N**gers”. The Weather Channel said the message was intended to read “Hello Los Angeles…”

Viral video shows a man in Zhejiang province, China, catching a 3-year-old who’d fallen out of a 6th floor window. The child was a girl, so the parents told the man he could keep her.

A 73-year-old woman was airlifted to a Florida hospital after being stabbed in the groin by a 100-pound sailfish that was being reeled on to her boat. The sailfish wasn’t exactly thrilled by its decision either.

A 46-year-old man masturbating to a sunbathing woman at a nude beach in Lyon, France was shot dead by another nudist. The shooter was arrested, and treated for burns after trying to hide the weapon.

Florida rapper Rollie Bands was gunned down outside of his Tampa apartment, minutes after daring critics to confront him in an Instagram post. Cops are investigating who owns a gun and unfollowed Rollie Bands.

A new study claims great white sharks may change color while hunting prey. A different study said no, those are blood stains.

A dermatology professor at Stanford University explains while many of our faces are puffy in the morning – being repeatedly punched in them by spouses to stop the snoring.

Ghislaine Maxwell was transferred to a minimum security Florida prison to begin serving her 15-year sentence. She can be visited by up to four adults and eight kids at one time – so she can quickly see whose massage technique the warden likes best.

By |

A Rhode Island high school basketball coach allegedly molested students while telling them he was measuring their body fat. He plans a vigorous defense, saying obese boys weren’t molested, nor did they make the basketball team.

Veterans can now teach in Florida schools without a degree – a controversial privilege once reserved only for gym teachers.

The New Jersey Farm Fair took place as planned over the weekend despite 98 degree heat. Several cows & pigs were treated for heat exhaustion after riding the Tilt-A-Whirl

Steve Bannon was convicted on two Contempt of Congress charges. He also pleaded no contest to multiple Contempt of Personal Hygiene charges.

A duck named Wrinkle completed the Long Island Marathon and received a medal. Wrinkle’s owner said the hardest part was finding running shoes.

As a protest against rampant gun violence, Pat Benatar won’t sing ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot‘ in concert. As a protest against the overturning of Roe v Wade, she changed the lyrics of a lesser hit to ‘Hell Is For Children (That Probably Should Have Been Aborted)’.

T-Mobile agreed to pay $350 million in compensation to affected customers over a 2021 data breach. They’ve already started to notify customers via phone call, but since they’re T-Mobile customers, most of the calls dropped.

A chess playing robot broke a boy’s finger during a tournament in Moscow. The boy’s finger was put in a cast and the game continued; however, the robot will no longer be allowed to participate in an upcoming Candy Land tournament.

Tubal ligation for women and vasectomies for men are surging in the wake of the Roe v Wade decision – so much that the owners of a popular dating app are considering introducing Tinder: Sterilized.

Following the retirement of Vince McMahon, wrestler Paul ‘Triple H’ Levesque was announced as Head of WWE Creative. Triple H plans to introduce the first non-binary WWE Champion, who is both Hero & Heel.

By |

Extended drought lowered the level of Nevada’s Lake Mead, to the point where it revealed a sunken World War II-era Higgins Boat used to carry personnel for sea-to-land invasions. In addition to the boat, researchers found a terrible set of directions to Normandy Beach.

A woman in Reddit’s “Am I The A**hole” forum said she interrupted her husband’s online livestream after coming home to find their 7-month-old unfed and with a full diaper. She claimed their baby had livestreamed her pants at least an hour earlier.

KLM Airlines told passengers at Amsterdam’s airport their systems broke and they wouldn’t accept any checked bags. Bathroom lines were a quarter-mile long as smugglers frantically moved all the drugs they could from suitcases to their rectums.

Baywatch star Donna D’Errico clapped back at women who said she’s too old to post Instagram photos in a bikini at age 54. Supporters came to her aid, including a horny David “Mitch Buchannon” Hasselhoff, who sang “I’ll be there” as he rang her doorbell.

Donald Trump reportedly watched the January 6th riots on tv for 187 consecutive minutes. The January 6th Commission called it a dereliction of duty, and the longest tv program to hold his attention since the Miss Teen USA Pageant.

A 20-person brawl between two groups erupted at Disney World after a disagreement about line-cutting. Disney Cast Member personnel finall broke it up after two princesses and Wizard Mickey failed to stop it with magic spells.

A teacher went viral on Tik Tok for saying he left his $43,000/yr teaching job to make $65-70,000 as a Walmart manager by “not using his degree”. That, and he gets to steal a lot cooler stuff than just school supplies.

Bruce Springsteen fans are outraged by Ticketmaster’s ‘dynamic pricing’ of tickets to his 2023 tour as high as $5,000 each. They’re even angrier at dynamic ‘You Might Also Like’ suggestions of John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band tickets for $5 each.

Qantas Airlines booked a couple’s 13-month-old baby on a separate flight from Europe to Thailand as they tried to make their way home to Australia. The baby was cool with it since the parents were angry and he was looking forward to breast-feeding from somebody new.

A woman who has sex with her husband on Only Fans had trouble keeping up with her husband’s libido, so she spent $1,800 on a lookalike sex doll. She’s glad her husband has sex with the doll, but angry that the new Only Fans he started with the doll makes more money.