The personal data of 150 million users of My Fitness Pal was breached by hackers. “Oh no, I’d better stop exercising until this gets figured out!” said over 149 million users.
This week, Google Maps is letting users play ‘Where’s Waldo?’ in the app, leading to record app usage and record volume of 7-year-olds totalling the family car.
Tiger Woods and his ex-girlfriend Kristin Smith are reportedly in arbitration, with Smith asking to be released from a non-disclosure agreement she’d signed.
Microsoft revealed they’ve received 238 gender discrimination and harassment claims over the past six years, many of them citing lewd and vulgar responses to help requests submitted to Clippy the Office Assistant.
Toys R Us stores announced they’re closing or selling all locations and will fully liquidate. Also expected to liquidate? The pants of kids hearing that Toys R Us is gone.
Investment banking giant Goldman Sachs is expected to name David Solomon as their next CEO. Solomon, 56, is a part-time electronic dance dj who works New York and Miami clubs as ‘DJ D-Sol’, at raves which start at 4:30pm and end at 8:30.
Sears is seeking to improve its women’s apparel sales by bringing in the Jaclyn Smith line of clothing from KMart. Sears hopes to regain market share in women’s clothing that it’s been losing to Goodwill and its customers dying.
A new report claims that McDonald’s burgers and fries are higher in calories and salt than they were 30 years ago. McDonald’s disputes the report, saying that can’t be true since the burgers and fries have been in inventory for 35 years.
A new dating app, Waving, allows users to select potential partners by letting you hear the sound of their voice. Executives say the app’s beta is doing well with every category except hot deaf women.
A Minnesota woman was sentenced to a 180-day jail term for fatally shooting her boyfriend in a botched YouTube stunt. Her boyfriend held a book in front of his chest, believing it would stop the bullet. Unfortunately, it was an ebook.
Former ESPN President John Skipper said he resigned after his cocaine dealer threatened to extort him. The dealer said unless Skipper acceded to his demands, he could…go…all…the…way….to Disney CEO Bob Iger.
According to the National Institute on Retirement Security, 66% of millennials have no money saved for retirement. Millennials responded to the survey by saying they’re more interested in using money on experiences – like travel, concerts and homelessness.
Jeopardy! viewers took to Twitter to identify contestant Paris Themmen – who called himself an entrepreneur and backpacker – as the child actor who portrayed Mike TeeVee in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Themmen finished second, winning $2,000, a case of Aleve and the heave-ho from weird looking little people.
A USA Today story highlights that many of the drones people bought for Christmas have gone missing during flight. Users are upset at the money they spent, and the lost video footage of neighborhood women changing clothes.
Boeing revealed a prototype drone capable of hauling 500 pounds. The drone’s most recent test flight at max payload successfully delivered the President and his golf clubs to Florida.
CVS has banned photo manipulation for pictures appearing on beauty brands in its stores. Activists consider this a huge victory in the fight against unrealistic body images, and a huge defeat for models with zits.
Mitt Romney said that President Trump’s comments that certain foreign nations were “shitholes” is ‘antithetical to American values’. Trump clapped back saying that he was not anti-thetical, before asking an aide if “theticals” meant black people.
A Pegasus Airlines jet carrying 168 passengers slid off the runway at Turkey’s Trabzon airport and dangled nose down off of an adjacent cliff. No passengers were injured, but the captain announced that they were last in line for takeoff.
Actor and comedian Aziz Ansari issued an apology for trying to get laid.
ESPN announced a new morning show to compete with major networks. The 3-hour program, ‘Get Up’, will be hosted by Michelle Beadle, Mike Greenberg, and Jalen Rose. ESPN promises viewers interactive segments, like guessing which host will be the first one fired for sexual misconduct.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders accused Amazon’s Alexa voice assistant of shipping her an order for an $80 Batman toy because her 2-year-old repeatedly shouted “Batman”. President Trump repeatedly denied saying “shithole” in an Oval Office DACA meeting, but his order history showed Alexa shipped a child’s training toilet to the White House.
The Emergency Management worker who mistakenly activated an incoming ballistic missile warning for Hawaii has been reassigned. He now greets tourists at the airport, puts a lei on their neck and tells them “it’s been nice knowing you.”
Amazon announced that it’s upgrading Alexa to offer not just facts and recommendations, but ‘her’ own opinion on TV shows, beer and more – followed by extended periods of silence toward guys when they ignore it.
Facebook is clamping down on “engagement bait” – posts that specifically ask for Likes, Comments & Shares. Everyone on Facebook promptly forgot the phone number of the Suicide Hotline and now just assume that no one is ever listening.
ESPN President John Skipper resigned from the network, citing a substance abuse issue. No further details were released, but it’s believed the head of ESPN can’t stop kissing Lebron James’ ass.
Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson – focus of an NFL investigation regarding sexual harassment – announced that he is selling the team, but keeping the cheerleaders.
President Trump tweeted his opinion that Republicans will do “very well” in 2018, presumably because none of them will pay any taxes.
Chick-fil-a is being praised for breaking with tradition and opening its Atlanta airport location on Sunday to feed passengers stranded there because of a power outage. Delta Airlines tried feeding the hungry travelers, but ran out of meals after they got to Row 15.
Sarah Idan, competing as Miss Iraq in the Miss Universe pageant, said that she’s received death threats for a selfie she posted while posing with Miss Israel – and a lesser number of death threats for her singing in the talent competition.
According to corporate compensation firm Equilar, just one woman appears on their list of Highest Paid Executives Age 40 & Under – and man, does she ever get hit on a lot.
Campbell’s Soup is acquiring Snyder’s Pretzels, in an attempt to corner the market on sad lunches.
Austin McChord, a former student at Rochester Institute of Technology, donated $50 million to the school, the largest donation in its history – but will somehow still get six calls every year from the phone bank at the Alumni Pledge Drive.
Today, Twitter will begin enforcing its new rules around hate speech, violent threats and harassment – redirecting those activities to Reddit, whose new mobile apps launch today.
Delta Airlines agreed to purchase up to 200 new Airbus jets. The first jets are set to be delivered in 2020, but Delta told Airbus not to rush, they’re not really all that concerned with on-time arrivals.
Two Florida women accused of shoplifting in Best Buy by placing items in an empty baby stroller were caught after crashing their getaway car. One of the thieves made a last ditch effort to fool arresting officers by breast-feeding a stolen Xbox.
Both Steve Bannon and President Trump have urged Roy Moore to concede defeat to Doug Jones in the race for U.S. Senate earlier this week. Moore has yet to do so, saying he’s awaiting results of a recount and that he left his phone in his horse’s saddlebag.
Reports suggest that Kim Jong Un’s top military aide, Vice Marshal Hwang Pyong-so, has been executed. Hwang was last seen on October 13th modeling his Donald Trump Halloween costume and asking around about Christmas bonuses.
ABC’s Robin Roberts bid a snarky ‘Bye Felicia’ to outgoing Trump aide Omarosa Manigault Newman, leading Omarosa to reply by calling Roberts ‘petty’ and declaring ‘black woman civil war – the first civil war ever declared over black women’.
Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is rumored to be retiring from politics at the end of 2018 – a move expected to leave GOP congressmen scrambling to find a new leader for midday P90X sessions.
400 Subway franchise owners signed a petition protesting the planned return of the sandwich chain’s $5 Footlong promotion in January, saying that their profits are already strained from switching to chemical-free bread and using real mayonnaise instead of drywall spackle.
Facebook is adding a 30-day ‘Snooze’ button so that you can take a break from a person, page or group, after research showed users preferred telling annoying Facebookers they were asleep instead of saying they unfriended them.
Peyton Manning surprised travelers at Denver International Airport when he dropped in on a football trivia contest being held there. He missed the first six questions and was benched in favor of a traveling hardware salesman whose flight was delayed by snow.
A Boston Globe report states that women working at ESPN face a culture of rampant sexism and hostility. The report claims several women went so far as to try and hide their pregnancies, but keen-eyed Jon Gruden used super slo-mo and a telestrator to highlight their concealed baby bumps.
CNN declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party this Friday, citing the President’s continued attacks on freedom of the press. The party is seen as a time for reporters to mingle with administration officials, and to hear carolers sing some of the President’s seasonal favorites like “White Christmas” and “Blood and Soil”.
Melania Trump also declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party, saying she has a thing she booked over a year ago.
A New Hampshire doctor who refuses to use a computer lost her medical license, but continues to practice because she never got the email.
Victoria became the first Australian state to legalize euthanasia. Soon, terminally ill patients will be able to box a kangaroo to their death.
Bitcoin topped $11,000 for the first time, leading confused, cash-strapped seniors to turn the pockets of their church pants inside-out looking for one.
Matt Lauer was fired by NBC News after a report of sexual misconduct at the Sochi Winter Olympics. The news was reported by NBC’s Brian Williams, who filed a story that he witnessed the alleged misconduct, rescued the woman and then won a gold medal in men’s alpine ski jumping.
The United Kingdom will allow over-the-counter Viagra sales starting in the spring. The move is expected to create hundreds of new jobs as middle-aged men pay teenagers to go buy Viagra for them.
Marvel Studios released a new trailer for Avengers: Infinity War — depicting Iron Man, Hulk, Black Panther, Captain America, Black Widow and about 20 other Marvel heroes checking their watches 90 minutes into Justice League.
ESPN is laying off 150 more employees, none of whom are Rex Ryan or Randy Moss. Come on, man!
92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury stirred controversy when she said that women must sometimes “take the blame” for men’s sexual harassment. Many reacted in disbelief that Lansbury was actually pretty hot-looking 70 years ago.
Church & Dwight, the owner of Trojan, reports that condom sales are down. Researchers say that 17-25 year-olds are having less sex because they’re distracted by their smartphones. And of those that do, the men have improved negotiating skills.
Fox Networks and T-Mobile announced they’ll be running a new 6-second ad format during Sunday’s Cowboys/Broncos game – giving football fans a few days to practice urinating in 6 seconds.
‘Bluetiful’ is the name of the new Crayola crayon chosen by fans after two months of online voting. It will debut later this year; toddlers are eager to see how it tastes.
Frank Giaccio, an 11 year-old boy who wrote to President Trump asking to mow the White House lawn, did just that on Friday morning. The President patted Frank on the back and called him “the future of our country…especially with all of those DACA immigrants I’m letting stay here now..”
Barron Trump will appear in a father-and-son White House portrait, keeping the President’s promise to see him every couple of days.
President Trump used Twitter to call on ESPN to “apologize for untruth”. ESPN apologized for calling new analyst Rex Ryan a football genius.
Rovio, maker of Angry Birds, plans an initial public stock offering that would put its market value at a billion dollars. Rovio’s founder said if the company beats the billion-dollar level, he’ll probably quit the game.
NASA concluded an eight-month experiment where six researchers were isolated atop a Hawaiian volcano to simulate life on Mars. The researchers were eager to finally get pizza and see if the country had changed Presidents.
Heather Locklear was sent to the hospital following a car crash. Locklear’s representative said her condition will be revealed next Thursday at 8PM!!
J.J. Abrams has replaced Colin Trevorrow as the director of Star Wars: Episode IX. Trevorrow was reportedly unhappy with the script, and Disney execs found his lack of faith disturbing.
Apple held an event at its headquarters introducing the iPhone 8. CEO Tim Cook told attendees no device has ever put as much power in to people’s hands – a claim disputed by men whose wives are holding the tv remote.
Amazon’s patent on 1-Click Shopping is set to expire next week, opening the door for other websites to make it just as easy to accidentally spend hundreds of dollars while drunk.
Nordstrom announced plans to open a new store in California that will be carry no clothing inventory. Their research showed that women wanted to sit in traffic and fight for parking before doing online shopping at a mall.
Beth Mowins became the first woman to do play-by-play for an NFL telecast, calling the Monday night Chargers/Broncos game for ESPN. Mowins teamed with analyst & former NFL coach Rex Ryan. Asked what she’ll remember most, Mowins said ‘wearing garbage bags over her feet’.
The NFL’s regular season begun, with fans getting a look at the updated concussion protocol. Players are now evaluated in a closed tent on the sidelines in order to minimize distractions, and allow players multiple guesses of how many fingers doctors hold up.
A study published in the medical journal Annals of Internal Medicine linked long periods of excessive sitting with early death. The study is seen as especially bad news for cats.
Puppies for sale at Petland pet stores have been linked to 39 cases of campylobacter infections in humans – which is transferred by touching the puppies’ feces and results in diarrhea and vomiting. The puppies claim it’s their only defense against going home with owners they don’t like.
Lady Gaga announced that she suffers from fibromyalgia, and will sing to her doctor to decide which treatment is right for her.
The Oakland A’s announced their 2018 schedule, and will offer free admission to the Tuesday, April 17th night game against the Chicago White Sox. A spokesman for Stubhub said that the price is in line with what most fans are willing to pay for A’s games this year.
Hi Chris Dolan 