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Singer Sam Smith announced via social media a change in pronouns to gender-neutral; Smith wants to be addressed as ‘they’ or ‘them’. Since Smith hasn’t had a hit song in years, most people are using the pronoun “Who?”

Subscription service Moviepass shut down. Owners plan to reorganize and start a business selling $12 buckets of popcorn online.

Saudi Arabia shut down half its crude oil production after Yemeni rebels set fire to multiple facilities with drone strikes. With cash flow cut in half, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman had to call off half of his weekly weddings and murders-for-hire.

An 18-year-old Juul user is suing the vape company, claiming he has the lungs of a 70 year old. He’s seeking damages in an amount befitting a rich 80-year-old.

The FDA is recommending approval of Palforzia, a drug to build immunity to peanut allergies in children. Recommended dosage is one Palforzia & jelly sandwich each day.

Rob Gronkowski said his brain is “fixed” after suffering 20 concussions. As evidence, Gronk said he’s just as smart as he was when he was 6 years old and hadn’t played football yet.

Jennifer Lopez said her 11-year-old son, Max, will walk her down the aisle when she marries Alex Rodriguez. Her daughter will hold her train, walking two feet behind her to avoid bumping into her ass.

A 6-year-old girl, who noticed her Army figurines were all men, convinced a toymaker to create female Army figurines, but only after conceding to the toymaker’s demand that they have huge boobs and a narrow waist.

A woman in Tennessee gave birth to a daughter, Caroline, on 9/11, at 9:11pm weighing 9 pounds, 11 ounces.  Her health insurer then gave her a copay bill of $9,011.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino celebrated his release from prison with his wife. The woman wife, not the prison one.

Caitlyn Jenner, speaking in a promo for a Comedy Central roast of Alec Baldwin, said she hasn’t cut “it” off. Sadly she meant both her penis and her tongue.

 

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The FDA is considering recalling furloughed food safety inspectors, citing the popularity of Chipotle’s new Lifestyle Bowls.

Ford sold out of a new $110,000 variant of its Lincoln Continental in just two days – the car is the first in years with center-opening “suicide doors”.  Although the Mexican drug gangs purchasing most of the vehicles prefer calling them “drive-by doors”.

Uber is experimenting with self-driving bikes and scooters, for people who can’t afford riding in self-driving cars, but who still want to be involved in fatal accidents.

Samsung may release three different versions of its upcoming Galaxy S10 phone, so customers can choose whether they want to keep their pocket warm, start a fire on an end table, or burn their whole house down.

GoFundMe launched a fundraising campaign to help furloughed Federal government workers. For just $750, you can buy a Pentagon purchasing employee a bag lunch.

The National Football League announced the referees for the Super Bowl. They selected every on-field & replay official graded “terrible” during the regular season, so fans can set their expectations accordingly.

Chinese authorities declared the work of He Jiankui – creator of the first gene-edited babies – illegal. He engineered the babies to be resistant to HIV. Authorities said they may consider leniency if his ‘genetically engineered boys with huge penises’ idea pans out.

Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium – site of the Super Bowl – will keep ‘Fan First’ pricing in effect for concessions. Hot dogs will still be $2 and a beer will cost $5. The only exception: earplugs sold prior to the Maroon 5 halftime show, which will sell for $99.

Two women found a five-foot crater in the sand while walking on a New Jersey beach. They believe that it may have been caused by a meteorite strike, because of a rock they found in the center, and because Chris Christie hadn’t been to that beach in months.

President Trump marked Monday’s national holiday with a visit to the grave of Martin Luther King, Jr. Trump laid a wreath on the grave and wished King a belated Merry Christmas.

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Reports surfaced that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was involved in a drunken bar brawl after a UB40 concert in the 80s.  The same report finds that Kavanaugh also once wore a bright yellow shirt to a Cure show and was excommunicated from their fan club.

Dunkin Donuts employees in Syracuse, NY were fired following the circulation of a viral video where one of them pours water on a homeless man. The employees have since been nominated to Federal judgeships by the Trump administration.

For the first time in 55 years, a woman – Canadian Donna Strickland – won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Strickland was recognized for her work in laser physics; specifically, how a laser can be utilized to turn up the thermostat from across a room.

Amazon raised its minimum wage for all of their employees to $15/hour. Amazon warehouse employees celebrated by raising the glass bottles they urinate in to keep from getting fired for bathroom breaks.

Lindsay Lohan appears in a new viral video, where she accuses a Moscow family of trafficking children then gets punched in the face. Her friends worry for her safety and want her to move back to the United States, to Cincinnati where there are no paparazzi. Lohan said it’s a difficult choice between living in Cincinnati or getting punched in the face.

First Lady Melania Trump arrived in Ghana for her first state visit of a shithole country.

A woman spectator’s eyeball reportedly “exploded” after being struck with a golf ball hit by American Brooks Koepka at the Ryder Cup in Paris. The woman reportedly lost sight in the eye, and was assessed a two-stroke penalty for moving her ball.

Primera Air – which launched in 2017 offering $99 one-way fares between the U.S. and Europe – suddenly announced it’s suspending operations. After the pilot made the announcement, all passengers and crew on the final flight parachuted to safety.

CEO Rupert Stadler, arrested for falsifying company records of diesel vehicle emissions, announced that he’s outie at Audi.

The FDA claims a factory making Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal knew of possible salmonella contamination, but refused to do anything about it. Kellogg’s disputes this, saying that the back of the box was updated with a new game, Dig ‘Em’s Toilet Challenge.

 

 

 

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Harley Davidson said that they’re introducing an electric motorcycle, the Livewire, in 2019. Early reviews from women straddling it say they’re not impressed.

The Food & Drug Administration is cautioning women about the safety and efficacy of so-called “vaginal rejuvenation” treatments. The FDA said they have not approved the treatments, especially those being offered as fundraisers for high school football teams.

An eight-year-old at a McDonald’s in West Virginia reportedly pricked her finger on a needle she picked up in the restaurant’s playground area.  McDonald’s announced at a news conference that Grimace had checked himself into a Charleston area rehab.

Salads & wraps sold at Kroger, Trader Joe’s and Walgreens are being recalled for possible contamination with parasites. People who purchased food at Walgreens are asked to discard the products or return them for a refund — and to take a long, hard look at the reasons they’re buying meals at a drug store.

Franklin, the first black ‘Peanuts’ character, turned 50 on Tuesday. Franklin said the death of cartoonist Charles Schulz left him with little hope that he’ll meet a black female Peanuts character.

Facebook confirmed the discovery of new “inauthentic” social media campaigns ahead of the midterm elections. They said they took them down because the Russians behind the campaigns wouldn’t pay extra to “boost” their posts.

Former Fox Network “Hell’s Kitchen” contestant Jessica Vogel passed away at age 34, and will audition to appear on “Heaven’s Kitchen”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that some parents are paying tutors $20/hour to help their children improve at popular video game Fortnite. One Washington, D.C. tutor reports earning $160/day tutoring a boy named Barron.

A McDonald’s in Canada mistakenly served a pregnant woman a cup of cleaning fluid instead of the latte she ordered.  A spokeswoman for McDonald’s said they didn’t want the pregnant woman ingesting so much caffeine.

66-year-old David Hasselhoff married 38-year-old model Hayley Roberts in Italy.  The couple were married by Hasselhoff’s longtime friend Kitt, who escorted the couple to their reception, got carried away and drove into a telephone pole.

 

 

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The Food & Drug Administration approved the first-ever prescription drug derived from marijuana, to deal with epilepsy symptoms. Stoners are busily booking doctors appointments and practicing seizures.

Harley-Davidson will move some production overseas in order to avoid punitive tariffs for motorcycles shipped from the U.S. to Europe.  Parisian shopkeepers are worried the resulting shipment delays will only further anger the notorious, croissant-thieving French Hell’s Angels.

Mike Fleiss, creator of ABC Television series ‘The Bachelor’, tweeted that he’s ‘horrified’ that ‘abusive a-holes’ are on the show. He wistfully recalled the days when the show prominently featured only vain, non-abusive a-holes.

Residents of Maine are being warned about the Lone Star Tick, whose bite makes victims allergic to red meat. The ticks are said to frequent cookouts to get at the extra cheeseburgers, and are working on an update to make victims allergic to craft beer.

Pennsylvania residents can now legally buy and set off aerial fireworks this 4th of July, but are upset that the state levies 18% sales tax on them – they feel they’re being charged a blown-off arm and a blown-off leg.

Michael Cohen’s lawyers have reviewed millions of documents seized during a raid at his offices, and will claim attorney/client privilege over 12,000. The lawyers may not be very good, because they identified the 12,000 by seeing which ones had ‘attorney’ ‘client’ and ‘privilege’ typed on them.

First responders in New Hampshire were able to rescue a 2-year-old boy trapped under a pile of rocks. Said the fire chief “thank God that kid had so many Tonka trucks.”

In Arizona, local officials are warning that snakes may be hiding in pool noodles, after several reports from residents surprised to be finding snakes in them. One snake apologized, saying he napped in the pool noodle after getting exhausted playing all morning on the Slither n Slide.

Apple released its Schoolwork App, which allows teachers with iPads to manage classroom tasks like creating assignments and tracking students’ progress. Apple is continuing its discounts on iPads so teachers whose primary iPad is running the Schoolwork App have a second iPad for watching porn.

The Supreme Court upheld the Trump Administration’s controversial travel ban from Muslim-centric countries, dealing a critical blow to immigration activists and causing a huge sigh of relief from American tourists flying home from the Middle East.

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President Trump plans to issue an order to deploy National Guard troops to the Mexican border, stating that they’ll protect the border “until there’s a wall”. Bricklayers who are also in the National Guard are lined up at their doctor’s offices getting notes about their bone spurs.

Skeletal remains found in a Long Island basement were identified as Louise Pietrewicz, a woman missing since 1966. The home once belonged to a married policeman, who was the prime suspect in her disappearance, but who took advantage of detectives too lazy to look for his missing girlfriend’s body in his basement.

A Chinese student is being deported for paying $3,000 to have an impostor take an English-language entrance exam to get into an American university. The good news is she can still complete her University of Phoenix degree online.

WWE Hall of Famer “Luscious” Johnny Valiant died after being struck while crossing the street. Witnesses say he bounced off one guard rail, then the other, before flipping and landing on his back. EMTs arrived, slapped the pavement three times and that was it.

Steven Spielberg said in an interview that, in the future, the next ‘Indiana Jones’ could be played by a woman. Spielberg continued by saying the first 20 minutes would be female Indiana Jones trying on hats to find the right one.

Donald Trump Jr. posted an Instagram photo of his sons playing with their aunt, Tiffany Trump. One of the boys, a four-year-old, posted the same photo to his Instagram account with the caption “feeling up this blond at my grampa’s Easter party.”

tiffany trump

The Food & Drug Administration issued a warning on abuse of loperamide, the active ingredient in anti-diarrheal Immodium, saying addicts are taking hundreds of pills at a time to achieve a methadone-like high and because they hate using public restrooms.

Jay-Z told David Letterman that he cried happy tears when his mother came out to him as gay. But then he cried sad tears when he found out how few words rhyme with ‘lesbian’.

Channing Tatum and wife Jenna Dewan are splitting up, but insisted there are no “secrets” or “salacious events” behind the separation. In a statement, the couple requested privacy as they look forward to independently creating secrets and salacious events.

April 5th is National Burrito Day. Although a coalition has formed in the Northeast to move it to a date later in the spring when it’s warm enough to leave windows open.

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An institutionalized Hawaii man described as a “psychopathic predator” – acquitted of a 1979 murder due to insanity – escaped a psychiatric hospital, took a taxi to Honolulu airport and flew to California. Police captured the fugitive, are reviewing his escape and determining how he booked all of that travel with Marlboro Miles.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a form of digital pill with an embedded sensor that tells your doctor when you take it.  The American Veterinary Association approved a similar pill that tells vets your dog or cat spit their pill out and are hiding under the sofa.

Senator John McCain blasted the U.S. Army for a report that they accept recruits with a history of self-mutilation, telling reporters that mutilation of recruits should be saved for basic training.

A U.S. man with a rare condition is the first to undergo gene editing in the body, and now goes by Jeanne.

The release date of superhero sequel Wonder Woman 2 has been moved six weeks earlier, to November 1st, from December 13th, 2019.  “Good luck with her being ready early” said her old boyfriend.

A rare alligator snapping turtle has been found in the forests of Illinois, the first such sighting in the state in 30 years. The 30-pound female is around 18-years-old and was discovered wandering alone, wondering where all of the cute guys are.

Taylor Swift surprised shoppers at a Nashville Target store with an unannounced  appearance, followed by the release of a store-exclusive diss track “Snake Getting Groceries”, aimed at people who asked her for selfies without buying her Reputation album first.

People magazine named Blake Shelton their ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, with the express condition he not write a terrible country song with that title.

Three UCLA men’s basketball players returned with the team from China, where they were detained after allegedly shoplifting Louis Vuitton sunglasses. Upon arrival in the U.S., the players updated their Amazon Wish Lists to include “new sunglasses”.

President Trump is breaking with tradition and will not meet the American winners of Nobel Prizes. The White House cited a scheduling conflict with the Arena Football League Champion Philadelphia Soul – assuming they accept.

 

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A high school art teacher in Arkansas was arrested, accused of having sex with four students. Her arraignment is delayed while she’s being treated for finger paint and paper mache infections.

Dozens of Florida women volunteered to do the laundry of visiting electrical linemen helping to restore power to the state after Hurricane Irma. Dozens of smarter Florida women are just buying the linemen new underwear.

For the first time in its 250-year history, the Marine Corps will have a female infantry officer. She will assume the post after completing mandatory training to prevent sexually harassing herself.

A Georgia area music teacher was removed from the classroom after giving her students printouts of vulgar rap lyrics and telling them to make them “more positive”. Of those students completing the assignment, the most popular n-word was “nurses”.

France is considering skipping the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea over security concerns, disappointing gamblers waiting to bet against the French men’s ice hockey team.

Travelers to Mexicali, Mexico are being warned about 7Up beverages contaminated with methamphetamine. One person has died from drinking it, and dozens more have died from routine chemical explosions at the bottling plant.

The FDA has recalled 11-ounce cans of Death Wish Nitro Cold Brew coffee because of botulism risk. An FDA spokesperson said the contaminated coffee could be lethal to drink, unless someone has built up an immunity drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

A California woman reported that while she watched HGTV, she heard a male voiceover speaking the warning “in the last days, extremely violent time will come.” No word from HGTV on whether they’ll air more episodes of House Hunters: Apocalypse.

Megyn Kelly Today debuts on NBC at 9a.m. Monday. Kelly assured reporters that “It’s not going to be the Trump channel.” Meanwhile Fox & Friends debuts a new show at 9a.m. Monday called The Trump Channel.

Former Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall told Bleacher Report that he now has a ‘dream job’ as a staff writer for HBO’s Ballers. Mendenhall said that he’s had a much easier time getting his pro football stories on screen than he did when he tried writing for Game of Thrones. 

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India held its first ever Transgender Women’s Beauty Pageant. Contestants were judged on talent, interviews, evening gowns and a spelling bee.

Lego announced its biggest set ever, the Ultimate Collectors Series Millennium Falcon. The set has 7,541 pieces, costs $799.99 and will never be opened or assembled by anyone.

  • The set is recommended hobbyists 16 years of age and over who live in their parents’ basement.
  • For kids who think they’re getting $799.99 to buy it, consider your Dad the Death Star.

The average age of Dads in the U.S. has increased to over 30. The increase is driven by a higher number of fathers over 40 who are more skilled at talking women out of the need for condoms.

Sean Spicer finally met the Pope, who took a few minutes to ask him about working with Satan.

The FDA approved a new cancer treatment that reprograms autoimmune cells to fight leukemia. President Trump expressed hope that, once Congress reconvenes, they’ll repeal it.

A young father broadcast his 3 year-old child’s temper tantrum timeout on Facebook Live, titling it ‘When spoiled ass kids get told NO in Walmart‘. The video has been viewed over 21 million times; the toddler’s new show on Disney Channel debuts next month.

Wells Fargo bank has discovered another 1.45 million fake accounts, and held a ceremony to award a savings bond to its 3 millionth fake customer.

The U.S. has expelled Russian diplomats from Washington DC, New York City and San Francisco.  Diplomats in Cleveland and Detroit are asking when it’s their turn.

A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy revealed the secret to female orgasms. “Can we talk about it later?” said husbands watching golf.

  • The study cited clitoral stimulation as the key requirement to orgasm. Women reported different preferences in genital touch; 64% of women preferred an up and down motion, 50% preferred circular motion, and 98% cited their male partner touching the wrong place.

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President Trump is expected to lift an Obama-era ban on the sale of military equipment to local police forces, as Dunkin Donuts scrambles to add tank spaces to its parking lots.

Trump is expected to tour flood-ravaged Houston on Tuesday. He’ll circle the area in an Army helicopter for as long as it takes to find a golf course that’s open.

Amazon has lowered prices at newly-acquired Whole Foods. Whole Foods reports that they’re selling so much organic produce, the Red Cross is collecting donations to feed the fruit flies now starving at Whole Foods locations.

Spanish researchers shared findings that drinking four cups of coffee a day lowers risk of death by 30% in persons 45 and older. Starbucks is now accepting Medicare as payment.

The Food and Drug Administration is said to be cracking down on what they consider to be illegal stem cell clinics. The FDA’s website posted a warning letter it sent to U.S. Stem Cell Clinic in Sunrise Florida, and another letter it sent to Taco Bell for its Stem Cell Gordita Crunch.

Walmart is teaming up with Google to allow users to voice-order products via Google Home, to compete with Amazon’s Alexa. So, in the same way that Amazon users can say “Alexa, please order a bag of potato chips” from Amazon, Google Home users can say “Google, I sure’n would appreciate one of them there bags of pork rinds.” from Walmart.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and wife Priscilla Chan welcomed their second daughter, August. August joins 2 year-old sister Max in a lifetime battle for Likes.

Fitbit introduced a $299 smartwatch, the Ionic, to compete with the Apple Watch. It tracks sleep and activity,  displays heart rate, stores music, and has a battery that lasts four days while it sits on your counter and you skip the gym.

Taylor Swift debuted the first single, ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ from her forthcoming album Reputation. The song gives a co-writing credit to 90s one-hit wonder Right Said Fred — as Gerardo and Lou Bega wait by their respective phones for the big call.

Showtime is being sued for the low quality of its video stream experienced by customers watching the big Mayweather v McGregor fight online. Mayweather prevailed in a fight that lasted 10 rounds despite predictions of a fast finish, but it buffered for at least six more rounds.