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Chevy Chase was uninjured after falling off a stage during an appearance in Buffalo. Chase has also fallen off of consideration for every movie & TV project in Hollywood.

Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott apologized for using the 9/11 terrorists as an example of teamwork in a 2019 meeting with players. He then added that he hates both the terrorists and their New York Jets.

A 6-year-old New Jersey girl is now one of the youngest members of Mensa – although New Jersey Mensa chapters only require members to know which fast food restaurants are at which New Jersey Turnpike rest stop.

Paris Hilton explained why she didn’t change her son’s diapers for the first month after his arrival. She said she’d paid extra to the surrogate who delivered him for a 30-day extended service contract.

Vladimir Putin said he’ll run for President of Russia once again in the 2024 election. Russian tv networks are having trouble setting up debates because they don’t know when other candidates will recover from being poisoned.

Dollar General is cutting back on its use of self-checkouts, saying their regular customers struggle multiplying the number of items in their cart by $1.

National Geographic unveiled their 2023 Pictures Of The Year – and once again none of them are a centerfold.

Former U.S. Representative Tom Suozzi is the Democratic nominee in a Special Election to replace expelled New York congressman George Santos. He’ll take on the GOP nominee, a mysterious cabaret performer & socialite Egroegia Sotnas.

A viral TikTok shows a man boarding a Spirit Airlines flight wearing a parachute. He stowed it, because he’d brought it to go skydiving at his destination. However, no explanation was given why the flight’s pilot & co-pilot also wore parachutes.

Privacy advocates are advising Instagram users to make their accounts private, since public images are being used to train parent company Meta’s A.I. image generator. It may be too late, since the A.I. can now draw every Kardashian woman’s breasts from memory.

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Britney Spears’ father Jamie Spears had his leg amputated – settling half of his lawyer’s fees for keeping Britney’s conservatorship going all those years.

Video game Grand Theft Auto 6 will feature the franchise’s first female protagonist, Lucia. Instead of punching Vice City prostitutes and stealing their money, Lucia tells them they’re fierce and agrees that sex work is real work.

Taylor Swift is Time magazine’s 2023 Person Of The Year.  They promised Beyonce 2024 because the staff wants to live to see 2025.

Gen Z women posting to social media are embracing the trend of ‘Golden Retriever boyfriends’ – loyal, courteous men who make loving companions, but who also can’t help occasionally humping their leg when they’re excited. 

A recent survey finds over one-third of couples undergo “sleep divorce” – sleeping in separate rooms because of snoring, tv watching, or the bed not having enough room for a third person.

Barbie was named to Forbes magazine’s list of the World’s Most Powerful Women – the first woman to make the list who can’t talk or dress herself.

Norman Lear passed away at age 101. Lear’s pioneering sitcoms like ‘All In The Family’, and ‘Sanford & Son‘ elevated the discussion of race relations in America, and paved the way for other producers to create thousands of hours of network TV dogshit.

Dr. Amy Cohen of Narberth, PA was arrested and charged with attempted murder after setting fire to the home of her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s grandmother. It’s now even more difficult to schedule an appointment with her.

Former Congressman George Santos quadrupled his fee for personalized videos on Cameo to $350 following his expulsion. But he’s been ordered to give refunds to people who saw his listing offering videos from Boy George.

Cardi B posted an early New Year’s resolution, saying she plans to drop all “dead weight” in her life. So she unfollowed her husband Offset on Instagram, and made an appointment to have silicone siphoned from her buttocks.

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A longtime Walmart employee used the store loudspeaker to “sign off” on her last day before leaving for a different job. The store manager then grabbed the mic and signed off five of her coworkers for going two minutes long on their cigarette break.

Tiffany Haddish explained after her second DUI that the Tesla she was driving had self-parked, but was still blocking part of the street. Officers then lifted the hood and discovered the car’s battery soaked in vodka.

Meta is being sued for knowingly collecting the personal information of children under age 13 after they signed up for Instagram in violation of age restrictions. The kids were then bombarded with targeted ads for tricycles & lollipops.

Patients suffering with ‘long COVID’ experience structural changes to their brain – according to data collected from the microchip in the vaccines they received.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight opened the over-wing emergency exit and jumped out while the jet was at its departure gate. He thought sitting in the exit row required him to demonstrate what to do in the event of an emergency landing.

Hospitals in China are at full capacity with patients due to a nationwide surge in respiratory viruses. Chinese health officials say the illnesses are from existing viruses, because Wuhan lab workers haven’t finished making the new viruses yet.

A Florida pest control worker was arrested after allegedly exposing himself to two female customers. The customers say the roaches are gone, but now they have a cock problem.

A new iPhone feature allows personal information, photos & videos to be shared when two users tap their phones together. It’s called NameDrop, or, if you swipe a phone to share nudes with a stranger, BallDrop or BoobDrop.

Congressman George Santos faces a vote to expel him from Congress, but during his hearing he produced 50 huge sacks of letters from children saying they still believed in him, in Miracle On Constitution Avenue.

A driver in Malaysia knocked a baby elephant over with his car, causing five adult elephants to stomp on the car in retaliation. The baby elephant got up and walked away, and the driver’s insurance claim has been denied three times by The General.

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Starbucks employees seeking to unionize went on strike for the company’s annual Red Cup Day, a reusable holiday cup giveway. However, they were back on the job for Wrong Name On The Cup Day.

A Texas mom was banned for life from Carnival Cruise lines for attempting to bring CBD sleep-aid gummies on a ship – giving new hope to those people desperate to avoid going on a cruise with their family.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner said of fans wanting to know what he tells his two final Bachelorettes in ‘Fantasy Suites’ – “it’s none of their f#cking business”. Hearing this, some fans said they really just want to know if 71-year-old Gerry is capable of any f#cking business.

Snoop Dogg said he’s giving up smoking weed after much consideration and conversation with his family – who he can actually see again once the smoke clears.

The Vatican is switching to an all-electric fleet of Volkswagen vehicles in an effort to reduce its carbon footprint while driving altar boys to area hotels.

A consumer group released its worst toys of 2023, including CogniToys wifi-enabled dinosaur toy that collects a child’s name, address, birthday, gender & payment information. It’s advertised on TikTok and is known as the Chinasaur.

The same consumer group said it doesn’t recommend virtual reality headsets for younger people, claiming it stunts their development. But try telling that to the kid watching movies on it who’s already learned two dozen different sex positions.

Congressman George Santos faces expulsion after an ethics investigation found he spent campaign funds on Botox, luxury trips, and OnlyFans. He said the OnlyFans was a favor to help Congresswoman Lauren Boebert grow subscribers.

The U.S. Education Department is investigating Lafayette, Columbia, Cornell, Cooper Union, Penn & Wellesley over incidents of antisemitism and Islamaphobia. They said it’s easier than trying to make a dent in racist behavior at community colleges.

Amazon Prime debuted a new Tyler Perry documentary: Maxine’s Baby: The Tyler Perry Story. They’re concerned that his fans may have trouble finding it, so they’re renaming it Tyler Perry’s Maxine’s Baby: The Tyler Perry Story. A Tyler Perry Film.

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Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg discussed a “cage match” battle online after Musk criticized Zuckerberg. It’s unclear if it’ll happen since neither man could trust that anyone would want to open the cage after they’re both locked in.

The USDA cleared lab-grown chicken for sale. Unfortunately, early batches have already been recalled due to contamination with lab-grown bird flu.

United States average reading and math scores dropped to their lowest level in decades, owing to classroom disruptions from the COVID pandemic. Department of Education officials became alarmed when they saw Mississippi’s test averages climb to 49th.

The FTC sued Amazon, saying they duped millions of customers in to signing up for Prime, made it difficult for Prime customers to disconnect, and caused untold pain & suffering to husbands having to watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel with their wives.

None of the 10 Most Liveable Cities in the world – as ranked by the Economist Intelligence Unit – are in the U.S. However, all 10 of the same organization’s Most Dieable Cities are in the U.S., topped by Chicago & Philadelphia.

A hail storm at Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado injured 100 people there to watch a Louis Tomlinson concert, but who ended up seeing The Stones instead.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene called fellow GOP Representative Lauren Boebert “a little bitch” on the House floor. Asked about it, Boebert said “I’m not in middle school” – since she dropped out of the sixth grade.

A new study claims men with longer noses have bigger penises. Cyrano de Bergerac is being rewritten as a one-act play where Roxanne just gets with him right away.

Eroxon, a topical stimulant gel for treatment of erectile dysfuncton, was approved by the FDA. Just open the tube and rub it on the affected area 200 times.

Indicted Congressman George Santos may soon be forced to disclose who posted his $500,000 bail for fraud. Santos has refused, saying that’s a private matter between him and Bruce Wayne.

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In a new Pew Research study, 80% of parents say it’s more important for their kids to start careers and make money than it is to marry and start a family. That’s so the parents can finally collect rent while the kids live at home.

Classified U.S. Government documents were found at the Indiana home of Mike Pence, along with rare back issues of Playgirl magazine.

A Microsoft Cloud outage temporarily denied access to services like Microsoft Teams and Microsoft Outlook. Corporate workers called it “the most productive time I’ve had all year”.

Paris Hilton and husband Carter Reum announced the birth of their first baby. They wouldn’t say if the infant was delivered via surrogate, or if it actually checked out of a Hilton.

A&W Restaurants trolled the M&Ms ‘Spokescandy’ announcement, saying their mascot Rooty the Great Root Bear would wear jeans instead of no pants at all. This surprised Americans who didn’t know that A&W Restaurants still existed.

A passenger gave birth during an Emirates Air flight from Tokyo to Dubai. The baby cried, but then was pleased with the additional leg room.

Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy controversially kicked two Democrats, Adam Schiff and Eric Swalwell, off the House Intelligence Committee. He’s considering appointing George Santos, who recently succeeded Superman as President of the Justice League of America.

Florida woman Lyndsey Kennedy, 43, had to be rescued after getting herself stuck in a storm drain for the third time in two years. Officials were left with no choice but to ban her from ‘It’s A Small World’ at Disney.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott and his girlfriend of two years, Natalie Buffett, broke up. The split was already hard enough, but then Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called a press conference to criticize Prescott’s performance.

A 52-year-old Florida teacher resigned after she shared sexually explicit video calls with her prison-inmate boyfriend during school hours. For his part, the inmate received a certificate for perfect attendance in sessions with the teacher.

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Ticketmaster’s Chief Financial Officer will testify before the U.S. Senate regarding the Taylor Swift ticketing fiasco. He will be required to stand for the duration of his testimony, unless he pays $199 plus fees for premium seating.

Republican Congressman George Santos took to Twitter to criticize the impressions of him by Bowen Yang on Saturday Night Live and Jon Lovitz on The Tonight Show. He particularly criticized Yang, since he wore a size 4 dress and Santos is at least a 14.

Four leaders of the Oath Keepers were found guilty of seditious conspiracy for their role planning the January 6th insurrection. They were also found guilty of lesser charges of underestimating attendance and running out of snacks.

Nominations for the 95th Academy Awards were released. Another year, another Academy Board of Governors Lifetime Achievement Award snub for Jim Varney.

M&Ms suspended the appearance of its talking cartoon Spokescandies in ads, and announced Maya Rudolph as their new Spokesperson. Werther’s Originals introduced their new Spokescandy, a non-verbal dementia patient.

Five years after his murder, a ‘surprise’ single from rapper XXXTentacion was released. As for other music, that single is likely the XXXtent of it.

The Sundance Film Festival debuted ‘Infinity Pool’, an NC-17 movie featuring cloning, orgies, executions and graphic male ejaculation. Audience polling was negative, but most patrons said it still beat having to sit through Aquaman 2.

Oreo Cookies newest offering is The Most Oreo Oreo – an Oreo cookie with bits of Oreo cookie wafers in the creme center. They recommend dunking it in milk that already has Oreos floating in it.

Frontman & founder Brandon Urie announced he’s breaking up his band, Panic! at the Disco now that he & his wife are expecting a baby. He also announced a future project Colic! at the Urie House.

Disney fans are selling water from the Splash Mountain ride at Disney World now that it’s being closed down and are asking $150/bottle. Nobody’s buying, but the Centers for Disease Control are offering to buy bottles of water from Disney resort pools.

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Bill Cosby plans to tour in 2023, thanks to new sexual misconduct lawsuits in 23 different states.

Avatar: The Way of Water topped the $300 million mark in U.S. ticket sales. Thanks to moviegoers who couldn’t get into sold-out showings of Avatar, Brad Pitt/Margot Robbie flop Babylon topped $300.

Disney Theme Parks are reminding guests to show courtesy, following recent viral videos of brawls at Disney Parks. In other news, Mickey, Minnie, Cinderella and Snow White all earned their blue belts in jiu jitsu.

An Australian teen was hospitalized after swallowing a bluebottle jellyfish swimming at Bondi Beach. After removing it, doctors read the message in the bluebottle “Do Not Eat”.

A couple who replaced their toilet found the woman’s engagement ring she’d lost 21 years earlier lodged in it. For the last 21 years, she’s wiped with her right hand.

Kim Kardashian deleted a TikTok video of her two dogs after critics pointed out that they’re kept in her garage. However, her garage is 15,000 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.

A New York prosecutor is investigating Congressman-elect George Santos for lying about his work history, education, Jewish heritage, personal finances, and being born Gladys Sanders.

Economists say the majority of U.S. workers’ salaries will not keep up with inflation. Asked why, the economists confirmed that most people’s jobs really do suck.

A California woman’s Find My iPhone feature was used to locate her after she drove off a highway and plummeted 200 feet. She survived and was taken to a hospital, but unfortunately she didn’t kill all the pigs in the Angry Birds level she was playing before the accident.

Duane Hansen broke the world record by riding 37.5 miles down the Missouri River in a hollowed-out pumpkin. Once he paddled ashore, he emptied the vessel of river water and pumpkin pee.