By |

The Justice Department seized and shut down Backpage.com, charging founders and employees with a range of crimes related to facilitating sex trafficking through the site. Meanwhile, several clueless men who used the defunct classifieds site are left hanging wondering if they’ll ever be able to sell those used golf clubs.

Police departments had successfully been using Backpage as part of sting operations to catch men hiring prostitutes.  A coalition of local police chiefs said that with Backpage gone, they’ll have to try their luck catching ‘johns’ using Angie’s List.

A 12-year-old boy was arrested in Philadelphia for carrying a loaded AR-15 assault rifle. Charges have not yet been announced, although he received a grade of Incomplete for Show & Tell.

A 28-year-old Russian woman died when hospital workers in Ulyanovsk injected her with formaldehyde instead of saline solution after a routine procedure. Also, her Russian HMO refused to pay for it.

It was revealed that the most-visited Black Lives Matter page on Facebook is a fake. “Now I don’t know what to think!” said white people.

A 46-year-old female school nurse in Iowa was placed on administrative leave after having a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old male student. She faces charges of impersonating a math teacher.

The first accuser other than Andrea Constand testified at Bill Cosby’s retrial for sexual assault, while over a dozen others placed their hands on each other’s hips and formed a conga line on their way to the witness stand.

Mark Zuckerberg appeared before a Congressional committee of 44 lawmakers to answer questions about Facebook’s role in Russian election tampering, and failure to protect its users’ data. “You’re 43rd in line for tech support” said the message received by a junior senator at the start of the hearing.

Zuckerberg testified for over three hours, followed by a VIP Meet & Greet with all the GOP Senators, funded by their Super PACs.

The Guinness Book of World Records certified Masazo Nonaka of Ashoro, Japan as the World’s Oldest Living Man, at 112 years, 259 days – a record previously held by some dead guy.

By |

Youngstown, Ohio city employees doing routine checks of manhole covers discovered human body parts. The police lieutenant is withholding comment until he’s able to interview the local CHUDs after their lunch break.

Matt Lauer, ousted from NBC News after sexual harassment allegations, issued an apology, writing “to the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry…and to the ones I didn’t hurt, I am now free on weekday mornings..”

Cabin — a new luxury bus line operating overnight service between Los Angeles and San Francisco — is offering $115 one-way trips featuring lie-flat beds so passengers can sleep on the 7-hour ride. Cabin’s execs say this addresses the number-one complaint of frequent bus passengers, that their ride isn’t creepy enough.

Vice Media fired three employees amid sexual harassment investigations, and announced a name change to Respect & Inclusion Media.

Walmart stopped selling a t-shirt with the caption “Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some Assembly Required” after complaints from customers and sales associates who don’t know what ‘journalist’ means.

A magnitude 4.1 earthquake was recorded near Dover, Delaware. Officials expressed relief that it didn’t happen during one of Dover’s NASCAR races, since the violent shaking would have made thousands of cans of cheap beer highly risky to open.

  • The National Geological Survey said the only remaining east coast state without an earthquake is Florida, since the Earth hasn’t figured out how to make two giant sinkholes rub together.

Tesla has launched the world’s biggest battery in the Australian Outback, and is staffing up security to ward off loitering kangaroos and koalas charging their cell phones.

A British lawmaker, critical of President Trump’s retweets of anti-Muslim videos, quoted fictional Harry Potter wizard Albus Dumbledore in a televised debate. Trump angrily replied that players kneeling during ‘Rule Britannia‘ need to be kicked out of the National Quidditch League.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway will spearhead the Trump Administration’s battle against the opioid crisis, despite having no public health experience at all. Sessions’ budget will fund $12 million toward the effort, money Conway will use for an amnesty program, where addicts seeking to surrender their opioids can trade them for a gun.

GOP Senators continue to work on a Tax Reform bill, with the latest hiccup being attempts by ‘Budget Hawks’ to include measures aimed at slowing the soaring growth of the Federal Deficit. The President struggles to understand why the Senators don’t just pass the bill first and go bankrupt later.

 

 

By |

Walmart is raising prices of many household goods for sale at Walmart.com, so that shoppers will buy them at Walmart stores instead. Consumer advocates are calling the higher online prices “totally worth it to avoid having to go to Walmart.”

The Wall Street Journal reports that Illumination Entertainment – producers of the popular ‘Despicable Me’ & ‘Minions’ movies – are planning an animated Super Mario Brothers movie. Insiders expect the project to be delayed pending the resolution of longstanding sexual harassment & groping allegations against co-star Bowser.

A federal judge struck down a Kentucky requirement for women getting abortions to have an ultrasound beforehand, when lawyers for the state admitted no one in Kentucky knew how to work an ultrasound machine.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified before Congress for 5 1/2 hours, then forgot about it until he saw himself on the news.

Alabama GOP candidate for Senate and alleged child molester Roy Moore said that Mitch McConnell’s days as Senate Majority Leader are “coming to an end….faster than a 14-old-girl running out of a mall on roller skates..”

Apple faces criticism regarding the security of its Face ID security feature, after a 10-year-old boy unlocked his mother’s iPhone X with his face. The Mom also faces scrutiny from her 10-year-old boy for her gallery full of photos of the UPS guy.

The NFL held a groundbreaking ceremony for the now-Oakland Raiders’ new stadium in Las Vegas, and uncovered the bodies of several dozen buried mobsters.

A bar in New Jersey boycotted showing Sunday NFL games in favor of a fundraising event for veterans. $8,000 was collected – $3,000 in donations and $5,000 in fines for bar fights and drunk driving.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced that all House Representatives will be required to complete anti-sexual harassment and anti-discrimination training. “Does that include the White House?” asked President Trump.

  • The anti-harassment and anti-discrimination training comes following decades of fully-attended pro-harassment and pro-discrimination courses taken by Congress.

Mozilla hopes to double the speed of its signature Firefox browser with the introduction of Firefox Quantum – a new browser for people who love porn but lack spare time.

 

By |

A copperhead snake bit a woman three times at a Longhorn Steakhouse in Virginia. The woman was hospitalized for 11 days; the snake saved room for dessert and slithered out with a chocolate lava cake.

Disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison for repeatedly sexting a 15 year old girl. Weiner unsuccessfully pleaded with the judge for probation only, saying he’d straightened himself out and had the pictures to prove it.

GOP Senators made last-ditch revisions to the Graham-Cassidy health care bill, in an effort to appease holdout senators Lisa Murkowski of Alaska and Susan Collins of Maine. The revised bill now extends Medicaid benefits to elderly king crabs and lobsters.

President Trump signed an expansion of his original travel ban, adding 8 more nations, including North Korea. This comes as heartbreaking news to the Showcase Showdown trip winner on ‘The North Korean Price Is Right.’

A far-right Catholic group signed a letter accusing Pope Francis of heresy for, among other things, allowing divorced, remarried Catholics to accept Holy Communion.  His Holiness replied that he preaches forgiveness, and that he likes to see divorcees dressed up with their tongues sticking out.

Following hurricane devastation that left Puerto Rico almost fully off the grid, meteorologists and mayors on the East Coast of the U.S. are meeting to ask ‘How do we solve a problem like Maria?’.

French chef Sebastian Bras, whose restaurant Le Suquet has held Michelin’s highest three-star rating for a decade, asked Michelin to remove his stars so he won’t feel so much pressure. Michelin is expected to comply, having recently honored the request of a chef at Cracker Barrel to stop rating him.

Miss Turkey Itir Eisen was stripped of her title, after a controversial tweet where she said her period had begun, representing the blood of martyrs who had died in a coup to overthrow the government last year. Pageant runner-up, Asli Sumen, assumed the crown and tweeted “what’s a period?” since she’s 7.

North Korea released a 99-second propaganda video featuring crude computer simulations of U.S. warplanes and aircraft carriers exploding from North Korean attacks. The video concluded with ‘Directed by Michael Bay’.

Target stores raised their minimum wage to $11 an hour, and committed to paying $15 an hour in 2020. Reached for comment, a $9 an hour WalMart employee said that while he’s tempted, he won’t give up on a 30-year WalMart career.

 

By |

Frontier Airlines announced plans to double in size. The low-cost carrier will service dozens of new cities, and add hundreds of new jobs losing baggage.

Donald Trump met with GOP Senators, urging them not to recess until they’d solved health care. Trump added “inaction is not an option” – which came as news not just to GOP Senators, but to every Congressperson, ever.

  • One Senator, hearing the President say “not to leave town” and “inaction is an option” quickly drafted a bill proposing a Monument to Irony.

A doctor in the U.K. examining a woman for cataracts instead found 27 contact lenses under her eyelid. The woman was able to save a lot of money on unnecessary cataract surgery and contact lens solution.

  • Her eyeball was found in a contact lens case on the woman’s nightstand.

‘Despacito’ broke the record for most-streamed song ever, with 4.6 billion streams, and 8.6 billion skips.

Robbers stole two blocks of award-winning vintage cheddar cheese from a farm show in southern England. The robbers are still at large, and Scotland Yard has beefed up security at area cracker factories.

WalMart is deploying a facial recognition system to detect unhappy shoppers in its stores. The system overloaded and crashed within a minute of launch.

  • Asked how it works, a WalMart developer said “it just takes everyone’s picture.”

Frances Gabe of Portland, OR, inventor of the world’s only self-cleaning house, died at age 101. Her house immediately quit.

Muppet Studios has finally spoken about the reasons given for firing Steve Whitmire, longtime voice of Kermit the Frog, saying that Whitmire displayed “unacceptable business conduct.” Whitmire called the firing a “betrayal”, and cited decades of verbal abuse by a blond pig.

Samsung launched its Bixby voice assistant to compete with Siri, Cortana & Google Voice. Samsung says that Bixby is good at responding to normal tasks, such as “Bixby read my texts..Bixby turn up the volume..Bixby call the fire department.”

Rosie O’Donnell angered conservatives by tweeting a game where you can make President Trump jump off a cliff. The developer promised an update where you can make Trump and Rosie jump while holding hands.

The U.S.’ second-highest ranking general has warned about threats to U.S. interests from rogue killer robots, many of which already have jobs at Amazon.

A new study indicates that Americans are having less sex than in the 90s – possibly because they’re 20 years older and not as hot looking.

Disney’s live action adaptation of Aladdin faces criticism for not hiring an Arab actress to play Jasmine. Disney replied, saying all of the Arab actresses are stuck at the airport.

By |

Bridal gown retailer Alfred Angelo suddenly declared bankruptcy, leaving over 7,500 brides who had bought their dresses angry, and 7,500 grooms faking being just as angry.

The 8th person at the infamous Donald Trump Jr. meeting with Russians at Trump Tower has been identified. He is ‘The Guy Who Reserved The Conference Room They’re In, Asking If They’re Almost Done Or If He Should Just Use A Different Room.’

The GOP Better Care Act appears to be doomed, as more Republican Senators pull their support. An angry President Trump said that Congress should Let Obamacare Die — which, coincidentally, is the name selected for the GOP’s 3rd Version of a health care bill.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller told the Senate Judiciary Committee that they could call Donald Trump Jr and Paul Manafort to testify publicly about their interactions with the Russians. Committee Democrats were not available for comment, at least until they returned from a trip to Home Depot to buy pitchforks and torches.

A team of teenage Afghan women – initially barred from entering the U.S. – arrived to compete in the first Global Robotics Challenge in Washington D.C. Their robot is capable of gathering and sorting balls by color. No plans for a trip to The White House, since the robot would be incapable of finding any balls to sort.

Chipotle stock dropped 6% as reports surfaced of norovirus at a restaurant in Virginia. The restaurant closed temporarily to be completely sanitized. Customers who insisted on eating tainted food anyway were directed to nearby Arby’s and Taco Bell locations.

A retired Nevada corrections officer described the prison housing OJ Simpson as “a cruise ship with barbed wire.” In other words, a Carnival Cruise ship.

WalMart apologized for racist language on its website. The color of a cap for sale there was listed as “ni**er brown”. The listing for the cap was pulled entirely, even though “ni**er brown was outselling “cracker white” by ten-to-one.

Embark Veterinary, a canine genetics testing startup, has raised $4.5 million. It’s one of the first of its kind to offer genetics reports for dogs, similar to those offered for humans like Ancestry.com or 23andMe. The purpose is for dog owners to better understand the health needs of their pets, and for dogs to have boring conversations just like Ancestry.com customers do.

  • The founders considered offering similar reports for cats, before concluding that nobody cared.

Harley Davidson execs gave a disappointing sales forecast for the year, while saying they planned to lay off 5,400 employees. Those laid off workers will be given outplacement and discounts on choppers they can ride until they find themselves, mannnnnn…

  • Execs blamed the sales decline on lower volumes of middle managers who dream of being in Hells Angels.

Pizza Hut announced it’s hiring 14,000 new drivers. 13,000 to deliver pizzas, and 1,000 to drive customers to the emergency room.

The bodies of a Swiss couple who disappeared 75 years ago were found at the edge of a melting glacier. The couple, Marcelin and Francine Doumoulin, went to milk cows in a meadow and never returned. Their bodies were found in excellent condition, but unfortunately, the milk was sour.

Fox News host Sean Hannity slammed Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, saying he is “so anti-Trump”…the first case of the Fair Pot calling the Balanced Kettle black.

A new study states that Millennials are more willing to use credit to buy experiences, as opposed to incurring debt for material things. Among the experiences millennials cited are travel, learning new skills, and bankruptcy court.

 

By |

An 18 year-old competitor in the Wimbledon Junior Men’s Draw was ordered by tournament officials to change his underwear before a match, to comply with the All England Club’s ‘all-white’ apparel rules. The player complied, and swore off eating Taco Bell.

A security breach resulted in 6 million Verizon customers’ personal data being leaked online. The customers’ identities can now be stolen with 99% reliability.

NASA’s Juno mission has returned images and other data from Jupiter, with NASA scientists claiming Jupiter is nothing like they expected it to be.  Jupiter plans to update its Tinder profile.

Earlier this week an Evangelical group met with President Trump in the Oval Office. The members prayed with him, with some ‘laying hands’ on Trump, at least until the burning sensation overcame them and forced them to pull their hands away.

President Trump visited France at the invitation of newly-elected French President Macron. Along with their wives, they toured Napoleon’s Tomb. Trump said of the visit that Napoleon is both a “high quality person” and “one of his favorite ice creams.”

GOP Senators unveiled their newest draft health care bill on Thursday. Analysts say the bill features low-cost plans at bare-bones prices, while critics say the plans aren’t even health insurance, they’re just memberships to Planet Fitness.

TIME magazine provided a sneak peek at its upcoming cover, featuring Donald Trump Jr with red hands. TIME famously put President Trump on its cover as Person of the Year; Trump Jr may end up being Person Sentenced to Several Years.

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley sent a letter to Donald Trump Jr asking that he testify before the Senate Judiciary committee about his meeting with a Russian lawyer. Grassley said he would have emailed, but that he didn’t want, like, the whole world to see it.

A ‘Kid Rock for Senate’ website has emerged, leading to speculation that Kid Rock will run for a Senate seat in his home state of Michigan. Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent swiftly volunteered to join the ticket as Vice Senators, before being told there is no such thing.

Thursday is National French Fry Day — which is like Prime Day, only for heart disease.

The left tackle on Kansas State’s football team has come out as gay. He described the response to his announcement as overwhelming love and support – despite coming from the blind side.

 

By |

A fugitive from a South Carolina prison used wire cutters dropped from a drone as part of his escape plan. He was captured in Texas, but prison officials are now banning inmates from joining Amazon Prime.

The World Health Organization issued a warning regarding a new antibiotic-resistant strain of Gonorrhea, dealing yet another blow to the already-reeling tourism business of Atlantic City, NJ.

Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump met at the G20 Summit in Hamburg. The meeting was scheduled for 45 minutes but lasted over two hours — the extra time was used for Putin to edit and approve Trump’s tweets.

  •  At one point, Melania Trump entered the meeting in an attempt to end it. The President told her she’d just have to go see the Spider Man movie without him.

Vice President Mike Pence was photographed touching equipment at the NASA Kennedy Space Center clearly marked with at DO NOT TOUCH sign. He was embarrassed, and also worried that he may have been touching a female rocket.

A Kenyan marathoner attending college in Maine said that he had to escape two black bears he encountered during a training run. The bears pursued him, but eventually gave up after getting shin splints.

Activists are planning sit-ins to protest the GOP Health Care Bill, which they feel will prevent them from two-hour sit-ins in the waiting room of their doctor.

Workers at Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello believe they’re unearthed slave living quarters once occupied by Sally Hemmings. They found walls, a fireplace, and notes on the bed signed by Tommy Baby.

Sears & KMart announced they’re closing over 40 more stores, part of their “Going Out Of Business Any Day Now” Sale.

By |

Licensed Nevada prostitutes have formed Hookers for Healthcare to protest GOP plans to repeal Obamacare. The prostitutes are worried about losing their healthcare, and about losing customers who pay them with Obamacare for outpatient treatment.

  • When hearing about the group, GOP Senators invited them to D.C. for a closed door meeting with the President.

Eminem’s Instagram followers expressed confusion and dislike at the artist’s new beard. Like his rap, the beard is not quite black.

The average FICO credit score for U.S. residents hit 700, or ‘Good’ for the first time. “Fake news” said the President, whose score hovers around 400.

MIT and Harvard researchers have developed tattoos that change color based on wearer’s glucose, pH & sodium levels. There are no plans to release the ink to the general public, at least not until there are more diabetic biker gangs.

Google’s Boston labs have built a 6′ 6″ wheeled humanoid robot that can jump, spin and lift weights. But for right now it wants to chill until basketball practice.

ABC ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ has resumed production after resolving allegations of sexual misconduct, but with stricter rules for contestants. Alcoholic drinks are limited to 2 per hour, and producers must pre-approve sex between participants. ABC is changing the name of the show to Bachelors Like, Totally Bail On Paradise.

Nike confirmed plans to open an Amazon shop for customers who like typing longer URLs.

Halle Berry – the first black woman named Best Actress – said her Oscar means “nothing”. She said this during a screening of Catwoman.

The Wilshire Grand Center, at 1100 feet, is the new Tallest Building in Los Angeles. It boasts the city’s highest open air bar, a viewing deck, and takes 2 hours to get to from anywhere in Los Angeles.

Greta Van Susteren is leaving MSNBC just six months after joining the network from Fox News, saying she wasn’t sexually harassed enough.

Argentinian Soccer Superstar Lionel Messi is engaged to marry his childhood sweetheart. Groupies are heartbroken but remain committed to a Messi breakup.