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A large hole blew open in the passenger cabin of an Alaska Airlines jet mid-flight, sucking off the shirt of a boy seated nearby. It’s the first time a boy’s clothing has been sucked off in-flight since the Vatican’s annual Altar Boys Trip to Greece.

Following the incident, Alaska Airlines grounded its fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines emailed to ask if they were selling them and for how much.

A woman was found dead in South Philadelphia, impaled on an iron gate outside the Xfinity Live! sports bar. Her friends reportedly asked her to go with them to a different bar, but she was on the fence.

Following the firing of Head Coach Ron Rivera, Washington Commanders owner Josh Jacobs assembled an advisory group to guide team decisions, including Magic Johnson. Johnson told Jacobs to sign six kickers so they can make more 3-pointers.

Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin failed to notify the White House when he was hospitalized in intensive care on December 22nd. Austin apologized, but said with wars in Ukraine and Gaza, he didn’t want to drop another bomb on Joe Biden so close to Christmas.

Low-carb diets may not lead to weight loss, according to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association and funded by The Grimace Institute.

After two days, rescuers successfully reached tourists & guides stuck in Slovenia’s Krizna Jama cave – which dropped 30 spots on Trip Advisor’s list of ‘Fun Things To Do In Slovenia’.

A group of dietitians released a list of the best foods to eat if you want healthy hair. Topping the list was the Chipotle Burrito Bowl, which contained the highest amount of healthy hair.

Pro-Palestinian protetors blocked traffic at three New York City bridges and the Holland Tunnel – to the delight of drivers getting extra time to text and scroll Instagram.

A Las Vegas felon – who went viral for diving over a judge’s bench & attacking her -will appear before her again. Added precautions are in place; the man will be handcuffed, and the trampoline in front of the bench will be removed.

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The Wall Street Journal reports that New York sent recovering COVID-19 patients to nursing homes, sickening elderly residents and angering others that newbies were winning the weekly bingo games.

An Australian woman shared her cleaning hack, placing a dishwasher detergent tablet in a sponge to clean her glass shower door. The door is spotless, but she suffered lacerations after tripping on a pile of plates she took into the shower with her.

Good Housekeeping issued their list of the 8 Top Outdoor Security Cameras, which they tested by gauging how effective they were catching the neighbor’s dog taking a dump in your yard.

McDonald’s released their plans for reopening restaurants. To limit the spread of virus, teenagers will be encouraged to throw their plastic trays in the garbage.

McDonald’s will also offer new COVID-19 Happy Meals – the toy is a face mask or a bottle of hand sanitizer.

Browser extension Scener lets you create watch parties so you can stream Netflix or HBO Go content alongside a Zoom-type videoconference meeting. It’s for people living in isolation who don’t have a spouse or partner to yell “shut up” at while they watch tv.

Iggy Azalea returned to Instagram, as the platform detected a steep rise in unintelligible gibberish.

Walmart just launched a new line of backpacking gear – after noticing how many homeless people don’t have backpacks.

Chick-fil-A is now the second-highest-grossing restaurant chain in the U.S., trailing only McDonald’s. They’re so flush with cash, executives are considering a huge offer to land free agent mascot, Grimace.

Cuba Gooding Jr serenaded Los Angeles nurses to thank them for their work during the COVID-19 pandemic, leaving some nurses wondering who he was, and others wondering why they couldn’t get someone more famous to sing for them.

 

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One of Donald Trump’s personal valets tested positive for coronavirus; the diagnosis was a byproduct of weekly testing that all Trump valets undergo for STDs and pregnancy.

Kevin Spacey compared his downfall to people losing jobs during the pandemic. Both Spacey and hourly laborers lost work because of something attacking young men.

Brett Favre is repaying Mississippi $1.1 million in welfare money he received for speeches he never gave and personal appearances he didn’t attend. Now, Mississippi just needs to find a resident who can count to 1.1 million.

The Supreme Court overturned the convictions of two aides to then-New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for manipulating George Washington Bridge traffic to create jams. Christie called the ruling a lot of baloney, then ate it.

An Oklahoma City woman opened fire on a McDonald’s after being told she couldn’t enter the closed dining area because of coronavirus restrictions. Three employees were hit, and will receive Purple Grimace Hearts.

A Florida lizard broke a record by defecating 80 percent of its body weight at once. The lizard was so full of shit, it was given a job as White House Press Secretary.

A new study found coronavirus in semen. “NO, that’s NOT how I got it” say women with COVID-19 talking to their Moms.

Queen guitarist Brian May says he tore his buttocks while gardening – as opposed to Queen’s late vocalist Freddie Mercury, who tore his buttocks routinely while touring.

A new Comcast study claims customers are watching eight more hours of TV a day while in pandemic isolation. They plan to use the data as justification for charging people twice as much.

Fast food restaurants report steep declines in breakfast sales while customers isolate and sleep later during the pandemic.  The CDC sent a thank-you letter to Arby’s CEO for making fewer people sick, since ERs are already swamped.

 

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As he continues to lobby to be traded, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Jalen Ramsey skipped practice Monday, saying he’s sick and might have the flu. Then he was totally embarrassed when he ran into Jaguars Head Coach Doug Marrone in the lobby of the cinema showing Downton Abbey.

Melania Trump rang the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange on Monday. “Meddy Chreezmuss!” shouted Mrs. Stable Genius.

Viral video shows two bears fighting in the middle of a highway in British Columbia. The video was captured by the Grubhub driver delivering the salmon they were fighting over.

A McDonald’s in Sacramento is playing an unpleasant noise over an outdoor speaker to aggravate loiterers and homeless people so they’ll leave. Asked what the noise is, a McDonald’s manager said “it’s two Grimaces mating.”

An arrest warrant for sexual battery was issued for actor/comedian Andy Dick, according the LAPD’s Andy Dick Division, created to keep up with the frequency of his crimes.

Blac Chyna went on a dinner date with an unidentified new boyfriend, who put her toes in his mouth at their table. The waiter finally dropped off some bread to get him to stop.

Congress formed a group to combat youth vaping – meaning vaping will end up being bigger than ever.

Embattled NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown, released by the New England Patriots, reenrolled in classes at Central Michigan University where he played college football. Brown is glad to be on a college campus, where no one worries about sexual assault.

The annual Primetime Emmy Awards took place Sunday night, as confused American tv viewers asked themselves “are netflixes and hulus and primes tv? or is they movies?”

Motown released 60 unheard tracks from their vault. Some of them were songs from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and others; most of them were Joe Jackson abusing his kids to get them to work harder.

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Researchers developed a virtual reality video game, Sea Hero Quest, that they claim detects Alzheimer’s disease. In the game, players navigate a virtual boat. Those with early-stage Alzheimer’s do a poor job navigating the boat to checkpoints. Those with really bad Alzheimer’s drown.

Amazon is upgrading Amazon Prime from free two-day shipping to free one-day shipping, so customers can have packages stolen in half the time.

The U.S. Navy fired Rear Admiral John Ring, Commander of Guantanamo Bay prison, for “loss of confidence in his ability to command”. Ring accepted the decision, but said he’s going to continue looking for those missing cell keys.

The National Rifle Association is in a power struggle, with longtime executive Wayne LaPierre accusing outgoing President Oliver North of trying to get him fired. Members don’t understand why the two can’t just settle their differences with guns.

Burger King plans to roll out the meatless Impossible Whopper to all of its U.S. restaurants after a successful test run. Diners said they wanted an option that allowed them to take a break from meat, without resorting to eating at Arby’s.

Fishermen off Norway’s coast spotted a beluga whale wearing a harness equipped with mounts for GoPro cameras. They think the whale may have been trained by Russians, based on markings on the harness, and seeing Russian sailors’ heads peeking out of the whale’s blowhole.

According to a CNN tracker, President Donald Trump surpassed 10,000 lies told while in office – clearing the bar Friday when telling birthday girl Melania “you look prettier than the day I met you.”

Lee Stowell, a 54-year-old woman and former securities salesperson at Cantor Fitzgerald, is suing the firm and her coworkers for harassment, including putting feces in her Bernie Sanders coffee mug. The firm denies the allegations, and said they just have really lousy coffee.

A 44-year-old Baltimore woman received the first-ever transplanted kidney delivered by aerial drone to her hospital. Five other recipients are still waiting while their donor organs are retrieved from drones stuck in trees and on roofs.

Canadian users of the McDonald’s app allege they’re being hacked and being applied fradulent charges for food they never ordered. McDonald’s said they believe their app is secure, and that users should change their password to something other than Grimace.

 

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Harley Davidson said that they’re introducing an electric motorcycle, the Livewire, in 2019. Early reviews from women straddling it say they’re not impressed.

The Food & Drug Administration is cautioning women about the safety and efficacy of so-called “vaginal rejuvenation” treatments. The FDA said they have not approved the treatments, especially those being offered as fundraisers for high school football teams.

An eight-year-old at a McDonald’s in West Virginia reportedly pricked her finger on a needle she picked up in the restaurant’s playground area.  McDonald’s announced at a news conference that Grimace had checked himself into a Charleston area rehab.

Salads & wraps sold at Kroger, Trader Joe’s and Walgreens are being recalled for possible contamination with parasites. People who purchased food at Walgreens are asked to discard the products or return them for a refund — and to take a long, hard look at the reasons they’re buying meals at a drug store.

Franklin, the first black ‘Peanuts’ character, turned 50 on Tuesday. Franklin said the death of cartoonist Charles Schulz left him with little hope that he’ll meet a black female Peanuts character.

Facebook confirmed the discovery of new “inauthentic” social media campaigns ahead of the midterm elections. They said they took them down because the Russians behind the campaigns wouldn’t pay extra to “boost” their posts.

Former Fox Network “Hell’s Kitchen” contestant Jessica Vogel passed away at age 34, and will audition to appear on “Heaven’s Kitchen”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that some parents are paying tutors $20/hour to help their children improve at popular video game Fortnite. One Washington, D.C. tutor reports earning $160/day tutoring a boy named Barron.

A McDonald’s in Canada mistakenly served a pregnant woman a cup of cleaning fluid instead of the latte she ordered.  A spokeswoman for McDonald’s said they didn’t want the pregnant woman ingesting so much caffeine.

66-year-old David Hasselhoff married 38-year-old model Hayley Roberts in Italy.  The couple were married by Hasselhoff’s longtime friend Kitt, who escorted the couple to their reception, got carried away and drove into a telephone pole.

 

 

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Six people were arrested in Japan for attempting to avoid paying customs taxes by smuggling gold bars in to the country in an airplane toilet. They were arrested as customs officials heard them arguing over who was going to rinse the gold off.

Researchers have discovered the fossil of a 100 million-year-old spider with fangs and a scorpion’s tail. They’re unclear whether it spun webs, or just scared some other spider into doing the work.

A North Carolina father and his biological daughter have been charged with incest after they married and gave birth to a baby boy. The couple face up to 10 years in prison; the baby faces a lifetime of confusion deciding whether to call his mother “Sis” or his father “Grandpa”.

A married Florida couple were charged with child neglect for watching the Super Bowl in a bar while they left their 2-year-old outside in a parked truck — or, as it’s known in Florida, a mobile day care center.

Aaron Traywick, a biohacker attending the BDYHAX convention in Austin, Texas, injected himself with a DIY herpes treatment while on Facebook Live. Traywick claims to have invented a cure for herpes. He won’t say if his vaccine will be available for sale, but as of now, every woman he’s tried to have sex with isn’t buying it.

Apple said that it’s investigating a possible glitch preventing some iPhone X users from answering calls. “Answering what?” said large numbers of iPhone X owners.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed the first state-level net neutrality regulation, saying Internet service providers that do business with the state cannot disrupt New Jerseyans Internet traffic – comprised of tomato sauce recipes, beach traffic reports and GED coursework.

PepsiCo CEO Indira Nooyi said that the company is working on snacks ‘for women’. Nooyi cites company research saying that residue on fingers and the loud crunching noise are two things women dislike in snack chips, and also sex.

Researchers at Yokohama University say that a chemical contained in McDonald’s fries holds the cure for baldness. Opinions are split on the research – with Donald Trump supporting it, while those saying it doesn’t work include Grimace.

White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway has assembled her ‘Opioid Cabinet’ – so named because most everyone on it wants to know how they can overdose and get off of it.

New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski’s house was robbed while he was in Minneapolis for the Super Bowl. Quarterback Tom Brady offered his help, but Foxborough detectives said their job is catching thieves, not dropping them.