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A Brooklyn, NY woman started a business called ‘Happy Dead Rats’ where she offers to kill 3 rats for $15 cash, or 5 rats for $25.  No word on how well the business is doing, but NYC Police arrested a rat for offering $15 to have his wife and two girlfriends killed.

Holiday sales rose 4.9% in 2017, as indicated by a surge in $26.22 gift cards instead of the usual $25.

President Trump and his family spent the Christmas holiday at Mar-A-Lago, where every Christmas – and practically every member – is a white one.

Apple stock dropped 4% on Tuesday as investment analysts feared that the excitement may be over for iPhone X, as sales slow and the phone’s Face ID captures a lot of boredom and sadness.

In a CNN interview touting her new partnership with QVC, Martha Stewart said that “work/life balance didn’t work for me”, adding that she’s now more comfortable with work/rage balance.

The NFL will not have a Sunday Night Football game on New Year’s Eve, allowing gambling addicts to get a 4-hour headstart on their sure-to-fail New Year’s Resolution.

Movie theater chains are advising patrons that a pivotal scene in ‘The Last Jedi’ where the audio goes completely silent is intentional. Most moviegoers were unfazed since they could still hear plenty of texting and women explaining the plot to their husbands.

Two 70-plus men living in Hawaii, who have been friends for over 60 years, found out that they’re actually brothers. They hugged and updated their phones with a recurring play date.

A Florida man was arrested for attacking a Wells Fargo ATM, causing $5,000 in damages, for giving him too much money. Wells Fargo explained that the ATM gave him the money he requested, plus the balances from 6 phony accounts they’d opened in his name.

Jennifer Lawrence paid a Christmas Eve visit to a children’s hospital in her hometown of Louisville, Kentucky, taking time out of her busy schedule to bitch at sick children over how her privacy is always being violated.

 

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A Texas woman, accused of sending explosives to Barack Obama and Texas Governor Greg Abbott, was apprehended by federal authorities. Investigators matched a cat hair found under the shipping label on one of the packages to the woman’s cat – who has entered the Witness Protection Program at an undisclosed retirement community.

Researchers at Penn State University write that the common housefly is more disgusting than originally thought, acting as an “airborne shuttle for disease”. Penn State was immediately sued by American Airlines, who trademarked the phrase “airborne shuttle for disease.”

Boulder, Colorado was named the Happiest City in America. Respondents cited the wide availability of recreational marijuana and…that’s about it.

A hunter in Sherman, New York shot and killed a woman after mistaking her for a deer. “That’s no dear, that was my wife!” said her cut-up widowed husband.

Four pit bulls attacked a man behind a Philadelphia home on Thanksgiving night, and the man died later at a hospital. However, local news reported that the dog bites were not the cause of death, leading to speculation that the man had complained to the dogs about illness from the Thanksgiving dinner they made for him.

Arizona State University rescinded a journalistic excellence award it presented to Charlie Rose in 2015. However, since Rose walked naked in front of women and repeatedly made lewd overtures to them, he’s been named the Honorary Chairman of every Arizona State fraternity.

Macy’s credit card processors stopped working for an extended period on Black Friday. “Credit card processors” are what Macy’s calls the angry men & women working the checkout.

President Trump tweeted that he was approached by Time Magazine to be their 2017 Person of the Year, but that he turned it down because it would require a lengthy interview and photo shoot. Time writers & photographers are reportedly bummed out because now they have to go all the way to North Korea.

A Dartmouth University study reveals that people who shop at warehouse clubs like Costco, Sam’s and BJ’s eat 11% more fat and 5% more sugar than those who don’t shop at clubs. Club members were shocked by the information and assumed they were getting at least 20% more fat and 10% more sugar by buying in bulk.

Apple is facing new accusations that its iPhone X is being manufactured by Chinese high school students who work 11-hour days to meet a mandatory “work experience” requirement to graduate. Apple CEO Tim Cook, speaking at a high school graduation, told students “this isn’t the end of your iPhone X assembly career, it’s the beginning of your iPad assembly career.”

A burned body was found on top of a SEPTA Regional Rail car in downtown Philadelphia. Riders of the train reported that it still smelled better than most of the passengers.

 

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A French man was kicked off of a Costa Cruises ship after staging what cruise officials called a ‘mutiny’ – leading dozens of passengers in angry protests over cancelled stops in Madagascar and Mauritius. The story was reported by The Telegraph, who spoke exclusively to a talking parrot wearing a tri-corner hat who lives on the man’s shoulder.

  • Costa Cruises cancelled the stop in Madagascar due a bubonic plague outbreak. Carnival Cruises continued service there, saying it couldn’t be worse than their house-brand norovirus on board.

Researchers from Cambridge University concluded that sheep can recognize human faces, according to their study that followed the activity of several hundred lambs on FarmersOnly.com.

Schools, libraries and other public buildings are ramping up ‘Active Shooter Training Classes’ to teach people how to react in the event of a shooting. The classes are incredibly popular, except for students who interrupt the simulation to ask “is this going to be on the final?”

Independent science research group Berkeley Earth said that Delhi, India’s pollution is so bad, breathing the air there is the equivalent of smoking 44 cigarettes in a day – making Delhi the hot new vacation destination for frugal residents of the Philadelphia suburbs.

Actress Portia de Rossi detailed her alleged sexual harassment by film star Steven Seagal. de Rossi said that when she met with Seagal, he unzipped his leather pants. Seagal refuted her account, saying he only wears button-fly leather pants.

Comedian/director Louis C.K.’s film ‘I Love You Daddy’ will no longer be released after The New York Times published numerous allegations that Louis C.K. masturbated in front of female comedians. Also cancelled, the film’s sequel ‘I Don’t Love You Like That Daddy’.

Alabama Republican Roy Moore will remain on the ballot for the state’s special Senate election, despite claims from several women that they had sexual contact with Moore when they were in their teens and Moore was in his 30s.  Moore’s campaign also cancelled the release of a long-form election ad ‘I Love You Uncle Roy.’

Apple has promised a software fix to a confirmed iPhone X issue where the screen freezes in very cold temperatures. The bug was reported by penguins, who also complained that any one of their friends could access their phones via facial recognition.

The California chapter of the NAACP passed several resolutions at its state conference, including one to remove The Star Spangled Banner as national anthem. No replacement song was named, although members are rumored to be split between ‘You Don’t Have to be a Star (To Be In My Show) and ‘X Gon’ Give It To Ya’.

Tinder reported a 19% increase in year-over-year revenue thanks to Tinder Gold, its premium service. Male subscribers consider Tinder Gold, at $9.99/month, a real bargain, since many say they’re used to paying up to five times that much to have sex with a woman they don’t know.

 

 

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New website OMGYes uses videos to teach people how to give women sexual pleasure. In one video, users manipulate digitally-rendered female genitalia via touchscreen. If you do everything right, the video ends with a sigh, if not, you’re urged to take a break. OMGYes says that most men have learned a lot, though others have broken up with their iPad, and still others have caught viruses from licking the screen.

  • Founders of OMGYes say that it’s one of the stickiest sites on the Web.

Twitter is doubling the character limit to 280 per tweet for most users – presumably, so they can write out all those thoughts and prayers in their entirety.

A study in the Journal of the Endocrine Society concludes drinking just two cups of soda per week increases visceral fat that surrounds the organs; and that drinking Mountain Dew makes the fat dumber.

Social media is overrun with stories of new iPhone X owners dropping their phone and  shattering the glass. Unless you have a paid Applecare warranty, the fix costs $549. Apple defends the fee, saying it doesn’t just cover the glass repair, it feeds the child doing the work for six months.

Sportscaster Bob Costas told a panel at the University of Maryland that football “destroys people’s brains.” Costas made the remarks in response to being asked if he’d ever attended a Buffalo Bills game.

Australia’s Office of the eSafety Commissioner is joining with Facebook to test a program to eliminate revenge porn – that asks participants to send inappropriate images to themselves using Facebook Messenger. Users are asked only to send pictures of their nude body parts, without the customary G’day Mate! appended to it.

A Harvard orthopedist has concluded that ligament tears are followed by the onset of arthritis in greater than 50 percent of occurrences. His data followed a group of 15-year-olds who tore knee ligaments playing soccer, and then owned multiple cardigan sweaters and drank only tea at age 25.

Winona Ryder told People magazine that she was bullied in junior high for wearing boys’ clothes. The bully replied that he didn’t care she was wearing boys’ clothes, but that she’d stolen the clothes from him.

Randa, the oldest Indian rhinoceros in residence at the Los Angeles Zoo, died at age 48. The zoo recounted her incredible life, including a 2009 bout with cancer that forced the removal of her horn, and her courageous decision not to replace it with an implant.

A Florida woman was arrested for using a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon to assault the bouncer at a club she’d been forced to leave. The bouncer was uninjured, since the pack contained 12-ounce cans, not pounders. [H/T to E. Todd]

 

 

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Valeant Pharmaceuticals, which acquired ‘female Viagra’ drug Addyi for $1 Billion, is giving up on the drug and returning its rights to the original owner, Sprout Pharmaceutical. It’s believed to be the first time that a ton of money was spent getting women in the mood for sex and it didn’t work.

Students at George Mason University claim to have invented a fire extinguisher that puts out fires using nothing but sound waves. Unfortunately, the sound is generated from people screaming that they’re on fire.

Britain’s National Health is trialing a service that lets residents see a doctor by video call within two hours. Early results are mostly positive, though some users dislike sitting on the kitchen table in their underwear for two hours.

McDonald’s is reintroducing its Dollar Menu in early 2018, with menu items ranging from $1 for a double cheeseburger, to $3 for a cashier running down the street to get you something from Panera.

Israel Institute of Technology’s Technion Institute has created an ‘Electric nose’ that can detect at least seventeen serious illnesses by scent – ranging from Parkinson’s Disease and Multiple Sclerosis, to the pepperoni roll at Sbarro.

Obamacare signups during the current open enrollment period broke records. There haven’t been this many people buying an overpriced product that’s guaranteed to break since the iPhone X.

Google is introducing a feature that gives you the average wait time at over 1 million restaurants. The feature uses a complex algorithm to assess historical trends for most restaurants, and a static image that says No Wait for searches of Arby’s.

Venture capitalist and Digg founder Kevin Rose launched a free meditation app named Oak. It offers a range of guidance, from simple breathing exercises, to longer guided meditations, and automatic social media updates to tell everyone you’re meditating.

Tesla founder Elon Musk said on the company’s earnings call that all Tesla vehicles had the necessary hardware for full autonomous driving – now that each is fitted with a robotic hand that flips off drivers who cut off the self-driving cars.

The White House has requested $4 Billion for missile defense against North Korea. $1 Billion for counterstrike missiles, and $3 Billion for a Trump International Hotel/Silo on the South Korea border.

 

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Kevin Spacey, co-star of the summer smash film Baby Driver, has not been offered a role in the sequel, Teen Driver.

Giant 24-inch footprints of a 200-million-year-old carnivorous dinosaur have been discovered in Southern Africa. No fossils have been found, but archaeologists know the creature is really old because the footprints have a ‘Skechers’ logo in them.

Selena Gomez broke up with her boyfriend of 10 months, telling close friends she was taking The Weekend off.

A 27 year old Japanese man has been arrested after Tokyo police found as many as nine bodies in coolers in his apartment. He was taken into custody and stripped of his sushi license.

The 10-year-old daughter of an Apple engineer claims her father was fired because she released a YouTube video showing off the iPhone X prior to its formal release.  The video is generally positive, but opens with several minutes of the phone failing to recognize her face and asking for hints.

Actress Ariane Bellamar has accused Jeremy Piven of sexual assault on the set of ‘Entourage‘, surprising Hollywood insiders who felt that the biggest crime involving Entourage was making it into a movie.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said that the Civil War was caused by a “lack of ability to compromise” and, based on his knowledge of history, Union soldiers kneeling in protest when Confederate soldiers played ‘Dixie’ prior to battles.

Under Armour stock tumbled after releasing lower-than-expected earnings and a reduced 4th quarter sales forecast. Responding to rumored supply chain issues, Under Armour CEO dismissed them, saying the company has a steady supply of basketball players who want ugly shoes.

Japanese news organizations are reporting fatalities in the collapse of a tunnel at a North Korean nuclear missile site. President Trump placed a call to ISIS asking for advice on how to take credit for something terrible that you had nothing to do with.

Corey Feldman is trying to crowdfund $10 million on indiegogo to produce a film that will name the names of dangerous Hollywood pedophiles. So far he’s raised only 2%, or $169,000, and may just name the names in a bonus commentary track of a Blu-ray re-release of Meatballs 4.

 

 

 

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Target announced it’s hiring 100,000 seasonal holiday workers, or about one-tenth of everyone Amazon doesn’t want.

Bernie Sanders will introduce legislation on Wednesday that would make Medicare a universal health insurance program. The legislation has no chance of passing due to the Republican congressional majority, and because BernCare sounds so painful.

  • Sanders hopes to sell universal Medicare with a catchy new slogan “it isn’t just for geezers anymore.”

Congress passed a bipartisan measure calling on President Trump to denounce hate groups. Trump swiftly crafted a message denouncing Democrats and ethnic minorities who hate him.

President Trump is planning a 13-city tour to sell his ideas for tax reform to whoever he’s golfing with in those 13 cities.

Apple introduced the long-rumored iPhone X. It costs $1,000 and includes new features such as facial recognition – it recognizes your expression that you wish you had your $1,000 back.

  • Analysts expect iPhone X to be in very short supply this holiday season, since it can only be found inside of specific Hatchimals.

Eric and Lara Trump welcomed a son, Eric ‘Luke’ Trump – President Trump’s 9th grandchild. President Trump tweeted to welcome his 12th grandchild.

  • CNN, criticized by the President as Fake News, promised an exclusive interview with the stork that delivered the baby.

Cybersecurity company Armis Labs warns that over 5 Billion electronic devices are vulnerable to malware called ‘BlueBorne’, which attacks devices via Bluetooth. However, in some cases, the malware becomes so annoyed with the Bluetooth user’s loud conversation that it leaves.

Harrison Ford has broken the silence regarding an affair he had with Carrie Fisher when he was 33 and married, and she was 19. The silence was broken by high-fives he gets from Star Wars fans.