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CVS is expanding its announced layoffs. However, investors and doctors are both concerned about the new self-service fill-your-own-prescription kiosks.

Donald Trump was reportedly allowed to ‘pre-report’ his 215-pound weight when surrendering to Georgia officials at the Fulton County Jail. He apparently pre-reported it when he was in eighth grade.

The Kremlin vigorously denied claims that Vladimir Putin was behind the jet crash that killed Wagner mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin, saying Putin has no idea how to make a bomb.

The owner of Jimmy John’s is buying Subway – saying they want to offer customers a choice of terrible sandwiches with either more meat at Jimmy John’s, or no meat at Subway.

Blackswan is a four-woman K-pop group with no Korean members. They chose Blackswan after changing their first choice, Kim-chi’li Van=il’li.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram message reading “F*ck with me . I dare you”. Her three ex-husbands said they have, and still wanted out.

Dennis Rodman had his girlfriend’s face tattooed on his buttocks, since he thought it would be nice to sit on her face for a change.

Zillow is offering mortgages to prospective home buyers with just a 1% down payment. They say it’s a good way for people to deal with soaring mortgage rates who want to experience what it’s like to have their house foreclosed & repossessed.

A former McDonald’s chef posted to social media to say 10:30a.m. – the breakfast-to-lunch changeover – is the worst time to eat there, contradicting the widely-held opinion that the worst time to eat at McDonald’s is “anytime”.

The U.S. may revise its recommended alcohol-consumption guidelines to just two beers per week. “Okay” said men sipping a 72-ounce beer.

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A New Jersey woman was sucked into a sewer and shot out into a river over a mile away. She says she won’t return to Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. [story h/t to J.L.]

Two Jimmy John’s sandwich shop employees were fired for posting a video where they made a noose out of bread dough. Jimmy John’s is also pulling the Hangman’s Ham Hoagie from their menu.

Kanye West’s family is reportedly concerned that he’s experiencing a serious bipolar episode. In related news, Kanye agreed to participate in his first presidential candidate debate against himself.

Lavicia Leslie will assume the title role in CW Network’s comic book drama ‘Batwoman’, vacated by lesbian actress Ruby Rose. Leslie, a black bisexual actress, is attracted to both cats and penguins.

A wooden statue of Melania Trump was set on fire in her native Slovenia. No response yet from the wooden statue in the East Wing.

Supermarket chain Wegmans announced the permanent closure of all its in-store pubs, following the latest fatal shopping cart DUI in the frozen food aisle.

The FDA warned of hand sanitizers that contain wood alcohol. The sanitizer is toxic if absorbed through the skin, yet smooth and delicious with a splash of Coke.

The mayor of Seoul, South Korea has been reported missing. All available cops have been called in to do some serious Seoul searching.

A 12-year-old girl won $20,000 for creating a car seat device that helps prevent hot-car deaths. She plans to spend the money helping her 3-year-old brother recover from prototype testing.

Decommissioned police body cameras are being sold on eBay, and hackers buying them are finding troves of video evidence, much of which captures distraught employees being shaken down for free Dunkin donuts.

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Rapper/actor Machine Gun Kelly is taking a social media break to mourn the death of his father, Pop Gun Kelly.

Ford announced the newly-updated Bronco, and promised to send one to suburban Philadelphia in case Bill Cosby breaks out of prison.

Jimmy John’s employees shared video of themselves making a noose out of bread dough and placing it around one of their necks. It’s the week’s second-most-disgusting sandwich shop video, next to one showing someone eating at Subway.

Disney announced a content development deal with Colin Kaepernick – followed by an announcement from Scrooge McDuck that he’s severing ties with the company.

9 NHL players tested positive for coronavirus – none of whom you’ve heard of.

Restaurant chain Big Boy announced they’re changing mascots to a female named Dolly. Dolly asked not to be referred to as Big Girl.

Cosmopolitan magazine is publishing stories of men walking out on dates. So far, the Number One reason is that “the sex was over’.

Harvard and Princeton universities announced plans for students to return to campus. They say if admitted students aren’t smart enough to avoid coronavirus, they should go to a different school.

Fox News said they ‘mistakenly’ cropped Donald Trump out of a photo of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, adding they mistakenly photoshopped Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden into it.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said the United States is “looking at” banning TikTok and other social media apps – after his video lip-synching to BTS got zero likes.

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The International Olympic Committee’s longest-serving member, Dick Pound, said he believes the IOC has three months to decide if the COVID-19 virus is controlled, or the Tokyo Olympics must be cancelled. He then fielded a half-hour of questions about his gay porn name.

Rush Limbaugh said on his radio program he’s “dead right” that the COVID-19 virus is “the common cold”, but is being weaponized to take down Donald Trump. Noting his advanced cancer, his critics said they, too, hope Limbaugh is “dead, right?”.

The jury has been released following the conviction of Harvey Weinstein on two sexual assault charges, and most are now receiving counseling for the PTSD they’re experiencing from having to look at photos of Weinstein nude.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down immediately, to be succeeded by Disney Parks CEO Bob Chapek. “How many f***ing times are they going to pass me over, Minnie?” squeaked a long-time employee.

The FDA is accusing sandwich chain Jimmy John’s of serving vegetables linked to E.coli and salmonella outbreaks. Company officials said they’ll do a better job convincing customers that vegetables have no place on sandwiches.

A 61-year-old woman who said she never drank showed high levels of alcohol in her urine and was diagnosed with “auto brewery syndrome”, where yeast in her bladder fermented. She’s debating between treatment, or continuing to sell Shirley’s Small-Batch IPA for $20/pint.

A Tokyo man shared the story of Nintendo replacing his 95-year-old mother’s broken Game Boy handheld which hasn’t been made since 2003. Nintendo found a brand new one in a warehouse, and the woman played it until her death at 99 when she was struck by a turtle shell.

The U.S. has begun testing a coronavirus vaccine at the University of Nebraska Medical Center, and boy is that goat tired of needles.

Michelle Janavs – heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune – was sentenced to 5 months in prison for her role in the College Admissions Scandal. It’s the longest frozen food prison sentence since the racketeering takedown of the notorious Totino’s Crime Family.

Struggling retailer GameStop is trialing three new “concept stores” at locations in Oklahoma, designed to be less focused on game sales, and more focused on social interaction. All three are Starbucks.

 

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The U.S. Army may change the eligibility rules for burial in Arlington National Cemetery. One rule expected to remain unchanged is that you need to be dead.

The original crossbreeder of Labradoodle dogs says he regrets creating “Frankenstein’s monster”, citing his opinion that the dogs are either crazy or have a hereditary problem. His complaints are echoed by the guy who spent years trying to cross Great Danes and Chihuahuas.

A woman author, Katee Robert, released a new series of books, Wicked Villains, that feature Disney villains in kinky erotic scenarios. They’re so hot, Donald Duck walked in on Daisy Duck reading one with her pants off.

The NBA is reportedly requiring all teams to certify player’s height & weight during the first week of training camp. “Fine, but what’s with the fingerprints and DNA samples?” asked NBA players.

Inspire Brands, owner of Sonic, Arby’s and Buffalo Wild Wings, is acquiring Jimmy John’s sandwich shops. Inspire’s CEO said they wanted another brand to give customers heart disease, but a lot slower.

A gas station owner in Maryland has completely transitioned it to charging electric vehicles. The owner said he was frustrated with the way petroleum suppliers structured contracts, and that he wasn’t meeting enough douchebags.

The Anti-Defamation League said in a new report that the “OK” hand gesture is now a hate symbol. So stick to “thumbs up” at your kid’s soccer game to tell them they’re doing a great job.

Residents of San Francisco neighborhoods are trying to keep the homeless off the streets in front of their homes by placing large boulders on the sidewalk. They say the idea came from not seeing any homeless drug addicts in Bedrock.

Facebook will hide the number of Likes a post gets in order to minimize envy. Users will now just post how many Likes they got from previous posts in order to restore envy.

Uber is creating an incubator for new business ideas – because they want to give business opportunities to leering creeps who don’t own or drive a car.

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Researchers at Carnegie-Mellon developed a wearable wristband that can detect when the user is experiencing an opiate overdose. The problem is that addicts keep selling their wristbands to get money for heroin.

Iggy Azalea is being criticized for finishing her song during a concert while one of her backup dancers had a seizure. “Well, seizures won’t work, you guys got any other ideas to get her to stop?” said the other dancers.

Scarlett Johansson told the Washington Post that trying to stop the use of her image in “deepfake porn” – digital placement of her face on women in sexually explicit videos – is a “lost cause”.  Producers of deepfake porn videos say they’ve tried working with Johansson, but she won’t budge on her $10 million/movie fee.

Producers of the first annual Television Sexpun Awards released their nominees, with Netflix earning two Best Picture nods for Bird Box and Bandersnatch.

An opposition leader in the Democratic Republic of Congo has complained of voting irregularities following Sunday’s Presidential Elections. Martin Fayulu claims that voting machines are rigged, and that his opponent used an extensive misinformation campaign targeted toward the four voters in the Congo with internet service.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren announced she’ll seek the Democratic nomination for President in 2020, as verified by both those on her email list, and those close enough to see the smoke signals sent from her yard.

The NFL’s Arizona Cardinals, Cincinnati Bengals, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Denver Broncos, Miami Dolphins & New York Jets all fired their head coaches after Sunday’s games, ruining plans for the teams’ human resources workers who didn’t want to work the weekend.

Fox News Channel rings in 2019 with its ‘All American New Year’ show, featuring an exclusive interview with President Trump. Trump is expected to share his New Year’s resolutions: improved fitness, diet, truth-telling and quality time with family.

Police in Minnesota who pulled over a Jimmy John’s delivery driver arrested him after finding pot inside of a wrapped sandwich. A replacement sandwich was sent, but the customer rejected it, claiming the pot was the only thing that could make him hungry enough to eat a Jimmy John’s sandwich.

Author Jordan Shapiro’s new book: ‘The New Childhood – Raising Kids to Thrive In A Connected World’, presents the viewpoint that video games, social media and smartphones are good for children. The publisher, Little/Brown, points out that Shapiro is eight years old.