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Verizon is launching a new tool to remotely troubleshoot technical issues in your home without a service technican visit. They’re calling it The Phone.

Amazon hired 100,000 new workers in the last four weeks and are planning to add another 75,000 to replace three-quarters of the first 100,000 that died of exhaustion.

Wildfires have engulfed the area surrounding Chernobyl, threatening extinction to the area’s indigenous two-headed animals.

George Stephanopolous has been diagnosed with COVID-19, or Stephanopoloronaviralous.

NFL staffs will have a practice draft this week in preparation for next week’s official online NFL Draft. They’ll utilize Microsoft Teams; they’d planned to use Zoom but Brett Favre kept crashing the meetings to show his penis.

Bernie Sanders endorsed Joe Biden for President, saying he places his full support behind the guy with whom he shares about one thing in common, sort of.

Deadly tornadoes devastated areas throughout the South and East. Donald Trump plans to tour the area via a GoPro drone with a MAGA cap on it.

Burger King is offering free Whoppers to students who solve a daily math problem. Then, it’s up to their parents to solve the weight gain and blood pressure problems.

Australia has its first ‘stool bank’, where people can get $25 donating healthy stool samples used in transplants to correct digestive disorders. Donors are given a battery of tests, frustrating the efforts of enterprising dogs looking to get Snausage money.

Police in Indonesia’s central Java province employ residents dressed in white sheets as ghosts – ‘pochong’ – to spook people into staying home at night during the coronavirus outbreak. Then they spend the day spooking workers into extending their shifts at the Nike factory.

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Kevin Durant of the NBA Brooklyn Nets tested positive for COVID-19. He’s concerned his body doesn’t know how to play defense.

The City of Philadelphia advised officers not to make arrests for minor crimes to prevent COVID-19 exposure risk, so instead they’re just shooting people who try to steal donuts. 

A resident of Spain attempted to walk the streets in an inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex costume while their city is on lockdown. Before he could be apprehended, he was killed by three other Spaniards dressed as velociraptors.

Around the country, municipalities and hospitals are setting up drive-thru test sites for the coronavirus. So far, the biggest challenges are shortages of COVID-19 test kits and french fries. 

Gamestop cancelled a midnight release event for new video game Doom Eternal, saying that doom will be arriving pretty soon, anyway. 

Dollar General and Target are dedicating specific times each week for senior shoppers and those with underlying health concerns –  allowing parking lot muggers to plan their day accordingly. 

The Federal Aviation Administration closed a control tower at Chicago Midway airport after workers there tested positive for coronavirus. In its place, pilots were radioed a recorded message saying “just take turns”. 

A Google Chrome browser extension called ‘Netflix Party’ lets users watch Netflix content on their computers and chat at the same time. It’s proven to be a lot more popular than ‘Pornhub Party’. 

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is now receiving protection from Secret Service agents, who reintroduce themselves to him every morning. 

A Kentucky man who tested positive for coronavirus checked himself out of a hospital, but is now forced to remain at home by sheriff’s deputies. Yet, in accordance with Kentucky law, he’s still allowed to sit in a rocking chair on his porch clad only in overalls while clutching a rifle. 

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Melania Trump tweeted a photo holding a shovel to break ground on a new White House tennis pavilion, after consulting Joe Biden to see if he plays tennis.

  • It’s part of Melania’s ‘Be Best Backhand’ initiative.

Three male scientists shared the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for inventing lithium-ion batteries. They came up with the idea when their bored, disinterested wives were each spending $200 a month on Duracells for their vibrators.

Philadelphia City Schools are offering free head lice screenings to teachers and school nurses, though it’s expected that half the lice in Philly schools will just drop out.

Johnson & Johnson must pay $8 billion in damages for failing to warn users its antipsychotic drug, Risperdal, caused gynecomastia – a condition causing men to grow enlarged breasts. The judgment is being called the world’s most expensive boob job. [ Story & joke submitted & guest-written by reader J.O !! ]

McDonald’s launched a McRib Locator website to help customers find participating locations serving the sandwich, and to help families of dangerously obese people avoid them.

The Philadelphia Flyers opened a rage room, where hockey fans can pay to go in a room during games and break things.  The Philadelphia Philles say they considered it, but decided to let fans keep using their living rooms.

The New York City townhome where The Cars frontman Ric Ocasek passed away is back on the market, listed at $13.9 million – an amount his surviving wife Paulina Porizkova described as “just what I needed”.

Robert Downey Jr. told Howard Stern he doesn’t want an Oscar nomination for Avengers: Endgame, telling studio publicists “let’s not”. Downey said he was inspired by the late Jim Varney saying “let’s not” to an Oscar campaign for ‘Ernest Goes to Jail’.

New research spanning 70 years finds having a dog lowers your risk of dying by 24 percent. The study followed everyone except infants and toddlers living with pit bulls.

 

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Police in Ontario, Canada pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was using a 30-can case of beer as a booster seat for his 2-year-old child riding on the passenger side. A proper child seat was given to the man, along with a sippy cup for the beer.

A Philadelphia man stopped his robbery of a 1 Stop Smoke Shop because the $200 the manager gave him wasn’t enough money for his daughter’s kidney transplant. Cops are searching for the man, and a GoFundMe was started to give him Uber rides to stores with more cash to steal.

U.S. Labor Secretary Alex Acossta resigned following criticism of the Florida plea-deal he’d made to billionaire child sex predator Jeffrey Epstein. Acosta’s plans are not known, but it’s assumed he’ll return to practicing law, poorly.

Droughts in Europe are creating a shortage of truffles – and a surplus of bored pigs trained to sniff them out.

A 140-foot superyacht that can be controlled with an iPad is up for sale for $15,000,400. It’s $15 million for the yacht, and $400 to replace the iPad the seller dropped overboard.

Denise Nickerson, who, as a child, portrayed Violet Beauregarde in ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ died at age 62. Her family removed her from life support following extended stroke complications, then she kicked the Charlie Bucket.

R&B singer R. Kelly was formally charged with racketeering and the sexual exploitation of at least five women. Kelly’s team dispatched a private plane to Washington, D.C. to convince unemployed former Labor Secretary Alex Acosta to lead the prosecution.

CNN will host a live lottery to determine which Democratic presidential candidates appear on stage together in debates airing July 30 & 31. Joe Biden’s team is working on a blockbuster deal to swap picks so he doesn’t have to see Kamala Harris.

Hasbro will not film a sequel to the 2017 ‘Power Rangers’ movie, and will reboot the franchise again. They’re seeking new actors of color to portray different-colored heroes.

Samuel L. Jackson has been cast in Chris Rock’s reboot of the ‘Saw’ franchise, rumored to be portaying ‘Motherf*ckin Jigsaw’.

 

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Doctors treating a teen girl in China for five days of constipation found 100 tapioca ‘bubble tea pearls’ in her abdomen. She was given laxatives and told to prepare herself for the worst string of pearls she’ll ever get.

Joe Biden made a campaign stop in Iowa, calling President Trump an ‘existential threat’ to the country. Trump, also in Iowa, said Biden should know better than to throw five-syllable words around in the nation’s heartland.

Kevin Durant of the Golden State Warriors rejoined the team for their Game 5 NBA Championship win over the Toronto Raptors, but left the game with a ruptured achilles tendon. The achilles tore when Durant told it he wanted to try playing defense.

A mental health facility is suing actress Amanda Bynes for an unpaid bill. Bynes said she’d be crazy to pay it.

Kim Kardashian West shared a photo of daughter North wearing a fur coat, adding that she’s had all of her favorite fur coats remade with fake fur. “Thanks” said the families of dead chinchillas.

United Airlines said its ConnectionSaver tool is now available to let passengers with tight connections possibly hold their departing flight. United said 14,400 passengers in four months had their connections saved, and they can’t wait to start gouging passengers for using it.

Siam Corner Thai Kitchen in Stamford, CT was closed when a decomposing human body in an apartment over the restaurant leaked through the ceiling. No foul play is suspected, despite the body being covered with ice and liberally sprinkled with MSG.

Investigators believe California’s biggest wildfire, the Mendocino Complex Fire, was caused by sparks from a rancher plugging an underground wasp nest with a metal spike. The rancher will not face criminal liability for the fire, but was charged with 100 counts of waspicide.

New York City police are seeking a woman with a baby strapped to her chest and pushing a stroller, who punched a subway passenger in the face for bumping into her. Witnesses say the woman’s baby asks permission before breast feeding.

Uber debuted a new self-driving vehicle, the latest step in its quest to make cheapskate passengers feel better about not tipping.

 

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Police in Oklahoma pulled over a woman driving a car with a tire missing and a full margarita in her cup holder. Police told her that they could see her rim, and she told them it has salt on it.

Facebook plans to implement a Content Oversight Board to review material posted there. Board members must like kittens and be able to read & speak Russian.

Burger King is partnering with Impossible Foods to offer a new version of its Whopper made with plant protein containing no meat. They plan to introduce it with an original Whopper ad slogan – it takes two hands to toss the Veggie Whopper in the garbage.

Carly Rae Jepsen will release her fourth album, ‘Dedicated’, next month. “Buy it, maybe” said Jepsen, reminding everyone who she is.

A second female is accusing former VP Joe Biden of inappropriate behavior, saying he leaned in to rub her nose against his. When Biden’s nose touched hers, the golden retriever puppy ran away.

Magician David Blaine is being investigated by the NYPD following claims of sexual assault. Police issued a search warrant to Blaine, seeking to find the bottom halves of the women.

The Global Drug Survey – conducted with 22,000 respondents worldwide – reveals people in Britain are most likely to combine sex and drugs. Anything to avoid British food.

Gmail added a message scheduling feature. So, go ahead and write that email firing people and schedule it to send at 4:45p.m.. on the Friday before your two-week vacation.

A California couple found a hidden camera disguised as a smoke detector above the bed in the Airbnb they’d rented. They discovered it when the speaker on the smoke detector told them to stop smoking because it was tough to see them having sex.

Jared Kushner said that ex-felons in Florida – now eligible to vote – are part of ‘the new coalition that President Trump is building’. By ‘coalition’ it’s presumed that Kushner means ‘staff’, either at the White House or Mar-A-Lago.

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Grovetown, Georgia is requiring registered sex offenders in the area to report to a municipal facility on Halloween night for ‘childrens’ safety’. However, trick-or-treaters are appealing for leniency, once they found out the offenders were planning to hand out full-size KitKat bars.

More suspicious explosive packages have been identified, delivered to Vice President Joe Biden and actor Robert Deniro. Deniro notified police when he received an email from UPS reading “your shipment of pipe bomb has been delivered!”

Following her now-infamous Halloween-costume blackface comments Tuesday on the Today show, Megyn Kelly opened Wednesday’s show saying “I want to open with two words: I’m sorry.” Kelly’s time slot aired a rerun on Thursday. Her Friday segment will start with “I want to open with two words: I’m fired.”

A caravan of migrants fleeing Central America for the United States has grown to approximately 10,000. Or, as Sean Spicer called it, two million.

President Trump denied using a personal iPhone that can be bugged by Russian and Chinese spies. This, as Chief of Staff John Kelly translated iMessages received in Russian and Chinese reading “speak up.”

Duchess Meghan Markle was photographed at an event in Tonga wearing a red dress with a tag hanging off of the hem. She had just arrived there from Australia, where she dedicated the grand opening of Brisbane’s newest TJ Maxx.

Google released ‘Night Sight’ mode for its Pixel smartphones, a low-light camera setting that its makers claim will save you from ever having to use the flash again. “It really is terrific!” say Peeping Toms looking at their latest Pixel snaps.

Starbucks opened a first-of-its-kind location in Washington, DC, where every employee is fluent in American Sign Language — providing a long-awaited opportunity for pretentious deaf douchebags to sign a 90-second order and still see the wrong name written on their cup.

The FDA approved Genentech’s Xofluza, a new oral medication for treatment of the flu. It’s to be taken within 48 hours of showing symptoms, or not taken at all if you’d rather just miss a full week of work.

Jamie Lee Curtis said that she was paid just $8,000 for her role in the original ‘Halloween’. Worse, the guy who played Michael Myers just got to keep his wardrobe and the knives.