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A porch pirate in New Jersey stole a new cell phone delivery while posing as an Amazon driver. He then sent the victim a picture of the phone on his own porch and requested feedback.

A black bear was spotted roaming through backyards in Newark Delaware. It’s believed to be lost while looking for neighboring Bear, Delaware.

Drug maker Novo Norodisk will build a $4.1 billion facility to manufacture weight loss drugs Wegovy & Ozempic. They’re also spending a billion dollars on McDonald’s franchises just to make sure demand keeps up.

Pandas are returning to the San Diego Zoo for the first time in years, scheduled to arrive via Panda Express.

A bride in Australia went viral for a video of her walking down the aisle while telling guests to put their mobile phones away. Women were disappointed at not being able to record the bride; men were angry missing the football game.

Health officials are warning of fake Botox. They advise patients to ask their doctors for the real Botox when they want to look fake.

The City of Philadelphia opened all of its municipal pools and spray parks – offering residents who want to cool off the choice of being sprayed with water or bullets.

Surgeons performed a kidney transplant on a man who remained awake the entire time. Representatives from the Guinness Book of Records were on hand to present the man’s award for World’s Worst Health Insurance.

Bubbles the Chimp, longtime pet of the late Michael Jackson, turned 41 years old at the Florida animal sanctuary where he lives and receives twice-weekly trauma therapy.

Parisians angry about the cost of cleaning the River Seine for the Paris Olympics plan to defecate in it as a protest, along with dozens of others who have no idea there’s a protest going on.

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Barron Trump turned 18. As he opened birthday cards, representatives from Jean Carroll & the New York State Attorney General’s office were on hand to seize the money.

Chips Ahoy announced they’re upgrading the chips, to make them even closer to actual chocolate.

Deloitte’s Digital Trends Survey claims the average American household spends $61 monthly on 4 streaming services, and $79 on internet service to buffer all of them.

A man snapped a photo of a passenger’s boarding pass and illegally boarded a Delta Airlines flight, but was caught hiding in the lavatory before takeoff. He was removed and arrested, and Delta assigned a different standby passenger to the toilet seat.

Taking calcium & vitamin D together may lower the risk of cancer, but raise the risk of heart disease, according to new research published in medical journal ‘Damned If You Do; Damned If You Don’t.’

New video shows January 6th rioters working before dawn to construct a gallows and noose near the Capitol to hang Mike Pence. Those involved face charges of insurrection, terroristic threats, and failure to secure a building permit.

A pig kidney was transplanted to a human recipient for the first time – raising questions about how the pig signed up for the National Organ Donor Registry.

Paroled Ronald Reagan assassin John Hinckley, Jr. says ‘cancel culture’ is hurting his music career after a venue postponed his planned show on the 43rd anniversary of the shooting. The venue said customers weren’t in favor of the show, and Hinckley’s KC & the Sunshine Band covers aren’t that great anyway.

A woman’s Planet Fitness membership was revoked for taking a photo of a person who identifed as queer shaving their face in the womens locker room. Others took note and started snapping locker room pics since it’s the fastest way to cancel their membership.

The latest dangerous viral trend is teenagers snorting nutmeg. Apparently it gives a brief minutes-long high, with the added benefit of their farts smelling like Thanksgiving desserts.

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A Pennsylvania woman discovered she’s a perfect match for a Kentucky man in need of a kidney. She’ll travel there for the transplant operation just as soon as Kentucky’s top kidney specialist gets his jackknife sharpened and new reading glasses.

Delta Airlines is eliminating a program guaranteeing passengers checked bags are on the carousel within 20 minutes of flight arrival, or the bag owner gets 2,500 flyer miles. They say every flight to Philadelphia is costing them about 2.5 million miles.

Liam Gallagher of Oasis – one of this year’s nominees for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame – told the Rock HoF to “do me a favor and f*ck off”. In response, board members of the Hall told Gallagher please don’t look back in anger.

The Department of Transportation is increasing Chinese airline flights to the U.S. from 35 per week to 50. The move is intended to limit the number of freezing deaths from Chinese tourists trying to enter the U.S. via spy balloons.

A Reddit user claimed that AI ChatGPT performed better when he offered it $100,000 to complete a task. ChatGPT finished the task, is still waiting on the money, and hired someone to break the Reddit user’s fingers.

Sony is laying off 900 employees from its PlayStation division, each of whom received Game Over notifications.

Ticket reseller SeatGeek is launching a ‘Smart Pricing’ feature that uses AI to tell sellers the best sales price for tickets, and a ‘Give Up’ feature that uses a buyer’s bank account & credit info to tell them there’s no way they’re getting Taylor Swift tickets.

Madonna has taken images of the late Luther Vandross out of an AIDS tribute displayed during her live show because he didn’t die of AIDS. The tribute contains photos of Freddie Mercury, Keith Haring… and Donald Trump, captioned with “Let’s Hope So”.

A new University of Texas study claims orgasms aren’t just for pleasure, they ‘rewire the brain’ to create a long-lasting bond between sex partners. The study explains why women have more guy friends, and why men are so good to their hands.

The latest Gen Z relationship trend is women seeking “babygirl” men. Instead of toxic masculinity, babygirl guys are in touch with their feminine side, display some feminine traits, and are gay.

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City of Philadelphia public schools will all have a gender neutral bathroom this fall, ensuring trans & non-binary students have a place to smoke and buy drugs.

Several matches at the recently-completed Wimbledon tennis championships are being investigated for alleged fixing – starting with the ones where players used badminton racquets.

Qanon believers are becoming increasingly prevalent in California yoga & spirituality communities – beginning and ending classes wih ‘Don Must Stay’.

A white “Karen” was recorded attacking a black woman in a Victoria’s Secret in New Jersey. She was escorted away by police after getting several of her panties in a bunch.

Conor McGregor received a six-month medical suspension, preventing him from fighting while he recovers from a broken leg. This upends McGregor’s plan to fight sooner by grabbing the leg with his arm and hitting his opponent with it.

A Cleveland hospital mistakenly transplanted a new kidney to the wrong patient. Worse, the patient can only return it for store credit instead of a refund.

Gillian Anderson will no longer wear a bra. The truth – and her nipple – is out there.

Astronomers sighted a rare teardrop-shaped star – meaning, it killed another star.

Extreme heat is killing salmon in the Sacramento River. It’s so bad, instead of trying to swim upstream to escape it, they’re booking flights.

Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman are now officially divorced. A judge signed off on the terms, including a custody arrangement where their two kids spend every other weekend in prison.

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Police in Ontario, Canada pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was using a 30-can case of beer as a booster seat for his 2-year-old child riding on the passenger side. A proper child seat was given to the man, along with a sippy cup for the beer.

A Philadelphia man stopped his robbery of a 1 Stop Smoke Shop because the $200 the manager gave him wasn’t enough money for his daughter’s kidney transplant. Cops are searching for the man, and a GoFundMe was started to give him Uber rides to stores with more cash to steal.

U.S. Labor Secretary Alex Acossta resigned following criticism of the Florida plea-deal he’d made to billionaire child sex predator Jeffrey Epstein. Acosta’s plans are not known, but it’s assumed he’ll return to practicing law, poorly.

Droughts in Europe are creating a shortage of truffles – and a surplus of bored pigs trained to sniff them out.

A 140-foot superyacht that can be controlled with an iPad is up for sale for $15,000,400. It’s $15 million for the yacht, and $400 to replace the iPad the seller dropped overboard.

Denise Nickerson, who, as a child, portrayed Violet Beauregarde in ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ died at age 62. Her family removed her from life support following extended stroke complications, then she kicked the Charlie Bucket.

R&B singer R. Kelly was formally charged with racketeering and the sexual exploitation of at least five women. Kelly’s team dispatched a private plane to Washington, D.C. to convince unemployed former Labor Secretary Alex Acosta to lead the prosecution.

CNN will host a live lottery to determine which Democratic presidential candidates appear on stage together in debates airing July 30 & 31. Joe Biden’s team is working on a blockbuster deal to swap picks so he doesn’t have to see Kamala Harris.

Hasbro will not film a sequel to the 2017 ‘Power Rangers’ movie, and will reboot the franchise again. They’re seeking new actors of color to portray different-colored heroes.

Samuel L. Jackson has been cast in Chris Rock’s reboot of the ‘Saw’ franchise, rumored to be portaying ‘Motherf*ckin Jigsaw’.

 

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Millionaire Marc Bell, a former owner of Penthouse magazine, opened his mansion to 70 foster children displaced by Hurricane Irma. So far, the girls favorite activity is getting manicures, and the boys favorite activity is looking through Bell’s photo collection.

Pop star Selena Gomez revealed to fans that she received a kidney transplant in August from her friend, actress Francia Raisa. Taylor Swift quickly cranked out a diss track slamming Gomez’s failed kidney.

President Trump toured Naples and Ft. Myers Florida to view the damage from Hurricane Irma. The President told Floridians he would be there for them 100 percent, meaning he plans to move to Mar A Lago full time.

  • The President was joined by First Lady Melania, who created her own tragedy by wearing white pants after Labor Day.

Ivanka Trump told the Financial Times that the public has “unrealistic expectations” of how much she can influence her father, President Donald Trump; adding that to influence him, she’d actually have to want to be in the same room with him.

Some parts of the Florida Keys may be without power for a month. Impeachment proceedings have already started against the Mayor of Margaritaville.

A federal judge revoked Martin Shkreli’s bail after he offered a $5,000 bounty for anyone sending him a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair. Reached for comment, Bill Clinton said he’s still waiting for his money.

A Silicon Valley CEO says that she dyed her blonde hair brown in order to be taken more seriously. She considers it a success, but her female coworkers think her long hair drags down her face.

A research study confirms that women have more keen olfactory senses, and are more bothered by objectionable smells than men. Bad news for husbands claiming ‘it wasn’t me’.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told a women’s leadership conference that “men still run the world, and it’s not going that well.” Her boss, CEO Mark Zuckerberg asked what she meant and Sandberg replied “nothing”.

The U.S. Air Force states that over 20,000 ‘space junk’ objects threaten to collide and interfere with larger space craft such as the Hubble Telescope and major communications satellites. A solution is still years away, until NASA convinces astronauts to drive garbage trucks.

The Census Bureau reports that Philadelphia remains America’s “poorest big city”, with over 25% of residents living below the poverty line. It’s so bad, Philly residents can’t even save enough money to move to Detroit.