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A former McDonald’s corporate chef shared a video with a recipe for Big Mac ‘secret sauce’ – mayonnaise, pickle relish, paprika, mustard, onion powder, granulated garlic & white pepper. But to get it just right you need a teenager to spit in it.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson is rumored to be cast as the next James Bond – the first Jewish actor to portray ‘007’. Producers are considering a remake of Goldfinger, and are auditioning actresses to portray Pussy Galorowitz.

Brain-chip implant company Neuralink revealed its first human trial patient, Noland Arbaugh, a quadraplegic. Arbaugh demonstrated on his laptop that he could move virtual chess pieces with his mind – but didn’t realize he was playing Candy Land.

Dunkin’ is honoring short, confident men with a limited-time small iced coffee drink called ‘The Short King’ – while continuing to insult those same men by selling Munchkins.

New York Attorney General Letitia James has taken initial steps to seize Donald Trump’s golf course in the event he can’t come up with $454 million in cash. James was seen wearing a hardhat & warming up a backhoe to move Ivana’s body.

Wildlife authorities in Ontario rescued a skunk with its head stuck in a peanut butter jar. By “wildlife authorities” they meant a dog who really wanted the peanut butter.

A two-headed rat snake at a Missouri wildlife refuge will undergo surgery after workers said the snake sneezing blood was a ‘red flag’ – but apparently the two heads are no big deal.

A Missouri zoo is asking for the public’s help naming a new baby kangaroo. Meanwhile, a Mississippi zoo is also asking for help naming a baby kangaroo, because Mississippians keep wanting to name it “dinner”.

DoorDash is now piloting drone deliveries in the U.S. So far multiple customers have suffered serious injuries getting their Chinese food off the roof.

Facebook has resurrected the ‘Poke’….to the delight of boomers who haven’t been poked in forever.

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A truck scattering salt on a path at a Chicago park slid backward into Lake Michigan, which will now be named the Not-So-Great Salt Lake.

“Disney Plus” was Google’s top trending search term in 2019. Second place was a ten-thousand-way tie between “[Name of Celebrity] Naked”.

University of Phoenix agreed to cancel $141 million in student debt over deceptive advertising. “That’s great!” said Summa Cum Laude fast-food drive-thru workers.

May 21, 2021 is being dubbed “Keanu Reeves Day”, with both ‘Matrix 4’ and ‘John Wick:Chapter 4’ debuting in theatres.  May 18, 2021 is being called ‘Rob Schneider Day’ with ‘Deuce Bigalow 3’ debuting on home video in Eastern Europe.

Dan Spilo, a ‘castaway’/contestant on CBS’ ‘Survivor’, was removed from the show in Fiji for alleged off-camera incidents of “inappropriate touching”. Spilo would not comment, nor would the monkeys who lodged the complaint.

President Trump called Time Magazine’s naming of climate activist Greta Thunberg ‘Person of the Year’ “ridiculous”, saying she should “chill”. Four White House aides then fought over who should get credit for coming up with that pun.

A hacker accessed a Ring security camera that a family placed in their 8-year-old’s bedroom and harassed her via the camera’s speaker. The family was horrified, but admit the hacker did get her to clean her room.

A Lenexa, Kansas woman used christmas lights to create a giant illuminated penis on her home’s roof, before neighbors asked her to shut it off. She complied, but may turn it back on Christmas Eve, at the request of Gay Santa.

Google Assistant launched Interpreter Mode, where two users can chat on Google even if they speak different languages. It’s considered a major breakthrough for International Sexting.

A Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles office made a 78-year-old woman walk without a cane before renewing her license, causing her to fall and break her wrist. Then they wouldn’t renew her license because she couldn’t sign her name.

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A 98-year-old COVID-19 victim’s cadaver was dissected without his family’s permission, in a ticketed public autopsy for medical professionals held at the Portland Marriott. The family may sue, as will the people who mistakenly walked in looking for the wedding reception in the next ballroom.

Lawyers for the weapons handler on ‘Rust‘ – Alec Baldwin’s film project where a cinematographer was killed – allege possible sabotage by someone placing a live bullet in a prop handgun. They say this isn’t the only sabotage – someone tried casting Andy Dick in the movie.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers tested positive for COVID-19 and is reportedly unvaccinated. The bad news is he’ll miss this weekend’s game, the good news is State Farm ads have been quarantined for 14 days.

‘Diana: The Musical’, about the life of Princess Diana, previewed on Broadway to negative reviews, with some calling it “a train wreck that ends in a car wreck”.

Fat cells have been found to play a central role in cognitive decline, according to the new ‘Fat, Dumb & Happy’ study.

A 4-year-old Australian girl missing for two weeks was found alive and returned safely to her family. A 36-year-old man was arrested and charged with her abduction, and Aussie police released the dingo-of-interest they’d held for questioning.

India marked the celebration of Diwali amidst air pollution so bad, residents asked “Who turned out the Festival of Lights?”

Nintendo of America cut forecast sales of its popular Switch gaming console, citing a global microchip shortage, and the release of an unexpectedly long Naughty list by Santa Claus.

Following the Alec Baldwin ‘Rust‘ film set shooting, Dwayne The Rock Johnson said he won’t use real guns in his movies anymore. The Rock’s demand will cause massive rewrites, delaying the production of Disney’s ‘The Tooth Fairy 3’.

A new paper published in the environmental journal Nature claims large whales poop much more than scientists previously thought. The conclusion was reached by observing sharks, disgusted at whale behavior ruining their dinner parties.

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A Philadelphia International Airport terminal was shut down by catering workers striking for better wages and health care. They expect the public’s enthusiastic support because everybody loves airline food.

A new Cleveland Clinic study offers definitive proof of lung damage from vaping, and overall damage from living in Cleveland.

Two passengers and their emotional support dogs were kicked off of a Norwegian Air flight after crew said the dogs showed signs of distress – specifically, piles of distress.

A study published in Nature documents what happens to the body when people stop eating meat. Subjects showed an increase in beneficial gut bacteria, and a decrease in whatever e.Coli is shutting down a Chipotle that week.

Fox Business Channel Stuart Varney spoke to the CEO of WD-40, who said that WD-40 stands for “water displacement, 40th formula.” Varney replied “how the hell did this guy get on the show?”

Facebook is launching Facebook News, which is expected to contribute tens of millions of dollars to the Russian economy.

A bear pushing a wheelbarrow attacked his handler during a performance in a Russian traveling circus. The bear was subdued but not killed, and has been assigned a career coach to guide him in better ways to ask for a raise.

Brett Favre told sports journalist Peter King he thinks he might’ve played in the NFL too long, adding “I think I might’ve played in the NFL too long.”

After being diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism, Dog the Bounty Hunter told Dr. Oz he’s stopped eating “white foods” like sugar, bread and pasta. Dog said he’s struggling, because he doesn’t have the right friends to recommend black foods.

Taylor Swift and Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a new song for the film adaptation of ‘Cats’. It’s a lot of mean stuff about a tomcat who breaks it off with a girl cat.

President Trump said he’ll attend a Washington Nationals World Series game if it extends to Game 5. After that, he said he won’t be free until Game 9.

 

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Fox News retracted its story about a man claiming to be a Navy SEAL who had made a glass presidential sculpture for Donald Trump. The man was never a SEAL and most of his service medals were fake. Fox News apologized and said it was the most grievous error they’d made that day. 

Hailey Baldwin confirmed her marriage to Justin Bieber, changing the name on her Instagram profile to Hailey Bieber. She becomes the 1,432,988th young female Instagram’er to change her last name to Bieber. 

Walmart shoppers on social media called their Black Friday sales ‘chaos’ and criticized them for running out of hot merchandise like iPhones. Walmart said they tried to keep things organized, pairing off like-sized shoppers so they fought in their own weight class. 

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled the Cincinnati Reds do not have to pay a sales tax on the bobbleheads they give to fans for promotions. The Reds successfully argued fans already pay sales tax on tickets, and since the team sucks, they must be paying for the bobblehead. 

According to research published in journal Nature, a specific sugar molecule – mannose – slows the growth of cancer cells. Cancer treatment hospitals promptly raised the price of Cap’n Crunch w Mannose to $2,000/bowl. 

The mayor of Tijuana declared a humanitarian crisis as a group of 5,000 migrants fleeing Central America arrived in the city. He said Tijuana is not ready to handle so many broke men & women making irrational decisions this far ahead of Spring Break. 

A Florida woman who ordered a box of 500 worms for her pet lizard captured video of a woman stealing the parcel off of her doorstep. The woman with the lizard said the thief got ‘karma’, but the woman stealing the box said the jokes on her, because she works for a Worm Rescue. 

An American missionary was killed by a remote tribe of Sentinelese off the Bay of Bengal near India, who have little to no interactions with outsiders. The missionary was unsuccessful converting them to Christianity, but the tribe was successful converting the victim to soup. 

Amazon is making adjustments to help Alexa get ready for the holidays, updating her responses to include “can’t everybody just leave me ALONE for twenty goddamn minutes?!..”

Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving apologized for saying “F*ck Thanksgiving” after a home loss to the New York Knicks on Wednesday night. Irving said he gets how his words were perceived, but claims he was just discussing his plans for having groupies over to his house Thursday.