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The FAA is considering keeping travelers from bringing emotional support animals into the cabin during air travel. They would continue to allow boarding for emotional hostility animals, also known as passengers.

A new study claims consumption of soybean oil contributes to diabetes, obesity and genetic changes in the brain. “So?” said overweight transsexuals.

Utah outlawed gay conversion therapy for children – telling parents they’re better off saving up and trying it when the kids are older.

Coca-Cola representatives attending the World Economic Forum said they’ll continue to use resealable plastic bottles, because their customers insist on drinking really fizzy – then really flat – soda out of them.

A woman on a Spirit Airlines flight accused a fellow passenger of assault, saying a man in the adjacent seat put his hands down the back of her pants while she slept. The man said he asked a flight attendant for a blanket to warm his hands, but since it was Spirit Airlines, the flight attendant said ‘no’ and told him to improvise.

President Trump dismissed reports of U.S. military personnel suffering traumatic head injuries and concussions from Iran’s missile strike on a U.S. base, calling them “headaches”. Trump said he’d “seen worse”, but that he “didn’t watch football anymore.”

A Philadelphia Flyers season ticket holder claims Gritty, the team’s mascot, punched his teen son in the back at a team event. Team officials dispute the claim, but added if the kid didn’t punch back, he can’t be of much use to the Philadelphia Flyers.

Netflix executives say that, despite investor pressure to raise revenue, they won’t be airing ads during Netflix programming. Viewers say they don’t want ads either, and that they already time bathroom breaks during buffering.

Planters plans to kill off its longtime mascot, the monocled Mr. Peanut, during a Super Bowl ad. The ad – where Mr. Peanut falls to his death – replaced a more controversial version where he choked to death on his own nuts.

Retailer Gamestop declared bankruptcy. They petitioned a judge to blow the dust out of their old, massive debt and restart.

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A new study claims listening to classical music during operations improves surgeons speed and accuracy by 11 percent. A different study claims surgeons listening to gangster rap during operations might just be people stabbing you. [story h/t to AJFS]

Savannah Guthrie was absent from NBC’s Today Show as she underwent surgery to repair her retina, torn when her child struck it with a toy truck. Keep an eye out for her return!

Disney+ announced the first cast members for their ‘Home Alone’ reboot. The plot departs from the original, with parents deliberately leaving their kid home alone while they go on vacation, but it’s okay because he has Disney+.

The New York Yankees signed pitcher Gerrit Cole to a nine-year, $324 million contract. This, after the Washington Nationals signed Stephen Strasburg to a seven-year, $245 million deal. Meanwhile, over a dozen ten-year-olds underwent elbow surgery after their dads saw those numbers and pushed them too far.

Bougainville, a collection of islands in the South Pacific, voted for independence from Papua New Guinea to become the world’s newest country. This is a second chance for the Bougainville bobsledders who just missed making the Papua New Guinea olympic team.

Climate activist Greta Thunberg is Time Magazine’s 2019 Person of the Year – edging out stiff competition from the creators of the “I’mma tell my kids this is” and “I don’t know who needs to hear this” memes.

Fuller House star Bob Saget said he will “always love” embattled co-star Lori Loughlin, and won’t “cut people out.” “Did somebody say ‘cut it out’?” said far less popular co-star Dave Coulier.

A team of professional scientists working for Major League Baseball claim the increase in 2019 home runs was due to lower seams on baseballs, and changes in players’ swing patterns. A different team of drunken bleacher scientists claimed it was because pitchers sucked.

Doctors are more frequently diagnosing Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, HSDD, a reduced sex drive and associated distress affecting one in ten women. Treatments include FDA-approved drug, Addyi, as well as husbands showering and doing the dishes.

Former ESPN reporter Britt McHenry, a contributor to Fox News streaming service Fox Nation, is suing her employer for sexual harassment. Fox responded that all blonde female employees are sexually harassed as part of new-hire orientation.

A Los Angeles court issued an injunction against Netflix, barring the streaming service from poaching employees under contract to Fox Networks. Lawyers for Netflix challenged the ruling, wondering how else they’re going to get more white people to sign up.

 

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As he continues to lobby to be traded, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Jalen Ramsey skipped practice Monday, saying he’s sick and might have the flu. Then he was totally embarrassed when he ran into Jaguars Head Coach Doug Marrone in the lobby of the cinema showing Downton Abbey.

Melania Trump rang the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange on Monday. “Meddy Chreezmuss!” shouted Mrs. Stable Genius.

Viral video shows two bears fighting in the middle of a highway in British Columbia. The video was captured by the Grubhub driver delivering the salmon they were fighting over.

A McDonald’s in Sacramento is playing an unpleasant noise over an outdoor speaker to aggravate loiterers and homeless people so they’ll leave. Asked what the noise is, a McDonald’s manager said “it’s two Grimaces mating.”

An arrest warrant for sexual battery was issued for actor/comedian Andy Dick, according the LAPD’s Andy Dick Division, created to keep up with the frequency of his crimes.

Blac Chyna went on a dinner date with an unidentified new boyfriend, who put her toes in his mouth at their table. The waiter finally dropped off some bread to get him to stop.

Congress formed a group to combat youth vaping – meaning vaping will end up being bigger than ever.

Embattled NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown, released by the New England Patriots, reenrolled in classes at Central Michigan University where he played college football. Brown is glad to be on a college campus, where no one worries about sexual assault.

The annual Primetime Emmy Awards took place Sunday night, as confused American tv viewers asked themselves “are netflixes and hulus and primes tv? or is they movies?”

Motown released 60 unheard tracks from their vault. Some of them were songs from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and others; most of them were Joe Jackson abusing his kids to get them to work harder.

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Former American Idol contestant Antonella Barba will spend a minimum of 10 years in prison following a guilty plea for possession of 400 grams of fentanyl. She will report to jail later this year, and be the early favorite in the prison’s Holiday Talent Show.

Jeff Bezos cashed in $1.8 billion in Amazon stock, netting $1.4 billion in cash after taxes. His girlfriend Lauren Sanchez was seen being fitted for a diamond studded wrist brace to hold up her left hand after she gets the engagement ring she wants.

A 10-year-old Missouri girl stole, then crashed, her mother’s car trying to drive it to McDonald’s. Despite totaling the car, she only suffered minor injuries, and still needs that Lion King Happy Meal.

A Southwest Airlines flight attendant went viral after photos emerged of her lying in an overhead bin during boarding. She got out of the bin when a passenger in that row needed it to store his wife for the trip.

Elizabeth Taylor’s 1961 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud is expected to fetch up to $2 million at auction. The car has been restored with a new top and leather seats, and with several of her ex-husbands cleaned out of the trunk.

CNN held the second of two Democratic Presidential debates. Fallout from the debate is expected to dramatically slash the field of Democratic candidates from 20 to 19.

Mario Lopez apologized for comments he made saying it’s “dangerous” to support transgender kids. Lopez later said the remarks were ignorant and insensitive – but that he just didn’t want children to end up confused like his friend’s son, Screechella.

Kentucky wildlife officials are electrically shocking thousands Asian carp in order to harvest them and gauge how invasive they’ve become. They added that consumers should probably avoid most fish frys in the area.

The meatless Impossible Whopper is coming to every Burger King in the U.S. next week. In response, McDonald’s said they’re offering deals on the Impossible Big Mac – it’s a Big Mac that’s been kept under a heat lamp for 9 hours.

Netflix is accessing the physical activity sensors on smartphones to gauge users movement while accessing the app. They’ll probably stop soon when they figure out that users’ physical activity is “none”.

 

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A woman trading in an iPhone 7 at T-Mobile is suing the carrier, saying store employees looked through her photos, found a private nude video she’d made, and watched it. The employees said that, like the phone, it took up a lot of their memory.

  • The employees also said that although the phone was an iPhone 7, the nude woman was closer to an iPhone 5.

Philadelphia Eagles wideout Alshon Jeffery, who dropped a pass that possibly lost the team’s NFC playoff game, visited a 2nd grade class who had written him letters. He thanked most of the children, but wanted to know where one of them learned the language used in the letter.

Microsoft pledged $500 million to create affordable housing around Seattle, then laid off 10,000 workers to build it.

Coinstar machines will sell Bitcoin  – finally giving savvy individuals with empty Ragu jars full of loose change in Walmart lobbies the perfect investment for them.

An Irish man was admitted to a hospital after repeatedly injecting himself with his own semen in an effort to cure his back pain. While in the hospital, he kept asking nurses if their back hurt.

Netflix added 8.8 million subscribers in the recent fiscal quarter, and says it now accounts for 10 percent of U.S. screen time, trailing only cable’s 15% and porn’s 75%.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen claims he paid a company to inflate online polls in favor of Trump in the run-up to the 2016 election – this, in addition to paying women to keep quiet about inflating Trump’s pole.

A source tells People magazine that Jeff & MacKenzie Bezos plan to be “adult” about their divorce, and will share parenting of their children with each other and Alexa.

M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie debuted to brutal reviews – critics agree ‘Glass’ blows.

A 29-year-old Texas woman pretended to be autistic in order to con a caregiver into sex.  The caregiver grew suspicious when the woman didn’t insist on having sex an even number of times.

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Chris Christie, in a new book, accuses Jared Kushner of a political “hit job” to oust him from possible Cabinet positions, as retaliation for Christie’s prosecution of Kushner’s father years earlier. The Guardian previewed the book, noting their advance review copy had gravy stains on it.

  • The book is titled ‘Let Me Finish’ after Christie’s favorite saying when his kids try talking to him during dinner.

YouTube is banning videos of dangerous pranks and challenges, directly resulting in the cancellation of fifty cable tv shows.

A Republican lawmaker in Missouri called pregnancies resulting from rape “God’s Silver Lining”, but only after her friend talked her out of calling it “God’s Plan B.”

Motorola is reportedly bringing back the Razr as a $1500 foldable smartphone, which is still a lot of money to spend on a phone in 2006.

Steve Carell will star in a new Netflix comedy, ‘Space Force’ — proving we live in a world where Trump’s dumb ideas are realized as multi-million dollar insults before they could ever find life as multi-billion dollar government failures.

University of Alabama QB Jalen Hurts announced he’s transferring to the University of Oklahoma. Hurts will play immediately, since he obtained his degree from Alabama in December, having completed the required curriculum of watching movies about college.

The Boston Globe reports the World Series Champion Boston Red Sox will visit the White House in mid-February. It’s unclear whether they’ll go inside to the dining room or just hit the drive-thru.

Amazon upgraded its Alexa voice assistant, so that if you ask Alexa to read out the latest news from today, her voice will sound like that of a professional newscaster- unless you ask her for sports news from Boston, Philly or New York, then her voice will sound like an annoying idiot.

The One Billion Oyster project is hoping to clean New York Harbor by repopulating it with oysterseach of which can purify up to 50 gallons of water a day before they’re harvested and eaten by New Yorkers who will vomit them back in to New York Harbor.

A mother giraffe gave birth to a calf at Disney World – horrifying families in attendance at the Princess Breakfast.

 

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China has instituted a ban on tiger and rhino parts in medicine. China will still sell Tiger Balm because it contains no animal parts; however, the Chinese government has issued a nationwide recall of Vicks Rhino Rub.

A five-year-old boy was “heartbroken” when Johannesburg airport security confiscated a stuffed toy snake that he had received from his grandmother. He was heartbroken that grandma wasn’t going to give him the ten grand she promised for delivering the stuffed snake to her contact at the child’s destination.

Melania Trump publicly called for the dismissal of Mira Ricardel, deputy national security adviser. Ricardel reportedly clashed with Mrs. Trump’s security team, and also showed up to a Be Best luncheon wearing the exact same dress & shoes as the First Lady.

Juul agreed to stop selling flavored vape pods in stores and to cease all social media promotion of their nicotine-laced e-cigarettes. The FDA asked Juul to limit access of its product to minors to make it easier for young people to find and use Marlboros.

Scientists in Europe are contemplating a new way to measure a kilogram — moving away from utilization of Le Grand K, a physical sample kilogram that could lose mass as it ages — and toward a new way, just letting coke dealers say how heavy it ought to be.

Donald Trump and his legal team are reportedly meeting this week to give written answers to questions submitted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “What’d you get for number one?” asked Trump to everyone several seconds after the meetings started.

A Texas woman who traveled to Mexico to save money on plastic surgery for her nose suffered a cardiac arrest while under anesthesia and is now on life support.  According to her family, the nose job didn’t turn out so great, either.

A man has been banned from all Disney theme park properties for holding up a sign reading ‘Trump 2020’ while riding Splash Mountain at Disney World. Disney officials said the guy could still visit A Small World and the Hall of Presidents, but he figured he might as well just be banned.

Netflix is testing cheaper, mobile-only plans for subscribers who prefer binge-watching on their phones in work meetings.

Guy Fieri cooked dinner for first responders of California’s massive Camp Fire wildfire, but their collective efforts couldn’t stop the destruction of almost all the homes in Flavortown.

 

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A Newark, New Jersey high school installed a laundry room, after poorer students were bullied and teased for wearing dirty clothes. Students now use the laundry room frequently, but school security now reports having to deal with fights between the rival Downy and Snuggle gangs.

A new study in medical journal The Lancet concludes there is no level of alcohol consumption that is beneficial for your health – citing accidents, impaired judgment, and negative effects on major organs. Doctors who authored the study weren’t sure at first that it was accurate, but then they drank a few shots and were totally confident in it.

Angelina Jolie has changed divorce lawyers, citing creative differences.

Disney announced the name of their new Netflix-rival streaming service will be called ‘Disney Play’, named after what kids won’t be doing while using it.

Actor/director Asia Argento has been fired as a judge on ‘X Factor Italy’ after reports that she paid a six-figure settlement to a 17-year-old boy with whom she had sex. However, Argento has been offered a new gig on ‘XXX Factor’.

Brandon Johnson – singer Demi Lovato’s alleged drug dealer – said in an interview with TMZ that Lovato “100 percent knew (the strength of) what she was taking” on the night she overdosed. Johnson has established a unique place in the drug-dealing community by doing media interviews about being a drug dealer.

Yanise Ho, 23, calling herself ‘The Bladress’, is Rollerblading from Miami to New York to Portland by herself to promote female empowerment. She carries a 43-pound backpack and will only accept food, shelter and skate parts from strangers – no money. She said her biggest issues are shoulder and foot pain, and hanging on to the backs of tractor-trailers for long periods of time.

Dancing With The Stars pro dancer Witney Carson had a malignant mole removed from the top of her foot after a biopsy revealed it was melanoma. She has a favorable prognosis for recovery, but for the near future, her two-step will really be more of a one-step.

A 1962 Ferrari 250 GTO sold for $48 million at auction – a world record for any car ever sold at auction. The anonymous buyer is shilling out another million to have all the trees cut down on his driveway for when his teen son drives it.

The U.S. and Mexico have tentatively struck a new trade deal that could reshape economic relations from NAFTA related to auto manufacturing. The U.S. has seen its volume of vehicles manufactured drop – the new deal would potentially restore that number, and create jobs for Mexican immigrant children separated from their parents.

 

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Jennifer McIver, a Colorado Mom, shared a story on Facebook about her 3-year-old daughter locking herself in their new LG front-loading washing machine, and her 4-year-old son starting it. The daughter was unhurt, but they’re asking LG to put locks on washer doors. The son was rewarded for washing his sister on Delicate, but she came out with even bigger stains on her pants than when she went in.

A 27-year-old woman went into labor while riding Kilimanjaro Safaris at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. She delivered the baby shortly thereafter via FastPass, but two triplet siblings were told to expect at least a 90-minute wait.

Tinder – which doesn’t allow daters to send photos to each other – are conducting a test in Canada and Mexico where users can send personal Bitmoji to one another. Tinder users are busily figuring out how to create Bitmoji of their genitals and breasts.

Microsoft and Walmart announced a strategic partnership to take on Amazon in technology and retail. It’s called Let’s Spend Billions And Still Lose.

Do Thi Duc, a researcher in Berlin, studied 208 million public transactions made over Venmo during the past year, because most users never change the default setting that makes activity public. Nearly 3 million transactions involved pizza, and 10 million involved the weed emoji, so she assumed they were payments to landscapers.

Russian President Vladimir Putin presented U.S. President Donald Trump with a ceremonial World Cup soccer ball at a joint press conference. Trump tossed it to his wife, marking the first time Melania handled one of Trump’s balls since conceiving Barron.

Archaeologists in Jordan found what they claim is 14,000-year-old flatbread – which went uneaten because everyone at dinner was on the Paleo diet.

Netflix posted disappointing results, adding only 674,000 new subscribers in the second quarter, versus a forecast of 1.2 million. Shareholders rated it one star and skipped to the third quarter episode.

Fans were shocked as MTV snubbed Taylor Swift in all major categories of its Video Music Awards. Her fans stated their intent to stop watching music videos on MTV, in the event they ever start showing them again.

An airborne blob of lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano struck a lava-watching tour boat off the eastern coast of Hawaii’s big island, injuring 23 people but really giving them their money’s worth.

 

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A 2007 video from Jimmy Kimmel Live resurfaced. The video shows Andy Dick groping the leg of Ivanka Trump. In case you ever wondered what Andy Dick has in common with President Trump.

A Maryland man who bought legal fireworks in Pennsylvania was hospitalized after a mortar tube exploded, causing catastrophic injuries to both hands. The man is expected to start practicing with his new hooks by calling customer service at the fireworks store.

Amazon is expanding Prime Day to 36 hours. They got the idea when they realized that so many of their two-day shipping orders arrive in four days.

Authorities cleared visitors from the Statue of Liberty after a woman, Therese Okoumou, protesting the Trump Administration’s immigration policies climbed the base of the statue and refused to come down. She was eventually brought down and described by medical personnel as “tired, poor, and yearning to breathe free.”

Melania Trump reportedly earns six-to-seven figure royalties from a photo licensing deal with Getty Images, where her pictures are to be used only in “positive” news stories. When pressed about the exact sum Melania has made, a spokesperson said “almost as much as she made from her topless nude pics.”

Microsoft is planning to introduce ‘Dark Mode’ to its Outlook web mail service. The dark theme – originally introduced as a trial on Halloween – became a hit for its use with corporate clients announcing mass layoffs.

The Barton 1792 Distillery in Kentucky, which partially collapsed in June along with 9,000 barrels of bourbon, has now completely collapsed, officially making the catastrophe a double.

Kim Kardashian West tried wakeboarding on the 4th of July, sharing a video online with the caption “This is way harder than it looks!” — the same thing she said while filming her sex tape.

Netflix is reportedly testing out a new $16.99 “Ultra” tier of service.  “With PORN?” asks men. “No.” said Netflix. And men were sad.

Cities in the western U.S. like California and Nevada are so dry and concerned about brush fires that they cancelled 4th of July fireworks and replaced them with nighttime drone shows. But for old times’ sake, the drone are still blowing a few people’s fingers off.