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A Mount Laurel, NJ man caught on video directing racial slurs at his neighbors was sentenced to 8 years in prison. Thousands of other New Jersey residents not recorded on video doing the same thing remain at large.

Mail order dental business Smile Direct Club is shutting down. Customers who haven’t finished straightening their teeth will be offered other do-it-yourself options from Home Depot.

Baseball star Shohei Ohtani is signing a record $700 million, 10-year deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers. In addition to the $70 million per year, Ohtani will also receive Taylor Swift’s phone number.

A Pakistani woman escaped an arranged marriage to her cousin by joining the U.S Air Force. She’s now stationed at an Air Force base in Mississippi, where dozens of locals tell her marrying their cousin isn’t so bad.

A new study finds owning a cat could double the risk of developing schizophrenia. The cat is fine with it so long as it gets fed.

Lindsay & Cade Brown are stepsiblings with a growing TikTok following, who share videos about how they got married and started a family. They’re also set to star in Pornhub’s first-ever sitcom.

Ana Akiva. a former pastor in Brazil, joined OnlyFans. She doesn’t see why Catholic priests should be the only ones who get to show their naked body to teenage boys.

A vampire-slaying kit once owned by a British aristocrat sold at auction for nearly $16,000. The buyer said he didn’t want to spend the money, but four different exterminators turned him down.

University of Pennsylvania President Liz McGill resigned after being criticized for not taking a more forceful stance against antisemitism. McGill also cancelled her Hanukkah party due to projected low turnout.

Cardi B. confirmed she and her husband are calling it Offset. While they’ll no longer be husband & wife, he hopes they can still be a-Migos.

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Israeli troops raided Gaza’s largest hospital, which, they claim, is being used as a headquarters by Hamas terrorists. Patients are also hoping they can do something about the food.

A mother who named her infant son Semen before moving to the U.S. asked for new name suggestions on Reddit. She received thousands of replies with alternate names, and a handful of replies from gay guys and women saying they really liked Semen.

Patients born with abnormally high cholesterol have shown improvements through the use of gene editing. They just need to be okay with skinny genes.

A Boeing 747 jet flying from New York’s JFK airport to Belgium had to turn around after a horse got loose in the cargo hold. The horse was also angry about being refused an upgrade.

PGA golf tour officials are finalizing negotiations for a merger with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Talks have been contentious, but so far no PGA executives have lost their head.

A New York landlord stabbed three tenants to death over their failure to pay rent. He was visited in jail by his attorney, and 50 applicants for the apartment.

Will Smith denies allegations he had sex with a man, yelling he kept that thing outta his mouth.

K-pop all-girl group BabyMonster announced that Hyeon has left the group to focus on her health and well-being, leaving Asa, Chiquita, Haram, Rora, Pharita and Ruka as the remaining members. “Wait, which of us left again?” they asked each other.

OnlyFans model Danii Banks was kicked out of Allegiant Stadium for flashing her bare breasts during the Las Vegas Raiders/New York Jets matchup. Security guards also considered a harsher punishment – forcing her to watch the rest of the game.

Jason & Travis Kelce teamed up to record a Christmas song, Fairytale of Philadelphia, for the Phildelphia Eagles charity album. After talking to a friend about how much he was getting paid, one of them rerecorded Fairytale of Philadelphia (Travis’ Version).

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Netflix plans to raise prices again, and is considering a name change to Neflixfinity.

Brittany Coppage, a Missouri high school English teacher was placed on leave after school district officials discovered her performing sex acts on OnlyFans. The school superintendent requested an additional $20/month to continue his investigation.

A Long Island school bus driver was removed after being photographed drinking an alcoholic beverage while driving high school students home. Pending a review, the bus driver has been downgraded to gym teacher.

Representatives Steve Scalise and Jim Jordan are the first candidates emerging to replace Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House. Both are prepping for the all-important talent and swimsuit competitions.

A 33-year-old Louisiana teacher accused of giving birth to a 17-year-old student’s baby was arrested and charged with rape. School officials grew suspicious when the teacher held a gender reveal party during social studies.

A drunk New Jersey woman was fired from her job after being caught on video telling German tourists to “get the f**k out of our country” while they rode on a New Jersey Transit train. The Germans – having seen New Jersey – agreed it was a good idea.

NBA star Damian Lillard – recently traded from the Portland TrailBlazers to the Milwaukee Bucks – filed for divorce from wife Kay’La. Kay’La will receive future considerations, and Lillard will receive several playa-lovers to be named later.

Juliana Saggaram, a DoorDash driver, was arrested and charged with stealing packages off of porches while delivering food. She was also cited for a lesser charge of stealing french fries.

A Rikers Island prison guard was charged with cheating New York City out of $170,000 in false overtime pay. He was found out after several other guards said they hadn’t seen him beating up inmates after 5pm in months.

A Pennsylvania mummy known as ‘Stoneman Willie’ since 1895 has been identified and will be given a proper burial. Forensics experts are still working to identify Pennsylvania Werewolf and Pennsylstein.

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Taylor Swift reportedly handed out a total of $50 million in bonuses to her U.S. Eras Tour crew. Lizzo reportedly gave away whatever was left over from her backstage dinner buffet, then told them they needed to lose weight.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie have announced they’re separating with the intent to divorce. They request privacy during this difficult time, eh?

The Bachelorette from Season 19, Gabby Windey, announced she’s dating a woman. “Now do you believe me?” said a butt-hurt bachelor who never got a rose from her.

New York Yankees Domingo German, who threw a perfect game in June, has left the team to enter an alcohol treatment program. German threw five scoreless innings in his last appearance, before calling for a relief pitcher of Modelo.

WWE Executive Chairman Vince McMahon was subpeonaed as part of a sexual misconduct investigation, where multiple WWE employees accuse McMahon of pressing into them with his turnbuckle.

A Louisiana woman is suing the makers of weight loss drugs Ozempic and Mounjaro, saying she suffered from “severe vomiting, stomach pain and tooth loss”. Although her friends say she looks better than ever.

An OnlyFans model is being criticized for wearing a skimpy outfit with no underwear to a movie theater. The following week, she said she was seeing a doctor for treatment of a popcorn infection.

Tom Brady is now part-owner of Birmingham City Football Club. Brady then treated himself to a visit at Orchids of Asia’s Birmingham location.

Mark Zuckerberg shared a text exchange with partner Priscilla Chan after he installed a wrestling octagon in their backyard. Chan angrily said “I’ve been working on that grass for two years”….a claim disputed by the billionaire couple’s groundskeeper.

An overturned tractor-trailer spilled thousands of lemons on to Route 17 in Bergen County, New Jersey. When life gave them lemons, the truck operator and another driver made trips to an area hospital.

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Toy maker Zuru recalled over 7 million Baby Shark bath toys over risk of puncture wounds from its hard plastic top fin. They’ve also recalled their Adult Shark toys after several reported deaths.

Drug maker Novo Norodisk said its high-dose oral semaglutide pill – the same active ingredient as popular weight loss drug Ozempic – leads to a 15% weight loss in obese patients. It’s even higher if the leg that falls off is more than 15% of a user’s body weight.

A robot is collecting debris about 1,600 feet from the wreck of the Titanic, looking for pieces of the OceanGate Titan. Although so far the robot has only collected a lot of rich-guy pocket watches and top hats.

A missing Illinois teen girl was spotted in North Carolina after the girl’s illegal abduction by her mother was featured on Netflix’s Unsolved Mysteries. The woman who identified the girl is now working on the unsolved mystery of her ex-boyfriend’s new Netflix password.

‘Granfluencers’ – seniors who amass large online followings – have taken TikTok by storm. OnlyFans?..not so much.

In 1990, a man named Tom Stuker bought a lifetime air pass from United Airlines for $290,000. He has since flown more than 23 million miles, lost 40 suitcases and 6 dogs.

Khloe Kardashian posted a new selfie showing off her new short haircut – sending Hulu executives scrambling to turn it in to an eight-episode miniseries.

Viral video shows a Florida shark biting a man on a boat in the Everglades who’d put his hand in the water, dragging him off the boat. The shark was angry at the man for drinking a Bud Light with his other hand.

Kim Kardashian said on a podcast her favorite sex is “passionate make-up sex”, specifically, “make-up for getting angry over your antisemitism” sex.

Mexican authorities are reviewing a disturbing video where members of the Jalisco New Generation drug cartel threaten female restaurant servers with guns as they extort money from them. The women say they’ll comply, but it’s not their fault everyone is ordering $1 margaritas at the Applebees where they work.

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Officials are worried about a credible ISIS terrorist threat to the area around Kabul Airport in Afghanistan – they’re threatening to only sell Dasani water.

Over half of Florida’s school districts are defying Governor Desantis’ ban on mask mandates. Some families still support the mask ban, and are planning to have their kids trick-or-treat as themselves.

Vice President Kamala Harris visited Vietnam, and required a SEAL Team to free her from captivity making sneakers in a Nike factory.

Spencer Elden, who appeared naked underwater as a baby on the cover of Nirvana’s LP ‘Nevermind‘, is suing, claiming his appearance constitutes child pornography. Nirvana’s attorneys want to settle the lawsuit by giving Elden a binky and a nap.

Paulina Porizkova, 56, shared an unretouched version of her nude photo that appeared on the cover of LA Magazine. She said the pic used “no filters, no anything else”, a claim disputed by creeps who wish it had no hair obscuring her boobs.

Two U.S. congressmen – both former military service members – flew to Kabul to see the Afghanistan evacuation effort firsthand, and to hold the lowest-grossing fundraising dinners in modern history.

Delta Air Lines is raising health insurance premiums for unvaccinated workers by $200/month to compensate for COVID-19 expenses. The workers plan to make up the $200 by selling more stuff they steal out of your checked baggage.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts died at age 80, shocking everyone who placed bets on Keith Richards for the last 20 years.

Stones frontman Mick Jagger paid tribute to Watts, but feels that the show must go on – starting at $200 for lousy seats.

OnlyFans has reversed its decision and will no longer ban pornography on October 1st. Shares of KY and Astroglide lubricants are up 300% in early trading.

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China updated its policies to allow families up to three children, because those iPhones aren’t going to build themselves.

Apple extended their remote office work until January, 2022 – unless your office is an iPhone factory, in which case get your ass to work right away.

Tesla introduced Tesla Bots – humanoid robots that use the same artificial intelligence and cameras found in Tesla cars. The first Tesla Bots turned on their auto pilot function and died sprinting into bridge abutments.

The FDA gave full approval to the Pfizer vaccine to treat COVID-19 – but, in a rare “I-told-you-so moment”, also gave full approval to Clorox for injecting bleach.

Kylie Jenner is reportedly pregnant with her second baby fathered by rapper Travis Scott. Her first child is named Stormi, she plans to name this one Dark.

The Pentagon is ordering U.S. airlines help evacuate American citizens and Afghan visa holders from Kabul after the Taliban’s violent takeover. Evacuees assigned to Spirit Airlines decided to wait a few days to see what their options are.

Governor Andrew Cuomo is reportedly asking staffers if anyone wants to keep his dog, Captain, after he leaves the Governor’s mansion. So far, no takers, as Captain faces 13 different allegations of unwanted leg-humping.

After Mike Richards resigned following accusations of sexual harassment and misogyny, critics want Mayim Bialik fired from her Jeopardy! hosting duties over past statements on vaccines. At this rate, Levar Burton may never get hired because of the fight Geordi had with Captain Picard in 1987.

Former special education teacher-turned-OnlyFans porn star Courtney Tillia said the platform’s ban on pornography will hurt her financially, but she won’t return to teaching. “Damn”, said her special education students.

Google Maps expanded support for e-bike and scooter rental services, so you can get directions to the emergency room when you get struck by a car on your e-bike or scooter.

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OnlyFans is banning porn, and changing its name to FewerFans.

Britney Spears’ housekeeper alleges Britney took her phone and struck her in a dispute over the care of a dog. Britney disputes the claim, but the dog has been assigned a conservator.

Mike Richards announced he will not be the permanent host of Jeopardy! amidst scrutiny of his past behavior. Richards will continue as Executive Producer, and attempt to find a full-time female host with a decent rack.

As cases in the state surge, a Jacksonville, Florida library was converted to a COVID-19 treatment site. The head librarian said it was nice & quiet in there for a change.

A family of three and their dog were all found dead on a remote hiking trail in the Sierra National Forest near Yosemite. Officials are mystified as to cause of death, but took the opportunity to remind other families how much hiking sucks.

Malaysia has its third Prime Minister in 3 years. Malaysia is one of the few countries in the civilized world that selects its leader via a talent show.

An ad agency created a campaign using Tinder and Snapchat to encourage Gen-Z and millenials to get COVID-19 vaccines – and, just maybe, a no-strings hookup with a nurse.

South Korea’s Ministry of Culture declared the official Chinese name of kimchi – spicy, fermented vegetables – be changed to ‘xingi’, from ‘pao cai’. It provided sample sentences like “No xingi for me, because it smells like ass”.

Beyonce’s father, Mathew Knowles, shut down rumors of a Destiny’s Child reunion, saying his daughter can’t remember who the other two are any more.

A Goodwill thrift in Connectucut sold a sealed, unopened copy of 1986 Nintendo videogame ‘The Legend of Zelda’ for $411,000. The donor was thrilled to help, but disappointed that the used Wii console she donated only got twenty bucks.