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Officials are worried about a credible ISIS terrorist threat to the area around Kabul Airport in Afghanistan – they’re threatening to only sell Dasani water.

Over half of Florida’s school districts are defying Governor Desantis’ ban on mask mandates. Some families still support the mask ban, and are planning to have their kids trick-or-treat as themselves.

Vice President Kamala Harris visited Vietnam, and required a SEAL Team to free her from captivity making sneakers in a Nike factory.

Spencer Elden, who appeared naked underwater as a baby on the cover of Nirvana’s LP ‘Nevermind‘, is suing, claiming his appearance constitutes child pornography. Nirvana’s attorneys want to settle the lawsuit by giving Elden a binky and a nap.

Paulina Porizkova, 56, shared an unretouched version of her nude photo that appeared on the cover of LA Magazine. She said the pic used “no filters, no anything else”, a claim disputed by creeps who wish it had no hair obscuring her boobs.

Two U.S. congressmen – both former military service members – flew to Kabul to see the Afghanistan evacuation effort firsthand, and to hold the lowest-grossing fundraising dinners in modern history.

Delta Air Lines is raising health insurance premiums for unvaccinated workers by $200/month to compensate for COVID-19 expenses. The workers plan to make up the $200 by selling more stuff they steal out of your checked baggage.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts died at age 80, shocking everyone who placed bets on Keith Richards for the last 20 years.

Stones frontman Mick Jagger paid tribute to Watts, but feels that the show must go on – starting at $200 for lousy seats.

OnlyFans has reversed its decision and will no longer ban pornography on October 1st. Shares of KY and Astroglide lubricants are up 300% in early trading.

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Disneyland’s Avengers Campus opens this week. Admission is only available if you’re contacted by a bald, tough-talking, one-eyed black guy.

A 17-year-old girl was captured on video shoving a large bear off her backyard fence as the bear squared off with her family’s dogs. The bear left, but is biding its time until she’s sunbathing alone in the yard.

JBS, a company that supplies one-fifth of the world with meat, is the latest victim of a ransomware attack. It’s unclear if the meat processor will pay up, but for now, they’re facing off with the attackers in a high-stakes game of chicken.

Elon Musk blamed Tesla auto price increases on “raw materials issues”. Specifically, he needs money from car sales to buy raw materials to rebuild SpaceX rockets that keep blowing up.

Space junk crashed into the International Space Station, breaking a robotic arm. The robotic arm was repaired, but then an astronaut was hit by space junk walking out to sign the cast.

The Biden administration terminated oil drilling contracts in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Environmentalists praised the move, but it also results in the loss of hundreds of good jobs for seals working on oil rigs.

Motley Crue’s Vince Neil had to cut short a solo gig at the Boone River Valley Festival in Iowa because his voice was shot. Worse, his voice failed saying “How’s everybody doing tonight?”

56-year-old supermodel Paulina Porizkova said her beauty regimen involves lasers, and “treatments…where you don’t look like you’ve been mauled by a bear”. Porizkova is facing a defamation lawsuit from the bear that used to do her makeup.

‘Very old’ human remains were found near Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s California estate by landscaping crews doing excavation work. Harry explained that some relatives were in town visiting.

N’Sync’s Lance Bass and husband Michael Turchin are expecting twins. Currently their genders are male and female, but the couple said they’ll accept them even if they’re bi bi bi.

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Space debris from a Chinese rocket will fall to Earth, but nobody knows where. Experts believe it will land in a body of water, because that’s typically where you find a Chinese junk.

An armed suspect took hostages at a Wells Fargo bank in Minnesota. He was arrested, but only after bank employees got his name and created three checking accounts he didn’t ask for.

56-year-old Paulina Porizkova’s full-frontal-nude Vogue magazine cover was unretouched. Although in many cases it has been smeared by older men purchasing their first-ever copy of Vogue.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli reportedly stayed at a luxury resort following their release from prison, according to the maid who had to clean the toilet where they made wine.

Of all the new retail stores opening in the U.S. this year, half will be dollar stores. If a $15 national minimum wage is passed, they’ll be dollar-fifty stores.

Google Photos’ free unlimited photo storage ends on June 1st. In response, Apple is reminding users that it will continue free unlimited photo deletion whenever you try to backup iCloud.

The Hollywood Reporter claims producers are workign on a Black Superman movie. The villain is unnamed, but everyone’s pretty certain it’ll be a white guy with dreadlocks. [story h/t to J.M.!]

Doctors at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia discovered a new disease that prevents the formation of antibodies in humans. It’s an antivaxx Mommy blog started by a patient’s mother.

Khloe Kardashian and Kris Jenner are building adjacent mansions outside of Los Angeles. This way, it’s easier for Khloe to cry on Kris’ shoulder when one of her boyfriends cheats on her.

A new study finds sharks use the earth’s magnetic field like a compass during long-distance migrations. However, when hungry, they prefer to ask other sharks for directions to the nearest swimmer they can eat.

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Donald Trump was reportedly sicker with COVID-19 last fall than the public realized. Doctors considered placing him on a ventilator, and nurses said he was so weak, they couldn’t feel him grabbing their pussies.

Diabetes drug semaglutide shows unprecedented results helping patients lose weight from weekly injections. However, once injections stop, patients gain weight, so doctors are figuring out how to deliver the drug in cheeseburgers.

Paulina Porizkova, estranged wife of dead Cars frontman Ric Ocasek, said she was left completely broke because he wrote her out of his will. “You might think I have grocery money..” she told her friends.

Chappelle’s Show returned to Netflix after Comedy Central agreed to pay Dave Chappelle millions in royalties. Meanwhile, Rob Schneider sitcom Rob! remains off Netflix, despite Schneider agreeing to pay $13.99/month to subscribe.

Convicted felon Lori Loughlin requested federal officials return her passport, so she can leave the country and visit Hawaii.

Actress Brie Larson posted a YouTube video ‘My Morning Routine’. Her routine consists of a series of stretching exercises in a swimsuit, and getting ogled by thousands of creeps.

Tennis’ Australian Open once again banned spectators, after 13 cases of COVID-19 were traced to a Holiday Inn in host city Melbourne. Fortunately, no elite tennis players would be caught dead, or sick, at a Holiday Inn.

Due to COVID, the U.K. economy suffered its worst setback since 1709, when the Great Frost killed off a substantial portion of the population, and the introduction of scones killed even more.

The Houston Texans agreed to release All-Pro defensive tackle J.J. Watt. “Watt?!” said players still stuck on the team.

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene allegedly had an extramarital affair with a tantric sex guru who calls himself “The Tantric Warrior”. The revelation is surprising those people finding out tantric sex gurus exist in suburban Georgia.

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Italy declared a complete lockdown over the coronavirus. France declared a complete surrender.

Approximately 3,500 French people dressed in blue paint and white hats, breaking the world record for largest Gathering of the Smurfs. It was 3,499 drunk men and one truly terrifed Smurfette.

China’s leader Xi Jinping toured the country’s Wuhan region as a way to restore Chinese citizens confidence in government’s management of coronavirus. Despite there being no traffic, his motorcade driver caused a five-car pileup.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo enlisted prisoners to produce a low-cost hand sanitizer due to a shortage. However, the prisoners say they’re running out of room in their toilets to make it.

Supermodel Paulina Porizkova, 54, shared a bikini photo taken on a Costa Rica vacation. Porizkova – widow of deceased Cars frontman Ric Ocasek – said ” ‘You Might Think’ you have a chance, but you don’t”

A female Komodo dragon with no male partner gave birth to three hatchlings at Chattanooga Zoo via parthenogenesis, where a female’s egg is self-fertilized without sperm. The single Komodo mom has already started a blog about her journey.

Waxworms, which normally live in beehives and eat wax, have shown in a lab environment that they’ll also eat plastic bags. As bee populations drop, waxworm families will qualify for a federal program to relocate them to landfills.

Nintendo mobile game Mario Kart Tour launched its multiplayer mode, so now you can race against others while you’re behind the wheel of your real car in traffic.

Billie Eilish, who ordinarily wears only baggy clothes in public, showed images of her wearing just a bra during a musical interlude at her Miami concert. The images, accompanied by a poem Eilish wrote, were applauded equally by feminists and perverts.

Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy will do away with studio audiences over coronavirus concerns. Jeopardy is considering a laugh track to play after contestants share their boring, unfunny getting-to-know-you introduction stories.

 

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Melania Trump tweeted a photo holding a shovel to break ground on a new White House tennis pavilion, after consulting Joe Biden to see if he plays tennis.

  • It’s part of Melania’s ‘Be Best Backhand’ initiative.

Three male scientists shared the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for inventing lithium-ion batteries. They came up with the idea when their bored, disinterested wives were each spending $200 a month on Duracells for their vibrators.

Philadelphia City Schools are offering free head lice screenings to teachers and school nurses, though it’s expected that half the lice in Philly schools will just drop out.

Johnson & Johnson must pay $8 billion in damages for failing to warn users its antipsychotic drug, Risperdal, caused gynecomastia – a condition causing men to grow enlarged breasts. The judgment is being called the world’s most expensive boob job. [ Story & joke submitted & guest-written by reader J.O !! ]

McDonald’s launched a McRib Locator website to help customers find participating locations serving the sandwich, and to help families of dangerously obese people avoid them.

The Philadelphia Flyers opened a rage room, where hockey fans can pay to go in a room during games and break things.  The Philadelphia Philles say they considered it, but decided to let fans keep using their living rooms.

The New York City townhome where The Cars frontman Ric Ocasek passed away is back on the market, listed at $13.9 million – an amount his surviving wife Paulina Porizkova described as “just what I needed”.

Robert Downey Jr. told Howard Stern he doesn’t want an Oscar nomination for Avengers: Endgame, telling studio publicists “let’s not”. Downey said he was inspired by the late Jim Varney saying “let’s not” to an Oscar campaign for ‘Ernest Goes to Jail’.

New research spanning 70 years finds having a dog lowers your risk of dying by 24 percent. The study followed everyone except infants and toddlers living with pit bulls.